Advice for 'Worried' Tween

Hi C.,
I too am sorry your daughter and your family had to go through that experience.

I have some experience with young children and trauma. 6 yrs ago, my husband died due to complications during an operation. My children were 6, 8 and 10 at the time. We went through the excessive worries with my oldest, then my middle and my youngest not only displayed worrisome issues but also headbanging and excessive crying... it began about a year after.
I was lucky that we were already seeing a grief counselor who gave us the name of a trauma specialist up in the Newton area.
After a few visits, my children's fears and behaviors were calmed.
It might be a good idea to take your child to a child counselor to help alievate this pattern she has developed.

L.

Has anyone inquired as to whether she has post-traumatic stress disorder? This can occur after a traumatic event like you mentioned and is characterized by extreme reactions to otherwise regular events. It might not be a bad idea for her to see a doctor about this. Is her seizure ordeal officially over or are there residual health concerns she may have in the future? And do a little research about PTSD on the internet for yourself. Best of luck to your whole family!

I think you should have her go talk to her doctor so they can maybe do an exam and explain what they are doing and/or just take her there to talk to them so they may answer her questions. Perhaps you could inform them ahead of time of her concerns so they are more prepared to help her with her issues.
-A.

Hi C.,
I have been in her shoes (and some days, they still fit quite nicely!) I have been dealing with anxiety issues for quite a while, and counseling has really helped me. The key is that she will need to work at changing her thought patterns and how she reacts to triggers like seeing scary stuff on TV. A counselor or therapist who specializes in CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) can help her do just that! I've been seeing a counselor for a year and a half, and am doing much better. Best of luck!

Hi C. - It sounds like post traumatic stress... Which is understandable. Seems some short-term therapy would do her a world of good. With that, she should be back to normal soon.

I would maybe bring her to a Psych doctor for an evaluation. She might have a mental illness or chemical imbalance. It could be anxiety, OCD. It may be nothing that's needs meds for but I would check into it myself.

I'm glad your daughter is doing okay physically but she went threw a very traumatic experience.
i'ld talk to her DR and see what is recomended and also see if her qworries are carryong over to school(if she seems anxious there that something will happen). With the new baby in the house she might be wanting some extra attention too.
Have you tried to make sure she doesn't see or hear the news? Maybe you can find good things that are happening and share them ith her. It's a tough age I think because they are aware that bad things happen and it's hard to think that they aren't going to happen to us.

Our 11-1/2-year-old son started worrying about his health after his grandfather died about 4 years ago. We had also lost my oldest brother the year before and a brother-in-law two years later. I began to hear more and more comments from our son which made me realize he had some real fears about his own health. He would get tearful and almost hyperventilate about it at times. And last year was the worst.

He knew the basics of what each person had died of, but he began to worry that he would do something that would cause his own early demise or health issue. So, we had some bedtime talks. (Bedtime is a great time for us to talk. He's relaxed and more receptive to thoughts to ponder at the end of the day.) The one talk that finally helped the most was me describing in more detail what caused the deaths and what could be done to improve the chances of not getting such diseases in us today.

He seemed to really calm down after that conversation. He has had lots of comfort with all of the losses, but I think he was to the point where he needed to understand more than anything.

Are there still medical questions that the tests did not answer? Is there a clear diagnosis or were the tests inconclusive? Of what is understood, does your daughter understand the basics? Those things may be weighing on her. Also, are things going okay for her at school and with friends?

I know our son's worries were more pronounced last year when he was stressing about some things in school. Those concerns seemed to whittle down his reserve for dealing with other concerns. And some of his old fears started to reappear. After the conversation that was informative along with consoling, we rarely hear such fears now.

Kids can stress about things we don't even imagine sometimes. I would try one or more cozy conversations with her, maybe even asking what her worst fears are. That might help illuminate if it is something you can handle on your own or not. You'll then have a better sense if you can be the helper, or if you need to go to a wider circle of school counselors or some individual or family therapy. It may be that family love and talk can be just the ticket, getting a layer deeper than currently, to help calm her fears and build a bond between you and her. But one way or another, you'll have a better sense of what is triggering her fears.

