Advice Needed on Deciding to Have an Only Child

hi N..

in some family only children are great- i'm now 30 and was an only child and even though i was a bit spoiled i don't fit the so called mold of being a n only child and i think that is becasue even though my parents only had me they made sure that i was around a bunch of other kids- doing playgroups and story times-

for me the only negitive came when i was older and my dad was fighting cancer- i felt that i had a lot on my shoulders and think that maybe with a sibling it wouldn't have been so tuff to be strong f or my mom - but who knows-

best of luck to you and your family!!!

Hi N.,

My husband is an only child. He thoroughly enjoyed his childhood and did not miss having other siblings around. He was/is happy, well-adjusted, makes friends easily, etc.. These were all important traits as he grew up moving around every few years since his father was in the military. He enjoyed his childhood. He's even generous and good at sharing. He also would have been happy with just one child.

We did decide to have a second child. Surprise, we ended up with twins. While I am very happy with the family I have, going from one child to more is a large life change. Bravo to you for considering what is best for you and your family. When it was just my husband and myself and our oldest, we had three dynamics (husband-myself, husband- daughter, daughter-myself) plus the family dynamic. With our family of five, we went to 10 different one-on-one dynamics, plus the family dynamics, plus all of the dynamics of 3 or 4 of us. With one, depending on your child, you can bring your child along with you sometimes to things/events that bringing two or three to, at different developmental stages, will not be possible. Life becomes even more kid-centered as you balance the needs of more personalities and just more bodies. With one child I worked after an extended maternity leave. With three kids I am staying home for a few years, which is a large change, financially, professionally, and personally.

We all make choices. There is not a right or wrong on this one. Again, I applaud you for thinking through your decision and wish you all the best.

C.

My husband and I tried for a second child about 18 months after our son was born. He is now 7 1/2. Both of us are not interested in artificially trying for another. We feel like our son is such a blessing and it's not our plan on whether we have 1 or 10 kids. We're not religious, we just think the plan is not up to us and we don't want to mess with nature. We've seen too many friends go through miscarriages, failed artificial inseminations, etc. it's just not what we want to go through.
My son has several cousins nearby whom he sees a lot. He started school at 2 3/4 and has plenty of friends that we see outside school when we can, but for the most part, he knows our family just happens to be the three of us and that's just the way it is. I really don't think it's the end of the world to have an only child. We are blessed to have him obviously:-) It's just not the common/norm that most people expect. There are a few "rude" relatives that say, "why don't you have more?" "Don't you want riley to have siblings?" but it's really none of their business so I don't let that get to me.
Just know that it's a blessing to have the child you have and it might be easier on both you and your husband to focus on that.
Hope this helps,
E.:-)

Hi,

My husband has one brother who is 2.5 years older than him and he made my husband's life really tough while they were growing up. He was just a nasty older brother and I am sure that at the time my husband would have wished to be an only child. After college the brother moved across the country so they weren't together often but he moved back to the area about 15 years later. Now they have a great relationship and it is so great to see our kids growing up together. I know that is really special for my brother.

My Sister is 10 years older and my brother is 8 years older so I grew up almost as an only child. It was lonely, but I did have a good relationship with my sister even though she was usually far away. She made it very clear that I was able to talk to her about anything (our mom is not a very open person) and it was really helpful and comforting to know that she was always there for me. My brother and I aren't very close. I love him and see him occasionally, he just isn't a huge part of my life. However I am so happy that I have people to talk about how crazy my parents are or reminisce with.

So I think there are different phases of siblings to think about. Childhood playmate, rolemodels or support through the awkward teen years, adult friends, aunts and uncles to your children, supports as parents age. Most of these roles can be filled elsewhere and if you have a large extended family with cousins etc that you see often your child may have all of these resources. I did not have an extended family nearby, my husband saw his cousins every week and they really are almost older siblings.

On the other hand we have a 13 month old daughter and are getting ready to start on a sibiling. I can definitely understand some of the comments about how much easier it would be to have only one child. You can do a lot more things without having to worry about age appropriatenesss for two kids. I think you could have a lot of fun and potentially have an easier time getting out and doing stuff. I kind of dread having to think about two kids needs at the same time, but once they get a little older I am sure it will get easier.

