Advice on 15 Year Old Daughter

First, let me tell you my experience as a teen. I was seeing a boy and getting into trouble left and right. I had no self confidence and this boy was telling me that no one else could love me like he did. We did things we shouldn't have done and I was constantly lying to my parents. I was grounded from him and still tried to see him. It wasn't until I had some time away from him that I realized that I deserved better.
You can certainly be mad and discipline her, but also just talk to her about what kind of girl she is and how she should be treated by her boyfriend. It ended up being a terrible learning experience for me and I know it was terrible for my parents as well. The boy ended up being a real werido and we had to get a restraining order. I don't want to scare you, but she is your daughter! Do what you think is right, especially if you know she's lying to you. Teens only keep things from their parents when they know they shouldn't be doing them.

I was grounded my entire spring break because I'd lied to my parents. I would do both of the things you want to do!

I was that 15 year old. She needs to know that she is busted & you need to make it hard for her to see him. Whatever has happened is obviously enough to make you want her to stay away from her. She will continue to lie & sneek around if you allow it. She will say she is with friends, doing school activities, church activities, etc. If she needs to stay away from this boy, it is up to you to keep her away from him. I did these things too, & looking back as an adult, it's a wonder I even made it to adulthood. I was lucky & wish, now, my parents had put a little more effort into it.

In that case let her know that she cannot sneak anything past you and remind her why you know this guy is not good for her. Tell her why her future with this guy will be a bad one and her disobedience would not tolerated.

Hello Kelli,
Well I knoe this is a difficult time for you. I just wanted to say that your efforts might be in vain(computer spy). The reason I say this is because I was your daughter 6 years ago. My mom tap the phone, had her cop friend run back round checks and follow me everywhere like a spy. At that time I thought she was super strict and I hated her for it now I see that she was trying to protect me. One thing that did work for her was she talked to the guy face face.. mom to boyfriend... and told him how much trouble I was getting into because i was disobeying and that if he really cared he would stop talking to me.. She then told me and said if he cares about you he will listen to what i asked, sure enough he stopped calling, and my mom was able to say that at least he cares enough to wait until we are ready for you to talk to him.. of course he moved on and so did I but alot of prayer could have played a major factor...Good Luck Ill keep you in my prayers

You are correct, if you keep her from him she will just try harder to see him. However, talking on the phone after cerfew is rule breaking. I was like your daughter. My Dad had to take all of the phones in his room when he went to bed and I still managed to buy one at wallgreens and hide it under my bed. I have a 9 month old girl and I am just not looking forward to this. You can ground her every time she breaks a house rule, but what about telling her she can see the boy only with supervision.....? Maybe it will loose it's appeal then. Also, just talk to her. Tell her why he is bad. Good luck!

Hi Kelli,
My name is Shyann and Im 16 years old, my mom is a member on mamasource and has told me about your situation. She has asked for my opinion, I think that ,if you haven't already, you should meet this boy and then if you still do not like him talk to her and him about it. My mom and I always talk about every thing and when it comes down to boys she tells me if she likes them or not and we go from there. You should never feel like you are sneaking behind your daughters back,cause your not, its called being a concerned parent. My mom always tells me " until you are 18 you are my business and every thing you do is my business". I guess what Im trying to say is just talk to your daughter honestly and she should be honest with you.

I know this must be very difficult...I was that 15 y/o at one time. My parents did the same as you and I wanted to see him more and more after they forbade me to see him. Eventually my father threatened boot camp. That worked for me...But my advice would be for you to talk to her and try to see how she really feels, or she may rebel in spite of you.

I can relate to your story having a 13 year old daughter myself. So far I haven't had to deal with the "boy" thing but she has been annoyed with me "spying" on her. Recently she and a friend wanted to go to the movies so I drove the two of them to the theater, gave my daughter money to get in and waited to make sure the got in o.k. I noticed that they did not go to the ticket counter but directly into the lobby instead. They did not come back out to purchase tickets so I called her on her cell phone to ask what had happened. She answered and said "mom...were watching the movie and everyone is staring because I am talking on my cell" and hung up. Not satisfied I went into the lobby myself and asked if they had seen the two girls and if it was possible they bought their tickets inside? I was told that no they hadn't seen them and tickets had to be purchased outside. Long story short...they had snuck into the the theater and I had caught them...I called her back on her cell and told her to come to the lobby..when she did I asked them where their tickets were...they stammered and said "I thought we bought them afterward (yeah right...she's been to the movies before) Anyway...caught red-handed I took them home and my daughter was grounded for 2 weeks, So I guess my advice is to if you can catch her when she has done something wrong and confront her right then and there....they don't have as much fight in them then! Good Luck!