Best of luck!

Dear C.,
First off, I am a mother of two boys 14 and 16. I am sorry that you have to go through any of this. She does not deserve this either! Everyone seems to have the right advice for you. She should definitely talk to someone and get some help. But, in the meantime, I think I have something that may help her. I know that you may think I don't know what I am talking about, but let me tell you this. My family and I have been using this natural product for 2 years now, and we have seen people benefit from this product. I would not recommend something that I didn't believe in. It's not a cure, but why not try something that might help her. It is 100% all natural, and I think it would be better than trying to put her on any kind of prescription medications, especially with all of the side-effects! Too risky.

Anyway, please contact me if you would like to give it a try. You have nothing to lose! Trust me. I only want to help you and your daughter.

You are in our prayers,
S.

Dear Mamasource Mom,

While very upsetting to you and your whole family, try looking at this from another perspective. In reality, your daughter’s fears are valid—not only has she had a traumatic experience, but she’s encountered the “great truth”-- We all die someday. There’s nothing holding us back from “the void” so to speak, but God’s grace. Certainly there may be medical issues involved, like posttraumatic stress, but there are also spiritual needs being revealed. Take these seriously, too. That she is showing fear of death and serious illness shows she is growing up and struggling to understand more complex ideas. If it happened once, why not twice? What is this mystery "life" all about? What would have happened to her if she had died? Fear aside, dealing with the concept of death is all part of growing into a healthy adult.

However, our youth are also more exposed to this fear by the growing amount of violence in their schools and environment. Despite all the best efforts of parents to keep their children safe, bizarre things have happened at shopping centers and schools, places normally perceived to be very safe. In reality, all parents should be talking more with their children about these things to discover what they are taking in and what sorts of hidden fears might be bothering them. Remember also that in a world which perceives the "stranger" as something to be feared, children will feel less secure and confident about going out into such a scarey place. Now your daughter has seen just how scarey life can be, and it is affecting her on many different levels.

So, I would highly recommend you and your daughter talking to a priest/minister about this. [I am sure they will sit down with you even if you are not Christian or a member of the parish.] But, it would be best to talk with the person first to get a better feel for their personality and ability to talk to youth about such serious subjects. As anywhere, there are those who are better or worse handling complex questions and situations.

You might also first call the religious ed department and ask for a referral—because they should have a good sense of who deals best with youth and might know just the right person to help your daughter with issues of faith and the meaning of life. Another good place might be a monastery or religious house. This might seem somewhat scarey to you if you have not visited such a place before, but I find that those who have made a serious, lifelong commitment to religious life have had to really struggle with the big questions. Often they are able to handle “serious questions” with an ease and humour one might not find in your everyday parish. Simply being exposed to persons who often embody a sense of faith, hope and peace can be very soothing to a soul in a state of fear and unrest. My own encounters with religious houses during my 5+ years actively discerning a call to religious life have been nothing but positive. The main goal, however, would be for your daughter to be able to ask those difficult questions of someone about life/death to people who take such questions seriously.
[FYI--There is no pressure for one to become a priest/nun, by the way. For it is a challenging life, they only want those who are truly committed and yearning for God and able to make the longterm commitment. Otherwise they would be constantly spending time and money on people who abandon the order at some point.]

It would also help her to deepen in her relationship with the Lord through prayer and active ministry work so that she feels His strength and protection surrounding her. There are many ways youth can help their local churches, hospitals or senior centers and gain from these kind of jobs a healthier perspective on life and how other people handle pain, difficulty and fear. As a teen, I worked a summer as a junior aide and learned a lot from the patients. Later I volunteered with the elderly and found them full of wisdom and listening ability. These might be very good additional supports for your daughter.

