Advice Needed on a Bad Marriage

I have read a lot of the responses you received to this message, and, like society, it seems so many people are so quick to jump to divorce. But when you got married, you both made "vows", which included, I'm sure, "for better or worse." They put that in there for a reason. It's because there is always a "worse." No successful marriage ever goes for decades without any rough spots. What makes a marriage work is simply each person's willingness to see it through those rough spots and do what it takes to make it work. Counceling is a good idea. The Focus on the Family Marriage Retreat mentioned in one of your responses is a GREAT idea! People say that it's better for the child if you separate. But the question is, "better than what?" Divorce may be better for the child if the marriage is abusive, or if both parents have spent a long period of time exploring and exhausting ALL options to make it work and still can't get along. But divorce is never better than a happy home with BOTH parents. You have been married less than a year, and the first year is always the hardest. Your husband is willing to make an effort. Please, for the sake of your child, yourself, your marriage, and your future, just try. Think back to when you and your husband first fell in love, and of all the reasons that you fell in love with him. There was something there for you to stick with him for 4 years before the marriage. You can make this work if you are both willing. Just give it a try.

1 mom found this helpful

Hi J.! I am so sorry to hear about your struggles. I understand your situation so much! My husband and I were only dating 8 mo. before I became pregnant, moved in together, and then married last year when he was one. My husband and I are having the same situations you are with your husband where you have so much fun one minute and really dislike the person the next -- you cram so many life changes into such a short time span without thinking clearly "Is this really what I want", "Are we doing this for the right reasons".

I probably have no room to talk as we have not taken this route ourselves (although I would like to), but I strongly recommed counseling, even if the path this eventually takes you on is divorce at least maybe it can make it more amicable so that your daugther doesn't experience any stress from the changes (trust me at 18 mo. she knows/senses it more than you know). I also recommend counseling because when there is a separation/divorce situation and there are children involved family courts like to see parents reconsile. Why not try it on your own first before being forced to do it. I also stronly believe that you stay in Lexington if you pursue a separation. Please do not add any more changes and stresses on your daughter. If at that time where you both know there is no chance at a reconsilation then move home, but know with a distance between you it can make things harder with visitation, etc. Please talk to a local pastor to see if there is anyone they would recommend for marital counseling.

1 mom found this helpful

Your story sounds very similar to mine. Counseling saved my marriage...and my family!!!! I wasnt willing, but I went anyway. I kept going until my walls let down, and started taking the advice of the counselor. I also couldnt stand my husband, wanted out, with two little girls. We now are still married and I couldnt imagine my life without him! Our marriage is the best it has ever been (counseling was 4 yrs. ago)our relationship is the best it has ever been! (We also started going to church and getting involved) PLEASE, for the sake of your little girl, go to counseling with an open mind and follow her suggestions!!! See where it takes your marriage!!! You may be grateful you did!! (like me!!) What could it hurt!?!??

1 mom found this helpful

J.,
I'm so sorry to hear of your trouble. You've received a lot of good advice, but none concerning what I want to advise you about.

Your husband is becoming an attorney. That means you need to get smart about the divorce BEFORE it happens.
The fact is, nowadays we are dealing with a MUCH different generation of men. Their mothers worked, and grew up in the 70s and 80s when gender roles were stretched and questioned for the first time. Because of this perhaps, many men of today will not hesitate to try to gain primary custody of the child(ren) when going through a divorce. Fathers' rights groups are counseling these men, and telling them to to WHATEVER it takes, by ANY means necessary to gain temporary custody of the children, because it almost always means PERMANENT custody of the children.

Unlike NCMs of past generations, todays NCMs are MOSTLY law abiding citizens with no criminal history, and are good Moms. They never saw it coming.
I am involved in several support groups for these women, and most of their stories contain common threads:

1- The father is intelligent and informed, with a grasp of family law, and/or connections within the law community.

