Advice from Other Attachment Parenting Moms

Hi!

I just joined MamaSource and I love it. Thanks to everyone who posts!

Your request is EXACTLY where I am right now except my two will be turning three next month. He still nurses to sleep. I have talked to him about giving up nursing and he thinks it's a very funny conversation. I'm going to watch your responses.

Please know that I think it's so incredibly natural for children to nurse until 4/5. I have several friends who were/are very successful long term nursing mothers and their kids are wonderful and beautiful and it wasn't much extra effort to keep nursing. I am going to continue nursing my son until I find an easy gentle way to wean because I'm definitely almost ready to stop. My first son nursed up until three months before his third birthday and one day just said he was done.

All the best to you!!! It always makes me feel so good to see extended nursing Moms. :)

Hi :o) I currently cosleep with my youngest 18 month old son who still nurses during the night. I have two older sons 5 & 7 who sleep in their own room and fall asleep on their own (after 5-10 minutes of cuddling after story time for the 5 year old). You mention that "we" sleep in her bed. Is that you and your daughter or you, your daughter and your husband? With my first, I weaned him at 20 months and his last feeding to give up was the one at 3am. With my second I night weaned him at 13months. With both, we accomplished this by my husband getting up with them and comforting them for 3-5 nights. This was when they weren't teething or sick or extra needy. They slept in our bed so we were all there already and during this process, my husband just took over the night parenting. With me trying to do it- it was too ridiculous with the breasts right there. You could almost see my son's thought process of "But they're right there. I see them, you see them. Why can't I nurse???" I found that I could talk to them about it but at 3am no one was concerned about logical discussions. For us after the night weaning, they did not wake up as much during the night and when they did could be cuddled back down by me. We then got our first some special sheets for his toddler bed and the transition went pretty smoothly a few months later. (With our second, we weren't in such a rush and he stayed in our bed until he was 4. But that was just where we were. I'm not sure when we'll move out the youngest.) I just wanted to add that mothering.com is a great website for attachment parenting discussion and advice!

Hi S.,
It's nice to hear from other attachment parenting people. My daughter also needs me to sleep with her, at least to get her comfortably asleep, then I can leave the room. She's now 6 years old, and we have a one and half year old son who now goes to bed with her, so they keep each other company. When she was your daughter's age, I would lie down with her at night, do the whole bedtime ritual, and then half the time fall asleep as she fell asleep. Then I'd stumble back to my room for the rest of the night. I gave her a sippy cup of water in case she woke in the night and was thirsty, or more likely, wanted something to comfort her. Sometimes she would come to our room and climb in bed with us, but most of the time she would sleep through the night by herself. So basically, you may get her to sleep alone longer or more often, but she will probably want you to be with her at least while she nods off, and you may need to reassure her often when she wakes up alone. If she has a security object, that may help her feel comfortable even when she wakes by herself at night. Hope this helps, and good luck,

I have a daughter who was not a great sleeper through that age. You will get lots of advice and sort through it to find what works best for you. I suggest that you stop nursing her pretty quickly. Do it over the course of a week. Stop nursing at naps first and thens stop nursing at night. Don't worry about working on the sleeping just yet. Focus on the weaning over the next week. You will likely be surprised how quickly she will adjust. For me, we found as soon as we weaned her, she started sleeping better (not completely through the night immediately) but she would wake up twice a night, then just once a night and now not at all. I really think the nursing had a lot to do with it for whatever reason.

I don't like the cry it out method either. I nursed my son for a year and he sleeps in our bed. I weaned him just after his 1st birthday. At that time, he was waking up every 2 hours wanting to comfort nurse and I was exhausted because I work full-time. It may be a little different because your daughter is older, but basically I just cut him off. When he woke up and wanted to nurse, I said no and gave him a sippy cup with milk and I cuddled him. He wimpered at first, but seemed to accept it pretty easily. I didn't have any problems thereafter. I think he and I were both ready to quit nursing. At 2, your daughter can understand a lot more than a 1 year old, so I would talk to her about it and give her advance notice of what is going to happen. You might be surprised that she is willing to adapt quickly.

your daughter seems really ahead of the game intelligence wise. at her age you should give her simple choices. let her chose between a glass of water or milk (cow's) before bed, then which book/story, then potty and brush teeth. next praise her for her new big girl nite time routine. tell her she is a big girl now and will be sleeping on her own. then get her excited by letting her chose to sleep in her bed or a "pretend sleep over with her dolls" on the floor. make her a pallet. this will make it a fun experience and she won't feel alone because of her toys. just a suggestion. it's what i would do. then just repetition when she comes knocking on your bedroom door at 11,1,and 3. good luck