If you are open to the rosary, I would also encourage your family to start praying it on a regular basis (daily-weekly, whatever works). Not only is it incredibly soothing, many people report that praying the rosary helps ward off fear and overcome illness and injury. [Any Catholic church or bookstore should be able to give you information on where to get a rosary and how to pray it. There's much info online, too.]

Note: If your family is not Christian, do not worry, you can still avail yourselves of spiritual direction. There are places which welcome all sorts. Call the Catholic diocesan offices and they should be able to direct you to ecumenical resources. If you are interested, the phone number should be available online, i.e. google “Catholic Archdiocese of Boston” and look for a main number.

God Bless,
S.

I can understand her concern, as I am sure that you can. If you could arrange it, I think it would really help her to be able to talk to the doctors who treated her at the hospital, or maybe just her pediatrician. They can also address her other fears and decide if she possible needs further help regarding a counsler.

Typically a behavior like this will had to have gone on for a month or more for it to be considered a problem (according to psych diagnotic criteria - I am a psych major specializing in abnormal psych, that is why I know this). It's not uncommon, especially in children for it to take a long time for them to deal with very traumatic events. It's kind of an overload to them to deal with it all at once, so it will keep creeping back in for a while.

Hi there! I am so sorry for the unfortunate event that led your daughter to think this way! What if she spoke with a family counselor, or school counselor about this. Sometimes, reassurance from a third party (and not Mom & Dad) can help. My brother was this way when he was younger, due to a teacher that liked to scare his class with stories of how you can get lead poisoning, aids, etc. His counselor helped him out alot, and he was able to come up with some great techniques for dealing with these worrisome thoughts. Good luck!

Hi C.,
I can only imagine how your daughter feels. I'm sure I would have worries like that, too, after such a traumatic experience. It would probably really help her to see a specialist who deals specifically with the afteraffects of trauma. But also, I would try to keep her from watching news, as it is almost all negative and scary, and blown out of proportion. I don't even watch it, because when your mind is exposed to that kind of stuff, you tend to think about those things a lot more often. Also, we have recently started our 6 kids doing Positive affirmations every day, which is basically writing down each morning a series of positive statements. Particularly when you write things down, it actually triggers a part of your brain that will then find a way to make those things happen. I made up a list for my kids which I took out of the book "The 4:8 Principle" by Tommy Newberry. I'll email it to you if you like. We started this about a month ago, and already I am seeing a difference in their thinking. We're trying to teach them that they have control over their thinking. Good luck.

Hi C.! how sad for your daughter... but there is good news: she can feel MUCH better very fast with proper treatment.
it sounds like a pretty clear-cut case of PTSD - post traumatic stress disorder. Someone mentioned CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy), which I've heard good things about, but above all I would make sure your daughter goes to see a TRAUMA specialist. there is a huge field of trauma specialization now, with lots of incredibly effective techniques. One of them is called EMDR, Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing. Another is called EFT, Emotional Freedom Therapy. You can find a therapist who does EMDR at www.emdr.com, and search by area, and then cross-match with your insurance company. These techniques are no longer fringe, because they work so well. They are solidly mainstream now, and they are not scary or weird or invasive. They basically involve the fact that traumatic memories are stored differently from other memories, so they need to be accessed differently. Otherwise, they sit there in a compartmentalized part of your brain, affecting the rest of your mind in irrational ways, so that it is hard to have a rational worldview and hard to understand that you are not in immediate danger. So your daughter needs to help those traumatic memories become integrated with the rest of her mind, so she can understand in a rational way that the odds of her being in danger are very low, and not live in fear. The good news is, these techniques are extremely effective, and work pretty fast too - especially on someone with an isolated incident like your daughter. They have been used widely on children, with great success, especially EMDR.
I think there is a trauma center in Brookline, but basically I would start by trying to go through your insurance and find a trauma specialist ASAP!
Best of luck, and don't worry - she'll be totally fine in no time!!
T.

You could have her doctor talk to her.