Advice for Dealing with a LONG In-law Visit

Hi W.,

I dont know from where your in laws are coming so Im not entirely sure of the cultural considerations. In many parts of the world when a woman has a baby they are treated very well by the in laws. No one will expect you to 'entertain' or become super mom. I know you have anxiety about their stay but to be honest, it will be a blessing in disguise and it is a good thing that your daughter wont be put in childcare.

When I was pregnant my mother in law wanted to come for the birth. I put my foot down and said that I needed a bit of adjusting time. So she came after 4 weeks. Im glad that I did have time to feel comfortable as a mother but Im also glad that she came when things began to get tough. She was very supportive and helpful in letting me feel relaxed.

Good luck. DOnt dwell on it too much in advance.

J.

I really feel for you W.! That is a very long time for any in-laws, even ones you like! I admire you for compromising with your husband since it is so important to him, and sacrificing your own comfort.

I can only think of two things: First, do NOT let anything fester. Even something small is sure to boil under the surface for weeks until it blows up! It would be better for you to process through what annoys you and what does NOT work EACH night before bed so you can have a fresh start the next day. Talk with your husband or a good girlfriend... and if it something you NEED to get off your chest, approach your in-laws about it.

Second -- make sure you have YOUR time apart from the in-laws. Take your daughter out anywhere if you have to (Borders, an evening walk, the library, a gf's house)... If you need some quiet away from everyone but don't feel like going out, practice going in your room and shutting the door to unwind. The more you take care of yourself, the better your patience meter will be!

Goodluck with the visit! I really hope it works out for everyone...Also remember that parenting advice can get annoying (REALLY annoying) so learning to ignore advice is a skill worth it's weight in gold!!!

K.

I've dealt with the same issue with my in-laws and really haven't found any way to make the situation better except to take advantage of the "built-in" babysitter aspect. I have twins and my husband is reluctant to use a babysitter that isn't family so we don't get out by ourselves very often. So when his mother comes, we usually go out just the two of us about once a week or so. The kids are usually in bed by the time we go out so we don't have to worry and we know someone we trust is there to watch over them in the event that they wake up.
This might not take away the stress of long-term house guests but might help your marriage stay strong. Good luck and I look forward to reading the other responses!

Hi W.,

I think all of the responses have great points. Are you in a position that you must go back to work? Are you going back because you love your job or to make ends meet? In our household I realized with children that my priority was control over my time freedom. I could not stand being away, working 40-60 hours per week, missing events and limited to two weeks vacation. My solution was an internet based home business my cousin shared with me. It brought me home in a few short months. I am looking for other people who have the same desire to teach and train so that they can have options to stay at home, make the money they desire and have the right to make family choices that are right for you. Let me know if you want to talk more about how I did this. Maybe it will be a good choice for you.

Take care, S.

Hi W.,

Learning how to stand up for yourself without getting angry is one of the hardest thing you will ever do for yourself. How can you learn that whatever they do or say is a reflection of how they were raised. Just think, this is their grandchild and the baby will be carrying their genes in his body. Learn about their culture while they visit. Be honored that they care about the birth of you and your husband's baby to come to the states to help you. If you can't cope sometimes, take a break and don't complain to your husband, they are his parents. Would you want him to do the same thing to your parents? Coping is difficult. Find ways to enjoy yourself. The baby is not only for the parents but grandparents and the village.

Good luck. D.

Wow. My in-laws live out of country too and have stayed for 6 weeks max in the past when my husband was about to deploy. That was before the baby! After our daughter was born, I told my Dh to tell them a week max! I couldn't have taken it any longer than that! You are my hero! LOL
Seriously though, they need to know the limits and boundries BEFORE the baby arrives. You guys need your time as a "NEW FAMILY" to bond and find your way. They need to respect your space. When we had family stay with us after the baby, the rule bsically was, they could help with anything around the house...but unless we asked for help, the baby-care was totally up to us. I know my own mother would have gladly taken over the babycare had I let her, but I needed to learn and bond. At the same time, you will likely appreciate their help (if they tend to help out...)
Hang in there and we'll all be around for support!

wow W., you'd rather have your newborn put in daycare than have the baby taken care of by family members, that is, by the grandparents. i just don't see it. i think you're putting yourself ahead of your baby and it is just not good. just my opinion.
my family lives outside the country and my husband and i begged my mother to come stay with us for a while when my twins would be born. she did. she stayed for 4 months. while it was difficult even for me to have my mom around constantly, and i was not working outside the home, it was great to have extra helping hands. when she left we were so sad because we were losing that help. and i say this emphasizing that my girls didn't have to go to daycare so i was already there with extra helping hands. i think you should beg for 6 months stay for your baby's sake. daycares don't care for the baby like you would or family members would. that's just a fact. the baby will be one extra for the daycare, not the light of their eyes, the joy of their lives, the best thing ever!!!!
i am sorry i am being harsh.

