Advice on Dealing with a Hurtful Parent

Why would you want to be around somebody that thinks yopu are a loser and selfish??I have to tell you once I had my son(who is now one)I told myself I was not going to asociate myself with negative people,only positive,nice and caring people.Life is too short and I dont want my son to feel any of that negative energy.So-no I would not see your"father" he doesnt deserve you or your son to be a part of his life.Hope this helps

It is not your responsibility to repair the relationship. He is the parent& the one who bagan this whole mess! No matter how old we are, our parents are suppose to help nurture our relationships.

I too had a parent who didn't always see eye to eye with me.
My father stopped speaking to me also, but I wrote him a letter explaining my feelings & let the ball be in his court. He did after about a month come to his senses & came to me. We reconciled & things were perfect. He passed away 3 years ago & I still regret that we missed those 6 months.

I hope you can get back in contact with him. Once he is gone ... he is gone. Make an effort to contact him & if he rejects you thats on him not you. Good Luck!

Hi L.,
Sorry to hear o f your turmoil. I am 33 and lost my father last year at the age of 77. My sisters have all had a series of issues that were never resolved and still carry around a lot of baggage and anger. I realize he is not the father we had all hoped for or tried to mold into for so long. If you can find it in your heart to forgive his shortcomings you will release yourself of a building hatred and feelings you may never be rid of when he leaves the world. It is a lot of energy to spend on a person when your own family will need it. Good luck and try to keep it on the surface and friendly knowing you will not accomplish getting through to you how much hurt he has caused to you. He is expecting tension don't satisfy the need for it. Even if you send a fathers day card with out speeking you will have been the better person and put the ball in his court.
D.

If you feel that your not any of those things your Dad labels you are then I would say he is the one with the issues.
For some reason he sounds as though he is bitter and maybe he suffers from depression or bipolar and that is what makes him go off for no reason.
I think if he does not make the effort and it is a one way street then I would not force it right now.
I can totally relate about wanting to make up before there is no time, I have been there. It is a hard constant battle.

As another person pointed out, you can not be responsible for someone else's actions. I would add that you are responsible for your own. Do what you want to do, what makes you feel good. If it is ignoring him, then ignore him. If it is telling him how you feel then tell him, etc. Do not try to rationalize or psychoanalyze what may have happened. You will make yourself crazy. He may not even know why he does what he does. You can not make other people be what you want, so if you pursue a relationship, you will have to accept that he is hurtful and abusive.
I also had a difficult relationship with my father. Five years ago he was diagnosed with a very aggressive pancreatic cancer. He was given 3 months to live, but survived for eight. I was luckily given the time to resolve my relationship with him - at least to my satisfaction. The situation is different because life thrusted us into a position where we both wanted a clear conscience. It is just my opinion and experience, but I think had he died before I was able to talk to him, there always would have been a lingering guilt or dissatisfaction. I hope that makes sense. I wish you the best of luck.

I am really sorry to here about your father... I would ask him why he hates you and what you did to upset him so much... It might be a good thing to see a counselor... Does he blame you for your mothers suicide?
I have a sister like that, she doesn't talk to me or my other sister and she is disrespectful to my mother... I do not live close to them, they live in Cleveland and I am here in Warwick... My mother and good sister went to a counselor to know how to handle this, the counselor said she is angry and has been for a long time... We thought she was bipolar, but she can control her anger...
I hope everything works out for you and your family...
M.

I am not sure if there is anything medically wrong with your dad but if there is, alcohol, maybe he is at that age where demensia is taking over .. what ever the case may be it sounds difficult. My advice, send him a card with a hearfelt note letting him know how you feel and then leave it at that. He he doesn't want to reconcile with you then you know you did what you had too. Good luck, I have seen this with my husband and it was very hard for him at first but we have little kids and I want them to know who there grandfather is where they come from. We don't have the idea realtionship with him but we do see him a few times a year and that makes my husband happy now that he broke the ice.