Good luck!

Hi N.- Such a hard thing to decide on, and so emotional on all levels. I don't have much personal experience, I am the oldest of 4 and we currently have 2 little girls...that said, I haven't met many only children who were happy that they were only children...most of them, especially when they get older, wish they had siblings to experience life with- especially, as one poster mentioned, as parents start to age, etc. I have seen with some grown up single children (now adults) that there is this sense of loneliness...sure that can be filled in other ways, but if you are considering adopting or finding ways to expand your family I think your little girl will enjoy having a siblings in ways that are hard to define now...

Hi N.:

I can tell you from experience that I was an only child and wished that I had brothers and sisters growing up. The only possible pros would be that you don't have to share your things or your parent's attention. This of course could be a con too.

For this reason, we've decided not to make our son and only. I'm sorry that you've had trouble conceiving. Have you sought out all of your options such as fertility treatment and adoption? This is a decision you and your husband will have to make, but from my point of view it's better not to be raised as an only. Good luck with whatever your decision turns out to be!

I haven't an answer, but I'm in a similar situation. I love my son, and I REALLY love that there is just one of him. But I grew up with a sibling, and so did my husband, and we had always talked about having two children... just now that we have one, we're not so sure.

And we've had the thought of our son being the only one (he has no, and is unlikely to ever have any cousins -- certainly not any even close to his age) on either side of the family (which is nice, he never wants for anything)... having to possibly care for us when he's older, not having someone to lean on when he's older... (I lean on my sister a lot even though there is a 5 year age difference)

For right now, all we have decided is that we're not ready to decide. We're going to enjoy our son now, and think about it when he starts school (kindergarten). I don't know what will happen after that. I hope you find an answer that works for your family.

Your daughter is still very young and there is plenty of time in which to reflect on your wishes for your family life. It is emotionally exhausting, I know. I have a single child and have longed for another baby but because of various circumstance, we are pretty sure we will just stick with the one we've got and count ourselves lucky to have her. But I have spoken to so many people who thought they were done having children, either because of straitened financial circumstances, infertility, or a difficult/dangerous pregnancy and delivery, when circumstances changed and they found themselves surprised by a pregnancy which turned out perfectly. So don't feel like this is a decision you have to make NOW. Let life just happen and keep an open mind and open heart. Good luck!

Hi N.,

Good for you for weighing your options. This is a decision only you and your husband can make, but I can share a few thoughts and experiences. My first pregnancy miscarried, then we were blessed with a daughter. My third pregnancy miscarried too, but my silver lining was that we were able to conceive again and at least we had our beautiful girl. My fourth pregnancy went full term, and we have our second lovely daughter. As much as my husband would have liked a son, I was already 35 and we decided if my pattern is to miscarry first, I really didn't want to go down that road again. So, my husband offered to get a vasectomy and we're done.

What I love about having two children is they have each other, not just to lean on, but to toughen each other up too. From one another they learn they can't always be first, and that they have to consider the feelings of others. They call each other's bluffs, make each other laugh, scream and cry too. They're developing their full range of emotion with one another, and learning some terrific coping skills along the way. This all can be gained through the parents too, but there's something very magical about a sibling to go through life with.

Without a sibling, the parents have to constantly be on duty, filling the child's time and needs, often their sole source for entertainment. It can get exhausting, and the kids catch on and become little experts at wearing the parents down to get what they want. I've been a leader for my daughter's Girl Scout troop for seven years, and while I love each of the girls in my troop a ton, the ones who are only children are definitely higher maintenance...

We have dear friends up the street, whose son is an only child and right between my two girls in age. We love him dearly, and he loves coming to our house to be a part of our mayhem. We used to call him Mr. 20 questions because even as a small boy he thought like an adult because that's who was around him all the time. He has a brilliant mind, but loves coming to our house to cut free, and well, to be a kid.