2- The father has an extended family support system including a mother who will help him care for the children.

3- a financial incentive for keeping custody of the children. Instead of paying what he considers outrageous child support and spousal support, he could relax and have the mother pay HIM child support. Many men will go to great lengths to avoid paying child support, which for a professional male compared to a SAHM with no income, could be thousands of dollars a month.

4- Lacking or limited respect for the mother/child bond. Some guys just don't have a problem separating their child from her mother and devastating the mother of his child.

These are only a few of the factors that influence today's custody battles, but the statistics are staggering. Today, if a man fights his wife for custody of the children he stands a very good chance of winning.

The MODE of HOW the man gains custody also seems to be very similar from case to case:

1- Often the first move the man makes is to try and keep possession of the marital home, where the kids were raised until that point, pleading with the wife not to sell it and force her children to leave the only home they've ever known, and reasoning with her that HE can afford to make the payments while SHE cannot. Trying to do what is best for her kids, many Moms agree to this TEMPORARILY to mitigate the emotional damage to the children during the divorce, with the intentions of setting up a permanent home for herself and them in the coming months, only to later find out that her Ex had then already filed an Ex Parte' motion and gained temporary sole custody of the children.

2- Many newly divorced women are financially devastated, either because their Ex ran up debt that they are now also responsible for, or through lack of income/support for her new life as a single Mom. Seeming to offer a helping hand, the Father and/or HIS parents, offer to take the children TEMPORARILY so that the Mom can find a job, work extra hours, save money, pay off bills, ect. By the time she gets on her feet and comes back for her kids, it is often too late... the motion for custody has been granted to her Ex and she is then ordered to PAY child support TO HIM, which then backs her further into a financial corner.
Because women are paid less than men and earn less on average, the burden of paying child support is much harder on them. Making their OWN way is also harder... everything from shoes, underwear, clothes, haircuts, toiletries, ect. are MORE expensive for women. Once under the court order to PAY child support, most NCMs simply can't afford good legal representation, and can never get ahead enough to fight a subsequent custody battle to try and get her kids back.

J., DON'T let this happen to you! No matter WHAT... keep your child at your side. DO NOT relinquish physical custody for even ONE night BEFORE you have been granted temporary custody of your child, AND a visitation and child support order has been entered and FILED with the court.
Remember, NONE of the thousands of NCMs who lost their kids against their will saw it coming..... they were GOOD Moms who were GOOD law abiding citizens, but thought that just because they had carried and given birth to their baby, that noone would take their child away....

The emotional damage of losing cusotdy of their child is MUCH more devastating to women than it is for men. The social stigma makes it hard to reach out for help IRL, because most people still assume that to lose custody, the Mom had to "do" somehting to warrant it. The bone wrenching grief that these women suffer is horrible to watch.. they cry every day and live in misery, suffer from severe depression, which further damages their ability to gain and hold down full time employment.

I don't mean to scare you J... but be warned. This guy has his nose in a law book and people telling him that it CAN be done.. that it's very possible that he could get out of this with his daughter in HIS arms....
Just know that it is happening nowadays. Good Moms can and ARE losing custody of their children in staggering numbers.

1 mom found this helpful

J.,
My name is A.. I understand where you are coming from. My husband and I have only been married for 6 months, and we have been having the same problems. We had only been dating for 10 months when we found out we were pregnant. We were already engaged at the time, and decided to wait until after he was born to get married. Long story short after about 3 months of married life, he said he hated it. We did alot of talking, and we each go to a counselor to vent about the other every month. After we vent, we always sit down, and discuss everything civily. The first year is the hardest. Especially the first year with a baby to. My advice is to try the therapy, don't just give up. I did that in my first marraige, and I feel like I let myself down. Think about how you would feel without eachother, and take the iniative to do something romantic for him. Sometimes it just takes a little step to get the ball rolling. Try to remember why you fell in love in the first place, and bring yourselves back to that. If you want to talk some more email me at ____@____.com husband and I make it a point to act like big kids for at least a few hours every weekend. WE have pillow fights, and pretend to pitch baseball games just to stretch our minds and hearts. You could try doing that. Good luck!
A.