Does your husband have an open relationship with his parents? Could he be your advocate?
I am just thinking how fortunate you are to have family that is willing to come help, even if it may seem like it will be a hard thing to cope with. It is hard to know what life will be like until you actually have that baby! But being able to communicate with your in-laws will be key.

Maybe you could just plan tentatively... You could tell your in-laws 3-6 months. Or use your husband as your advocate to talk to his parents. Maybe you will have found a great daycare that the spot will fill up if your baby does not go 3 months after he/she is born. Or maybe you will be so delighted to have your in-laws there to care for your baby (and maybe even housework and meals! a HUGE help!)

I would recommend not making too many "set" plans until you have had time to be with your baby and know how you are feeling. Again, nobody can prepare you for what it will be like once your baby arrives! You may think one way now, but feel the complete opposite in a month.

And if your in-laws do stay longer than hoped for, you can always try to leave with the baby or have your husband suggest outings for your in-laws. Hopefully you and/or your husband feel comfortable talking to your in-laws; good communication will be important. And you will need time alone with your baby.

Hope this helps a little.

Good luck with everything!

you will just have to grow a back bone. this is your baby and your house. make sure you thank them every day and b nice ut other than that dont take any flack from them and you do what you want to. another suggestion is to have them come at least a week before you go back to work so that you arent just throwing aby at them and leaving. make sur they have that week to go trought the day with you on what you do with baby and how you want things done. after that enjoy the free live in daycare and silently count down the days till the in laws leave. dont worry though you'll get through it and it'll be over before you know it.

At this point you really need to make the best of the situation. If this is the first child for the both of you, beware of the lack of sleep, the nursing issues that may arise an of course the bonding time you all are going to want and need. These are some of the issues that may arise and you and your husband are going to need to figure this stuff out on your own.Having a new born requires changes in ones life style.
Best of luck :)

Hi W.,
First, any chance you can rent an apartment nearby for them? Or put them up in a hotel on weekends? That way they are close but not constantly there. They might like the space too. Talk openly ahead of time about the need for some family alone time.
Secondly, reevaluate your decision after the baby is born. Your whole world changes so you may decide you want them around for 3 months or longer.
Best of luck!

man i feel your pain. i just had my mother in law my sister in law and her daughter for2 months and it was the longest two months of my life. again it isnt because we dont like our inlawas but 2 months was too long to have anybody in our home,your home is not your own when you have company and it just gest more and more draining the longer they stay.all i can say is keep busey and be patient.also take advantage of the fact that you will have two wonderful babysitters under your roof that you wont even have to pay.take every oppertunity to go on a date with your hubby and to get out and do thngs that you enjoy.i wish you all the luck in the world.

W., congrats and blessings on your upcoming birth. All I can say is that you will want and welcome any help you can get with having a newborn trust me. My husband and I don't have any family here in the area and I jump at the chance when my mom or other family wants to come visit--unfortunately I don't get along with the in-laws so they don't come up much (and they live in NC!) Anyway, if your planning to breatfeed, you won't have much time for little stuff around the house either so take the opportunity to have others there to do things for you, like clean, cook, and those moments when you want to soak in a tub---think about it. Your life you've known for the 14 years you and your husband have had is OVER!!! Sorry for the bluntness! I just long for the day I can relax in a tub in peace :) Once they've been with the baby all day-when you go to work-I'm sure they will leave you to have your time once you come home in the evening. You will be grateful for the extra hands.
Best of luck

Make sure you rent or buy them a cheap car - so that they can get around and not be dependent on you. Do a little research on all of the activities that are available around town, as well as for long weekend trips. Then, as soon as they get there, let them know how grateful you are that they are there, and that you don't want them to feel trapped at home. That you would love for them to go out one or two nights a week on their own. Also, you would LOVE for them to enjoy there weekends like tourists, and not like a full time nanny. Perhaps you could spring for a few of the getaways as a thank you.