That said, if you have more than one child, your house won't be as neat, your finances will be a little tighter, you'll have five more years of exhaustion when they're little, and you'll have less control over your lives for a bit. So, only you can decide if it's worth it. I have to tell you though, every night when I tuck my kids in, I count my double blessings : )

I once heard one of the doctors I work with say to a patient who was trying to make the same decision..(he is an OB/GYN)He said.."I have never had a patient say they have regreted having one more,but I have had patients say they regreted not having more" I love that advise b/c you know its true..you wont regret having one!!(I dont think anyway)Hope this helps!Good Luck..

I am an only child. When I was a child I had no problem with it, I figured it out pretty early that it was special to have my parents all to myself, there were always friends to play with and life was extremely good. I will things did change when I became an adult, first when my father passed away it was the hardest time of my life and my mother was in worst shape them me so I had to deal with everything alone. At the time I was raising a child as a single parent and he was also her "father" figure in a lot of ways. Also when I did marry into a family with close siblings I realized what I missed out on as an only child. We agreed to have one child together but with a 14 year age gap between my oldest and my youngest my doctor said something about having "two only children" we decided then and there to have 2. Again this is only my experience and it could have been different if my parents would of been closer to their siblings and shared that with me but they did tend to isolate us from the rest of the family.

I was raised as an only child, and my perspective on this has changed as I've gotten older. When I was a child, I loved it because I didn't have to compete with anyone for my parents' time, energy, attention, etc. (I would often here the "spoiled" business from other people, which I always resented. It wasn't my choice to be an only.)

But now that I'm an adult with two children of my own, I really wish I had a sibling. This is way, way down the road for you to think about, but being an only child and dealing with aging parents has been extremely difficult and lonely for me. I feel tremendous responsibility for making sure my parents are taken care of, and I have no one to share that with.

Another issue I have is my relationship with my mother. This may be more a function of her personality than of the fact that I am her only, but our relationship is really intense, and not really in a good way. I often feel like I'm responsible for her happiness--e.g., by sending her photos as often as she would like, doing webcam with the kids as often as she would like, raising them in the faith she thinks they should be raised with, and on and on. I feel like I would feel less pressure if she had another child to devote some energy too. I now realize how much I felt like I couldn't let my parents down. And that was and still is a huge burden for me to carry. I definitely do not think that all only children feel this way, but in my personal experience, I think another child would have better balanced our family.

Not to burden you with my issues, but something to think about if you choose to stick with one. Make sure you don't make her feel like she's your whole life so that she's afraid to make choices that could possibly disappoint you.

Good luck with this very difficult decision. My own experience as an only child was a huge factor in my husband's and my decision to have two children.

Hi N.,
Seems like there are a lot of us out here with the same question. I have an older sister and my husband is the middle of 3. We are in serious-consideration-mode about having just one. We are a little older, I am 36 and our son is 21 months, and I don't know how hold I want to be and have a teenager at home. We had a very full life before starting a family and now our life with our so is even more full, and we are so in love with our little family. Money is always a concern for us and more than 1 would be hard. We also believe in raising him ourselves, so I have stayed home. I am just getting back into doing a little work and dad is more comfortable with doing "Daddy Duty" but a second child would totally throw that back to full-on stay home mom. This is our choice. I am not very close with my sister and I have a best friend, since I was 9, who is an only child. When I've asked her the question about missing out, she said, "Well my mom was always home with me and I always had you so I never felt like I missed out." I think that's really it. Finding balance so your child has what they need- family, friends, social skills, love. We are still undecided, but most of the people I know who know they want more than one, get pregnant long before their first is 21 mo, like mine. Thanks for the post. It's a very popular question apparently. Maybe we single child moms should form a support group...... that's another thing..... I have a close friend who is leaning towards one also and our sons are close in age, so we give each other a lot of support and the boys spend time together every week.

Do what you think is best! There is no rule that says you have to have more than one child!
If your situation changes, you can always revisit the topic at a later date.

As being 1 of 3 and now having an ill mom I can tell you I can't imagine not having my sisters there w/ me I can also tell you that I only have 1 cousin that grew up as an only child and she was always very lonely not having any siblings always available to play with.

My oldest was the only child for 5 years and he loves his brother to death I am so happy that I had another one all though it wasn't an easy process to conceive him I had to have a few surgeries to have scar tissue removed but it was worth it to have him they always have someone to play with.