First, Have you met this boy and find out what she likes about him? If not at least make that effort. I so, Have you told your daughter why you don't want her to have anything to do with him without scolding her? Teenagers will do the complete opposite of what their parents tell them. If you fight with her all the time about this and never share quality family time doing or talking about other things it will damage your relationship with her and how she will open up with future boy relationships with you and your husband. You know your daughter better than we do. Has she been a good kid and stayed out of trouble, etc to this point? How do you think she will react if you tell her that you have been spying on her? It may not be worth the fighting. Good luck!

Kelli:

I don't know what to say to you, except I feel for you. I was the obedient child that did as I was told. My sister on the other hand was the rebel that always did the opposite of what she was told. So all I can say is the pick the battles you can win. I saw my parents do everything on earth with raising a rebel that was determined to do what she wanted including the obvious of running away, seeing who she wated to at all costs. You have a rough road ahead I fear. If you can in some way appeal to her without setting absolutes maybe could change the situation. Obviously there is a reason you do not even want him in your home, so try to appeal to her to stay away from you and pray a lot.

You are in our prayers,

J.

I would suggest giving this boy another chance, invite him over for dinner with you and your husband with your 15yrold and allow her to see him with restrictions and as they earn your trust give them more and more liberties. She may only be 15 but she is becomming her own person and the best way for her to learn about people is for you to allow her to befriend all kinds with in the safety of your watchful but not overbearing eye. Trust that you did a good job raising her to make good choices and give her some trust. That's all she wants.

I think that Cindy's response is excellent. I often wonder, too, why parents in your situation don't bring in the other parents, and even the boy himself, for an honest discussion about what's going on. His parents may not know (of course, it's possible that they won't care, but it may be worth a phone call). And sitting down with the boy and your daughter will send a strong message to them that you are aware of what's going on, so sneaking around's not going to work. If you have a strong but calm conversation about what you don't like about him, and let your daughter see his reaction (most young guys don't do well being criticized), that might be enough to get the momentum switched around. And it might just be really helpful for everyone to get everything out on the table. It might open up possibilities you never imagined.

But yes, I would really stress long-term consequences, but in a tangible way. My mother used to get very hysterical and dramatic when talking to me as a teenager, and I can tell you once she did, it went in one ear and out the other. My dad could say the same things, but in a logical, calm way, and it made sense. Try to stay grounded and calm, and walk her through her different potentials. The budget idea is a great one. Kids, even teenagers, have no idea how much money it takes to live even a moderately comfortable lifestyle. Housing, taxes, insurance, utilities, health care, food....Don't spare her any of it, but ...don't heap it on, either. Teens can pick up on lack of sincerity faster than anything. Be clear with her, be honest with her. And good luck.

My first question is why you prefer she does not see this boy? My suggestion is if it's because of something you could overlook, then turn the tables on her. Call the boys parents, arrange to have a get together and get to know the parents and the boy. Set some ground rules and get all the parents to agree to them.

I also suggest talking with your daughter in terms of what type of person she really wants in her life. Someone who will treat her with respect or someone who will ask her to lie to her parents and treat her like a second class citizen that they can call on whenever they want. She has to have the self-respect and self-confidence to be strong in getting what she wants. I'm not saying she's lacking these qualities, but there are definitely ways to deal with this straight on and not by spying on her. One call to the phone company and you can have his number blocked from calling. Same thing for the cell.

Sit her down, be straight with her and maybe she'll do the same.

C.

Well mom, your daughter has reached an age that you have to hope and PRAY that all the important things you've taught her up to now will work in her/your favor.

I'm sorry to say that you are making this boy more enticing to her and possibly destroying your relationship with her. The best thing you can do is to have a true heart to heart with her about their relationship and to work out a compromise with her. The best thing is to have him welcomed in your home where you at least have an idea when they see each other. You'll need to continue to monitor her time on the computer with him and set limits as to when he is allowed to call and when they can be online to talk. I know it's frightening when it's a person you don't want influencing your child; but it's better to have them on YOUR turf than sneaking off to meet where you have no control. If he's not the kind of person you want her seeing....then he'll show his true colors soon enough.

This is such a difficult age. But if you keep their time together simple and welcome him to your home for meals, evenings to watch movies, family get togethers, and explain to her that she cannot single date with him until she is 16 or older....it might work to your advantage.

What you don't want is for her to figure out ways to sneak out and meet him in inappropriate places; which is what she's already doing. Include some of her other friends in your get togethers. You'll learn a lot about what values your daughter has picked up by watching the kinds of friends she brings around.

Lay the ground rules for what is appropriate and inappropriate behavior in your home...but don't make it sound like it's just for him...let her know this is for any of her friends who come over. But try to keep it casual and inviting...not tense...when they come around.

I've raised two beautiful daughters to adulthood who have rewarded me with four wonderful grandchildren. Our home was full of young people through their teenage years. When my husband died suddenly...those young people were here to help in our time of need. The important thing was they felt welcomed, valued, and grew to be important in our lives in many ways.

