Advice for Husband.

J.,
CONGRADULATIONS!! I am a stay at home mom of two children (18 and 35 months). My husband did the same thing with both children. As a matter of fact, the children still win the "Mommy vs. Daddy war". Try to have him take care of your son during the happy times. Just like you did, your husband is going to need to LEARN about your sons cries. Sometimes, the best thing to do is just reasure your husband that he is doing a good job and that you just have to guess what Conner wants too. There are some really good books out there for daddys. My husband really liked New Father's Book by Wade Horn. I hope I helped a little bit.

J.

This sounds so familiar to me. My husband was the same way. I think you have to leave them alone to figure it out on their own. Your husband will come up with his own ways when he knows he can't give the baby back to you.
Eventually, he'll start telling YOU what works. That is what mine did. I was mighty proud that day.

Hi J.,

I struggled like you when Logan was born. Part of my husbands struggle was his confidence in being able to do things as well as I do. I have a couple ideas:
Let Patrick do everything he is able to for the baby. I noticed that the more I let my husband do the more he gained "exposure to caregiving" he was able to handle the more difficult stuff. I know it's really hard to take a step back when it's often easier to do things ourselves, but it will benefit you in the long run.
Your husband probably needs praise -"honey look how he smiles when you give him a bath" or "how did you get the blanket to stay swaddled? i never can" Praise him and ask questions to help him feel like he knows something.
I don't know if you are familiar with Baby Bungalow, but they do a father "boot camp" taught by other fathers. Maybe that's something your husband would want to do. I wish I would have sent my husband. I think you can find their info at babybungalow.org and the email is ____@____.com. I think Chris is the contact for the classes.
I don't know if any of this will work for you, but I wish you well and I promise it will get better. Keep the communication going- it's easy to get frustrated and angry when you're not sleeping.
Take care-
C.

This may sound weird, but leave him a list. Write down things you know that works for you when you are trying to calm Conner down. Try to make the most effective ways down first, then write down the last resorts. I know one way my son used to calm right down was I would take him in the shower with me. I would put him on my shoulder and let the warm water run down his back. It calmed him right down, and so I always had his father try this technique when I was not around and it worked like a charm. Classes are an excellent idea, but some men wont go for that and it sounds like you are on a timeframe, so I would go for a list.

Maybe look into the Baby Bunbgalow on Azeele. I think they have classes for first time dads or boot camp for new dads to help the guys adjust. zthey also offer play groups and many more programs.

J.,

It is going to hurt both of you if your husband keeps giving up. It will cause jealousy because you are a better parent than him if this continues. Obviously there is no easy answer but I have one suggestion. This Saturday or Sunday get up early and leave for the day leaving Daddy with Conner. Do not answer your cell when he calls, make him leave a message and call back only if an emergency. The only way for him to feel like a good parent is to be a parent. Parenting isn't just about playing and love it's about discipline and playing and loving and getting through the hard times. At the end of a day forced to be with Conner he will realize that it isn't as hard as it seems and also that yes it is harder than it seems. He will have a new respect for you having cared for him all this time and he will create a long lasting bond with his son. It seems cruel, but is a lot harder to pass his son off to you if you are not there. Heck, if you can't go all day try a few hours like right after the baby wakes up from a nap. Do what you feel comfortable with. You're a new mom, you need a break sometimes too so try and enjoy the hours away from home and housework and Conner. Patrick will be okay with Conner once he has that alone time. He might even be feeling like you are the only one who can calm Conner so he thinks he's doing the right thing by handing him back. Hard to tell. By the way, DO NOT TELL PATRICK UNTIL YOU ARE LEAVING! It will make it much harder for him to make other plans.

Best of Luck
J.

First off.. I'm sorry! Colic is the worst! My son had it for almost 4 months. He really needs to know that when a baby has colic it takes alot of work from both parents. Can you guys make a schedule? My son only slept on us or in his bjorn carrier during colic. My husband and I took two-three hour shifts. He really needs to learn what works for his son so that he can help soothe him. Being a first time parent is hard. Esp. during sleep depravation and colic. You feel like nothing you do is right at times. I wish my husband could talk to him and ease his frustration.
Have you read the "Happiest Baby on the Block?" They give some great advice on colic.

My husband, a first time dad at 42 years old, was exactly the same way...it was my second child, so I had a little more experience and was able to separate my feelings of frustration and being overwhelmed....probably the best thing you could do is go out on a Saturday and leave him with the child ALL DAY, without help from inlaws, etc.

It will be fine.

Same thing at night. Iron clad rule, that Dad has to pretend that you're not there. Believe me, once he gets over the hump, all down hill. Neither he, nor the baby will be worse for the wear...in fact, they'll bond.

Let go of the reins...it will be okay.

My husband has never liked to be around babies untill they know how to communicate (walk and talk on their own). He went to a class called Daddy Boot Camp and is now more comfortable around babies. This is an excellent class for all first time dads to take. Classes are held once a month at Morton Plant Hospital. You can get more information from the hospial website under the class directory or you may contact the class coach, Gordon Martin at ###-###-#### (cell) http://www.4rcb.com/boot_upcoming.php
Hope this helps!!

