Advice on Dealing with Strong Personality 4 Yr Old Boy

I've soooo been there! I really liked the book, "10 Days To A Less Defiant Child". You can get it at Amazon or any bookstore. It gave me a whole new insight to my child, as well as some great techniques to improve his behavior and our relationship. I hope you check it out. Good luck!

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I have an almost 4 year old like this! The 2 books that I use are The New Strong-Willed Child by James Dobson and Recipes of Parenting by Sandy Spurgeon McDaniels. The second is a great one. She also has a webpage: parentingsos.com. Her minute drill has worked for me with my son when nothing else did and it keeps me from getting angry and frustrated.
Good luck!

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You sound just like my friend Courtney. Oddly enough she ended up trying an ayurvedic nutritionist after nothing else worked and her son is like a new person. He is happy and no more tantrums. Jack was having all kinds of problems acting out in preschool and they have also resolved themselves. It was all food allergies.

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James Dobson has a book called "The New Strong Willed Child" and it has been so helpful!! My now 5.5 year old has MUCH better days because of the way this book has changed me :o)

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There is a website called www.raisinggodlytomatoes.com that i think has some good tips.

Since your older boy isn't like this I wonder if your 4 year old has a bit of the "middle child" syndrome.

Are you really consistent with him? Or do you let him get away with stuff sometimes, and then try to discipline at others?

I think with strong-personality kids they need a lot of consistency and firm boundaries otherwise they are like wild horses and will take whatever reign you give them and wreck havoc.

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S.:
With three children, one a new baby and teaching full time especially kindergarten, you must be exhausted. You seem to have too much on your plate. Take it from a mom who's been there, Is there any way you can share a contract? I'm telling you it's worth it even if it means beans and rice for dinner. There are so many ways to cut corners and your children need you right now. Your son is just letting you know. And if you think four is hard. Wait until 14. All hell will break loose.
S.

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My 11 year old son was very strong willed and stubborn at 4. Time outs did not work with him. A few things did work. When he became out of control and in a rage, I would send him to his room for a "cool down". He needed to stay there until he calmed down on his own. It could last 5 minutes or 45 minutes. Another thing my son needed was alone time with me. This is hard when you have 3 kids and are working full time, but it really helped us. See if you can find 1-2 times a week that you can go somewhere with just him. You can go for a walk, to the library, park. It doesn't have to be long, even for just 30-60 minutes where he gets all of your attention. It might be nice to do this with your 6 year old too. Good Luck!

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Sounds like you have a little leader on your hands! Some kids are just wired to be leaders and have a more difficult time when they have to obey or conform.

I HIGHLY recommend the book, "You Can't Make Me (but I can be persuaded)" by Cynthia Tobias. She is a genius when it comes to dealing with strong willed kids. This book completely changed my relationship with my then 2 1/2 year old. Now instead of battling constantly, we agree, we work together and she is a delight to be with. She is now 4.

What I like about this book is that it gives concrete ways to positively interact with your child so that you both get what you want. No yelling, certainly no physical aggression of any kind is necessary and no nagging.

I noticed that several people suggested James Dobson's book "The Strong Willed Child." I read his book, too, and found that Tobias' book was WAY more helpful. Dobson's book was too heavily religiously slanted for my tastes, with not many concrete suggestions, just a lot of religious anecdotes. Not terribly helpful.

Best of luck to you and your precious son!

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Hi S.,

I am a mother of five children from college to a 4 and a half year old VERY strong willed and exuberant little girl.
When you described how your son laughs at time outs and throws terrible fits you could have been describing my little one.
With this one it is very different than the other 4 I have raised. She is definitely with out a doubt my challenge.
She is extremely creative and can be sweeter than all of the others combined, but I really don't think strong willed is a strong enough word to describe her.
I have found that spending one on one time with her is helpful, healthy food with little to no sugar, but most importantly follow through. I know that when you are tired and emotionally at the end after a long day it is much easier said than done. However it has been my best tool.
I would highly recommend the book "back in control" written by Gregory Bodenhamer. It really isn't a very good name and gives the wrong impression, but I have found it to be extremely helpful in giving me tools to disciplining with love and effective wording that works. It is short, simple and it truly changed my life as a mother. I only wish I would have known about this years ago.
I hope this is helpful to you.

M.

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Hi S.!

I have two recommendations for your. The first is a book, "Parenting wtih Love and Logic." I don't know the authors, but I read their "Teaching with Love and Logic" and it worked brilliantly, both at home and at school.

The second recommendation is to research the website and books by child psychologist, John Rosemond. He has a very no-nonesense, 1950s approach to parenting that my husband and I have come to value. We've tried many of his techniques and, in general, have adopted his philosophy. A a result our youngest is a reformed, happier, more successful child.

I hope this helps. Good luck.