You are right to be cautious. But spend lots of time on your knees in prayer. HE is the only one who can be with your child at all times. Good luck and God bless...

http://www.missbrenda.com

I think you need to confront her! You need to let her know you know whats going on and you will not tolerate it. Young people are very sneaky at this age...I know... I'm on my 4th one and they all have tried the same things! You cant shut your eyes and hope it will go away because it wont.I know its important to be a friend to your kids,but its more important to be their mom. Dont lose control because sometimes the control is hard to get back... I've lost control of my 17 year old and Im still struggling to get her back. Good luck to you!

I have advice from being that girl who did things behind my mom's back. Don't tell her you have been spying. It will just alert her to use other means and prevent you from learning more about what she is doing. Tell her you know but not how you found out. You could have simply listened in on her call. Remind her why you don't want them involved and point out her bad behavior, such as being deceitful by sneaking around, late calls, ete., is directly related. Let her know she will have to show you she can be trusted to use the phone, go to the movies, and such while respecting your boundaries or not have those privileges. If you need to scare her straight do some teen pregnancy and std research and talk. Don't give up.

I am a young mom, 26 years old so my teenage years are not that far off. When I was young (12) I was very rebellious and snuck around as your daughter is doing. I got caught several times and it hurt my parents badly. If I can give you any advise it would be that you should talk to your daughter and listen to her and listen hard. The more you try to keep her from this boy the harder she will try to defy you. It is the excitement of attempting to see how much you can get away with. When I entered into high school, my parents took on the focus that they wanted to be in the center of my life and know everything...the good the bad..the ugly. My mom became my best friend. I did a lot of things advanced for my age like dated older guys, traveled, college parties etc. Most of the things teenage girls dreamed of. But my mom knew where I was at all times and what I was doing. In some ways it took the excitement out of sneaking around because she knew. And I confided in most things with her and she was able to give me an adult perspective and guide me in the right way. Still to this day I confide in her in everything. I have become very successful in my career at a young age and it's because my parents have let me experience life but gently guided me along the way to know boundaries. Another thing is even though I did as much as I did in high school I maintained a 3.5 grade point average, was in advance college courses in high school, and apart of school government. They treated me like an adult and it was a business relationship. I gave them the numbers they wanted and I got the profits (doing what I wanted...to an extent). When I began dating at your daughters age my parents agreement was that he could come over the house and we could watch tv on their couch. When I was 16 they still wanted him to come by for dinner and I would take my own car if we were on a date so that I can leave if I need to. You have 2-3 years left with your daughter. You are finished raising her. It is now up to her to make the right decisions that will affect her life forever. Be a friend with the focus of guiding her in the right direction. If you keep restricting her you will push her away forever. She could get pregnant and ruin her future. This guy will come and go. Invite him into your home. Get to know him. Keep your friends close and your enemies closure. Invite him to everything. The fizzle will die between them. She'll get sick of him. Hope this helps.

Hi,

I am the mother of two daughters. One is 18 & the other 16. I am not a expert, but since I have daughters the same age I will tell you a little about what I do. First of all at the age of 15 most kids don't try hard to do what their parents want them to do. They are beginning to push the boundaries and they want to listen more to their peers. That is a scarry thought but it is somewhat true. I also know my own daughter told me that if I ever forbid her to see a boy she would probably sneek around my back and do it anyway, and she is normally a very good girl. I have also heard said over and over again, if you tell a girl she can't see a boy that will make it more appealing and actually prolong the relationship. My faith also plays a part in what I do with my kids. I am a Christian and my kids have been raised not to lie etc. I talk openly with them all of the time. You need to explain your concerns with her in a way that she knows it is just out of concern for her well being not because "I said so". So my suggestion is to tell her that she can see him as much as she wants as long as it is in your home. This will give her a chance to see him for who he really is in the safety of your own home. It might also give you a chance to get to know him and see why it is that she likes him. Hopefully the excitement will wear off and she will end it. I know how difficult this is because my oldest daughter has dated several boys that just made me cringe, but she was smart and was finally able to see them for who they really were.

Speaking of daughters, mine has just come in and we are headed out of town.
Hope I helped,
Julie

My advice would be first and foremost to keep communication open as much as possible..you might try speaking the parents to get their thoughts..more than likely, this "love" will fade...I would try and keep an eye on her as much as possible, but teenagers who are in "love" can and will go to extremes..so, if it were me, I would probably not outright ban communication with the boy..seems that would make it all the more exciting (to a teenager anyway)..she will more than likely see for herself what he is about and they will both move on..Also, I would try to keep her involved and busy as much as possible with family/school/church activities to keep her mind occupied..as with much of the phases of childhood that we as parents find difficult..."this too, shall pass" good luck.