Hi L.,
I agree with you that your father's behavior is abusive. However, I don't agree with not attempting some sort of reconciliation. I guess my rule in trying to deal with people like that is that I will always try to take the high road and be the bigger person. I would acknowledge him on Father's Day, simply because he's your father. That doesn't mean you have to hang around him all the time or that you will have a great relationship. Also, if you want to know what prompted his behavior, I would go see him and ask him. Just be homest and let him know that you're really upset and that you're not sure what you did to get him upset, but that you want to resolve it. That puts the ball in his court, and then you can be at peace knowing that you tried. If he doesn't respond favorably or appropriately, then you can always keep your distance, but I would still acknowledge Father's Day, birthday, etc., at least with a card, because that's taking the high road. Maybe your stepmother would have some insight for you? Good luck.

Dear L.,

I can only imagine how you feel. I have some issues with my parents sometimes too. I do not live with them for 10 years now and still things happen. It hurts me very much that we do love and care about each other, but still fight (often I even do not know about what). What I realized is that every relationship involves 2 (or more) people and BOTH should work on it. If it is only one, it becomes very, very difficult. I try to do what I feel is right and then learn how to accept them as they are. May be you should mail a card to you Dad or a gift if not sure about meeting him now? Did you try to talk - just to ask what happened?
Good luck!

L. I my feeling is why put your self through that when you have a family of your own they come first, you tried and your father rejected you well then your concouse is clear the next attempt should be him and there should be no guilty feelings on your part. Enjoy your life to the fullest with your husband and son.

Hi L. it sounds as though your father may have a mental illnes like Bipolar that is going untreated. You are not responsible for anothers action just remember that. So when he has this behavior take a step back and try to remember its an illness. I also wonder do you resemble your mom? When he sees you it could rush back memories of your mom that he does not know how to deal with. My mom and I have a touchy relationship, but we had 1 blow out where I finally stood up for myself instead of backing down like that wounded child. our relsationship is better.She does not take advantage of me as much So good luck and concentrate on your husband and son. But don't completely give up on yor dad. If I went into my issue with my dad we would be here all day. T.

First of all I would not go to him and "reconcile" just because my family is pushing you into it. Are they pushing him into meeting and reconciling with you? I bet not! You do what your heart tells you to do not them. Also if that were me I would want to sit and talk with him and find out what his issue is with me first, ask why he is so cruel and said all those nasty things about you. It is not fair for him to say those things but not explain why he feels that way. So I would sit down with him 1:1 to find out what is going on in his head to to vent your feelings. Maybe then you would feel better getting out how you feel and finding out his reasons for being like that. Then he needs to be the one to appologize and reconcile with you not the other way around. It takes 2 so don't be pressured into reconciling with him just because family wants you to he needs to as well.
Good luck, I am so sorry he is treating you this way. My mom went through a similar situation and tried talking to her alcoholic abusive jerk father/grandfather and he never gave her a reason but that he still wanting nothing to do with her and then he died. So you need to at least get your feelings out to him.

Hi L.,
First let me say I am sorry to hear of the situation between your father and you. I would get him a card, or give him a call on Father's Day. I don't feel as though you should have to go above and beyond and "pretend" as though things didn't happen as they did. It could also be an opportunity for you to ask him if he'd like to go out for lunch or something and maybe you two could clear some things up and if it's in a public place, maybe things won't get as heated. I have a step-father whom I've had a rocky relationship with all my life of knowing him, I hate having to extend myself to him on Father's Day because quite frankly I don't consider him a "father figure" in any way, shape, or form, but I do get him a card or a little something each year, it's my way of saying I did my part. :) Good luck, I wish you the best.

I would stay away from him and the step-mother why put up with that abusive behavior???
He could be having some medical issues also and being a paramedic have you seen any signs to be the truth to that???
The push from the relatives/ now is that because he is ill???
if so then i would think about it and your son does he visit his grandparents at all??? I would put his needs first through all of this. There needs to be an apology and this needs some sorting out, have the relatives pushing this ask him what it needs to take to put this to rest

good luck to you

Hi L.
I have to agree with the other posters about being around someone so abusive. It's not ok for someone to treat you that way no matter who they are. For a parent of all things to call you a loser is just unacceptable. Sometimes the toxic people in your life are also family but it doesn't mean that you have to put up with them. Just send him a card to acknowledge the day and leave it at that. If the opportunity arises and he wants to know why you didn't go to see him you can simply explain (very calmly) that he said some hurtful things last year and you didn't want to subject yourself to that again.

