Advice on Daughter Not Wanting to Go to Dance Class Anymore

I have a dancer at 14. I remember the days you are speaking of. There are two things that I agree with the others on. First every year in dance it gets harder to keep with a year long activity for the recital at the end. I never let me kids quit. If they sign up, they complete it. Then after the recital, every year, she wanted to sign up for another year. It's just the mid point of the year and in her first year, she doesn't realize the benefit...and now, she won't see the benefit. I would put her back in the class with that explanation.

Then the next year realize that not all girls are dancers. Once you would complete the whole year then she could make a good decision. Some girls don't like the make up and fuss of the recital, some girls thrive on it. She may like soccer, piano or karate. Try them all!! But finish what you start!

I would observe a class or 2 to see what is really going on. If it is just not her thing, pull her out. My daughter hated dance class when she was 4. I pulled her out and put her in gymnastics at Bounce in Hartland instead and she loved it!! Even now a year later, she says she loves gymnastics and hated dance. At this age, I think it is important for them to try many different activities to see what best suits them.

As a swim instructor for over 18 years, you have done nothing to help her. If you let her quit one thing, she will try to do it with others. I suggest you have her finish out the lessons and then talk to her about changing to do something else. Does she want to do a different class? Does she want to do something all together different? Let her choose, but have her make a choice to do something once this session is over with.

Letting her quit dance class at 5 isn't going to 'ruin' her. I see no harm in teaching our children that they are free to try anything they think they might enjoy...and be finished if it turns out they don't enjoy it. Make it clear, though that she won't be able to start again until next year if she really decides to quit.

~L.

If her feet hurt...did you check to make sure the shoes fit properly?

I feel that if she is not happy with the tap dance part, then perhaps find a dance class that suits her. This way, she can do what she is enjoying and follow through (as I noticed a theme there~). She is still at the age that if it were me with my son doing an activity that he was not comfortable with, I would not force him.

Basically, I try to teach to him (and my clients): Do what puts your heart into a joyous state~ you will feel better spiritually and emotionally. You also notice the stress is less. And in your case, your daughter will fight less~

Best of luck!

Hello N., Your daughter was catered to for "fits" rather than clear communication. This is the real problem. At 5, she should be encouraged to use her words, not crying, to express herself. If it is that her shoes were too small, then it could have been a true problem. Her entire class is suffering due to her absence, so yes she should have been made to follow through. She is too young to have known in advance that the recital would not happen for her by dropping out of the class. Kids want the rewards without the work. But it is too late to undo it now. If you allow her to go "watch" the recitial, she will see how much fun her friends are having, and will learn her lesson for the future. Simply say "If you would have used your words, we could have bought you bigger tap shoes, instead you chose to just cry, so we didn't know how to help you stay in your dance class." Good luck.

I see no problem in quitting, however, have you researched into what the problem is? I would go into class and see what is going on. Lots of times, at this age, they have a reason, but don't verbalize it. It could be something that you can fix, and then she can enjoy dnace class again. My children, at that age, all wanted to dance, but about this time of year the classes became boring. They did the same steps over and over again every week, with only a few new ones put in, and then they start to work on their recital dance. she just might be bored to tears.

You [and your husband] know you daughter better than we do, so go with your gut. If she doesn't *perform* in the recital, I would suggest at least taking her to watch it! (Isn't five a tough age?!)

I think I would have checked with the dance instructor before pulling her out. There could be someone in her class giving her a hard time. Or maybe her tap shoes pinch her toes...? One never knows with a 5 year old...maybe she doesn't like her leotard...sounds goofy but I have 3 girls and that would not surprise me!