It has been a long time since I was the mom of little ones but I am not a big proponent of sleeping in a child's bed. It is too small, and the adult body is not made for that bed :) However, my son and daughter would come and sleep in our big king sized bed for quite awhile and I just decided they would eventually want their own space. And they did, but I helped it along. I did have both a son and a daughter so I am sure that having a sibling helped somewhat but you might think of getting one of those big soft stuffed animal that is more like a pillow, you know a dog or cat or elephant, go with her to the store and see which one she seems to be drawn too. Tell her this is going to be her new sleeping buddy because she has become such a big girl that she needs to have her own bed and you need to sleep in your own bed. Make sure she has a night lite if she is nervous in the dark. Read a story to her and her new buddy and make it a fun and exciting time. Stick to it, and don't make yourself crazy about it. She is bright and is ready. As far as the nursing goes, cuddle with her but have her take her drinks from a cup and make it her special time. She will be fine and so will you. I hope all works well and it is an easy transition. Of course, if she needs a little extra time that is understandable but keep encouraging and keep it light, no drama, no sad farewells... Best of luck

S.,
First let me say, "Good for you!” I like the way you explained your situation and parenting style. My family chose to do the same thing, although I didn't have the support of my husband (but it all worked out in the end and we are more happily married today than during my daughter's earlier years. My daughter is 4 and has been successfully sleeping in her bed without me lying down with her for about a year now. It was a long process of getting her to that point. I was like you, I did not believe in the "crying it out" method, or the spending nights with others, etc. My daughter, like yours, is/was very verbal and intelligent for her age. We talked about what steps we were going to take and when. It was a very gradual transition. I actually think that she would have done just fine with moving a little faster, but I had attachment issues as well! :-) For you the first step will be to wean, then you will be able to focus your attention on the sleeping arrangement. It may be too much for your daughter to wean and to lose her comfort object (Mommy) at the same time. Also, try taking her to a store to buy a teddy bear or whatever she decides on, to get something for her to sleep with. The more a child has a say so in the transitional steps, the more successful you will be. I found with my daughter that I did a lot of the talking when she was 2, telling her how we were going to make changes, etc., but she didn't buy into the changes until she had some control over them. Finally, we decided that she would pick the time/date for her to start sleeping by herself and to be "a big girl". For a long time, from ages 2-2 1/2 we talked about making changes but never really did, it was always something, she would get sick and I would get back in the habit of sleeping with her throughout the night. Finally from 2 1/2-3 years of age, I started laying with her to go to sleep, but would then get up and go to my bedroom. My daughter was okay with that transition. During this time we did more talking about when she would start sleeping completely by herself. She said that she would after going to the fair in the fall. I also offered incentives for her once she had slept by herself for a certain length of time. We used a calendar to track her progress. I slipped a few times, especially on the weekends, which would send mixed signals to her. However, we finally made it!

The key is consistency on your part. Once you both decide how/when, then stick to the plan. You will be amazed by how well your daughter will do. Don't be too hard on yourself. I don't think that there is a magic number, like some methods suggest. You are the expert on your daughter, trust your instincts, and do what works for you both. You both will be fine and this precious time will pass by quicker than you realize, so enjoy it!

I don't know if this helps you. I wanted to offer hope. When I was trying to do the same, it seemed that I had a lot of external pressure to do it quickly and I had no support. Know that you are doing and have done the right thing for your daughter, no matter how the transition happens!

Best Wishes!

Hi S.,
I'm cheered to see all of the other moms out there who practice attachment parenting. :-) I just wanted to chime in with my support. I know it can feel a bit lonely when you parent in a way different from those around you.

I'm guessing you've checked with your local La Leche League group or similar groups for advice?

My daughter weaned herself while I was pregnant with my son, and I think he weaned himself (probably with some encouragement from me) by the time he was 24 mos or so. For the most part, though, their nursing seemed to get less and less frequent naturally until I would realize that we hadn't nursed in a day.....and so on. As I remember it, the transition to their own beds was easier once they weaned. I do remember thinking, "Will they still be in college and sleeping in my bed?" on those extra-exhausted nights, but for the most part, co-sleeping worked very well for us.

I know you will find what best works for you and your daughter. She will eventually crave that independence, and in the mean time, it sounds like you're doing great at balancing her needs and your own.

May the goddess of sleep bless you both with much needed rest.
(Typed at 3am - hmmmm.........wonder if co-sleeping leads to chronic insomnia, lol....but that's another post...)

