Advice About Whether or Not to Have Another Baby

Hello A.!

Enjoy your 3 and see what type of Mom you are. If you don't mind staying at home, then go ahead. If you are the "do it all" type of Mom, you will only spread yourself too thin with more.

Are you able to put braces on 4 kids? Shoes every two months? College? What are your insurance options for medical? Will you be able to juggle sports and musical instruments?
We as Moms, don't think of these things, but now that my kids are getting older, I am going broke just paying for their yearbooks and school pictures... it all adds up.

Think of how you want your quality of life to be for your kids. Also, think about your relationship with your husband. Are you depending on him for total support with kids, or are you the caregiver and he the provider? The biggest conversation has got to be brought to the table. You don't want a "super Nanny" situation, because hubby isn't helping you out.

Your marriage will change with each additional child. Nurture your marriage. And everything will be okay....It's okay to go on dates.... it sounds like you are surrounded by little people and I hope you find the time to be "A.".

If you have a good support system, then go for it. If not, consider your hands full and enjoy the magical times your little ones are offering you..

Try to ask yourself these questions, before you decide.

Blessings to you and your family!

Shell..
Do you go on dates with hubby? I see

HI - no advice on how to figure out what is best, but just comments on our experience. When I turned 38, I had 3 gorgeous healthy kids ages 10, 6, and 4. My husband and I were in the same dilema as you guys. I thought for sure we were done but kept having that nagging feeling of what would a 4th child do to our dynamics. The other thing for us was that all of our kids were born out of state and away from family. We both love babies, and the toddler stage but there's that other question of am I playing roulette with having another healthy child. Would that be fair to them? Well at age 40, we were still kicking the idea around. We finally said, let's leave it up to God and if it's meant to be, it's meant to be. So the next month we were carrying our 4th child. Move forward, and we now have 4 gorgeous healthy children, and I love the dynamics as they are. As you mentioned, I love watching the interaction between all of them. So now we have two boys, 14 and 10, and two girls 8 and 2, and I wouldn't change a thing. I'm not enjoying the potty training as she's fighting it, but everything is wonderful! Good luck in whatever you decide.

Hi A.!
I say have another child:-) If you and your hubby can afford to feed, clothe and shelter another child then go for it! I'm very much pro-life. However, I was told by a doctor that my hubby and I only have a 5% chance of getting pregnant and we've been trying for almost 6 years. So I say "more power to you" to any woman who can have children and wants them. At the same time, A., I wonder if you've thought about becoming a foster parent or even an adoptive parent. We adopted through International Christian Adoptions in Temecula, CA. Take care and God bless you!

No one can tell you what is right for your family, but the input can help you decide.
My thought is why do you have to decide this right now, your baby is only 6 months if your girls are 2 years apart why can't these last 2 be 2 years apart or even 3 years? My girls are 5 years and are best friends. I think alot of how close your family is has to do with the family activities you do together. Not there ages. I agree if you are looking forward to less toys in a near future then you might want this next one sooner then later. And as far as rooms go if you can fit another bed or crib in the room go for it now while your girls won't care that they are sharing a room with their brother (or brothers).
I think you are amazing if you can handle all these little ones at the same time. My Aunt had 4 under 4. She was 42 when she started and knew that if they wanted a family they needed to do it fast so the first 3 were planned the last one a surprize. It seemed she had one in a back pack one in her front pack and one in a stroller at all times. She says everyone is capable of doing this, but it all happened so fast that she couldn't tell you when you cut your first tooth or when you toke your first step. But when it comes right down to it that doesn't matter as much as the things the kids remember. Because after all it's all about making memories with them. Good luck with your choice either way it will be perfect for your family. J.

I think it's a little like falling in love. You don't know what you're missing until you get it. Then you think, How did I ever get along with out them. Children are always a blessing. Now that I'm older, I sometimes wish I had at least one more. You can never have too much love in your home...and that's what children are. Good luck. Whatever you decide (together), will be the right choice for your family.