We are in a similar situation...wish I had some helpful thoughts at the moment, but I am kind of stuck in thinking about this myself.

Hello N. -

I am an only child, my daughter is an only child and my grandson is an only child. The reality is that sometimes circumstances don't allow us to have more and also there are the financial issues. Only children are generally more intelligent and have a better sense of self even if this takes sometime. Love is the key and acceptance. As long as a child feels love and is raised with values that enable her/him to achieve goals there is no problem. If we focus upon what we don't have rather than what we have in life we are not serving ourselves well. Focus upon what your child is about and not what he/she is missing. All my best wishes to you and your family. M.

Hi N.,

A big decision indeed. I may be in a bit of a different situation...I have an 11 year old daughter. I always thought I wanted more, or at least one more but the older she got the less I wanted to go back to diaper changing days. I got married last year and my husband doesn't have any children of his own and he would like at least one. I thought that was what I wanted too. I found out I was pregnant in February and instead of being over the moon I was panicked. Unfortunately, I miscarried and honestly, I was a little relieved as I had just started a new job with exciting travel opportunities. Don't get me wrong, I feel terribly guilty for feeling relieved and but I also think I may be done with babies. I'm 34 and still young enough to do this but I think I'm just at a different stage in life.

I just wanted to share and let you know that there is no wrong way to form a family. Just do what you feel is best for you and your husband.

N. -
I am an only child - and I loved it... Yes I wished once in a while for a sibling - but really - in the end - it was me and that was great - it will sounds spoiled when I say think - but everything was for me. I didn't have to share when I was home - my parents gave me the attention etc. I did learn to share and all those other life skills you learn from families - my friends in school b/c my sisters and brothers (I am still close to two friends from elementary school and three from jr. high) - I think of them as my family members.

I also beleive I am more creative b/c of being an only child - if friends were not around that day - I would imagine and create stories, situations, etc in my head. I liked to create to make the day more fun if it was getting a little BLAH being by myself.

I beleive a child will be happy in any situation they are in as long as they are loved. I never knew what I was missing by not having a sibling - so it didn't bother me.

Good luck with your decision.
L.

I am going through the same thing! I have an 18 mos old and cannot decide whether or not to have another child.
I too had a hard time conceiving, a miserable pregnancy and then a colicky baby. UGH! The expense of a child, let alone two is more than we can afford.
There is so much pressure to have more than one child, so I think that plays a part as well.
My mom is an only child and is just fine about it. Her and her mom are best friends. My dad has more siblings than I can count, and they all fight all the time... so you never know.
15 mos is still young. Give yourself some more time to think about it. :)

My husband and I originally planned to have 3 children. Then I had a miscarriage and a few years of infertility so that plan went out the window. When DD was first born I did want a second but not right away as I wanted to make sure she had me all to herself during her babyhood. Then I started to change my mind and realized our family is perfect the way it is. DD is 2.5 now. Of course I wasn't 100% sure until I thought I was pregnant one month and I was absolutely devastated about it. Then I knew I really did want 1.

I have a (2 years) younger sister and my husband was an only for 11 years (so for all the formative stuff). My sis and I get along great now but we fought constantly growing up. We didn't get along well at all until our mid-20's; we are absolute opposites. My husband is one of the most well adjusted people I've ever known. He managed to learn all the normal lessons-sharing, etc. without a sibling. He also had lots of opportunities to travel abroad and do other things as a child.

When I was a kid I had 2 only children friends. I went on vacations with them and it was great. They have turned out as normal productive members of society.

The only child stereotype is just that- a stereotype. I have read that that stereotype of the maladjusted only is based on a study from the 1880s of a handful of kids in state care or something. It's absolutely baseless. Onlies actually tend to be the opposite of that stereotype. I can think of several prominent members of society who are onlies.

I think the positives or negatives of being an only or having sibs totally depends on the individual personalities within the families. Now there seem to be a lot more families with only children. This is the right decision for our family. I think that we need to follow our hearts on this one. Your daughter is still quite young. You have plenty of time to decide for more or not. Also, there are a few books out there on the topic.