1 mom found this helpful

Dear J.,
I am an older mom of four and married for 36 years. Marriage is hard work and you can do it, especially since both of you are willing to work at it. I have given this material on this website many times, but here it is one more time. There is a great conference the last weekend of this month in Ft. Wayne, IN. Men want badly to be respected and that is unheard of in our society of putting people down all the time. Women want to be loved and cared for, also a struggle in this age of the "liberated woman". Consider attending the conference on "Love and REspect" sponsored by Focus on the Family. This couple present the material in an entertaining and easy to understand format. You will enjoy this conference and might be just the thing to turn things around for you. The most important thing you and your spouse can do for your little girl is remain married and love one another. Focus on the Family is sponsoring the Love and Respect Marriage Conference in Fort Wayne, Indiana, September 29-30.
I pray God will restore your marriage.
God Bless,
M. J.

Dr. Emerson and Sarah Eggerichs present the Love and Respect Marriage Conference, a dynamic, high-energy, practical seminar designed to help even the most troubled marriages obey the command of Ephesians 5:33, "... each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself and the wife must respect her husband."

Who: Dr. Emerson and Sarah Eggerichs
What: Love and Respect Marriage Conference
When: September 29-30, 2006
Venue: Blackhawk Ministries
Where: 7400 E State Blvd
Fort Wayne, IN 46815
Cost: $70/Couple, $35/Single
Contact: ###-###-#### ext 222

Visit MapQuest for directions to this event.

We've All Been There...
Men: Your wife cries, saying she's too overweight for the 6th zillionth time, so when you see that great new biblical diet plan at the bookstore you think, "Cool! Just what the doctor ordered." She'll see how much you love her with this thoughtful gift. Not quite! Unfortunately, her reaction is not what you expected.

Ladies: You've felt it too. You're looking forward to getting away for the day with your husband, who's got some secret fun planned for just the two of you! Then it turns out to be a day at his favorite fishing hole, you're disappointed—he's angry. What was supposed to be a time of closeness leaves you feeling as though you're just his fishing buddy.

But there's good news! You can crack the communication code and end the crazy cycle and the simple, biblical message presented by the Eggerichs will show you how.

You see, without love she reacts without respect, and without respect he reacts without love—the crazy cycle! Her pink ears long to hear love; his blue ears yearn to hear respect. Neither is wrong: we're just wired differently, and understanding those differences—and more importantly, how to overcome them—makes all the difference.

Sponsored by Focus on the Family, a name you've trusted for advice and encouragement, the Love and Respect Marriage Conference will be a weekend you remember as the time you chose to learn simple ways to show unconditional love and respect to one another—and set—or reset—your marriage on a firm biblical foundation.

Register online today at Blackhawk Ministries, or by calling ###-###-#### ext 222 for more details.

Featured Speakers:

Dr. Emerson and Sarah Eggerichs

Excited and burdened about male and female communication, Dr. Eggerichs launched the Love and Respect Marriage Conferences in August 1999 to serve husbands and wives. He received a B.A. in Biblical Studies and a M.A. in Communications from Wheaton College and Graduate School, a Master in Divinity from Dubuque Seminary and a Ph.D. from Michigan State University in Child and Family Ecology.

Emerson and his wife Sarah have 3 adult children: Jonathan, David and Joy.

Featured Resources:

Love and Respect
by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs (Hardback)

If you read one marriage book this year, make it this one! This is a must-read for wives and for husbands. Learn the key to communication that every couple seeks, yet few ever find: unconditional love must be joined by unconditional respect.

