Advice on 15 Year Old

K.,
A little advice, I was in the same situation when I was in high school, and the more my parents tried to push me away from him, the more I wanted to be with this guy. At that age, the more you make it a big deal and something that she can not do the more she is going to want to be with him. I would suggest you let them be together, supervised. Allow him to come over to your house when you are home. Allow them to talk on the phone for a certain time frame. If in fact this guy is bad news, your daughter will eventually find out and let him go. You have to allow her to make her own mistakes, and let her know that you are there for her.

N.

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Well, I certainly understand that you want the best for your daughter and that you want to protect her. She is at the age where she will do what she wants, she is asserting her independence right now. Having a boyfriend isn't necessarily a bad thing at her age, but she does need to have limits on how much time she spends with him (especially ALONE) and under what conditions. Try inviting him over for dinner with you and your family once a week, or invite him along on family outings. That way she can spend time with him, but you can also be in the loop of what they are doing together. Now, you know she is old enough to sneak out and get some alone time with him: you've got to honestly and openly explain to her the value of protecting herself and her body. And also, I don't know if she's involved in extracurricular activities at school or church, but get her involved! The busier she is the less chance she'll have of getting into trouble with her boyfriend, and you said she gets good grades so it shouldn't affect her schoolwork to get her into some activities. In my own personal experience when I was in h.s. it seems the kids that didn't play sports or music or theater were the ones that got into things like drugs or ended up pregnant. And probably because they were BORED and made poor choices to stay amused! I don't know if you attend church or not, but when I was in h.s. I was involved in a great youth group at my church. And it was good for me to get a spiritual perspective on relationships and other stuff too, aside from what I was taught at home by my parents. It adds another dimension to hear that God values you and wants the best for you and has set expectations or boundaries in order to protect you. Good luck with your daughter. Whatever you do keep the communication lines between you and her open, she needs to know that even is she messes up big time she can still come to you for help.

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You need to stress to your daughter that you trust her and you care for her and if this is a relationship that is meant to be that it will come when she is old enough. You can raise your children the best you know how. But you have to accept the fact that THEY will make their own choices. Another fact is maybe you should take her to the doctor for birth control, and then give her more responilbilies around the house, and let her know that if she going to make adult decission in life then she will carrie out more adult responibilites. Maybe that will slow her roll. Best of luck and May God keep you strong.

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Since you can't keep them apart, have you considered encouraging them to be together? I know that's not what you had in mind, but often with teenagers they choose mates based on who their parents will dislike the most. I was never a rebellious teenager, but my mother let me do a lot that I shouldn't have been doing at 15 or 16. You can't control your daughter and I would think that the last thing you want to do is push your daughter away. I think a 2 year difference isn't that bad. So he's a senior and she's a sophomore or junior right? That's normal high school stuff. Have you met this boy? If you haven't you might want to give him a chance, he may surprise you. If it were my daughter, I would meet the boy first then make a decision based on him. Is he in school? Does het get decent grades? After school job? Does he participate in sports? Does he look or smell like he does drugs or drink? And most importantly how does he treat your daughter? You can't keep your daughter from doing what she's going to do, the only thing you can do is open up the lines of communication and hope she'll talk to you about what she is doing.

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I would ground her for a week or two. I would allow her to see the boy with your supervision such as he can come over when you are home to watch a movie or dinner something like that. I would not let them go out on a date. I would make sure she understood in order to see him with your supervision, her grades needed stay in good standing and her behavior would need to improve. I would make sure they both understood what you will and will not allow. I would also make sure they both understood that a physical relationship would not be tolerated.I remeber what it was like growing up and my mom did the same things you have and it did not stop me. If my mom had allowed me to see this boy, I probably would have seen him for what he really was....not good for me. When my mom said no, it just made me more determined to prove her wrong and I wasted 3 years of my life. I am grateful that I did not make any hugh mistakes with this boy but it sure would have made things easier if my mom would have just been there for me and let me see him for what he really was.
Good Luck!

