Advice for 6 Year Old with Irrational Fears

This is one of those fears that are very difficult to rationalize away. I deal with this fear also, and I'm an adult! If you're a Christian, or even believe in God, you should start praying with him every night before he goes to bed, that angels would surround him and that God would fill his room with peace and comfort. I wouldn't try to tell him that people he loves won't die, because they might. But I would comfort him, acknowledge his fears, and then pray with him. My 5 year old has been taught and is really starting to put it in to practice- Mommy can comfort you, but God is really the only One who has control over anything, and He's the only One who can truly make it all better. So we've taught him that when he's scared, he needs to "run to God" by prayer before he runs to us. When he does run to us, we ask him if he has prayed yet. If he hasn't, we just simply sit down and pray with him (we're still sensitive!). This is a great life lesson, since we all have a tendency of running to everyone but the One who can truly help! Still, this is probably a phase and I think just loving him through it will greatly help (without establishing bad habits- letting him sleep with you for a few nights will quickly turn in to a war when you say no more!- and then he might start using "fears" to manipulate you and your husband, which is a tough spot to be in).
Also, maybe think of something that he's just a bit afraid of, that you think you could get him comfortable with. For example, if he's afraid of snakes, take him to a pet store and have him handle one. Talk about his fear before, during, and after (of course, you'll have to be an example and I wouldn't be a good one with snakes!- but find something you know he can get over being afraid of- climbing up a tall ladder- whatever). Teach him that by facing a fear, he can conquer it, and doesn't it feel good to not be afraid of something like that? Wasn't it silly to be so afraid of that, now that you've faced it? This will build his confidence and help him face fears in the future.

Good luck!

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You state in your letter that your children are very smart. Your child is apparently doing a lot of thinking which is not totally irrational. Our lives here on earth are short compared to the eternal life we will live one day. You can help to prepare him by praying with him and teaching him about the God who will sustain him no what comes his way. God will grant you wisdom in this area if you ask Him to. God loves both of you very much and He wants you to prepare for the life to come while there is still time.

In Christ,
L. in Flowery Branch

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I read scriptures with my children before bedtime. We have a book called Precious Moments Favorite Bible Verses book. Maybe you could check with a local Christian Book store and get this book. It is wonderful.
Two scriptures in particular have been very helpful to us.

The first one is from Proverbs 3:24 - You won't need to be afraid when you lie down. When you lie down, your sleep will be peaceful.

The Lord is good. He gives protection in times of trouble. He knows who trusts in him. (Nahum 1:7)

These two scriptures have really helped my children (6 yr old son and 4 yr old daughter). They have committed them to memory and recite them before bedtime.

I hope this helps. I also would advise you to have nightly prayers and let him express his fears in prayer before he goes to bed. This will hopefully put him at ease.

God Bless,
A. H

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It may be that while they are discussing storms, for example, tornadoes, the subject comes up as to how deadly they can be. Remember we have had some bad tornadoes in Tennessee, Alabama, Mississippi and a few in Georgia that have taken lives. It is just a guess though.

My four-year-old is doing this too. Periodically, she'll say, "Mom, I'm scared to die." I just tell her that she doesn't have to worry about that for a long while but then I tell her how wonderful Heaven is so that when she does die, she'll be SO HAPPY!!!

A good approach?

Incidentally, she also happened to catch "A Baby Story" on TLC once and was mortified to find out how the babies get out! Now, she'll whine, "Oh! I'm scared to have a baby!" I just look down at my teeny four-year-old and, though my first instinct is to say, "Keep that attitude!" (because of all the teen pregnancies we see), I refrain. I tell her that she won't have to worry about that for a long time either and how when I had her I was so happy to get to meet her, that's all I can remember. (white lie.)

Hi, I'm H. and this is my first time on here so I'll try to get this right. When I was a little girl I went through the same thing. I don't know what brought it on but I would wake up at night and think about things like that. I would start crying so loud that my mom would come in and ask me what was wrong. When I told her she would sit with me for a little bit and explain to me that she would do her very best to make sure that she was safe so she could come home to me. I would say to you to try the same thing and add that you will be doing your best to make sure you keep him safe too. Just do your best to reassure him of that and maybe it will help.

My 2 cents... I have a 12y boy and 7girl... and they are both thinkers but both communicate totally different...
My boy worries about just about everything (and has since he was 2 or 3 and talking), instead of talking about and working it out, he just lets his imagination take over and worry worry worry, we have to talk out loud about the subject like it is everyday conversation (easing the dramatic nature of it)
The girl, she thinks about everything but asks a million questions and rarely exhibits the anxiety he does...
Boys and girls certainly are different creatures, and i would chalk this up to him working through his mortality and everyone around him as well... children see and hear so much about animals and people dying even when we try to shelter them from TV, news, and general exposure. Dying is a part of the life process no matter your background or religion, I would just explain it as if it is nothing scary. At our house we go with the philosophy that while you cannot control when and where you die you can live a SAFE & HEALTHY life so as to live as long and well as possible. He is old enough to understand these basic concepts, just give him the opportunity to process the thoughts and examples help (ie. if you dont look both ways before crossing a street you could get in an accident)
Hope this helps!