Then again.....it also sounds like maybe he might be suffering from depression or beginning stages of dementia. You mentioned that your mother committed suicide. His behavior could be connected to that. Maybe for some reason he blames you for your mother's suicide???

L.,
First and foremost I want to tell you that you are not a loser. I do not know you but I know God and He does not make anything that is not perfect in anyway. I can relate so much to your situation. I had a Father who was tough all my life. He was not only strict with me but he was mean as hell. He was hurtful. He said things to me as child and on up that I was unworthy of love and that nobody will ever want me. He critized my body and called me fat. He tore every bit of self esteem that I had out of me and made me a dysfuctional fool of a child. The first man who ever said a kind word to me I was putty in his hands. I looked for love in everyplace and sorry to say I looked in all the wrong places. To make matters worse I had the job taking care of him when he got older and sick. It was so hard to do but somehow in my caretaker dysfunction I did it. He would cry and cry for my Mother as she died 8 years before him and somehow I just could not comfort him through this as I know how mean he was to her. I found God somewhere along the way and I came to know him in a personal way. I gave my heart and my life to Him and he changed me in such amazing ways. I do not know if you know him or attend church but I will ask you to try and find him. Speak to him and ask him for wisdom in this matter. You know that my Father was given 6 months to live but God gave him 7 years. The doctors were all shocked and could not explain(he had lung cancer and refused treatment) That was probable a death wish. Anyway for me it was a blessing. I had to learn forgiveness....one of the hardest things a Christian has to learn to do. One day as I was on my knees at the side of the tub bathing him...I looked at him as I did many times and somehow this day was different. I looked down on him all vulnerable and worn and sick and weak and I said out loud Forgive him Father for he know not what he has done. I then told him that I forgive him for all the pain and hurt he caused me. I told him how my whole life has been shaped and molded by all the hurtful things he had ever said to me. He cried like a baby. He died not too long after that day. when I think of him today I still see him for what he was...mean, spiteful and lost but I have forgiven him. That day my life changed in a major way. That day I was set free. I now know that I am cabable to being loved and loving. I am not a loser I am a winner. I am not ugly to the eye and there is much more to me than the physical. That is why I can tell you that there is much more to you and you are not a loser. Find a way to forgive him...not so much for him but for you. Sometimes we think our parents are supposed to love us and all but they themselves have not rec'd love therefore know not how to give it. Sometimes that love is given conditionally. Find a way to forgive him. Ask God to help you. Do not listen to anything that your family has to say about it. You will feel better and your load will be lighter for it. God cannot forgive us unless we forgive others.

God be with you .

L., I would not reconcile. I don't speak to my mother either because she is an alcholic and verbally abusive. I will have nothing to do with her and she will not in my future child's life (I'm pregnant with my first) unless SHE DECIDES to be a better person and mother. Your father needs to realize the joys that he is missing out on. I know there are two sides to every story, but for you to actually feel afraid that he will die and there will no reconcilation, that says alot about you. I just don't know how you could be this way to your own children. Could you?? Anyhow, you could die too! Why should your son be subjected to him if he is not loving toward you and says he feels bad for your son to have a mother like you??? Those are horrible words. I dont' know how you can be forgiving. My mother has done the same sort of things to me and if she were to pass away with no reconcilation I would know that there was nothing more I could have done that I hadn't already painstackingly done for many years begging her to change. I even tried bringing her to therapy but ended up in therapy myself because my doc told me she would never change but that he could help me move on with my own life!! And, he was absolutly right! I still hope she will someday realize but I'm still waiting. When she does, I will forgive her. I know it's hard for you. I strongly suggest a pychologist to help you deal. It is not something you can get through on your own. Good luck. I feel very badly for your situation.

I am sorry to hear that this is your relationship with your Dad...this may sound obvious...but might he be mentally ill?