My daughter is 5 & in dance as well. But has a friend she only sees in class, so she can't wait to go. She's only in 1 class, and we didn't sign her up till she begged for dance lessons, and this is her 2nd year. So I'm wondering if 1 your daughter has an interest in dance, 2 how do the kids interact, 3 how is the teacher with them. And a 4th thing I've noticed is my daughter needs to practice to remember what the dance is. She has a better time in class and gets more out of it when she knows whats going on. We also take her and stay through class. At the end they open the door and do the dance for us. I sometimes record it w/ my camera (it's little so it's not like I'm hauling a ton of stuff in.) Then she can practice with her class on the computer at home.
I guess my conclusion is maybe shes overwhelmed with trying to remember so much (school & dance steps), and so many activities. But you've already taken her out, I'd wait and see if she'd like something different. Let her pick a class out of the community enrichment catalog that comes in the mail. There really is very little these kids get to decide for themselves.
:) A. H

N., since you drop her off, and she has to go home with someone else, maybe she does not feel like you care enough, kids want their parents involved in their life, maybe she dont like riding home with someone else, i would find a balance, and try to figure things out, usualy when a kid dont like somethimg and cries to not go, somethimg is up, she may not know how to tell you , maybe her shoes are too small, maybe tap is too hard, i dont know, maybe she dont like her ride, maybe she just wants to be with family , maybe she wants to do what she thinks she might be missing out on when you drop her off, try different things, if its really important to you to keep her in dance class, then i guess you leave her, some of us never get to go to dance classes and cant afford to take our kids, and we do just fine, unless she absolutely needs it, i would not worry about it, be balanced, try to be with her when you drop her off, try to be the one to pick her up or stay in class with her, if you want her to stay she may need more involvement from you , either way , have fun and enjoy life and yeah you gotta be careful when they whine and dont want to do things that can lead to other whining to get out of stuff, but if she has real reasons not to, as she might in her head it will be ok to not let her go, and its ok to keep her in it, but she just might need mre attention from you , who knows keep up the good work , in raising little ones and doing your best, D. s

If she says that the tap is hurting her feet, I would check the shoe fit. Maybe she needs inserts or a bigger size shoe. Or maybe she can do the ballet part but sit out the tap part.

If she's miserable, and you're miserable getting her there, it's not worth it to make her go if she doesn't want to. You may turn her off from ever trying it again. Maybe dance isn't for her right now. We switched my daughter from dance to gymnastics and she's thrilled. This is a good age to try one new activity at a time to see if they like it. It's not as if the "team" is counting on her to be there for the recital.

I think she's too young to make her follow through on a full year of a commitment. She should understand that there are consequences to quitting, ie, no recital. But at 5, forcing her to continue something she doesn't enjoy will make a bad experience for everyone.

Good luck.

My family has done it both ways but I think the ones who could be coaxed into sticking it out were very proud they'd done so. Depends on how upsetting it is for her. In the long run it probably isn't going to make too much difference either way. She's young.

My daughter is 6 years old and has been dancing for almost 4 years. She goes thru little fits where she does not want to go. I tell her that she absolutely can not quit in the middle of the year. If she decides before we sign up next year that she does not want to dance, then she does not have to. She always wants to sign up again. I think by giving in and saying they can quit is sending the wrong message. You are telling her that if she throws enough fits she will not only get her way but also that she doesn't have to follow thru with anything else. We do the same thing with my 9 year old son who takes piano lessons. He will also go thru times when he just does not want to go, but when he gets there he is just fine and seems happy when I pick him up.
I would have her dance teacher look at her tap shoes to make sure they fit okay and that she doesn't maybe need a new pair. Good luck and I say hold your ground.

Okay, well I don't think forcing a 5 year old to participate in extra activities is good, but that is kind of a huge waste of money, huh? I don't know your situation, but I would probably talk to the instructor and find out more how she is in class and can you stay for a class? Maybe she wants you to watch her? If her feet hurt, have you check her shoes? Can she just do the ballet and not the tap? Are you comfortable with the studio you belong to? We go to American Dance Accademy in Commerce. Love it! I purposely put my daughter in class to boost her self confidence. She was always one to cry before going anywhere, preschool, sunday school, etc. This has been great. She is still nervous and shy, but at the very first class I let the instructor know my daughters' personality and normal reaction to new challenges, she really was great!

K.