Wow...this is a loaded and very personal question. I can only honestly answer from my place. I have only 1 sister and always wanted more siblings. My husband is a singleton that was raised by a single mother (with bi-coastal parents) and really missed out on siblings. So when we got together we made a pact to have multiple kids; either biologically or by adopting. We are very lucky and have no problem conceiving naturally and currently have 3 boys (although crazily enough we are in talks of another).

I have friends who have only one (most of the time not by choice I find) and they make the best of it for their kids and surround them with same age peers. These families also seem extremely happy. I also have friends who went down the adopting road.

You really need to do what is best for your family and know that your decision is what works best for you. This world is filled with all kinds of different families and they are all beautiful in their own unique ways.

I wish you lots of luck, there are a lot of children out there in need of happy, loving homes that you might one day be able to provide for them.

H. Z. (SAHM 5 1/2, 4 1/2 and 23 months old boys)

HI N.,

I could have written this post myself. We struggled with infertility and did all the tests and procedures available at the time. Our son will be 20 in a couple of weeks so I've been through every stage of childrearing. After we finally conceived and I had a great pregnancy and delivery, we thought long and hard about what we wanted to do. I also always thought I would have at least 2, but we decided to stop.

First off, we never used the phrase "only child" because it implies that something is missing. We are parents of a "single child". It's a very different outlook. When people asked us what we were doing going forward, we said "Our family is complete and we are happy where we are." There are many benefits of having one child, and many benefits to having 2, or 4 or 7. No one way is better than the other - what's best is for the parents to choose the situation that is best for them, as children thrive in a happy and healthy environment.

The only "down" side we ever saw was that our son didn't have to share toys on a daily basis. Sharing is an important skill. But we solved that with many playdates, preschool, and so on. On the plus side, he got a lot of our attention although we did not spoil him. We did a lot of activities like museums and hikes and bike rides, but he also had to learn to entertain himself. He is, as a result, extremely resourceful and creative. When we went on vacation, we went to places with a kids' program so we could have some time - he learned to meet kids on the beach or at the campground, and he always seemed to have a crowd around him as he collected snails and minnows, built "habitats" in a large plexiglass container he took with him (no simple buckets for him!), or explored the shoreline. He learned to talk to adults and to kids of many different ages. He was a very late talker (nothing to do with having no siblings, obviously) but became extremely articulate, confident and social.

Having a single child doesn't mean you give them everything they want, so if people tell you that you are depriving your daughter or spoiling her, ignore them. Our son still had to learn to work around our schedules and to be considerate. Only occasionally did he ask about having a brother or sister, and we told him there are families of many sizes. When he was 7, we got a dog and he still refers to her as his sister! Believe me, when he had to accommodate to HER needs, he got ticked off, and after a year or so, he never asked again about a sibling!

On the plus side, we were also able to attend his sporting events without having to juggle a second child. We were able to focus completely on his discipline and be there during good times and bad. We had struggles with him during the teen years, for example, but I don't think it has to do with the number of children in our family. He is extremely happy with our family situation and doesn't feel deprived in any way.

Feel free to get back in touch with me if you need to talk more. Good luck with whatever you decide!!

Hi N.,
I come from a family of four girls, and I have an only child. I enjoy a wonderful relationship with my sisters and do appreciate what a large family can bring. I also originally thought I'd have more than one child and in the end, I chose to have an only son for several reasons. I think it's great that you are re-evaluating your original plan instead of sticking to it no matter what because it's what you always thought you wanted.

A lot of people say to me, "How can you leave your son alone? You come from a big family and know how wonderful it is to have siblings. Don't do that to him!" My perspective on that is, the only reason to bring a child into the world is that YOU (and your partner) feel your family and life are missing something without that child. Whatever factors lead you to conclude this could be many - your own personal experience of having no siblings, or many for example.

There will probably be a time at which your daughter asks for a little brother or sister. If you're on the fence about having another child anyway, this could easily pull at your heartstrings. I personally don't think a factor in deciding whether or not to bring a child in the world is how your existing child feels about it. Whether or not she is lonely, wants a playmate, if the new baby will enrich her life, etc... are not valid reasons to consider having another child. The experience your daughter would have with the new baby would come directly from the experience you and your husband have with the new baby. So if you're 100% convinced and happy about the new baby, your daughter will be too (after some adjustment perhaps). Bringing a baby into a family FOR the existing children is unfair to the children, actually, especially if you're not 100% convinced about it.