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Unfortunately when teenagers hear the word no, they automatically take offense and get hostile and do the opposite of what you want. I do not have teenagers yet, but remembering from when I was a teen, I can tell you what would have worked for me. Invite him over for family nights so you can get to know him. Invite him over to play games or watch movies with the family, or go to the park or have a picnic. Have it supervised and maybe later if you start feeling more comfortable with him because you know him better, then you can slowly go unsupervised visits in your living room. I would tell her your plan of getting to know him better and bring up any concerns to your daughter you may have about him. Keep the communication open and do not bring it to her in a hostile, blaming type way. Don't pick him apart either, express his good qualities too so she can see you're trying. I understand about the age problem. There are some boys and girls out there that are trust worthy though. Be open with him too and tell him your concerns. Have an adult conversation with them together and maybe apart too. I agree that she is clearly too young to be dating especially when he will be 18 soon, but maybe you'll get lucky and he'll think the chaperoning is too weird or not worth it and he'll leave. And who knows, maybe the chaperoning will last for a year or two :)

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K., I understand the need to make sure your daughter is protected and behaving properly. However, when I was 15 and my parents told me not to do something, I did it anyway. I was the girl with the good grades, involved in youth group and sports, but I was wild. Some kids are just strong willed. Please make sure you are both communicating, and set boundaries. Absolutely forbidding the relationship will get you nowhere fast. I agree with the other moms, supervising their time together is a great way to go. Also, if she keeps disregarding you, take away priveleges, like track meets, that would otherwise allow for her to be unsupervised with him. Make sure she realizes that she has to EARN your trust back, and it's no easy process. Best of luck to you!

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Please tell me she is on birth control...because that is really the only thing YOU can control for sure unless you are going to lock her up daily and supervise her 24/7. I know she will do what she wants, if she had a hickey that means she is spending free time somewhere and you cannot make her choices for her...and it really sucks because this is a very stupid and irresponsible age! I'm sorry for what you are going through but this is the hardest part of raising a teen and you are doing the best you can...
I would definately try to find some kind of scare group, pregnant teens, people with stds, ect. to bring home the facts...people just don't believe the "BAD STUFF" can happen to them...

So what's more important, you being right or getting your daughter to stop fighting you and listen to what you have to say?
I understand what you are trying to do and why you are trying to do it. You want only what's best for you daughter and you want to keep her safe. And with some kids what you are doing would probably work. But what works with one person won't always work with another and the restrictions you are placing on your daughter aren't working. From what you have written it seems they are not only not accomplishing what you want: they are actively driving your daughter away from you.
You clearly don't think you daughter is old enough to make these decisions for herself. Maybe she isn't, but she is making them nonetheless. So the question here really is do you want to be involved in her decisions and be able to guide her and help her think things through. Or do you want her out there all by herself listening to a 17 year old boy as her primary source of guidance because she is either shutting you out, or having a knee-jerk reaction to do exactly the opposite of whatever you tell her she should do?

If you want her come to you for help and advice you are going to have to accept a couple of things. First, she may not agree with you and choose to do something else. This isn't necessarily a bad thing. If she actually -listened- to you then she at least has a clue what to look out for if things start going downhill. Second the decisions are actually hers to make. Is she really old enough to make them? Probably not. But it doesn't matter, she is making them anyway and short of locking her in her room and home-schooling her, you can't actually stop her.

After you decide what you really want to happen if you want advice (from me) on how to make it happen let me know. :) Oh, and double check those laws, many states would legally be OK with an 18yo and 15yo.

Wow, I can remember not that long ago when my dad told me I could not date, especially older guys. You know the more you try to keep her from him the more you are pushing her towards him. I hate to say this but it is true. I have been in her shoes. I wish I had something more encouraging to say to you.

I have two - four boys and I do my best to keep them in line when it comes to being girl crazy. But my oldest son found out that I didnt care for his girl friend and for a while he was more drawn towards her. Once I started to back off he finally started to see her for who she is. He didnt feel like he had to defend her to me anymore once I started to act like I didnt care.
I wish you good luck with her.

Dear K.,

Please stand firm on your postion with your daughter. I have a 10 year old daughter and in 5 years I could be me this could be happening to.