I never nursed my child so I don't know what that bond feels like, But I do believe that you need to stop nursing and maybe substitute with a sippy cup of milk. I knew a mom who nurse up until age 4 and think thats way too old. When she wakes up at night you just have to let her cry it out, She is at the age where she doesn't need any nutrician at night. If she wakes up thirsty maybe give her a drink of water and tell her its night night time and she can have something when she wakes up in the morning. I made the mistake of giving my son milk everytime he woke up and he is 4 now it took this long to get him to stop, because I felt bad because he was not a good eater and I knew he was hungry so milk would fill him up. Anyway good luck. Peds nurse. Jennifer

I had do this with my oldest little girl. I got her to start sleeping by herself by distancing myself each night
the first night i sat beside herand did not lay down. The next night I sat further down the bed then in the floor then in the doorway then I tucked her in told her goodnight and cuddled for just a min. She fussed a little then went to sleep

I have a friend who nursed her son until he was 2 1/2 and then threw him a "big boy" party when he gave it up. He had some friends over, including my 2 kids, and had a cake. I know that helped with weaning (he hasn't nursed since) but he's still waaaay too attached to her and ends up in her bed most nights. My advice would be stop allowing her in your bed, period. My older daughter will be 4 next month, but she slept with us in bed until she was 18 months old. At that time I had had enough so we bought her a toddler bed and told her she had to stay in it until the sun came up and she does. On the rare occasion she wakes up at night, we go in to her room and pat her back for a minute, but we haven't even had to do that in a while. One thing she really likes is having her own Ariel flashlight to use for looking at books after dark. When we took her paci away in the fall we also had a party for a "big girl" and had cake, and it worked like a charm. She doesn't even care that her little sis has a paci, because pacis are for babies. Whatever you do, be consistent.

Since she is verbal, then start telling her a little but each day for a week that she is old enough to sleep by herself and you are proud of her and that you need rest so you can play with her the next day....just drop this into conversation for a week. Then the next week, read books about sleeping alone. Let that lead into discussion (it would be wonderful if this became her idea and she kicked you out!) about her sleeping alone. That big girls do that! Prepare her and describe how it will be. Let her draw pictures of you two in different beds--in other words live it out in words, story and picture before it happens. Build up to the big day with excitement and assuming you already have a routine in place for bedtime...(if not that must preface all I am saying) then go with the routine and go to bed. Leave on a light, give her something of yours (one of your night gowns sometimes works to cuddle even). Tell her the only rule is stay in her room. She can read in her bed or play with stuffed animals but she must stay in her room. It may be rocky at first but then also reward her in the morning--a star chart on her BR door with big cut out stars (different each day- wrapping paper, construction paper, magazine pages, foil, etc). Let me know how it goes...but take it slow and let her take the lead as much as possible.

By the age of 2, you can verbally talk with her and she understands you. Then I would just have a good heart to heart with her. Tell her, she is a big girl now and big girls don't nurse anymore. I would go out and buy her sippy cups or cups with straws that she really likes. I would point out to her the other kids in her school or cousins that they use big boy and big girl cups and just really reinforce the whole 'big girl" thing. It really seems to work with my son. But I do understand the whole "bond" thing. My son would not take a passy, bottle, no special blanket. He only wanted me, which I loved, but also extremely tied down. He was 2.5 before he ever spent the night away and now he is almost 4 and stayed away 3 times. The whole sleeping through the night thing is complete habit and with her being two now, it's going to be hard but the key is consistency. My son was 8 months old and was still waking up and would only nurse for 5 mins and he was back to sleep and I had a talk with his dr. and he said it was habit, that at by that age he should have been sleeping through night months ago. So, yes, I did let him cry it out but it only took a couple of nights, and then finally I was getting a good night sleep. Now I have 14 week old daughter and I fell in love with a book called, "On becoming Baby Wise". I am still nursing and she has been sleeping through the night for 2 weeks now.

Hello S., first let me say congrats on nursing so long.....two years was my goal too however an early 2nd pregnancy cut that short a few months. My daughter also slept with me until she was almost two, and when she was nursing also woke up multiple times at night to nurse. So, here are a few suggestions that helped me. First start slowly taking away the feedings when she wakes up at night. Simple explain that she can cuddle with mommy instead of nurse....then if she lets you snuggle her close and rub her back or head...what ever will comfort her. After you get her to stop waking up for the comforting, start trying to slip out of bed after she is good and asleep. Now this may sound a bit like you are abandoning her, but the idea is for her to wake up and realize mommy wasn't there, but she did it and she is ok. My daughter was in my bed, and after she was asleep I moved her and it only took like a week for her to be in her own bed. I still lay down with her to help her go to sleep. It isn't perfect though, whenever we have company that stays with us, or she doesn't feel good she will wake up at night and come to my room. But for the most part she is an independent sleeper. It took a lot of trial and error on my part too. If I tried something and it didn't seem right to me or her, I just tried to be creative and alter the action until it felt right. I spent about 6 mos of really trying to get her in her own bed before we had any real luck. You may also have small set backs too. My daughter was sleeping great after my son was born, but by the time he was a few weeks old she started having trouble again....I think though she was just too nosy and wanted to stay up to see what was going on.
So, anyway, keep it simple and slow and do one change at a time as long as you and your daughter are comfortable....Good luck
T.