Also, make time for yourself - and set that expectation. Let them know that you are just exhausted from shuffling back and forth to work, and being up all night with a new born, and you would be so grateful for an hour or so of down time at night - and then hang out and read in your room for an hour.

Tell them you would be grateful for some alone time with your husband while they are still there - a walk at night ALONE after dinner, or a bike ride.

THEN - every time you feel frazzled, remember to feel grateful that you have left your precious baby with someone who loves her as much as you do, and that it is worth it!

After that. . . Pray for sanity!

Thank God they won't be there for the birth! You'll have three months to get established with the baby on your own. (Although if you can get someone else who you are very comfortable to come help for the first week or two I'd recommend it. Having my own mother stay with us was a godsend, but not everyone has that kind of relationship.) I would suggest that you make it a routine that when you get home you say hello to your in-laws, hope you had a good day, then relieve them of the baby and retreat to the nursery or your bedroom to have half and hour or so alone with her to nurse, cuddle, etc. For the first three months you may enjoy nursing her in the living room to be with other people, read or watch TV (if breastfeeding is difficult at first this can be a sanity saver) but when your in-laws are around it may be nice to have another room to retreat to.

If you can...try not to think about their visit too much until closer to the time that they come. You have such a wonderful and try and altogether more significant experience coming up in a month! You will be a different person the next time you see them. You will be a mom and you'll know what you are doing when your daughter is three months old (keep reminding yourself this when she is 1 day old, 1 week, 1 month, etc.! You'll know what kind of help will be useful and will be able to ask for it. And it really is easier to leave your baby at home with relatives when you go back to work than to take her to daycare (emotionally and definitely logistically). If it helps, even write down on your calendar on the date one month before they arrive "Think about in-laws' visit" to help yourself set it aside until then. I guarantee it won't seem as bad then!

Good luck and one more note: my mother-in-law always drove me a little crazy, but it's actually better now with my son - she's quite respectful. Hang in there and just focus on enjoying your daughter.

Hi W.,

Trust me - family members taking care of the baby is so much better than daycare - you may change your mind after the baby comes. (plus it costs less).
It sounds like previously, you've been unable to set limitations with your in-laws. Now's a good time to start - especially with the baby. They may not like it because they're used to the "old ways," but you're going to have to voice your feelings and opinions. Make sure your husband deals with them, too and shares the demands... Who knows? Maybe they'll see how hard you work and how busy you are - And if not, you can always just tell them what you're doing and how you don't multitask.

My in-laws are from the US but have always lived at least ten hours by car from us. When they come for a visit they always stay at least a week. Tensions run a little high after about an hour, but the 4th day I just want my house back. It is more my mother-in-law than father-in-law. She is very opinionated, says she is here to help but never really does much of anything but sit and watch tv. When she does do things for our three children it is never what I ask. When they were infants she would insist on brining all diaper changing supplies to the living room or dining room to change the dirty diapers on the tables or couches. There was a complete set up of a changing table in the nursery. She fed them all off schedule, and would feed formula even though she knew I was nursing. She always claimed she knew better because she raised three of her own. She still does say that. My best advice is to do what my cousin told me (she has quads). Chart everything! Make a feeding chart. Indicate exact amounts of either expressed milk or formula that should be given at each feeding and at what times you are feeding. Since they are coming for 3 months the times will be close to every 3 or 4 hours at first and then by the end of the visit it should be closer to every 6. Chart sleep schedules, play times, etc. this will also be a great keepsake if you do it in a decorative way. I also recommend you are very up front with them about how you are feeling with regards to time with the baby when you come in from work. Maybe suggest they try new restaurants for dinner a couple of nights a week just to get them out of the house so you and your husband can have private time with the baby. Ask them to make runs to the store for food or Target for diapers. Know that everything will not be done the way you do it and don't let them tell you that your tension is p-p depression, mine did with both pregnancies when they came after the births. I was no where near that, I was just thrilled that the babies were healthy and beautiful! My tension was from her and her negativity about the way I was taking care of the babies. You will have it better than I did because you have time with the baby before they come to set up your routines and tweak them to work smoothly. The first time my MIL told me that I should seek help I just bit my tongue and kept the peace, when the twins were born 17 months later and she repeated hep statement I let her have it. It made for an awkward remaining six days! Maybe offer to get them off for a couple of long weekends to break the time up. You may have to find a sitter for a couple of days but it would give you some feeling of freedom. Hope this helps!