Hi A.,

I've been going through the same thing for the past year. The only difference is my husband does not want another child. We have two wonderful boys that are 11 and 6. We waited along time to have another (not our choice, just didn't happen) We were thrilled when we found out. It was hard for me to start all over again. We are a busy family also with sports and school. I am a sahm but still find it hard at times to do it all. I would love to have a girl but love the time I have with my boys. They are getting older so we all go bike riding and I have a little more time for walks in the morning. My husband worries about college. It's a tough time to think about having another child, with all that is going on in the world. If you have STRONG feelings and you don't feel overwhelmed right now. I say go for it. As for me, I would love to adopt (give a child who is already in this world a better life). I'm not to sure I can convince my husband though. I think I'll end up with a Yorkie when my 6 year old is about 9 LOL. Enjoy your kids they grow up tooo fast.

S..

Dear A.: I'm inspired to share the story of my step-sister and her husband who had 6 kids in a small one (yes ONE) bedroom house. The bedroom was large and the couple slept on a futon in the living room. They were eventually able to add two bedrooms downstairs and then had another child. Their oldest children have begun to leave home and -wow- what great kids they've all turned out to be. My stepsister so loved having children - even though her husband practically freaked out every time. I myself am expecting my 6th at 38 and will be done after this. I've noticed that when we had our 5th my 4 girls shared a medium-sized bedroom and they all seemed rather happy with that arrangment. We don't take fancy vactations or eat out a lot, but in a month or so each of my children will have 5 sisters for the rest of their lives! (I have all girls, including the one in utero)If you think long-term, about the relationships and the help that each of your children will be to each other and you and your husband as you all grow older, the significant challenges of pregnancy and lots of little kids close together begins to look a little different. God bless you!

I cannot relate to your indecision, because for me it was very clear. My husband and I had planned to have a big family. I am one of 7 and I love my big family. My husband just loves kids and couldn't wait to have a baseball team of his own (slight exaggeration). But after I had my first, I said NO MORE. I was completely unprepared for the difficulties of parenthood. But I really didn't want my firstborn to be an only-child, and while we were still pondering, along came #2! And I still say, NO MORE! We're in the process of getting one (or both!) of us fixed because I am completely certain that I cannot handle any more. But if you are not sure, and your hubby is in agreement, I would say "Go for it!" Big families are a blessing (even though yours is not all that big, but could be considered so in our day). I regret that I don't want more. My two little boys (ages 3 and 2) absolutely adore each other and I would love to give them a baby sister or brother, they are both crazy about babies, but they would need another mommy because I couldnt handle it!
You have time to think about it, as you said. You will need to consider the rooming situation because 4 kids might be a little tight in one room:) But if you and your husband are up for it, I think 4 is a perfect number (or more if you wanted to keep going!) Your children are blessed to have parents who love the "chaos."

A.,
That is a tough personal decision! I will just give my two cents, no judgement. Consider that as we get older, the risks go up considerably for having mulitples and children with downs, etc. Also, a neighbor of mine was in your exact same situation, and decided to get pregnant....well, she ended up having triplets!!!!!!!! can you imagine? LOL
We have a four year old boy and a 6 month little angel girl and I feel blessed with that. As others said, I do love to see the interaction between them. My husband would love another (he is the youngest of 5). We pretty much decided that if we do decide we would like another child, that we will try to adopt. Think of all the children around the world that are unwanted and need a loving home? Plus I think it would teach my own children a lot. Whatever you decide, good luck!

If you can't imagine not having all 3 you have now, that's exactly how you would still feel after #4. I have 5 kids, and it was so amazing and wonderful to me to see how excited the older kids were to welcome each new baby. Of course this is a decision you and your husband need to make together. Think deeply, then go with what you two decide.