Suggested Donation: $22 US
Request this resource

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Love and Respect Workbook
by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs (Paperback)

Today you and your mate can start fresh with the dynamic, interactive guidance from Dr. Eggerichs. This workbook is a tool to coach couples through the process to create their personal plan for success using Dr. Eggerich's tried-and-true principles and application tips to grow their marriage.

Great for couples and small groups!

Suggested Donation: $14 US
Request this resource

© 2006, Focus on the Family. All Rights Reserved.

Focus on the Family
Colorado Springs, CO 80995
1-800-A-FAMILY ###-###-####)

Source Code: YF06H6INE

1 mom found this helpful

Once divorce is on the table as a viable option, it is hard to take it back off. You use pretty strong language when you say you hate each other. Sounds to me like you need to make the break. It is not good for your daughter to stay with her dad if you don't get along. In the long-run it will be better to leave now than to raise your child in an unhappy family. Good luck!

I know that all couples go through bad times as well as good. My suggestion is to sit sown with your hubby and each make a pro/con list about what you like and do not like about the marriage and each other. Then you need to go down the lists together and discuss them calmly and rationally. Marriage cousling will exxentially do the same thing for you. A counsler will tell you to discuss what you like and do not like about each other and rthe relationship. If the two of you can;t talk to each other,than there is not a relationship to have. You were together for a reason, maybe you and he have lost sight of the reason and need to find it again. I wish you the best and hope is all works out well for all involoved.

Hi J.,

I was in a relationship for 7 years when we decided to get married because it was the right thing to do. After 2 years of marriage I finally made the really difficult decision to ask for a divorce. It was the best decision I have ever made in my life. We now get along much better and are both in new relationships. I now know that staying together is not always the right thing to do. The kids also feel the tension and it is so much better for them now mom and dad both are happy.
I do know how hard this situation is and that no matter what you decide you have a tough road in front of you.
I wish you good luck and much strenght.

J.,

I don't know you and I don't know your situation, but I really pray you and your husband can make it work. I was divorced when my sons were 4 years old and 5 months old. (I tried everything to make it work, but he had another woman and ended up marrying her.) I remarried the next year to a wonderful man and we have had a stable family for 14 years. I didn't fight with my ex-husband. We were better business partners in raising the kids than we were a married couple. However, both my boys are scarred. My oldest suffers with depression and anxiety and has horrible panic attacks. My younger son had problems at school, has a truancy officer, and I think he smokes. These are all things we never dreamed would happen in our Christian family. (My younger son is now homeschooled and doing much better, but he is still hurting from his father's rejection.)

I don't know if you are Christians. Forgive me and disregard if you aren't and this talk offends you, but before you give up on your marriage, try it God's way. Read "The Excellent Wife", "The Politically Incorrect Wife", or "Me? Obey Him?" Put emphasis on your femininity and his masculinity and become more aware of the differences in you. That is where true romance begins. Let him lead your family and practice being submissive to him. I know this is not popular in today's world, but it is the way God wired us to be happiest. Believe me, it saved my second marriage years ago and it has saved many more. Even if you're not Christians, God's plan can work for your marriage simply because of the way we're wired. You might want to read "The Surrendered Wife" or "Fascinating Womanhood". Though I don't agree with everything in them, there is some good advice to be found there.

I will pray for your family. If you'd like, you can email me at ____@____.com.

Blessings,
K.

If he is willing to try counseling then I would go for it. There was something there that kept you guys together for 4 years before you got married, and now after marriage something about that relationship has changed. It could be more responsibility, it could be anything. Marriage is very sacred and you should do everything before pursuing divorce. It might be good for you two to separate as far as living in the same household and get to know each other again outside of the day to day. Go on dates, make plans to see each other, do special things for each other again. I say try to make it work, if you both try and there is nothing left then you may have to throw in the rug. And it will be up to you whether you want to leave or remain. you might also want to start looking for a part time job, just something you can have some income of your own. That way if you two do decide to separate you can help support you and your baby. I wish you the best.