My son did the same thing around that age.....even the tornado! I always put him to bed with hugs and love and Psalm 4:8. I would make him say it with me. "I will lie down and sleep in peace. For You alone, O Lord, keeps me safe." Sometimes, we'd put a tune to it. It did comfort him (and me too!) As far as death, being Christian offered LOADS of comfort. I told him God has a special plan for us to breathe (he wondered how we were going to breathe if we were dead) and talk and see and run and have more fun than he could imagine in heaven. That we would all be together having fun forever and ever....that we'd get to see the angels flying around, etc. etc. We had this conversation often but it seemed to help.

J.,

My 6 year old daughter has been asking about death and why do people die, so I completely sympathize with your situation. But I have also been preparing for this talk for a while now. Not specifically death but the fear of something bad happening.

Well my daughter fears the unknown and death is a huge unknown because, well she has never met anyone who has been dead. But the thing that is even more scary for her is what next? This is where most people, I have found in my research, first lean about an afterlife. For my family it is heaven and the wonderful reunion we will have there with our friends and family. My husband and I have explained to her that there is nothing to fear because what happens next is wonderful, and for those who are left behind, well it is a great new adventure for them.

My daughter knows that if anything should happen to Mommy and Daddy, that she and her brother will be going to live with their grandparents, aunts and uncles. So they will not be alone, they will be with people that they love, just as Mommy and Daddy will be.

As for the other fears, I would try to take away some of the unknown with them, find a story about a windy day and the tress shaking (or make on up), anything to turn it into something fun or friendly. Like I learned not to be afraid of thunder because of that song "It's raining, it's pouring, the old man is snoring..." Same sort of principle.

I hope this helps some.

Hi,

I have an 8yrold and a 15 month old and I would wonder if he is in childcare during the day when you work? If so you may want to ask what if any tv he is watching. Sometimes fears come from not knowing what is real and not real on the tv. It can be pretty real looking to a six and even an
8yr old. News updates as well will show storms tracking and tell pretty graphic stories.
Cindy

This is fairly normal for your age child. My boys were afraid of the dark, afraid to sleep in their own beds, afraid of storms, afraid of dying, etc. around this age. I don't know if you are Christian or have any religious beliefs but I finally convinced my boys that death is a part of life and that God will take care of them even if they do die. As for the storms, etc., they will grow out of it. If they got scared in the night and came to our bedroom, after they got to about 8 or 9, we did not allow them to sleep in our bed but they could sleep in the loft which is right outside our bedroom. They slept--we slept. They are now 17 and 18 and are invincible as all teenagers are (or at least they think). This too shall pass. Hang in.

I would pray with him and let him know that God is in control and give him a big Bear Hug! ! !

Wow...it's almost you took a page from my book of life!!!
I went through the exact same thing with my 7 year old about two years ago.
he was constantly afraid of dying and of me and Daddy dying. To this day, I don't know what got him on it. It got bad enough were I was ready to put him into therapy because he was stressing so much for a child his age!!!
What I did was sat down with him and talked to him about death and dying. I told him that when people die, it is just part of life and death wasn't something to be afraid of. I don't know what your religious beliefs are, but I told him when people die, they go to heaven and heaven is a place where they can play all they want, with whatever they wanted and it was a fun place to be, so it wasn't something to be afraid of.
I also explained to him that if anything happened to Daddy or me that, even though I knew he would miss us, he would be ok. I told him our plans on where he would go and who he would stay with and it seemed to ease his little mind.
After that, he was much better. However, for about 6 months he walked around pointing out every which way someone could die. (little morbid, but he grew out of it...)
Now, for the good news. This all happened when he was 5 years old. Since then, he has been tested and found out his mind is well beyond a 7 year old level. Chances are, that is what is going on with your child. Your childs mind is working to fast for him. He is grasping certain concepts, but he cannot figure out a conclusion for his ideas, so he is automatically assuming it is bad. Just answer any questions your child has and realize that just because he is 6, doesn't mean he doesn't understand. Chances are, he is above were most six year olds are.
My son turned 7 at the end of January. He is taking Algebra, Geometry, Trig, and on the third book of the Harry Potter series. So he is obviously WAY above normal children his age. Unfortunatly, I didn't realize it till last year and I viewed him as a six year old instead of a much older child stuck in a six year olds body. Once I started treating him at the level he understood instead of the level he looks like he should be in, everything changed for the better. Just make sure you don't push him. Let him work at the pace he wants to work at.
Also, when it comes to the storms, I again had the same problem with my son. It took one time of playing in the rain to get him to realize it wasn't as bad as he thought. I also explained to him the difference between weather watches and warnings and now, everytime it rains, he hops on the weather channel and looks for himself to see whats going on. If it gets to scary, he is comforted with the fact that Mommy knows what to do to keep him safe....(went over all that with him too)

