Advice on Dealing with My 10 Year Old Daughter

It sounds to me that everything going on in your household is completely normal. We as mothers tend to worry way too much about our children's behaviors and if we can classify them as something troublesome or not. A lot of this needless worry unfortunately stems from our view of other children, parents and how we think they all are or live. But remind yourself always that things are NEVER as they appear. You may see a child at the same age as your daughter that appears as if they possess all of the qualities you think yours should have..and the same holds true with our views of other mothers and what they display outwardly to everyone else. Often it may appear to us that everyone BUT us has everything together and perfect when that is never the case. If only we all had the ability to peek in on others lives behind closed doors..I bet we'd be relieved to see that others go through much of the same.

I have done many things as a mother that others may view as incorrect. Yes, sometimes they are right too but it is a learning process for us all no matter how many kids we have and how many times we've gone through the milestones of our childrens growth. Your experineces as a mother with your 1st child will never be the same as with the 2nd and 3rd and so forth. While it is extremely difficult, try not to compare your daughters behavior at age 10 with your 1st daughters behavior at that age. We are our own individuals and trust me when I tell you that our children are much smarter and way more aware than we ever give them credit.
I say, embrace your daughters differences from others and yes, even from you. It really helps to compartmentalize your feelings and expectations. Expectations are the key to keeping the peace. Lower them immediately. Don't expect your daughter to understand how important cleaning her room is to you. Or knowing that the special necklace/barette you bought her should not be thrown on the floor because it is disrespectful to you. Everything and every emotion you plug into this scenario can be traced back to YOU..and your feelings and how it affects you etc. Often, we tend to place too much emphasis on ourselves and take every liitle thing our children do, personally. It is NOT personal. Thinking this way has helped me tremendously.
You have a child that does not like to do things the way that you do. While it is super frustrating, it isn't necessarily wrong. I have only recently been able to sit down with my 16 year old son and discuss with him the things that bother me. I have in turn, asked him to do the same but the rule is for everything he asks of me or tells me what I do that bothers him, I then get to tell him one too. No, this doesn't immediately resolve everything between us but it's a start and an place that I can feel comfortable falling back on. This then forces him to accept some responsibility for his actions because I have made him keenly aware of some things that bother me and if he then still chooses to do them..then he has to accept the feelings I will then have as a result. There is no one answer to make things work for you and maybe some of the suggestions you have gotten may work but ultimately when you learn to accept things for what they are and your daughter for who she is, instead of who she isn't, then things will at least smooth out a bit.We all expect our kids to respect us but few are willing to put in the time to have our kids want to instead of having to. This will all work out for you. Just try to alter the way you look at things instead of having your daughter do it. We are the adults that have already gone through this and have lived long enough to know the difference.

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Hi A...........God bless you honey and your husband for the " stickablility" !!
This may seem extreme but you are @ extreme measures. I would remove everything from her room but the essentials: bed,bureau,light,nightstand and a rug if you have hard woood floors. None of us deserves what we have and she lives in her Mom and Dad's home and it is a privilege. Rewarding her for bad behaviour only exaserbates the problem. She needs to realise she is always loved but not liked for her actions and the concequences for her actions have been dealt with.
I have six grown children and lots of " grand children ". Five daughters and a son. My girls thought I was tough but they are laying down the same principles I did and are very thankful I didn't let them " get away with it ".

Hang tough girl they will be grown before you know it and it will be a topic of conversation one day that you will both laugh @ believe it or not.

Blessings to you, P.

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In my opinion, once you start taking things away that really, really mean something to her, and be consistent ALL the time, she will start to care. I betcha if you let her sleep on the floor for a few nights, she will want to clean the clothes off of her bed. Just be consistent and dont buy anything new until she starts to realize that she is not in control here. Good luck!

T., 34 yo married WAHM doing home daycare and Mom of 3 ages 7, almost 5, and 2.

Hi A.,
A lot of people are adressing your question as if you were discussing only a messy room, I think don't think that is what you're saying. I agree with the advice to toughen up and to get into therapy, either just her or parent/child therapy. I definitely agree with you that your daughter has to learn early on to appreciate her good fortune, that she mustn't feel entitled to everything, and that she has to work for things and collaborate at home. Being stubborn is one thing, but it seems she's gone beyond that. Likewise, lying to you is inexcusable. I don't think this should be excused as normal ten-year-old girl behaviour, as some have suggested. Trust your instincts and take control of this situation now, before it gets worse. Counselling will help, I think, and tough love. Good luck!

Hello,
I was pretty lazy as a child when it came to cleaning my room and now have a 13 year old that pulls the same stuff. My mother, and now me, used to put everything in one large pile in the center of the room. A time limit was place on the cleaning of the pile. If it wasn't done then everything went into the trash. It worked for me, I'm a neat nick now. O and my 13 year old has gotten better. When I threaten to clean her room she gets off her butt and does it with lots of complaints.

I am a very messy person. I still throw clothes on the floor as an adult. It doesn't mean that I don't appreciate the things that I have, which is how I think it sometimes felt to my parents. I just don't seem to have that part of the brain that keeps everything in its "home." What finally worked for my mom was just insisting that my door was closed. Then she didn't have to fight with me about the mess, and she didn't have to see it. If I lost something, she wouldn't help me find it. It didn't make me any neater, but took a whole lot of tension out of our relationship. If she doesn't want to bring her dirty clothes downstairs, teach her how to do laundry and tell her she can do it on her own schedule. It might take her a little while to get her act together, but I bet ultimately it will work out better for you both.