Hi J..
I am sorry to hear about your troubles. I am truly the last person to give you advice on this since I am in a very similar situation. The only advice that I feel that I can give is counseling. If you both truly want to get counseling, then it seems that both of you aren't ready to throw in the towel.
I really hope something works out for you.
Good Luck.
N.

Dear J.,

I wanted to respond to your post relating to your marriage. First of all you are not alone and I am pretty much going thru the same thing. My husband and I have been together about 7 yrs, part of which we have been married. I have been in extensive counceling for myself, but he always refuses to go. I think he is finally going to, but not totally convinced. I know that many people don't believe in going to therapy or marriage counseling, but my theory is....if you have children then you should make every effort like counseling, etc to know that you tried everything to make it work. If it does not work out then in the end you could say "I tried". I am in the middle of a seperation and I just retained an attorny.
I can be reached at ____@____.com so we can talk if you want.

Oh, J., please know that I will pray for you and your husband. I can tell you that although I have been married for nearly 6 years, there have been many of time that I have wanted to quit, give up, kiss it goodbye. Especially since the birth of our son. However, we have made it through by open and, most importantly, honest communication. But it sounds like your situation is much, much different from ours. Try the counseling, but know that if you can't make it work and if you can't get beyond the affair, know that you gave it your all and that it is okay. I have worked around children before and your daughter will know more than you think, even at her age. I never recommend staying together because of children. They know there is something wrong and they will start to act out. Please feel free to email me if you need someone to talk to.

I really can't tell you about your specific situation but I will say that my husband and I dated for three years before getting married and our first year of actual marriage was very difficult and we fought a lot. We have now been married four years and I don't think we have had a true "fight" in over a year. Marriage is hard at first and it takes effort on both sides. I think a lot of people give up too easily and divorce is way to accepted these days. I am not against divorce completely though, I just think that a lot of things that people don't work out could be worked out. Bottom line is if deep down, under the hurt, you both still love each other. If you do, it will work out over time. Hope this helps. I just know that our first year was very hard and we had many many fights. Take Care and wish you the best.
Angie

J. email me ____@____.com I would love to talk with you about this.

Hi, I am brand new at this but your topic hits home for me. I was involved in a very emotionally abusive relationship which eventually turned physical with my oldest daughters father. The more you dislike your partner the worse it's gonna get for both of you...unless of course you are both willing to go to counseling. If you would rather do it from home there is a video out called "The Secrets To A Great Relationship" by Ellen Kreidman Ph.D. I have heard great things about it from friends. Just remember, from personal experience; your child will never be happy if they see you sad and down all the time. If you know this is how it's gonna be no matter what you do or dont do, you need to do what's best for you. There is always visitation :) I have been through hell for the last 3 years dealing with my ex and his issues. But i'll tell you what, I am happier going through hell and back then being with him. Do what your heart tells you, you will be fine.

If he is willing to try counciling then perhaps that would be the best thing ot first, believe me i know what you are going through. However, if its not working then its not working and its better to get out now with your pride and sanity then wait until you are drug down. as for moving home, i don't see why you couldn't stay in louisville if you wanted to.

T.

After reading your post I almost fell over. I could have written this. The only difference with me is that my husband never told me that he was unhappy. He just decided two day before my birthday that he wanted to move out...that he didn't feel connected...and that I am always too busy to pay attention to him. I am 25, he is 24 and we have a 2 year old little boy. His emotional affair was with a 19 year old college girl (that he worked with over the summer) and he would spend hours on the phone with her in front of me. Anyway, my point is that you are NOT alone. If you need someone to talk to, my e-mail is ____@____.com.

I am a divorced single mom. I was divorced by the age of 27 and have 3 girls to care for. If you are both willing to go to counceling then that would be a good idea. Divorce is hard, but sometimes marraige can be harder. If you are both willing to work it out then do it. Try and remember why you fell in love.