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Have you ever read The Explosive Child? My middle son was like that. It could be that he is dealing a little bit with the jealousy of having a new sister, but In my experience, even if he is having a hard time with a new sister, the intensity of the behavior is something to look at. With my son, I later realized that he was anxious and would get obsessed with something, and could not work his way out of it. Once he's in the anger, it's hard for them to come out of it. There's also a book called the CPS (Collaborative Problem Solving) method, by Ross Greene. Don't get nervous, it is geared toward kids with more severe problems, but it's a behavioral modification program that is good for every kid. It's aimed at intervening before the situation has gone too far, before he's lost in the anger. I wish I had it when my kids were younger.
Hope that helps,
L. Gross
Education Advocate/Consultant

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I would suggest "Raising a Spirited Child"

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I'm surprized that you haven't encountered children like your son in kindergarten. But then again he is 4 yrs old and not 5 or 6. Also, there is a new baby to deal with and maybe there is not as much time as there was before for him. Kids are sensitive to that change.
His personality will serve him well as an adult, but I'm sure with lots of love and some techniques like the Nanny
uses will help, she seems to get good results with consistent behaviors on the part of the adults.
Good luck, Deb

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S., please, parent your child not discipline him. He needs a teacher and a guide, be that for him.

Before I begin, I will tell you that I am a retired Special Needs School teacher. I have worked with an studied children and family dynamics for over 20 years.

You can hear what I say or not, you are the parent and you get to choose.

So what causes the "terrible fits" or when he "is mean"? (I will tell you honestly that it breaks my heart for you to say your 4 year old is mean)

Is he tired? Are you? As an educator you know that his environment (including the people he is associating with) is just as much of a trigger to behavior as anything else.

What does he eat? Is he getting the proper nutrients first thing in the morning? If you are feeding him anything other than protein, carbs and fats in the AM he really can't be expected to behave well throughout the day.

What triggers the "fits"? Being 4 he can not yet truly regulate himself, but you can. Watch what is going on for him. Be the guide that he needs to control behaviour.

Time-outs....I never really understood what the purpose was, imagine if you were having a bad day and your boss said "ok S., go sit over there an think about what you have just done". Two things usually happen, you get the needed rest and come out fresh (and sometimes fighting) OR you sit there and think about what you have done and think of a better way to to it next time so you don't get caught.

The marbles works because he understands the basic principles of have and have nots. Have you tried JUST GIVING marbles. Allowing him to only EARN based on the behaviour you want to see. When you take the marbles away, you are still rewarding him (you may think it is a negative reward but really think about it) he still gets mommy's attention, time and one on one experience. A reward is a reward.

Wow, sorry I don't like giving long replies... if you want to chat more, feel free to email me.

B., B.A,:B.Ed
Family Nutrition Coach

Absolutely check into Susie Waltons Redirecting Childrens Behavior class. There is also a workbook. You could also call her for a personal session. She is located at Indigo Village in Encinitas. Awesome, awesome class. She also as one for teenage behavior. Start now and you will have fewer problems later.

Hi S.,

I have a very challenging child who is 6 yrs old. We adopted her from CHina as a baby. She has been diagnosed with RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder) and ODD (Oppositional Defiance Disorder) We went to counseling for therapy for the RAD but we are still dealing with the ODD.

There is a book called, The Strong Willed Child" that was helpful. I am a teacher too and sometimes it is so frustrating to be able to control a classroom full of kids but not your own. My daughter also has a sweet and loving side but when she wants to be bad, she can really be bad. Especially in public.

My advice is get as much help as you can before he starts school. We are going thru some problems with her classmates so you will want to nip it in the bud asap.
Good luck!

We liked "Setting Limits with your strong willed Child". It was an easy fast read. I thought I would never have time to read, but got through it fast as I was excited to put it to work.

http://www.amazon.com/Setting-Limits-Your-Strong-Willed-C...

Good luck, these are trying times.

Hi S.,
I can recommend a few great books for you. First, "The Strong Willed Child" by Doctor James Dobson, as well as "Creative Discipline" by Lisa Whelchel. Also, although I don't agree with the book entirely "Parenting Using Love and Logic" has some good ideas.

If I am right I think there is a book that is called How to have a better child by Friday it was really good for this type of head strong boy.

I had to reply...my son is now 5, and let me tell you, the terrible 2's had nothing on the friggin' 4's. I have 3 kids, of course my "strong willed" child is the middle child ( I now truly believe birth order says something). For me, nothing really works, but there are some things that help.

food. healthy, and lots of it. I always have tons of fresh fruit. Keeping hunger at bay helps.

personal attention. him and me 1 on 1. another mom posted about her son and individualized attention and physical contact. she hit the nail on the head. we don't hit. I have, and it didn't help. And, since i am trying to stop the physical aggresion, I figure I shouldn't do it either.

stringent on rules. What I say GOES! So, if i have told him that he needs to get in the car, now, or we will not go to the park. he doesn't listen, no park. but, it goes the other way too. If he can behave while I am grocery shopping we will go to the park after. This can back fire, so don't threaten anything to drastic, or something you want to do.

okay, this can help. but, truly solving the problem...i haven't found a solution. Good luck.

There is a very old book called "God, the Rod, and your Child's Bod". You don't have to agree with all that is in there, but the clear, concise reasoning is very good. No debates, just clear actions = consequences in a calm manner. My oldest (now 22) was very strong willed, so I know how tough this can be.

Recognize his good behavior and praise him. Try to get him to help you around the house with tasks such as sweeping, measuring for cooking, folding clothes, etc. Also the Magic 1-2-3 system seems to work for us. Spend 1:1 time with him doing things he enjoys. Maybe his strong personality is just an attention seeking behavior.

Best of luck,
J.

Get rid of the TV, and keep computer away- feed him only nutritious food, and read to him.

"All misbehavior is due to unmet needs."
That's what my preschool director told me when my 4.5 yr old son was acting hellish.

http://www.awareparenting.com/misbehav.htm

That article should help. Spend time with him.