I haven't read the other posts, but one of the first lessons I was taught growing up was that when I wanted to participate in something, I had to complete it until the end. For example, when I joined the basketball team, if I didn't end up liking it, I didn't have to do it the next year, but I had to finish the season out... same thing went for gymnastics, cheerleading, etc. I had to finish out the season/year, but didn't have to sign up the next year. My step-son (who lives 100 miles away) has been in a few activities in the past and has always gotten bored, so his mom has let him quit in the middle of them. He is now 12 and he never wants to see anything through... If I were you, I would have her finish this year out with the explanation that since she started, she has to finish (which means the end is the recital) and then next year she can decide whether or not she wants to dance again.

I think you did her a huge disservice. This is a 5 year old. Kids this age can't reason out things. Their brains haven't developed to think practically or whether they have issues, etc. The recital might have been the difference between sticking with it or not. When they feel good about a job well done they often want to do that again. I'd have at least waited till after the recital.
And you don't want to teach her about starting something and then quitting before she knows her potential. I'm a karate mom and all 3 of my boys are 2nd degree black belts, grown, out of the house. I still tell parents that they should stick with it at LEAST half way to black belt because too early and they don't know their potential and usually don't compete and experience the possible glory of a medal or trophy for a job well done. Too late and it's ridiculous to quit when they're good, a step away from black belt, and wasted so much time.
So help her get past the insecurities. Maybe performing before an audience is scary. Maybe some other kid has said something that dashes her confidence. But 5 year olds are running more on emotion than real, rational thinking.

This is an old question but I really do think it is important to have them finish what they start for whatever the "season" is. Then if they want out, fine. i..e. we told my daughter that she could have the ice skates she wanted but she would have to continue lessons until she grew out of them. She was six and did understand. I think it is fine to try something and then drop it but not until the session/class/skates are done.

I don't think it's a good idea to let her quit. I think it sends the wrong message. You are basically telling her that if she doesn't like something she can just quit. We as parents need to teach our kids that if we commit to something we need to follow through and finish. Maybe have the friend drop off for awhile and you pick up and see if that helps her. Since my kids were old enough to say they wanted to do something I have made them follow through with it. As far as her feet hurting, the shoes are probably to big or two small. It's an easy fix.
In the future, when signing her up for things remind her of this dance situation and make sure she really wants to do what ever the activity is because there will be no quiting once you sign her up. I know it is tough to see your child unhappy but she'll be a better person in the end. Good luck!

My daughter's been in dance for 7 years now. She went through a phase at about this age about not wanting to go as well. Ended up that there was a girl in class that was constantly picking on her and she just didn't like being there because of it.

Talk to the teacher and see how cooperative she is in class. Kids have a habit of being more dramatic with their parents around. If your "pick up friend" says she's OK after class, then it could be as simple as separation anxiety.

What's her day like? I also notice (even now at 11 yrs old) that when mine is tired or stressed because of something at school (big test, general bad day, etc) she can be a bit dramatic. Mine also used to figure skate in the mornings before school and it was getting difficult for her to be so overly active. We cut out the early mornings and added two more dance classes. Seems she's much more stabile now (for lack of a better term!)

If her feet are hurting from tap, be sure to check out her shoes. Maybe another size would be better, or maybe she needs socks to keep from rubbing/pinching, or something as simple as a planter's wart, or a split toenail could be the culprit.

Don't give up yet. Work with her. Put her in the position of control- or atleast make her think she's in control. Do you want to wear the pink leotard or the blue one? Should we eat a snack at the studio or wait until we get home? Do you want to take your <favorite stuffed animal> to the studio to watch you tonight? Try to encourage her, yet guide her into trying again.

And, for what it's worth - I've always required my kids to follow through with their decisions. But, I'm the meanest mom on the block too, and each kid is different! Especially something with a long schedule and larger committment as dance. But, I started them out with things that had much shorter durations like an 8 week swim class or a 10 week karate class. Wasn't quite as painful or stressful for us, and they understood that a committment was a committment to the end.

Good luck - I know it's not always easy! But, being the mom is be best job in the world!

Hi N.,

Here's my story, hopefully it will make you feel better about your decision. (I think you did the right thing, by the way).