I think this one is worth taking a long time to think about and figure out. And try not to be influenced by others' opinions.

I responded to the link Michele provided below. So, I'd refer to that. No need to add more lengthy responses when some of those ones said it so well.

But just a few thoughts--Our son is now 12, almost 13. He was 11 at the above posting. We're all pretty used to having just the one child. We continue to have plenty of play dates at our house or elsewhere to provide lots of time for connection with other kids and other combinations.

Our son has shared his own thoughts about being an only. He used to lament the fact that he had no siblings or that we were older (okay, so he still gripes about the older part sometimes : P ) One thing he loves about being an only is that he has both of us to himself. He doesn't have siblings to argue with or who are "jerks like some of [his] friend's brothers or sisters". We can go somewhere and he has our full attention (when we're at our best). We can also afford to go to more events, dinners out, etc. (although I don't think that in itself should be a deciding factor.)

On the flip side, he also gets attention from both of us, good or bad, when he'd rather not have it. There's no one else to take the heat when he's in trouble for something, when we're in the interminable teaching-about-life-lessons mode, or if we're in a rant. At those times, being an only child has its drawbacks. : P

But, in general, I think he likes the closeness he has with us. There's no doubt that sometimes he is lonely, but a little bit of that can give you time to think and get a little perspective on life, too. So, there are even positives to that.

If you think you want two, I would go for it sooner than later. It's nice when they're closer in age. If you think adoption is a possibility, here's a link to a prior discussion on Mamasource about adoption. http://www.mamasource.com/request/1516945589537931265

And here is the link again to Michele's discussion about "to only or not"
http://www.mamasource.com/request/184589840430399489

Good luck in your decision. Trust your gut. If you're a spiritual person, ask God for guidance. And remember that whatever happens will be your experience.

Two years ago, my husband and I were exactly where you are now, and I posted almost the exact same question. I got the most awesome responses from people. Here is the link to the question and the 48 answers because reading through them will surely help you with this decision: http://www.mamasource.com/request/184589840430399489
In the end, we decided on one. He is almost 3.5 and I still question whether it was the right decision, but the reasons to not have 2 greatly outweighed, for us, the reasons to have 2. In the end, I really had to search my soul to figure out if I really even wanted 2, and I didn't. I get happier with that decision everyday. In the end, I believe there are many reasons to have a second or not to, but you have to go with what feels right for you. You can make your child's life full and happy either way.

I think if you are not 100% sure you should wait until you are really sure either way. For me, I had one and was not ready to even think of having another until my daughter was 2 and a half. Having another child is a life long commitment you need to be sure you want to take on. YOu daughter will be fine if you only choose to have one. Just wait and see. You don't have to make any decisions immediately.

Hi N. - I'm the proud mother of an only daughter, Olivia, age 10. While the plan was to have more children, for many reasons it didn't turn out that way (not infertility, but more lifestyle and marriage related). Honestly, I can not imagine it being any other way. There are many, many blessings of having one child - more time to spend with them, more financial stability, a very close bond with them, an overall simpler lifestyle. Our daughter is perfectly well-adjusted and happy with her status as as an only. Contrary to popular belief, all only children are not spoiled, lonely or unable to share. Any child, no matter how many siblings they have, can end up spoiled and lonely.

While I think with the economy and the entire world trying to simplify, only children are becoming more common, you will most definitely run into people as your daughter gets older who simply can not stop themselves from giving you "advice" on how you're doing an injustice to your child by 'not giving them a sibling'. Don't listen to them. I have heard it from family, friends and even strangers (like a clerk at Filene's Basement!) If the only reason you'd have another child is to give your daughter a sibling, that's not reason enough. You will know when your family is complete and if you're satisfied with the way things are then you should go with that!

You might find it helpful to visit the ivillage "Raising and Only Child" board. I have been part of that wonderful community of ladies for 8 years now and they have been a great support.