A.,
My daughter has 3 boys, 9yrs old, 4yrs old, and 3yrs old. She loves them all, but it is exhausting at times, as you well know. I only had two children, a daughter and a son. I tease my daughter sometimes and tell her that she has two hands and one foot to get the kids, but she still needs a leg to stand on. They had thought about having another child, and chose not to do so. Basically, because of finances and space in their home. I believe every time you add a child to your home, the mother has much more to do and keep track of. The father doesn't have to be on call 24/7 as the mother does. Even if your husband is very helpful, that still isn't the same as taking care of the children when they are ill, hungry, school work, after school activities, doctors appts., dental appts., trips to the E.R. Shopping and buying clothes for the children, making the food stretch and the money, etc. Also, your husband and you will have to really work on having time alone. Do you have a grandma or grandpa available to help with the children? Do you have a babysitter that can handle all the children? I am not trying to be negative. I just want you to weigh everything before you decide to bring a child into this world. They are so precious and once you have them, you will have them for the rest of your life and their lives. It does not end at 18 years old. You will always worry and care about them. The love is always there. It is alright to think about what you want, besides what your husband wants. Together, I am sure you two will be able to come to some kind of decision that will satisfy both of you.

You will be in my prayers,

E.:)

go by how you feel

look at it this way too...someday in the future you will have to get another place anyways because after a certain age....the boy will need to be seperated from the girls. though i have 3 girls (6, 5, 1) and one boy (3)...currently they too share a room...with the exception of the youngest...she stays in our room. we do feel our 2 bedroom house is crowded so we are just keeping an eye out for a good deal on another place (even to just rent) though...we are already expecting another in december...its really pushing us for a deadline. we figured the best thing for us is to keep positive...if you keep positive...positive things will come.
well best of luck in what ever you choose

Your reluctance should be your indicator; just reread your post.

I'm 38 and about to have my third child (the first two are 4.5 and 2.75 years old). I would love to have a fourth child, but I'll just have to see what our situation is at the time, but mostly my physical, mental, and emotional state. If momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy.

We live in a two-bedroom apartment, but hope to purchase a house in the next year, so there should be more room if we decide to have another one.
Concerning toys, we are constantly giving to charity because my inlaws love to send us toys. I tell my children that we are giving these toys to children who have nothing. The reduced amount of toys means more appreciation AND, most importantly, 'everything has a place, everything in its place', they are able to clean everthing up themselves, really. I just delegate.
I remind them that if they can't put their toys away, they must have too many and we have to downsize. My older child has no problem with that and actually requests "downsizing", in order to have less work.

So, I think you know what you want, now it's just a matter of reconciling that with your husband's wishes.

Good luck

HI A. -
What a wonderful choice you have! Again no advise, just words on my own experience. My kids now are 6, 5 & 3 1/2. I truly wanted a 4th but my hubby couldn't see past the immediate chaos of the house (which is too small, only 3 bedrooms. 2 kids share a room). Fast forward 3 years and boy, wish we had done it! The kids all play together really well, but 3 is an odd # and there are plenty of times when they pair of leaving an odd one out. I almost always end up taking another child with us on outings to keep things even. It wouldn't be that much harder to be completely responsible for another child and often your own is easier to tolerate! Also, the little one would love to have a roommate like his sisters. Of course, 4 pregnancies is h*** o* the body and 4 kids is a lot of work, but if you and your hubby are up for it then it's worth it.
Good luck either way, your life it seems is very blessed!

I can't tell you anything except to do what feels right, and don't let your husband pressure you- sure, he has a say, too, but you're the one who spends the most time with the kids and if the thought of adding one more to the mix makes you crazy, then you might want to stop. However, my mom had 4, and she said the 3rd is always the hardest (I think I heard the Duggar mom say the same thing, you know, that mom who has 17 kids), and after that you don't notice the difference. But if you don't want to move, is it realistic to have all four kids in one room, or one in your room for longer than ideal? I know how you feel, I want a lot of kids too and I don't have any reservations about whether or not I could handle them- the only things stopping me are the financial burden and my husband and I's obvious inability to plan our pregnancies (both were accidents, but happy ones!) so after this one he's getting tied up- so far we've been lucky, but I don't know how we would handle it if we happened to get pregnant during a bad time in our lives. Anyway... I hope I helped, but the only ones who can make this decision are you and your husband (and personally I think the mom has more say because she carries the baby and, in most cases, spends the most time with them).