Also.... one important thing your husband should always remember is not to get frustrated / upset / angry around the baby. The baby will sense these feelings and respond to them by getting more upset.

My husband felt the same way when we first brought our son home. He also gave up after just a few minutes of trying. I tried to make suggestions about how he should handle our son, but my suggestions seemed to frustrate my husband. But I never took the baby back. I would hand him over and say I had to do something. I didn't always leave the room, but I kept my hands busy so my husband didn't have the option of handing the baby back. I also decided to stop making suggestions, so my husband developed confidence as time went by. When our baby was 6 months old I went to visit my sister for the weekend. I needed a break since I was the primary caretaker of the child and also working. I knew my husband was capable of taking care of the baby, but neither of us knew how my husband would shine as a father when left on his own. People have a way of adapting to situations when given no other choice. It sounds like your husband wants to be a great dad, so maybe a few hours alone with the baby will give him the opportunity to be one.

-T. Q

Congrats on the new baby! As Jennifer stated, Harvey Karp's Happiest Baby on the block worked great for us. It really got my husband involved. He'd swaddle her and do the moves the book/video suggested and the baby would calm down. I think seeing the "end result" of a calm baby really reinforced daddy's efforts and gave him the confidence to deal with the crying. Also, the daddy's classes were really helpful too. Mu husband also enjoyed taking the baby outside (for a walk etc). Being away from home really took a lot of the stress out of being with a crying baby. Neutral ground so to speak. As most things, this too will pass. There will come a day that daddy is the only one the baby will want to be around ;-)

There is some great advice here - some I wish I had before I had moved here. I agree with the list and then leaving daddy alone with your son. Taking care of a child is trial and error for everyone and your husband needs to realize that you are new at this too and God did not just give you the knowledge to handle all this. You are allowing him to give up and he knows that he can just give the baby back when things don't work out. You need to leave the house for a few hours and let dad figure it out on his own, and be supportive. You can't give him confidence. He has to earn it for himself.

PLEASE CALL ME TO GET THE VIDEO "HAPPIEST BABY ON THE BLOCK" by Dr. Harvey Karp...it works!!! I am in Coral Gables, FL can ship it if you want, but so many couples use the techniques to calm and relax baby and have amazing results. Also there is Baby Bliss Gripe Water that has been used in Europe for years and helps with colic and gases etc...

Best to you,
D. Geymayr, R.Y.T., HBCE, CD, CLD
Prenatal Plus - Yoga
www.prenatalplusyoga.com
###-###-####

I say leave him on his own. It doesn't have to be actually away from him and the baby, just go sit outside or close your bedroom door or even run to the store if he comes and "hunts" you down to hand off the baby. If he is left to "fend for himsef" with the baby he will see he CAN do it and will be much more confiedent after he does do it. Good luck!!

There is a book that might help if he likes to read.The Expectant Father: Facts, Tips and Advice for Dads-to-Be, Second Edition . I wish you the best of luck!

Hi, I have a 1 year old and my husband was the same he's 25, and a 1st time daddy too, I would have him take the baby out for walks and talk to him softly with lots of love, it took a few days but eventually the baby would expect my husband to hold him and take him out for a walk. It creates a nice bond and the baby loves him, it's not his fault he's fussy, it takes time to adjust to eachother. Now they are unseperable!

My husband watched our first child for the first six months of his life and then worked from home and watched my one-year old daughter. He'd be the first to tell your husband to just get over the feelings of inadequacies and frustration. Conner needs to feel safe and secure, and he won't feel that if he senses frustration and fear from Daddy. There are going to be times when trying several different calming methods won't work, but it's not because Mommy isn't there...it's just because baby is a person all his own. My husband was a Marine, so I was initially skeptical about his capabilities to nurture our children while I was away at work. I was soon proved wrong as he used the grit and determination he learned in the Corps to plough on no matter what. By the time my son was two, his feeding and sleeping schedules were so regular that I could set my watch to them. In fact, because my husband kept trying until he succeeded, both of our children take regular naps and slept/sleep throughout the night from infancy to toddlerhood. It's definitely doable...if my husband can do it, any Daddy can! :)

Don't let your husband give up. When he wants to hand over the baby don't take him. While you are working he won't be able to give you the baby anyway. He probably won't do things your way, he needs to find his own. When my first daughter was little my husband and I worked opposite shifts to avoid child care expenses. He ended up having a great relationship with her even til today (now she is 13). Lots of luck.

K.

I went through the same thing. My kids are now ages 5 and 7. You just have to try different things. I found that they liked being held while I was standing, rather than sitting. They liked it when I gently moved from side to side, just by shifting my weight from one foot to the other. Sometimes they liked it when I sang quietly to them. They really liked being placed in what we called a "bouncy seat". It looks like a small hammock, but it has a battery and vibrates. The kids just LOVED that. It was a life saver.
Larry F.
Father of 2
Re/Max, Realtor

My sister had the same problem. When she went back to work, she made sure 2 days a week she was scheduled to work later than daycare was open so her husband had to pick up their daughter. She arrived home about 2 hours later. After a few days, he was better. He was able to figure out how to calm her down & bond with her alone, without anyone there, so he didn't have to worry about doing it wrong. Good Luck!