Best of luck to you and your family,and please feel free to email me if you want to chat more.

S.

Hi N.,
I am not writing because I have any advice but as a mother of an only child facing the same decision to make. We too are unsure about having another child for several reasons. We thank God we have a happy and healthy boy and not sure we want to push our luck. Another issue for us is the expense of daycare. Just wanted to put that out there as you are not alone. I thought after we had made the decision to have one, which of course we did not take lightly, the rest would just fall into place. And now our son is 19 months and we are back in the same boat. It is a difficult decision. But I will say this, I love the individulal time and energy I can focus on my son as an only child. I feel that with him being an only child, we will be able to provide him (not spoil) with everything we want to give him.

hi N.,
I grew up as an only child but actually have 2 bros & 1 sister ( they were just all out of trhe house before I came along. My best friend across the street was my "sister" & till this day I am much closer to her then my real sister. My husband & I wanted 2 . then we had Logan & decided 1 is fine. He will have lots of freinds & make his own extended family with his friendships( like I did). Of course as i right this I am a week late so you know aht tha=ey say about the best laid plans. If you are unsure of what you want why not just leave it in God's hands. If you are ment to have another it will happen & you won't be stressing over it. If you don't you already have a beautiful daughter who will be just fine. One of my reasons for just wanting one was the fact that life is so expensive that I want to bea ble to give my son the advantage of going to camps, schools & other adventures & if I have more then one It will limit what I can do for him. But like I said it is in god's hands now. Auugg I hate waiting.

Hi there,
my husband was an only child and it played a big role in our family planning. He really only wanted one child. The one big reason that made it turn around for him (we now have 2 kids) was that the only child carries a lonely load caring for aging parents.
But I always had to agree with a few of his arguments:
1. there is no guarantee that two or more kids like each other or play with each other
2. there is no guarantee that you as an aging parent will be close to your children (my brother does not have a close relationship to my parents or myself)
3. it is a financial burden
4. he wanted to be happy with what he had, and did not want to risk having a baby/kid with health issues

On the other hand I have a few friends with only one child, and they seem to do fine. The kids are friendly, outgoing, in general very conversational - they are just fine. The parents have a lot more freedom, money to spend and energy for the kid. It really depends on what your outlook is on parenting. I would think that as a parent you are more needed if you have only one child, since there isn't the sibling to fall back to. But that is just fine with some parents.

Good luck! H.

My husband was an only child and loved it. He is extremely independent and capable. Always had lots of friends around the neighborhood so he was not always relying on his parents to keep him occupied. We had agreed to have only one for our family because he had such possitive memories of being an only child. I am one of 7 girls (5 now) an this one does not get along with that one and so on and so forth.

After three miscarages (triplets, twins and triplets)and going through infertility testing to see why I was losing the babies in the middle of the second trimester,we ended up having twins....being a twin myself, I am very happy with the outcome and my husband is a great father, but glad to stop with the two.

Best of luck wih your little one. Try not to do every thing for her so she will learn to make goals and achieve them...and build her confidence in herself.

My youngest sister (also born a twin but her twin did not make it) was raised as an only child as she was 15 years younger than the next sibling...we were all out of the house by the time she was old enough to remember things. My mother did everything.....seriously. As a result my littlest sister has very little self value. My parents never taught her to do basic housework...she never did chores. She never helped learn to keep the yard up or garden, cut firewood, sew, cook, fish or anything except plunk herself on the couch. She never baby sat or did odd jobs to make money as my parents bought her everything. Paid for everything. You might think I would be gealous since she got alot more things than the 4 of us that grew up together....But I feel sorry for her. We were taught how to do the little things it takes to live...because both parents worked and we all had to pitch in to keep the ball rolling. But we know we can do almost anything we set our minds to....and are not afraid to try. I am an Architect, my twin is an Electrical Engineer, my older sister is a Civil Engineer and my other sister is in Early Education.

My youngest sister works at BJ's and has no dreams for anything beyond a job.....at least she has that and it has started to give her some self worth because she has figured out if you try your best....and do something well...it feels good.

So sorry about the on and on of this but I thought both sides might be useful.