No way!! U sound hesitant, and u r the one that would be affected the most. YOur life is very full now. Enjoy the moments!!

Hi
Well, we thought we were done after 2...we are due early next year with...drumroll...#5!
So, we struggled with all of those issues also, but we let God take over (and he has provided everything and them some) and we would not change a huge family for anything!! But be sure that you and your husband are on the same page in feelings too.
COngrats on your family and best wishes on your future.

It sounds like you have your hands full already. If you don't feel like anybody is missing from the family, I'd just enjoy the blessings you already have. On the other hand, if you feel like you'd regret not having another, go for it. Good luck whatever you decide! :)

This is a tough question, one that people are apparently very passionare about!
These are my thoughts on the subject, I'll try to present them in a kind, respectful, objective, and non-emotional way:

My DH & I made the decision to only have 2 for several reasons (too many to list really). In our society I feel having children (be it 1st, 5th, 18th etc.) is an emotional one because there really aren't any practical reasons to have them in the 1st place, just IMHO. We don't live on fronteer farms where we need them to work, or live in plague ridden or war torn times when masses of the population are wipped out (we do have diseases and wars but not to devistation point as in the past). Or loose 3 or 4 during the childbirth process.

Even though my DH and I are DONE having kids, I'd be lying if I said there wasn't a tiny part of me that isn't very sad at the thought that I'll never feel a little baby move inside me again, or holding a tiny newborn, nursing a little baby, experiencing their 1st year. My DD is almost 15 months and I try to relish each day, cherish each milestone, soak in every new discovery she has, because it'll never come again for me.

I know my mother even at 62 years still has the desire for a baby, she even looked into adoption as recently as 5 years ago, but couldn't get an infant because of her age; but she still longs for one of her own, so I suspect the urge to have a baby never goes away for some of us.

At 35 the statistics are stacked against us, I say "us" because I didn't have my 1st until I was 35 (had my 2nd at 38) so you really have to take that into consideration. If you did have a baby with an issue how would it affect your family? Not likely since you have 3 healthy kids, but you do need to consider it. Or what if you got twins? They say the chances for having twins increases w/ age. Then there's the motto, if it's not broke, why fix it? (your family in this case).
But then again I'm looking at it from a "practical" point of view, and as I said, having kids isn't a practical decision.
If you do decide to go for it, sounds like your in a really great position to do so, and God Bless. Nothing has enriched my life as much as having my two precious ones, and if my DH and I got a suprise baby, I'm sure it would (eventually) be looked upon as a blessing (as I think all babies are).

A.,
Well I have 7 children so you can imagine what advice I am going to give you. Based on what you said in your request, it sounds to me like you kind of answered your own question. I do not think that you would ever regret having gone through perhaps some struggles to get to the 4th child, but I do think that you would regret never having another child. I know that you can give yourself reasons for not having one, like for instance you say that your house is too small, however think of the many blessing that a family can receive in the process of growing together. It might sound crazy, but you said yourself that you and your husband love your chaotic life equally. 3, 4, 5, 6, 7 kids not much different, just more joyful!!!!!!! You'd be surprised how God works in your life when you step out in faith and trust that it will all turn out ok. It will be an unexpected raise, or promotion or job offer that you would have never even imagined.
I share this with you because I have seen God work this way in our lives. It seems like just about every time we found out we were having another baby my husband would report "I get a raise next pay period" or wow we get a big bonus tax return this timeor it's something else like we're selling that trailer we never use anymore. We lived in a small house when we had 6 kids,in a 3 bedroom, and crazily moved to another 3 bedroom with a big lot, and for 2 years have been going through a remodel that my husband pretty much had to do himself. We have been living in the same room for a year now, all 9 of us. You know it has been very chaotic at times but you know the graces and character that my children ,my husband and myself have gained are priceless. We are soon to enjoy our 5 bedroom 3 bathroom house,(still modest for a family of 9) however our dream!!and wow do we appreciate every bit of it. Good Luck making the right decision. You'll know in your heart what is right. God Bless you and your family. You are already truely blessed right now!!!!!

