Advice for My Daughters First Break Up

Updated on June 19, 2008
J.F. asks from Riverside, CA
13 answers

Hello again. My last request was for advice on my 16 year old daughter and her 18 year old boyfriend, and I would like to thank you all. Well, I now seek advice on helping her cope with her first "heartbreak". That's right, he broke up with her last week. Don't get me wrong, I'm pleased as heck, but I don't want her to know that. She is taking this real hard, he first told her that he didn't love her anymore, but now says he did it to protect them both, which I agree with. How do I help her through this? She doesn't want to talk about it and continues to talk to him on the phone, a lot! I've told her that I'm here if she decides she wants to talk, but she's pretty closed up anyway.
Any advices will be greatly appreciated.

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So What Happened?

I would like to thank you all for your advice. It looks like the key is to spend more quality time with her and keep her occupied. This is my second request from all of you in the past month, and I want to tell you all, thank you so much. It's nice to know that there are alot of wise and wonderful moms out there.

Featured Answers

M.Z.

answers from Reno on

You're doing pretty much all you can. Just be there for her. Don't push, it's something she'll have to work through on her own. Just let her know you love her and are there for her whenever she needs you, for whatever she needs. Good luck.

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C.S.

answers from Las Vegas on

J.,
You are doing the right thing. Hopefully she will move on to someone else and forget about him...they do that. Why not try to take her out a lot to get her mind off of him and away from the telephone. Is it a cel phone? Accidently forget it at home and say, "Ooops, sorry". Pretty soon something else will occupy her mind and she will move on. My daughter recently had a break up too, I just invite her to do things with me all the time so she won't think about it.

Best of luck.
C.

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H.I.

answers from Los Angeles on

if he ended it,then he needs to stay away! he needs to stop calling her and accepting her calls. maybe if you talk to him and tell him that he is hurting her more, hopefully he cares enough to stay away. good luck!

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K.S.

answers from Las Vegas on

There's a book by greg something. He has a talk show on TV. the book is called, "it's called a break up because it's broken." it will help her not only now but in future heartbreaks.

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M.H.

answers from Los Angeles on

You never forget your first big breakup. Its so cliche, but only time will heal her pain. Like the other posters have said, just be there for you. Some days she may want to talk and on other days not at all. As parents we just want to protect our kids, but in matters of the heart, we just can't. As a teenager I kept a journal. My mom and I didn't have the kind of relationship where I could talk to her. And oddly the person I could talk to was my boyfriends mom - go figure! if she doesn't have a journal, buy her one. Its a good way to release her feelings. It is better than her bottleing it all up inside.
Good luck.

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S.C.

answers from Houston on

Tell her a story about yourself. Do you have any? Let her know that you have been there yourself and were keen enough and insightful enough to prevail from such heartache. That would have worked with me and i was a tough teenager. I think teenagers want to see their parents as "mortal" if you know what i mean. Good luck. My daughter is 2 so i know that i have a long road ahead of me :)

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V.T.

answers from Fresno on

Oh my J.! You do have your hands full with 2 teenage girls in the house. I went through the exact same thing last year. My daughter's first real boyfriend broke up with her and it was devastating for her! It's was almost that bad for me to have to watch her in such pain. Lot's of quiet pats on the back, not a lot of questions, just so she knows that you are there. It is a horrible passage of life, really heartbreaking. Good luck to all 3 of you!

V.

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D.H.

answers from Los Angeles on

Hi J.,

My 17 yr old just went through a recent break up. She also doesn't really want to talk about it & occasionally speaks to him. The best you can do is to ask her about it every once in a while. You never know if you catch her on a day when she's feeling really vulnerable and may want to open up & talk to you. You might relate to her by telling her of a teen heartbreak that you had. Knowing that you actually went through a similar "spectrum" of feelings might make her more likely to share with you. In any case, from one mom to another, "YEAH!" I wanted my daughter to break up to - for both of their sake. He was way too jealous & it was getting worse! You might also try to keep your daughter occupied; schedule a mother-daughter date for the movies, dinner or ice cream or something or try to get her involved in an activity; sports or church group. Getting her involved with something else will help keep her mind off him & her sadness. Good luck!

D. H.

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C.M.

answers from Salinas on

I don't have any daughters or teens, but I was a teen that seemed to be dramatic over heart aches myself and I can tell you the thing that worked best for me was distraction. Maybe offer to do some novelty activity with your daughter to get her mind off things. Maybe take a day trip to somewhere nearby and spend the day window shopping? Take her to a professional sporting event (if she's into any teams.) Take her to a ballet or symphony or museum. Show her that life is much bigger than this heartache. Don't tell her that... but show her in your actions. I remember being 16 and thinking the world was over when a romance was over, but I wish I had known that life was just starting and there was so much in the world to be seeing! Don't tell her your outing is because of the heart ache... just say that you decided you wanted to do something and thought it would be fun to spend this day together. Good luck... with summer coming, you can just say it's because school is ending! i hope that helps.

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C.N.

answers from San Luis Obispo on

Dear J.,

Well, for one thing, I know that this is a very difficult time for her personally. I would say, just be sure to be physically as close to her as she will let you. Try to not talk about it too much, but to find something for the two of you to do together - I don't know what, of course, shopping and lunch in a very nice place, but maybe she doesn't feel like that yet. It is almost summer, maybe a short trip to a great place - if she will go. I think a short trip would probably be the only thing that she would agree to. She truly does need some time to grieve. It is like someone dying when that break up happens. So go easy, and show love, and give little advice. Say, I wonder if all that talking to him makes him feel worse too, because he is hurting just like you are. If she thinks that she is doing something for him, maybe she will be stronger and withdraw herself from him a little. Good Luck, If I can think of something else today, I will write again. C. N.

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N.N.

answers from Fresno on

I remember my first breakup like it was yesterday I was devastated! I remember keeping myself busy with friends and my mother taking me to do little things like get my hair done or nails something nice for myself. Just watch out for signs of depression. I can remember that was where depression started for me :(

M.Z.

answers from Reno on

You're doing pretty much all you can. Just be there for her. Don't push, it's something she'll have to work through on her own. Just let her know you love her and are there for her whenever she needs you, for whatever she needs. Good luck.

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M.H.

answers from Los Angeles on

All i have to really say is Thank your lucky stars that they broke up because my mom was a single mother raising 3 girls and let me tell you we did not make it easy!:)We were all really close and we could tell our mom anything.But when it came to boys I really didnt talk to her about them,I felt like I couldnt be that honest on that subject.I got pregnant at 15 had my first son at 16.So try to get her to focus on what her passion might be and go for it.
Good Luck to you and your family!

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G.H.

answers from Los Angeles on

Hi J.. I think they best thing you can do is teach her healthy outlets for that loss. Help her understand people turn to food or drugs or booze or shopping when they experience deep feelings and that you'll help her find healthy outlets. I think any kind of meditative exercise helps -- hiking, walking, swimming, biking, etc. Joining a mountain bike club. And plenty of reminders of all her attributes. Maybe some (with a budget) shopping therapy or a manicure/pedicure out with mom. A day away to reflect and breath -- somewhere pretty, relaxing and/or fun.
G.

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