Kelli,

I'm so sorry for your situation. My advice comes from the aspect of your daughter. You are right - if you forbid her, she will only try to see him more. I'm sure there is a good reason why you don't like him and if you lighten up on her/him - she will eventually see it too. I was in this situation as well. I dated my boyfriend starting at age 14 and did so for 4 years. Once I was about 17 my parents forbid me to see him and I will tell you - I never stopped (and he too lived 30 mins away - but that didn't stop me at all). It wasn't until I had just turned 18 that they just gave up - and ONE MONTH later, I broke up with him. I did date him again when I was in college - on/off when I was 20 but that was shortlived and I remembered all the reasons why we weren't good together.

FYI - I'm 31 now with a 4.5 year old daughter and am currently expecting B/B/B triplets! My parents love my husband (whom I've been married to for 8 years).

Good luck.

As an adolescent counselor, without knowing the whole story- I suggest a few things. One- does she know why you don't want her to see this boy, and if not- you need to sit her down and talk to her. Two- she is entering that stage in life where she is exploring, trying to figure out who she is and what she wants out of life. At 15 you are not going to stop her from seeing or doing things, all you can do is let her know what you think and why, and hopefully she will respect that. You need to realize that you can no longer protect her and tell her what to do all the time, she needs to make her own decisions- and unfortunately she will make them whether you want her to or not and they may not be decisions that you would make. And if you continue to hold on so tight and watch her every move- she will only pull further away from you. See a counselor if you need more help.

My daughter is now pregnant at 17, and she is going to see just hard being a parent is.

My daughter began to sneak around and hand out with the wrong people. The more we tried to advise her against it the more she would do. This past Janurary she ran away. It happened to be the same day we got a call that my father-in-law was in the last stages of cancer and that we needed to get to the hospital. My daughter was gone for 3 days, my son and my ex-husband looked for her the entire time. My husband now and I were three hours away planning his father's funeral.

Once she was found, she went to stay at her dad's house, she was tired and angry at him and after being told that she could not do something she blew up. She spent days in a hospital and was put on antidepressants. Once she came back home she was still trying to sneak around. I just finally decided to talk to the young man she had a crush on. I called we talked and he came over to meet us face to face. Since meeting we know his parents and even if we don't like the situation at this time, our daughter is happy, she is staying at home, the fighting is done and we can all talk.

I guess what I am trying to say is talk to your daughter, talk to the young man, get to know their situation. If your daughter sees that you are trying to see things her way, she might begin to see things your way. We found at this age, the more we push what we want on to our children, the more they push back then run away.

Prayer and trust is what it will take. If she knows you have been spying on her she may run or the anger may be so strong that she acts out in other ways that could lead to her getting hurt. I know this is not much help. I just know once I began to keep an open mind and not judge people until I know them, my daughter and I have built a very strong bond. Her step-dad also has a very strong bond with her now. We may not like what our kids do, who they talk to or what their goals are, we can only love, support and understand them. Honesty, Trust, and an open mind go a long ways when it comes to teenage girls.

T. V

Hi Kelli,

I don't have teenage children yet but I can speak from my own experience as a teen. My friends and I all seemed to hook up with boys who were less than desirable from our parents' points of view. My mom was very liberal and while she let me know (often) she did not think my boyfriend was good for me long-term, she did not forbid me to see him. Even when she found out I was no longer a virgin, she did not freak out but she insisted on taking me to the doctor to get on the pill so that I wouldn't be tied to this guy for life by having his child. It took four years for me to finally come to my senses and break up with him for good. She was there to help pick up the pieces and bit her tongue rather than saying, "I told you so."

Two of my friends, on the other hand, were "forbidden" to see their boyfriends. All this did was cause them to sneak around to see the boys and both of them did end up getting pregnant. Their lives were much more complicated and difficult than mine. I went to college right after high school, got a job, got married, etc., then had two beautiful boys. They both ended up going to college eventually but only after going through divorces, diapers, etc., to get there.

I guess what I'm trying to say is if you hold on too tightly, it can totally backfire. Hopefully, you have raised your daughter to have good morals, think for herself and make good decisions up until this point. Now it's time for those lessons to be put to use. Trust her, love her and let her know you are 100% in her corner and things will turn out for the best.

Good luck!

M.
www.GoodHealthMadeSimple.com

OK... I was that 15yr old also... I'm telling you now... if she knows that you can see what she is doing on the computer and you know she went out with him then she will stop. There will be that fear that you might find out and she wont want that. But I would also suggest that you invite him over to dinner (like the other reply said) because then he will be less fun. And you will know what they are doing. Maybe invite him to the mall when you go... public places are the best (with you there of course) I'm telling you this is what my parents did and I found I didn't even really like him. Good Luck!