goodmorning S., try music. when it is time for bed or a nap put the radio on jazz, light and soft, or even 70's & 80's r&b, etc.. this will divert her attention to something else. buy story cd's and tapes, they are talkative, try the relax sounds cd's or aroma music. anything in this area will put her mind at ease. GOOD LUCK!!!!!!! LOVING MOTHER OF 6

I did the same thing with my child but not for as long. I think working outside of the home made me feel a little guilty so I wanted to spend as much time with her as possible. I just cut her off with the nursing at night by offering her other things like a song, rocking her or big hugs. It was bad for about 5 days but she just accepted it and we moved on with what I called big girl stuff. I think we both started sleeping better once we seperated. She is 4 now and last night I snuck into her room for some snuggle time. She giggled at me and said your a big girl mommy what's wrong? I thought that was cute. Don't worry you will find other ways to stay close to your child.

I have a daughter that is 4 and we had a similar problem. I bought her a almost her size soft Dora the Explorer doll to sleep with. It has helped a great deal. She can hug her and not feel so alone in her bed. Recently we also bought her a hermit crab and his cage is on her book case near her bed. He would be very lonely without her to keep him company at night. He also guards her from any monsters and nightmares. She has a very large imagination. Hopefully you can find something that works for you and your child.

Yay, another attached parent! Are you in the south? We should keep in touch. We also practice "attachment parenting" and we're considered oddballs for it. My DS is almost 2 and we still cosleep most nights but he is weaned now. He now sleeps great, all night, I mean like 10 to 12 hours straight. And I'm proud to say he NEVER cried himself to sleep so all that garbage about how babies will never learn to sleep without crying is in fact garbage. But anyway. I have to refer you to kellymom.com. If you haven't already found it. It's the only site I've found that supports and encourages attachment parenting. Also check out the forum section where moms talk to each other, you'll get great advice there, from BTDT (been there, done that) moms.
Here's what worked for us. I weaned first from daytime nursing and night nursed for a lot longer. Then I gradually backed off the night nursing. I made this process slow and maybe since it took so long, it didn't seem to bother him. Then one night he didn't nurse at all. So the next night I rocked him instead of nursing him back to sleep. And that became the end for us.
We like cosleeping so we're not ready to stop it completely. But DS has a toddler bed in his room. We started with him napping in there during the day. And some nights we put him to bed in there and if he wakes, bring him in our bed. You can also put the mattress on the floor of your room and help baby transition to it.
Good luck to you!

Since she is so verbal, talk to her about what needs to happen, perhaps choose a date together & make a special day of it. For weening, cut her back to once a day, then cut the time she is allowed.

As for the co-sleeping, try putting a toddler bed in your room for a while if you don't want to go "cold turkey".

I think going in stages & talking about the accomplishments of growing up will help her. Perhaps there is a "big girl" privilege she can earn when she masters these new changes?

HAng in there - : )

it will actually be easier for you to get your daughter sleeping alone because you were in her bed instead of her in yours. this is how i did it: start trying to leave her bed after she is already asleep, if she wakes up, you explain that you are going to the living room, and leave if she is okay with that. if she is not you lay back down and try again latter. eventually she will let you leave after she is asleep, but it may take days or weeks. then you try to get her used to falling asleep while you sit on her floor, or in a chair next to the bed, and leave when she is asleep. you do this for as long as you feel you need to before moving on. then you move to her door way while she is falling asleep, then into the hall. then she should be falling asleep with out you. feel free to add as many in between steps as you and she are comfortable with. like going from next to the bed to next to the closet instead of the door way. it takes time, but all good parenting takes time and effort.

I am a mother of 3 who has nursed (and recently weened my youngest at 21 months) for one year plus. My first born girl was the most difficult to wean at 26 months...I dropped that last before bed feeding by replacing it with a YoBaby yogurt and then for about a month went upstairs twice during the night to pat and snuggle her, then lay her back down (while working full time). It took about 10 days, but I knew that she didn't need the nutrition and that she was seeking the comfort of nursing that I replaced with the softly voiced reassurance that it was bedtime and she was safe and loved. She is now six and we still have occassional bedtime battles, but she is capable of sleeping on her own. One would never imagine as an adult that sleeping would be so difficult!