I have to tell you about a book that saved our marriage. It's called "Love and Respect" by Emerson Eggerichs. It has some very hard hitting truth in it, and it helped me realize how much I was hurting my husband by not giving him unconditional respect. Just as we women need unconditional love, men are hardwired to need respect. Our whole culture denegrates men and makes them feel worthless. If we as their wives are constantly focused on their shortcomings and are always trying to fix them, they deeply resent it and it builds a horrible wall of isolation. The book also deals with men and their need to love us, but I was so shocked to learn about my husband's need for respect. I can tell you from expereince that after making a renewed effort to shoe him respect all the time, even when I don't feel like it (respect is as much a choiuce as love...), it has transformed our marriage and his response to me. Please consider getting that book and reading it. i promise it will change your marriage for the better.

if you got married because you were pregnant then the chances of your marriage working out is slim to none. By working out, I mean you both being happy with the marriage and no one having any affairs.....emotional or physical. I do not think there is a marriage in the world where both people are happy all of the time. It would be fake.
If you got married because you loved one another and wanted to spend the rest of your lives together and just happened to be pregnant then your marriage has a chance. you have not been married very long and leaving without trying this soon might be something that you would come to regret later. If there is a chance that you want to work things out and it seems that you do, try everything under the sun...but do not let go of who you are. do not put up with emotional affairs....it IS CHEATING!!! but do go to counseling...alone or with your guy....if you feel it will help.
good luck with all...email me if you need anything.

I think that you have received some great responses. PLEASE FIND A JOB so that you can be financially independent. If he leaves you do not want to be stuck without a job and without a support system. I would also arrange an alternate living situation. Unfortunatly, I know 5 people who's husbands left the marriage and the wife (ex)is left with the baby, no income, and no where to turn. Do not let yourself fall into this category. I know that you enjoy staying at home with your daughter but she needs you to be her support when your marriage does not work out. I will pray for you and I really do hope that your marriage becomes a solid foundation in which to raise your daughter.

Hi J., hang in there until your mind is clear about what you will end up doing with your marriage. In the meantime you might want to start looking for a job or for an affordable (for your husband) rent in your hometown where you have the most safety net, if you decide not to work (although I recommend you to be independent financially).
So sorry that it's going so bad..you are not the first, nor the last woman to split so soon after being married...sometimes it's just not right and you have to think about the environment your little girl will grow up in.
Good luck with everything,
S.

I dated my husband for 7 months before I got pregnant and we got married right away. I moved in with him and then started finding out he was a pathalogical liar. The home I thought he owned belonged to his mother. All the money in the bank didn't exist. And he had an eleven year old daughter he never even bothered to mention. That is just a few of the lies, but you get the point. My daughter is 7 months old now, and we have been gone for 4 months. He rarely calls, hasn't given me any money for her and only sees her when its convenient for him. She doesnt even know who he is. And even though I am going through all of that with him I am just so happy to be away from him. My daughter and I moved in with my grandmother and I get to spend every day with her. Seeing her smile makes me so happy, and I know I did the best thing for the both of us. I never wanted to be divorced, but sometimes life has other plans for you----hopefully better plans.

I am so sorry to hear that things are going rough. I know the first year my husband and I lived together was horrible, trying to get used to living together and being from totally different backgrounds. His parents never argued in front of their children while my mom had been single until I entered fifth grade then she was physically and mentally abused by my stepdad. Extreme opposite ends but we started with a list then narrowed it down to what we could really drop and what we really could not tolerate stayed. We also had our oldest son, there came more extreme ends of beliefs. We worked it out and are happily married for 7 years and have 5 children. But also seeing my mom suffer all those years takes a toll on a child, I sometimes feel like I have had enough arguments to last a lifetime, by which my husband suffers because he can't get things off his chest sometimes. Just pray about it and in your heart you'll know the answer of wether you should continue to try or if everything is over. I wish you the best! Good Luck!