My daughter was 10 when she decided she wanted to do a hip hop class. I had tried dance classes before when she was 4 and she didn't enjoy it, so once it was done, I never signed her up again until she asked to be signed up at 10 years old. She was half way through this hip hop class and decided she did not want to do it anymore. So, I told her that she had to finish what she started--period, no excuses. Boy, was that a mistake. She refused to attend class weekly and fought with me all the time. The worst part of all was that at her recital, little did I know, she was paired up with another girl who was her dance partner. My daughter did not know any of the steps because she missed too many classes--I felt terrible for the other girl who was paired with her because that girl knew all the steps, but because of my daughter acting like a snot by refusing to cooperate, that poor girl's performance was affected. So, I'm sure that her parents were probably ticked off that they paid for a class only for their daughter to look like a fool because of my daughter. Just a lesson to be learned.

-MC

I think you did the right thing. At 5 years old it is more important for them to find something that they enjoy than stick it out just b/c they started - especially since dance involves weeks of payments and recital costs. However, if this were a team sport, I would insist that the season be played out since others are counting on you and at this point, your spot could not be filled by someone else. One thought though, since she indicated her feet hurt in tap, were her shoes getting too small?

If she doesn't want to go I wouldn't take her. Nomally you would put your child into dance and other activities for them to enjoy, what is the point if she isn't having fun? I would also speak to the teacher and find out what is going on at class that she doesn't want to be part of.

It sounds like she needs new tap shoes. Perhaps you should see if you can get a pair of used or borrow a larger pair from the teacher and see if that remedies the problem. If she likes dance, you may want to explore options to keep her in it without her dealing with painful feet.

Hi N.,

I went through the same thing with my oldest son at that age when he was playing hockey. He started playing when he was 3 1/2 and loved it but when he turned 5 he cried the first couple times when the season started so I pulled him out. This was in the fall and by Christmas he was asking to go back. I did make him wait until the next fall to go back because I didn't want to spend the money on a sport that he was no longer interested in. He did still want to go back in the fall and still plays to this day. I don't personally believe in forcing a child that age to be involved in a sport or activity that they don't want to be in. I think you did the right thing by pulling her out for now. When it is time to go back, I would explain to her that if tap is part of her dance classes then she will have to make a decision to participate in the tap or give up dance altogether. Unless of course you can find a program that doesn't involve tap.

Good luck!

T.

Hi N.---Haven't read the other posts, but at my house, we usually stressed to our kids that they have made a commitment to participate in a program and that they really need to stay until the end of the session. I think you can get this concept understood in a 5 year old. We would explain that we've paid a fee for something that they wanted to do. And we also stressed we understand that things don't always turn out to be what they expected and that they end up not liking the activity, and that's ok. But they need to follow through with the current class and then, after that, if they still don't want to participate in that program any longer, than that's ok.

We've tried to teach our kids that sometimes they will have to do things that they don't want to do. They will have to learn to work with people they don't get along with. It's an important life lesson. Having said all of that, of course there may be some situation that requires pulling her out of the class. You'll only know by having a frank discussion with the instructor.

You might want to go back to the teacher with your daughter and explain TOGETHER what her concerns are and try to address them. She might be able to make some adjustments for your daughter and she'll be able to continue through the recital.

Good luck. D.

my daughter is 5 and was in gymnastics from 14 months untill just recently. she loved it untill she got a bad instructor, i made her finish her classes out before we stopped going, but there classes are only 12 to 14 week sessions. i think you did the right thing, why push her to do something she doesn't like. try and find other activities she might like.

I am dismayed that so many people think it's OK to quit because it's dance and not a "team" sport. You are so misinformed if you believe that the other dancers are not counting on every other person to do their part, and the teacher choreographs dances for the particular number of students, so when one drops out, it changes the dance. I am a high school drama teacher and we have the same problem. Students are not encouraged to "finish out the season" so to speak because it's theatre and not a "team sport". Just because it's an art activity doesn't mean that every other person involved is not counting on each individual to do their part. We have seen so many kids drop out in the middle of productions because their parents do not now, nor have they ever made their children follow through and value responsibility and commitment. It starts when they are 3, 4, 5, not 13, 14, or 15.