Most important, I think is if you will still be able to stay home and raise them yourself. ALso think about logistics and $ with cars, college, going out to eat, vacations... PRAY

Hello A.- from just up the road in the Santa Ynez Valley! I have to say- I don't have an answer, just an observation. If I am reading your post correctly, it feels like you were happy with two children, and you gave your husband his wishes with a third. If even the thought of a fourth is exhausting, it sounds as if you are ready to move on to a new phase of life. I wish you peace with whatever you decide.
S.

Hi A.,

Congrats on the great family! It sounds like you have a lot to deal with now with 3 little kids and since you are not sure, why don't you wait and see how you feel in six months or a year? You still have some time. You've got girls and a boy so nothing is missing from your family if you decide not to do it.

I only have one child by choice (I was 39 at the time). He is the love of my life. My husband wanted and still wants another baby. However, I know my limitations and I know I could not handle having another baby. I explained this to my husband and he understood my reasons especially since I was not able to stay home with the baby (my husband was the stay at home parent). Another baby would just be too much stress for me (not to mention the guilt my son gives me for working). If it is your husband who really wants another baby and you are not sure, I'm sure he'll be understanding if you feel you cannot do it again.

Good luck!

A. I think you already answer your own questions/dilemas. It seems that right now is probably not a good idea.

Hi A., This is a personal choice, we can tell you tea have another baby, but were not going to be there to help you. I had my last child at 32, I didn't really want kids after 30 but I was 26 when i had my first baby, but I had two boys, and really wanted a daughter, and so did my husband so we tried a third time for a girl and we got her, the thing I likes was the year I turned 50 she turned 18, so that's something to think about, and the time is going to come where your son can no longer share a room with his sisters, I think the law thought not really inforced is at 5 same sex children can not share a room, I know in Military Housing that's a rule. Hope this helped. J.

Dear A.,
I think you'll be biting off more than our society(much less you)can chew! There is not enough food in our world already.
I think you and your husband should consider:
Over-population
lack of employment/jobs vs.population
diminished resources
food prices-have doubled in the last 3 years and won't get better-have a look at-www.world clock/food clock by Peter Russell
Then weigh your childs furure...and your existing childrens !!
I know not many folks talk about it but--0 population growth.
Good Luck on whatever you both decide, And God bless!
C. S.

It sounds like you have a lovely and blessed family! Congratulations to all of you! I don't want to be negative, however, my husband and I have a little joke that I would like to share with you. I have always wanted two children and now that we have them, our family can't stop joking about "just one more". Personally, it is a non-issue for me. I have my two and I am totally content. However, what we say to people when they tell us to have more is: If God had wanted us to have more kids, He would have put more rooms in our house. (Another one-liner I like to use is, "Just because you can, doesn't mean you should.") Yeah, it's a joke, and not really funny at that, but I think it raises an important point. When you have children, it's for the long haul. Not only do you need to love them, you also need to provide for them. As calloused as it sounds, it is a reality. I would encourage you to look fully at your circumstances and evaluate whether you can afford to have another child. Do you want all four of them in a room? How soon will you be able to get another house? Are you going to save for college? Obviously, there is no right or wrong answer. Every family is different (there are some families that love little but have a lot of money and there are others who love lots but don't have that much in the way of things) but, you do need to have some sort of idea or plan about this. Also, there is the time and energy it takes to care for another child. As a mother of three, you know that it is no small thing. It sounds like you have love in spades but, underneath all of that, you are aware of how tiring it can be. Personally, I would urge you to rest and love the ones you have. At the very least, give yourself more time and I am positive an answer will come to you. It sounds like you feel rushed and that is the worst way to make such an important decision.