Hi W., I had the same "problem" when my daughter was born, who is now 18mo. My mother in-law came to live with us for 6 months. I had shorten that down from 1 year!! My husband's in medical school and though it would be good for an extra hand, but I did not want an extra hand especially if it meant coming home to someone other than him and the baby every day. I know how you feel. I had to have lots of converstations with my friend, whom I could vent to. Also it may be a good idea to get into a mommy group where you and the baby and just spend some time together away from home. I also had my shopping day on Saturdays (even if I bought nothing). My mother in-law doesnt go to the mall so I knew she would not come along. I hope this helps. Good luck!
S. g.

Hello W.,

You are in a very complicated situation. As you'll find out, it is nice to have people helping during the first 6 weeks, but it is also kind of crazy having people over the first 6 weeks.

Since the decision of your in-laws has already been made, and they are coming for three months, then, try to make the best of it.

First, give them tasks. If you are not specific about what needs to be done, they'll (read your mother in-law) will be content with just holding the baby. While this is great, you'll need real help in other areas such as: food, laundry, grocery shopping, cleaning up the house, the "graveyard" shift, and having some time off for yourself. The more specific you are, the better things will go.

Remember, this is your house, your childbirth experience, and your baby. No one wants to come to your house and start cooking if they don't feel comfortable. So, please, asked them directly, make a list, whatever works. Believe me, when I had my first child, I had both, my mom and my mother in-law with me. While my mother in-law was doing everything in her part to take care of ME, so that I could take care of the baby, my mom just held the baby. It was sort of ridiculous that when I came home from the hospital, around noon, my mom hadn't cooked anything for me. She didn't think that I wanted her to do such thing!!!

So, for my second child I became a task master...and she liked it. She knew how she could help me, and she was happy holding the baby.

Good luck

In-law visits are rough....I know. My Mom wanted to stay for a long time too when our daughter was born and my husband was not happy. But, as I look back on it....she was a HUGE help. We spent alone time with the baby....gave her one of our cars to go do things. But then she was also there to help with meals and take the baby while we slept....you want to sleep anytime the baby does! She woke us up for feedings. I wanted this great moment of "family", but in all honesty the 1st few weeks are so rough, the help around the house was nice. And get the site seeing or going somewhere on day that you want "family time" with your new bundle of joy! It is a great time....but also tiring!!!! Enjoy your new baby and tell them when you need YOUR time....they were parents....they should understand! CONGRATS!!!!

Congratulations on your baby! You are lucky on one respect and that is your in-laws live out of the country!! You are very generous that you are allowing the 3 months. This is your first baby and you do need time with her and it can be stressful.

Set guidelines for the visit. You will have your way of doing things and I'm sure your mother-in-law has her own. Sit down at the beginning of the visit and let them know that with the addition of the baby and going back to work that you won't have the time to devote to their visit as you would like. Let them know how appreciative you are of the visit and then tell them how they can help. Once you have your baby on a schedule you can give you mother-in-law tasks to complete while you are at work. Keep a list on the frig and ask them to help you out. Does she cook? Have her make the meals and while she's at it make extra to put in the freezer for later. Give them both one of those blank books and ask them to write about their lives so that you will have a written history for your baby. Depending on the ethnicity of your in-laws, have them write about traditions the family has and participates.

Bottom line; don't let them stress you out. My mother in law lives in another country and is NOT domestic at all and is very intellectual. She's well read and not maternal, but she means well. We see her every couple of years and it works out well. I give her little things to do to help out and it makes her feel useful. We get along well and it works for us. Enjoy your new baby and suck it up with the in-laws knowing that it is only temporary and not a daily intrusion.

How about getting use to the idea and looking at it in another way. If they didn't like to come, than I am sure they would stay that long. It is a cultural thing and there is nothing wrong with it. They are helping you and your husband out and bonding with the baby who is their granddaughter. I don't know what you mean by "demanding". ???
I too I am from a nother country and I find we are more "family oriented than Americans. They mean well.
Be grateful you have that kind of help and support. I had American inlaws that were not into the family that much. I am just telling you how it is my dear.
Plus, you will be putting a strain on your marriage and making your husband chooose between you and his parents. I suggest not doing that for a happy family life.
All the best to you my dear!