I don't have any advice but i read this to get tips too. My 5years olds room is almost always a disater zone... Sometimes taking away stuff helps and the 5 minute timer... how much canyou pick up before the timer goes off? Other times we pile everything onthe bed so we can vacuum. and we only eat in the kitchen...

As a mom, I can totally understand the frustration you must feel. I don't really have any advice, but I would just caution you not to let her messy room cause a rift between you two.

I have a good friend who was constantly at odds with her mother in Middle and High School b/c her mom was too controlling. My friend was/is the type who, when she needed something from a drawer, would take the whole drawer out, dump it, and just leave everything there on the floor. Her mom also compared her to her younger "perfect" sister, which didn't help. She and her mom never saw eye to eye, and she ended up getting thrown out at age 17 and essentially being homeless (going from friend's house to house) until she was able to put herself through college. She and her mom are slowly starting to rebuild their relationship, but it's been a painful process for her. A messy room and non-traditional outfits are trivial things compared to the years of pain they caused.

This story may not apply to you and your daughter whatsoever, but it came to mind when I read your message, so I thought I'd share it.

I would try letting her accept the natural consequences of her actions. Rather than argue with her, just let her wear dirty clothes, sleep on the floor, get frustrated that she can't find things. Don't say, "I told you so." Just let her experience her world for what it is.

I wish you the best.

It sounds like there is more going on than just a normal not wanting to clean her room. You said you have had issues with her since pre-k? What kind of issues? My child also REFUSES to clean especailly his room- which he trashes often in temper tantrums. He's been dx'd with disruptive behavior disorder. Is there a possibility that your daughter might have something like that going on? ADHD makes it VERY difficult to be organized and is very overwhelming when looking at a messy room. Oppositional Defiant Disorder causes a child to say no to just about anything. Please email me privately if you want to talk more about this. I am sorry I don't really have much advice for you as I am still figuring it out myself - although I am reading a book called "Your Defiant Child" and it sounds like the program would work well if only I could get my motivation going enough to start it!

I have a sister who was always very messy, and as an adult the only way she keeps her house clean is by owning the bare essentials. My mom took all of her stuff away once; she just got furious and still didn't keep her room clean (and never got most of her stuff back). I think it might have worked if my mother had discussed it with her beforehand and had worked out a system for her to earn things back like Rebecca M suggested. The book "Positive Parenting" by Glenn Latham is good at explaining how to discuss consequences with a child this age in advance. My daughter is barely getting old enuogh to start using this method, but I've seen it used on older children to great effect and your library should have a copy so you don't have to go buy the book.

I liked the way Rebecca M helped her daughter clean out her room and they had a clear system for getting belongings back. I would take it one step further by establishing a clear place for each belonging to go once your daughter earns it back, complete with labeled containers - if she has trouble keeping her room clean she probably is not a natural organizer. Try to keep things positive (explain that you're helping her keep her room and belongings nice) rather than sounding punitive.

Have her earn things back very gradually, starting with those objects she personally values the most (let her choose). Then she has to keep those things put away for a few days before she gets the next thing. Anything that is left out gets taken back and she has to earn it back all over.

Good luck!

Oh my goodness... I was reading this this morning and thought maybe I had spaced the day and had written something about my own 10 yr old daughter. Sadly I dont have much advice. I keep sending her to her room to clean it. One day I took EVERYTHING out of her room including the furniture. She and I scrubbed it and the furniture went back in. She had exactly enough clothes for one week...well 5 days. There was nothing else in her room. She had to earn it back day by day. If it stayed clean and her clothes were picked up after three days she got back her clock radio which is currently the most important thing. After each three day interval she got more things in her room. There are days when it still gets messy but she cleans up better now. She has never cared about toys or money so those usual bribes/rewards dont work. Taking away tv and her privilege to call her friends works a little.
Good luck

In the words of Doctor Phil...toughen up. I watched an episode where he said to take everything out of the kids room...everything... except a pillow and blanket and reward good behavior by giving one thing back each day of good behavior. And taking away for bad. We did it when our son was acting like a spoiled rotten brat. It worked wonders, was it hard? oh yeah. But anything with a good outcome is hard. Try it, stick to it, she'll smarten up..I guarantee it. Let her kick and scream, she'll stop when she wants her stuff back. Good luck.

Hi A.,
I thought you were talking about my 8 year old son there for a minute lol. It is super frustrating!!! I tried making a chores chart at the beginning of the summer for my son....yeah, that lasted a week. So now, whenever we go to the store and he wants something I say,"hmm if you did your chores and earned your allowance then you'd probably have enough to buy that." I told him I'm not buying him anything else until he starts taking care of the things he has. So, I guess I don't have any real advice because I haven't found anything that's worked yet. As hard as it is, I think some of the laziness Is in their make up as a person but hopefully someday when they start working and know what it's like to work for what they have, they'll take more pride in their belongings!!
Good luck!

Hi A.,
I'm reading and re-reading your letter. What I'm getting is your 10 year old was the baby for six years, maybe even spoiled in the process and now she is acting out to get the attention you are trying to give to your younger children. Perhaps you need to give her some alone time and have a heart to heart talk with her.

Perhaps giving each some kind of responsibilities in the household on a weekly basis, then reward each with an allowance of some sort for a job well done.

A., do you watch the nanny show on tv? Perhaps you could p/u some tips from the show.

You and your family are in my prayers
M.