My little sister was your daughter, back a few years ago. She didn't listen to my mom, and at the age of 17 she was sent to live with me and my husband. We called it "R. Boot Camp". I took time to listen to her, but she was still trying to lie to me and was rude and hateful some times. She was getting into trouble at school, (attitude) and she had friends that were up to go good. My sister got pregnant at 15 and at age 17. She did not have those babies.

Please be firm and try to make him (the BOY friend) go away.

My daughters are not 15 yet, but you have to stand your ground. You can do it and it is for her not you that you are doing it. Be encouraged that this is only a phase. If you give in you are taking the chance that she will make a bad decision and end up having to make other decisions to make up for that. Good luck and I will pray for you.

WOW-you started firestorm w/ this question!!

Definately you are on the right track. She is so young to start such rebellion. The scary thing is that the boy sounds very disrespectufl and that's the last person you want near your child. I would contact the school as well as his parents and let EVERYONE know that they are NOT to be together.

I have to ask..is Dad in the picture? Sounds like she has really searched for male attention from a young age? I would do what you had to to get a hold of this situation. Even if it's having a family member or friend sit w/ her while you are not home. You only have one shot at raising her right and she's headed down a defiant path already!!

Stand your ground on this one!! She is far to young to date ANYONE let alone someone older....and more experienced!!

K.,

we all know that we can't tell them "not" to do something, because it is the first thing they will do! We can't tell them "to" do something. They will never do it. I think the trick is to talk to them like adults. (because thats what they think they are.) and in this talk you trick them into thinking that its is their own ideal to do the "smart thing!" talk about the future and who they want to be and how they are going to get there. Is this guy going to be able to take her there, and give her what she needs?
Their ages have nothing to do with anything. There are only three years between them. Yes he will be an "adult" first. But that is only a technicality really.
Maybe you could try to compromise and let her see the guy at home and church. That way you can have an influence on him as well to do the "smart thing!" the more your around them the more of an influence you'll have on them. The less sneaking around they will have to do.
He can't really do anything to her over the phone, and from what i understand it's more torture to the boy than fun anyway!
Maybe they could speak on the home phone. That way the family is around and they will at least watch what the say to each other.
As for the car. I believe you have to have two things to drive. Respect and responsibility. Both are earned through your actions. She doesn't seem to be showing either. There for she can not make a responsible driver.
I would tell this young man that if he disrespects you again he is gone for sure. The law will do that for you. If you catch him disrespecting your daughter the way he did to you, he is gone. The law will do that too! One chance, one chance only! No room for softies here!! You have to gain back your statice as leader of the pack.
I really hope this helps. Though i have no more experience than you. I have two boys. The oldest just turned 15 on april fools day.he also just started track. Ahhhh!! So i'm just starting to go through all that you are. I'm only on the other side. Thankfully!!! God knew what he was doing there! I wouldn't have done girls well. I would have been way over protective! If i was in your place i would have locked her in her room after i found her with the 16 yr old, and she wouldn't be coming out till she was forty!!!! Ok i'm just kidding!! But what can we do?
Like it or not we are at the time in our lives when we are going to have to start letting them go. Letting them think on their own, and to make their own mistakes. I hate it too! It's the worst part of being mom if you ask me!
You know in your mind that no one will ever be good enough for your little girl, so that is a decision you know that you will have to trust her to make on her own.
Good luck! Let me know how it goes.
God bless you and yours!
Your friend,
M.

DO NOT GIVE AN INCH!!! I was in her position about ten years ago and my parents didn't do anything to really prevent my behavior. As an adult and a parent now, I really wish that they had. I know that it's going to be hard but you can't let her see that boy. If I were in you position, I would call the parents of the boy and the administration at your daughter's school and let them know the situation. You need as many allies on your side as possible. No after school activites. No movies with friends, unless you drive her. Pull out all the stops to let her know that you are in charge and that you aren't going to budge. Be strong!! You are the adult!! You are the parent!! You know what is best!! Do NOT give in just because she is mad at you. Trust me.... I was her and I really do wish my parents had put their foot down. Boys are the enemy and can ruin her life.

