Advice for Single Mom Living with Fiance

Updated on October 25, 2006
K.L. asks from Whitehouse, OH
4 answers

I am a single mom of 2 boys 16 and 13. I have been divorced for 6 years and have been living with my fiance for the past 1 1/2 yrs. My fiance is a wonderful man and falling in love with him was immediate. I knew how he was raised by a strict step father who passed away 10 years ago and I met his family who are great people before we moved in together. After 8 months everything I fell in love with was gone. He no longer wanted to be intimate, he was constantly complaining about little things like my son leaving his cup on the counter or his book bag in the corner and is very condesinding. It seems it is a one way street with him and he doesn't give us a break. When its good it's awesome, when it's bad it's hell. I discuss this with him and he always has an excuse. He isn't abusive but he is making me and my boys feel like we are guests in his home and I am very uncomfortable. I do love him and want this to work out and we are constantly discussing our issues but it seems the next day they are back the way they were. My boys and I had to change so much and he feels we still have more changing to do. He wants this little perfect family. Funny thing is he will complain about my son leaving a pair of shoes out and say it makes the house look like a S@#thole but his garage leaks (and its attached to the house), there are water marks in every ceiling in the house but he doesn't seem to find that bad. He works in a factory 3 days in a row 12 hours each day, then he is off for 3 days. On these 3 days off he will lay around and when I come home from work he always has something to complain about like he made dinner or he had to pick up after the puppy. He Was Home! If I was home and he was at work I would have picked it up. It's also his priorities. He will pick his friends over me any day. He didn't used to and I would never make him. But after not seeing him for 3 days and he choose to take off with a friend that upsets me. If I did that he would be pissed. I would love to pack up and leave and chalk it up to another mistake but my house is being rented for another 5 months and I am so in debt I cannot afford to move out. Has anyone had a relationship like this? Has it gotten better? What did you do?

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J.J.

answers from Toledo on

Hi K., I'm no expert but I went through something similar with my ex-husband. Most of his issues with me stemmed from his the abuses he suffered from his family when he was young.
It sounds like your fiancee is having trouble adjusting to people being in "his space". How long was he alone before you moved in? All too often when someone complains about the small stuff (such as things being out of place), it is because they feel threatened and enroached upon. If you really want to try to keep this relationship, I would recommend family counseling. If cost is an issue, there are places that will bill insurance or even work on a sliding fee scale.
Good luck! J.

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R.S.

answers from Toledo on

anything worth fighting for is worth staying and changing u have to want this relationship for it to work. how you came in to the relationship is probably how it would be from here on out. but you can not let your children dictate your future because one day soon there gonna get out then what you may be by yourself. in this case it seems as if your only there because u cant for anything else that is totally the wrong reason never rely on a man if u do he may feel he has control over u, your kids and any thing that goes on because it its his house. if its to stressful leave your health and wellbeing is more important.

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K.D.

answers from Toledo on

If you have only been dating him for about a year, then I would say get out as soon as you can. Another option is tell him that you aren't happy and you can see that he isn't either and you would like to see a couselor with him. His isurance may pay for it. If his insurance doesn't then you may be able to become a member of a church and often times the pastors are really good at couples counseling. You will need to go to couples counseling through a church if you are getting married at one, anyways, so it won't hurt to get it out of the way. If the man is not on drugs, then it sounds like he is not expressing himself correctly. Some people just change and you can't reach them anymore when it comes to solving the problem. No problem in a relationship is completely your fault, it is more 50/50. You have an example to set for your sons, especially when they are in their dating years.

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4.

answers from Toledo on

You are in a relationship that has run its course. I recommend that you end the engagement and concentrate on maintaining healthy relationships with your boys.

You say your fiance is not abusive, but the behavior you've described is very much abusive. For whatever reason, he feels he lacks control over some aspect of his life, so he exerts and extreme amount of controlling behavior toward you and the boys. This kind of behavior can never be satisfied, and without counseling, he will never stop. In fact, the longer this behavior is tolerated by you and your children, the worse it will get.

If you really want to stay in this relationship, suggest counseling to him and attend with him. If he refuses counseling, attend anyway, but end the relationship and consider yourself lucky that you were never married.

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