I have been having the same problem with my boy who's in first grade. Since the storms have happened here in GA and the tornado warning alarms he's had much fear and even comes into our bed (which he hasn't done since he was very small, young). I know that he's also learned about it at school and he has been able to associate death with tornadoes now (which it can happen). Children are wiser then we give them credit and yes please trust he's heard about death in some fashion even at home, school, the news you may think he doesn't listen to while playing. If you've even said that Jesus died on the cross or took him to church he's heard about death it just now that he getting older he's understanding more. May I suggest a book for you so you can help and understand where he's coming from it's called Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child By John Gottman. You may notice after starting to read it that adults may have disappointed you about your feelings and we need not repeat the same to our kids. Please take this as no insult but as we get older just think you've been through was more storms then he has in and his 6 yrs of life how many storms has he heard?? He's really not very old and again at this age discovering things again in a different manner because of his level of understanding at age 6. My advise is to get this book and read it also to tell him yes there are storms, tornadoes and yes sometimes people die but you are fine..hold him he's still just your little boy...then maybe give him somethings to help him. I went and got a small CD players the hand held ones and I got some cool CD's (music he likes) with head phones and tell him he can listen to that when it rains or the wind is blowing hard because he's safe and a flash light. As far as death we've experienced it with my two older cats dying over a yr ago. I had gave them to my sister yrs ago and they've gotten old died of a resperatory illness and the other got cancer this past May, so you guessed it my sister called us and we had funerals on her patio candles and all fancy box for them, rose's being put on the grave site and all ( I hope my funeral is as nice as the cats) so my boys all three understand death they loved the cats when they went to visit and understood in their way the cats were not coming back...it was very sad the boys cried, we cried ..Was this a good idea??? well seeing that one of the cats died at our house while I was trying to nurse he back to health and I had to explain something yes it was an ok idea to be honest, so I did. I look back now and say well I'm glad it was a cat to explain death to them rather then a person. I have found remembering back as a child and now having much life experience it's really best to be honest, resent my parents being dishonest to me and minimizing or dismissing many of my fears or feelings as a child, I have found that being honest with my kids doing my best to understand, asure them has so far paid off as a better parent skill for me. Sorry to go on but I wanted to give you the details that helped me. I hope some of this helps you, I too still have my oldest son coming in and wanting to be with me accept I say I know it's a storm get your CD player and flashlight and come sit with me rather then forcing him to go it alone to receive comfort is better for both of us I think in time my son will get over this if not then I will seek other help but remember there are adults that fear storms, flying in plains, heights and the dark. I think that if you also like me get some tools to help him with this he may not be an adult with some of those fears. My best wishes are with you (rain or shine).

It (I think) is normal for children to go through this. When they first find out that death of humans is iminent, it confuses them and frightens them. If it were me, I would let him stay in your bed for a few nights, and upon waking, say something like "see, were all here, just like yesterday". And although it may take awhile to set in, eventually, he will realize that death of someone in the immediate family is quite rare. But, he is genuinely scared, so comfort him, reassure him, cuddle and love him, so he feels safe.

Oh Love! i wish i could just hug u both. F.E.A.R is false- evidence- appearing- real and the only way to combat the minds power is with the power of the Spirit. He has to get a relationship with The Creator. ask him. who makes the trees and birds and sunshine and who put u n ur mommy's belly< God did All That. And U R extra specialto God and If U pray and ask God to make u strong and keep u safe then, He will.......

Many Blessings and i pray that all the fears is overcome within ur Family

It could be a sign of separation anxiety. To alleviate this you shouldn't make a big deal when you leave or get home, and if you leave him with a babysitter or anything make it a positive experience.

I had bad nightmares when I was little and my mom made me write a letter to a "blue Fairy" and I asked her for good dreams. My promised me she is gonna throw the letter out of the window at night and "blue fairy will pick it up. I slept great since then, but years later I found the letter in my moms closet! I felt betrayed and I could believe that my mommy would lye to me! I felt like I couldnt trust anyone! Recently I asked about it, and now its just a funny story, but then I was crushed! So what ever u choose to tell yr son, tell him the truth.