W.,
Is this your first baby? I am assuming yes. You are right to be nervous, but you may be able to avoid or shall I say prevent some disasters. You and your husband must be in agreement that you are the parents! It is imperative that you get hubby to back you on this, before their arrival. Why? Because if Grandma is bossing you around, your hubby may feel like, "well who cares as long as I don't get stuck doing the work."
It is important that you both agree that you are both in charge, together as a team. The grandparents are there as support, not as a substitute or a boss. It may be hard depending on your husband's relationship w/his mother. You need to remind him that you two are a couple before and after baby. If you want your marriage and family to be happy after the in-laws leave, then you must get things straight before they get there. Develop your parenting patterns as you two wish and stick to them.
Encourage your husband to see the full picture. IE life after in law visit. You guys need to be your own family and get back to being a couple etc. If there is friction between you and he, then things can be stressful. I'm not saying manipulate your man, I am saying, both of you put your marriage first. If you do this, the rest will fall into place.
My suggestion is that you and hubby sit down w/the in laws and welcome them, appreciate them, love them, and remind them that you are in charge. Enjoy your time w/them and the freedom and sleep you will get while they are there.
Good luck! Please let me know how it turns out.
My mother in law is a nightmare. If I had taken my own advice, my relationship w/her would be better. Now it's a constant struggle. Lay down the law w/love!!

W., all I can say about this is to pray for compassion and understanding. I was in a similar situation about 41 years ago except I lived in my in-laws house for about one year. My husband was away in college while I awaited the birth of my son. I think that maybe some of my attitude was hormanal based but once my son was born, I just wanted to keep him all to myself. Sometimes I know I was not very pleasant. I knew that my attitude was wrong but couldn't seem to get over it. However, it got better as my son got older and we prepared to get our own place. My point is that as I look back on those years, I know that we were blessed to have the love and support from my inlaws and they did not hold my attitude against me. (smile)

Hi W., I completely understand what you are going through. Well, if it will make you feel any better, my in-laws have been coming for the last 3 years and stayed for 6 months every time. 6 Months!!!I am not kidding. We did not have any children then and now we have a one year old. We are using the excuse that the house is too small and decided that the better idea is for us to go there for a couple of weeks so they do not have to. Well, eventually, I think I will be in your situation. I am going to have to eventually go back to work and my mother in law will probably have to take care of my son. Maybe if they live in their own apartment or something and we do not live together will be better. Also, you have to set some ground rules upfront. My mother-in-law thinks that she knows everything so I am extremely happy that she was not here for the birth and for his first year so I was able to do everything my own way. Good luck and honestly three months is not that bad. Believe me, plus with the baby now it will go by very fast.

It sounds like you and your husband need to have an important conversation about your in laws stay. You are going to be dealing with the pressures of a newborn AND a prolonged visit from your inlaws. I would sit down with your husband and tell him your concerns. I would start off with something positive (i.e. how much you appreciate they are coming to help out), then throw in your concerns (i.e. maybe you feel like you have to play hostess while dealing with a newborn), and then end with confirmation that you are appreciative of all the help they are going to be and you know how he doesn't get to see them very often so its important to him. Subjects like this are so sensitive (I had to do this with my husband). This is a transition time for you and your husband into a family of three and you will also be dealing with visitors while that is all going on. I think if you two can sit down and have a conversation he will be able to understand where you are coming from. Let him know your anxieties about coming home to a full house, when you will just want the baby. I think you will find that he understands and your inlaws will understand the pressures on you as a new mother. If it gets to be too difficult and it seems like they "just don't get it" you might have to sit down and have this discussion with them as well. Hopefully though before you have to go that far, your husband will have said something to them.
I don't know if this has helped at all, but I hope it has!

I hate to sound harsh but suck it up. You'll be sooo thankful that they're there to help you when you're so exhausted you can't keep your eyes open. Think of the money you're going to save on daycare for those months and just knowing that you're daughter's being taken care of by family that love her and not strangers. You'll have in home babysitters so if you and your husband want to go out too, you can! I went through the same thing, we had both of our parent cycle through for about 4 months, it was difficult at first, but happy for the help.

I know that you are feeling stressed out and anxious right now. I think that you shouldn't make any hard decisions until once the baby comes home. A baby can strengthen many strained relationships. I agree with the post about trying to rent an apartment or hotel suite. If you live in the Fairfax, va area there is one hotel near Fair Lakes that are 'suites' and rent on a weekly/monthly basis. All the ammenities of home. That would give them an opportunity for a break from the family and always having to feel the hostess. As for the length of time that they are staying, again wait until the baby comes home to make a decision. There will be a time when you will pray for someone to watch the baby for an hour or so so that you can get some much needed rest.
Good luck and take it one day at a time.
M.