NO DATING until you are 16 is a rule.
You are not a bad parent for setting it.
But your daughter needs to respect your decisions and your rules whether she agrees with them or not and that is part of life even when you are 18 and older.
Laws are made that we as adults must follow whether we agree with them or not. Same with those under the age of 18. You need to teach this lesson to your daughter.

If she breaks the rule, then there needs to be a consequence.
I would also recommend that when she is 16 and starts dating that you make sure there is adult supervision, or you may find yourself becoming a grandmother before your ready to be.

(I'm the mother of 3 teenage daughters [ages 19, 15, & 14] and was a teen mom myself at the age of 16.)

It is apparent that your daughter has put herself in a position of having her trust with you compromised. It is your job as her mother to make sure she arrives to adulthood live, safe, and a productive member of society. Now how that occurs might be a conflict between you and your child. You need to always remain as your child's parent moreso than your child's friend. Your child can always find friends, but you are her only mother. Do what is best for her as such. Remember that during the teen years, your daughter is going to try to test the waters a much as possible cause she is trying to find her independence and at that age doesn't always have the best insight of long-term effect of her decisions like you would have at your age, being her mother. Your job is to guide your daughter no matter how difficult she may become. If her boyfriend becomes a problem, you may have enforce thing with legal action...

To do this, talk to guidance counselor at school, a police officer, or an attorney on what can be done. Seek out community support.

Good luck! Sounds like you need it.

REMEMBER: RULES + Disapline + Consequences= Love

I, Being only a mear 23, know what you are going through. I was just as insistant at her age and I actually ended up marring him...However it turned out to be a very big mistake. I was 18 when we got married and just a few short months later he turned his eyes towards other females closer to his age. The best advise I can give you is to rent movies about teen dating and preganancy that don't end in happiness. A good one would be 15 and pregnant. Teen pregnacy is a very serious matter. I was also in a group home with pregnant teens athough I my self was not pregnant, but seeing that opened my eyes very wide. You can get help by taking her to one of these group homes and allowing her to talk with some of the girls and get a real point of view about dating older guys...It really helped me and I'm sure it can help her. good luck!

K.,

What Tracy K. said....I totally agree....couldn't have said it better. If you want my opinion, read her response again. Stay strong!!!! I am the mother of a 15 year old boy (not allowed to date either), and if he ever talked to a girls parents in that way, his hiney would be introduced to leather, 15 or not. She's your daughter, you can't replace her. Stay strong!

Prayers for all our teens,
Beth

I totally understand your point of view. I dated an 17yr old when I was 14 and lost my virginity to this guy. I wish my parents would have stepped in and forbid me to see him but at that time I think that if they did (and they knew it) I would have rebelled against them. My mother took me at age 15 to get on the pill. I stayed with him for 4 yrs and thought I was going to marry him. Thank goodness I didn't!! My point is that if you push her she will push back, she has to figure this one out on her own. She will make mistakes but she is only human and she will need you to help her pick up the pieces after it is all said and done. I am not saying you should just let her do what she wants but if she is determined she will do it no matter what you do. I hope things work out in your favor good luck to you...

I think you are absolutely doing the right thing. Whether she realizes it or not, you are looking out for her best interest. She has so many other things to focus on right now. Risking becoming pregnant shouldn't be one of them. I wasn't allowed to date until I was 16, and for good reason. My mom was, is, and always will be smarter than me, and even when I thought she knew nothing about my life and how things were with kids my age, she was still always right. She could tell which of my friends were bad friends from the minute she met them. Your daughter will continue to fight you on it, but don't budge your position. Otherwise, if anything bad happens to her, you will blame yourself for not doing more to protect her. Find ways to keep her busy after school if you can so that she doesn't have time to do everything she wants. If she is this defiant already, check up on her more. If she says she's going to a friends' house, call the friends' parents beforehand to make sure they know about it, and that she isn't lying to you. She really does need to earn your trust back at this point. Just stick to your decision no matter what she says to you, or how much she acts like she hates you. She'll get over it, I promise. I know I did with my mom, and I respect her so much more now for caring what went on with me.