I need advice. My son is almost 3 and attends day care, but this question extends beyond his day care years. My husband wants to teach our son that if someone hits/scratchs/bites him, he should do the same back to the kid as a way to stand up for himself. While I agree on one hand, most school policies are to tell the teacher and let her handle it. How do you teach your child to follow rules but still stick up for themselves. Any advise from other moms on how you have previously handled this situation would be appreciated.
D.,
That is a hard thing to go through. I would first try telling him that if someone does that, he needs to tell the teacher. The bad thing about telling him to hit back is that he is also going to get in trouble, and it's teaching him that it's okay to hit as long as he has a good reason.
I hope everything works out.
A.
I think teaching you son to respond using his words is the best way to teach him to stand up for himself followed by telling the teacher. For example, if he gets hit, he should tell the offender "Do not hit me. If you are going to hit, I am going to play with someone else." Then, he should go and tell the teacher.
My son took a martial arts class that dealt with this very issue. At the completion of the course, he was given a pocket card entitled "How to defeat a bully without fighting:. It reads:
1. Make friends - Treat the bully as a friend instead of an enemy. Kill them with kindness.
2. Use humor - turn a threatening situation into a funny one.
3. Walk away.
4. Use trickery- use your creative imagination to resolve the conflict
5. Agree with the bully - let the insults go without fighting back.
6. Refuse to fight - the winner of the fight is the one who avoids it.
7. Stand up to the bully. Just say, "NO".
8. Scream/Yell - a powerful shout can end conflict before it starts.
9. Ignore the threat.
10. Use authority - tell a teacher.
The children were then told that if they tried all 10 steps and the bully was still on their case, THEN they could defend themselves with more force (or fight back).
This is a real tricky situation, I know. I hope this somehow helps you.
D., At 2 all you are teaching is that it is ok to hit/scratch/bite, period. They don't understand the difference between self defense & aggression - it's all the same, hitting is hitting regardless of the intent at 2. You might be further ahead to teach how to stop someone from hitting you (ie hold their hand to prevent them from hitting, yell stop!, walk away & yes, tell the adult. Once they are old enough to understand that if someone hurts them, it's not ok to hurt them back - it is ok to protect yourself from being hurt - then your husband's idea would work - but my daughter is 8 and she is just getting to that point. One of the biggest things that I teach my daughter is that there is NOTHING wrong with asking an adult for help with a problem. (not whining, or complaining, but simply asking for some help)
As a kindergarten teacher for the past 10 years I can tell you that hitting back will get your son into trouble as well. The policy I have always had in my classroom, as well as school policy, is to tell the teacher and let her discipline the other student. Hitting back does not send the right message and usually only causes more problems, as well as the teacher having to discipline both students. Most teachers will discipline the original offender and then continue to remind about the rule of keeping hands and feet to oneself. Also, most teachers I know will emphasize a problem solving process inovolving using words to settle differences, and making better choices the next time around.
S.
Hey D., I'm writing as a mother of 3 MANIAC boys who are ALL about hittting and beating each other up. Personally, I'm all for defending yourself. My husband & I have had this very discussion. But at this age,3, I think it's important to give him a good foundation for future confontations. He's still young enough to learn to 'turn the other cheek'. It's not about standing up for oneself or being cool,yet. If he practices walking away, or at least if he hears that it's the right thing to do, maybe he wont't be the bully in 3rd grade. He shouldn't be encouraged to fight back, he's just a baby :)
D.,
You are correct, schools do not tolerate hitting for any reason...as does society. My opinion - whatever it's worth - should you promote hitting/biting/scratching, you are encouraging the very behavior you dislike. Is there EVER a reason(except extreme circumstance) to treat others that way? Hitting is either right or wrong - not circumstantial. Our family philosophy is to treat others the way we wish to be treated. There are other ways to 'stand up for yourself' without being physical. If talking doesn't work, you can always walk away. That's how we 'control' the stituation, by staying in control. Bullying is a problem, so much so, PlanoISD has an entire program dedicated to the subject. My then 3-4 yr. old (now almost 8 yr old) was in a day care situation where another girl (one my daughter played with alot) had an aggresive manner and would bite her...on more than one occasion. We told her to follow the rules and let someone know. The teachers watch the kids pretty closely so she didn't have to tattle much. The school eventually seperated the girls into different classes and the other girl was almost expelled. If we told her to bite back...where would that get us? Now, 4 yr. olds can't negotiate, not as well as 2 yr. olds can, but they can make good choices about who to play with and where. It's simple.....hitting, etc. is just wrong. You are smart to attack this issue now because the lessons you teach are life basics. I suppose everything depends on your personnal philosophy. Is 'standing up for yourself' allowing yourself to loose control and behaving poorly? Or, is it staying in control and doing the right thing? Which do you think promotes a positive self-esteem for your kid? I Googled 'bullying' and many websites came up on the subject. Good luck.
Having been a mom of a child who was bit and as a preschool teacher myself, my best advice is to teach your child to say "No!" loudly when another child is trying to harm them and tell the teacher. If the same child is repeatedly hurting others, you should complain to the director and most of the time the offending child will be removed from the school. Hitting back when hit has never worked in any setting I've been in and your child may get confused about using their hands for something other than helping. I've seen some children who've been taught to hit back strike others when not getting their way and couldn't understand the difference between having hurt feelings and being physically hurt. Talk to the teachers and the director about their policies and guidelines for disciplining harmful behavior and stay involved as much as you can. The biggest deterence is to be an active parent and your child will receive more attention.
ALL schools have a 0 tolerancy policy. If your child is involved in an altercation at school, the moment he strikes back he is considered just as guilty. I am not sure I agree with the policy, as children need to learn to stick up for themselves, but trying to figure out who did what and who is telling the truth has become way too difficult so anyone involved immediately receives a 3 day suspension in junior and High School - I am not sure about elementary but there are consequences there as well.
Well, having been a preschool teacher for many years I understand both sides. What I would recommend at this point in your child's development is NOT to encourage your child to be aggressive back. Empower your child with his words; "I don't like it when you hit me" or "Stop, don't do that to me" are some examples. At this age your child may not have the maturity or perception to see the situation clearly. Let's say a child trips and rams into your child, but your child assumes he is being bullied and acts back--making him the aggressor.
I have seen chronic problems where one child is the aggressor consistently and the intentions are clear, and you may have to speak to the teacher/director to see what plan of action is being taken if this child continues with the aggressive behavior, but I would not at this point encourage your child to retaliate. As your child gets older, maybe this will be necessary, but he needs to practice other problem solving strategies before resorting to aggression. If aggression is taught first, he will probably not try other methods later on.
It is frustrating and hopefully you can find a solution while empowering your child to stand up for himself.
Good luck.
