Adult Sibling Relationships

Updated on August 31, 2015
K.S. asks from Littleton, CO
19 answers

I'm hoping I'm not alone here, but you know how when you have a problem it can feel like no one else in the world has that problem? That's how I'm feeling. So the background is that I have a brother and twin sisters, we're all close in age. We were very close growing up, all got along really well. As we got older and got married and had families of our own, things have changed a lot. My sisters both live on the east coast (about 3 hours from each other), and my brother and I live in CO (about 20 minutes apart). We are all in our 40s now. Things changed a lot due to spouses. My husband can't stand my BILs, and really isn't a fan of my siblings period. I don't like the BILs either, but accept that they are part of the package. I don't think my siblings really like my husband, and once they got married and their spouses didn't get along with him, it really cemented it. There are other issues between many combinations of siblings/in laws, so it's not just us- just not a big harmonious tribe. So that all came to a head a few years back, and I finally told my siblings that I cared about them, and while I wished everyone could just get along, I accept that there are issues with everyone's spouses, but none of us can fix all of that and I still want to have relationships with everyone. They all agreed and things have settled with those issues a bit.

One of my sisters just came out for a visit this past week. My parents live here as well, and I know she wanted her and her daughter to see them as they are getting older and are not in great health. The visit was okay, but just okay. She didn't really seem like she wanted to interact much, and for the first time I actually felt like maybe she doesn't like me, and didn't care to take an interest in anything about me. I was sad when she left, but not in the 'sad because I'll miss her way,' more like sad because we just don't seem close.

The frustrating thing is that there are no specific issues between any of us. No reason to cut each other out of our lives, no major dysfunction. Just not really that close anymore. One thing that hurts me is that the twins are really close to each other (as I would expect) and see each other often. My brother has sort of drifted away from our family to spend more time with his wife's family. So I feel like I'm here on an island- every sibling has someone they are close to, except me. (my husband's family is in AZ).

I guess what I am hoping to hear is from those of you who can relate to this. No deep, dark, heavy issues with family, but not close, easy, fun relationships. I don't know how to live with how I feel. As I said, because there is nothing really toxic, there would be no reason to sever relationships. I just never thought it would feel like this, I had higher expectations about my adult relationships with siblings. Is it possible to just have cordial relationships with siblings? How can you move past the disappointment of what you hoped would be to accept what is? I guess that's the part I am struggling with. I don't want to be sad every time I see them and relive the disappointment. I want to accept things and be fine with whatever. Anyone ever manage that?

The final piece of my worry is for my daughter. I was also hoping she would have relationships with her cousins as they got older. I don't see how that will possibly happen given the state of the parents relationships. I don't want to set her up for the same disappointment that I feel.

Thanks in advance for reading and lending your perspective!

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So What Happened?

Wow everyone. I am so grateful for your heartfelt responses and sharing your stories. I cannot tell you how much it helped to read through them. I'm getting the feeling I may need to just accept this. :-) Seriously, though, your stories and perspective are spot on- I need to let go of what I thought things would look like or what they should be. And that doesn't make things bad, just different. And as some of you suggested, I'm sure my husband has not helped. When he really voiced his contempt for them, I felt split, and like I needed to side with him because you should always choose the spouse. However, as time went on and I realized there was nothing awful that was done to him, I needed to be loyal to him but it was ok to tell him I accept his feelings, but ask him to not interfere with me maintaining relationships. So yes, this hasn't helped things, but I don't think it would be a ton better regardless. Anyway, I feel SO much better about things. I will keep making an effort to keep lines of communication open, but I will not waste time wishing for something that won't be. And I love what you all said about my daughter- she will only think she is missing out if I make her think she is. That's huge- I will NOT do that to her. She is loved by many and I will encourage her to make a 'family' out of people of her choosing- relatives or not. Heck, I will take that advice as well. Thank you again, from the bottom of my heart.

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M.D.

answers from Pittsburgh on

What you describe sounds totally normal to me. I think it's rare for siblings to be best friends as adults. I guess I've always has different expectations so I've been very happy that my siblings and I have cordial relationships as adults. I never expected us to be best friends and I see so many siblings who can't get along that I'm thankful we haven't gone that road. I guess it's all a matter of perspective

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E.B.

answers from Beaumont on

My first thought is why don't the siblings just have an annual 3 or 4 day lake getaway vacation and bring the kids?? If that were my situation, that would probably be my effort to keep some sort of ties. Who comes, comes. You can't do any more than that.

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D.B.

answers from Boston on

I've read your prior posts re family members (mother, siblings) and so I'm looking at the whole picture. I think it helps to understand that what you share with these people is a childhood upbringing and some DNA, but not much that's current. You really wouldn't choose each other if you met now, and quite a few of those who have married into the family aren't the least bit interested in finding something fun, admirable or worthwhile in the others. So it's not much different than looking back at your childhood friends that you moved past in high school, the high school friends you left behind for college, and the college friends you left behind when you got married or got a job.

What really needs to happen among the 4 siblings is that they have to be able to get along and communicate when it's time for the parents to go into assisted living or into the hospital, or to be able to get along when someone dies. Honestly, that's where it can get very ugly.

My mother moved to my town 14 years ago to live independently but near family. She could have gone to CA where my brother lives, but she opted not too because of their lifestyle, values, religious fervor, and tendency to pick up and move. My brother moved 3000 miles away from us all on the east coast because he didn't want to be a part of this life. My mother's brother and my father's brother each did the same thing, moving far away from family. So be it.

My mother had a great life here, traveled with Elder Hostel and Global Volunteers, and participated in our holidays, my son's sporting/school events, and so on. A few years ago, she fell and broke her shoulder, needed surgery and a whole lot of rehab. Her history of falls became obvious to the professionals providing her care (I had known about it for a long time and had talked to her doctor) and she was in a position of no longer being able to deny her condition. So she got all fired up about the intrusions of people into her life, but her senior building staff required that she have some help rather than be a danger to herself. I had no say over that. She had some mental decline, invented "memories" of my and my family stealing her stuff and letting in the "rehabbers" (rehab therapists) who also stole her stuff. No one stole anything - she either agreed to give up some dangerous furniture like swivel chairs, or she misplaced things like her keys and wallet (later to find them). My brother decided to swoop in like the brilliant problem-solver, and the two of them decided to move her out to CA into a new building. She gave up friends, freedom, church, doctors, activities, etc. and moved into an isolated senior community with nothing accessible (no church, no stores, no post office, blah blah). She got no help - there's a pool in her complex and she hasn't been able to find it in almost 2 years. She's gone downhill cognitively with great rapidity, and is now in a locked "memory care" unit for people with dementia and a tendency to wander. She is miserable and falling apart, without much time left. When she dies, maybe my brother will inform me, but I have no say in anything. He and she had the will changed so I'm not even in it. I don't care about the inheritance, just the principle of the thing.

So my point is, if you can avoid that sort of scenario, you're ahead of the game.

If your daughter doesn't have a relationship with her cousins, that's her responsibility and theirs once they become college age or beyond. But wanting her to be close to them just because of DNA is like wanting to be close to your siblings just because of DNA. That's no guarantee of having much in common in terms of personality, values, common ground, etc.

So what ARE you doing to create a sense of community with her? Do you have wonderful friends who celebrate holidays and birthdays with you? Does she have a sense that she is part of something bigger? Does she know that there are people who love her for who she is and what she stands for, not because they are "assigned" a relationship on a family tree? That's what I would strive for if I were you - that's what we've done with our son, to give him a sense of belonging and of community.

That's all you can do, and it's plenty. Relationships, like flowers, grow if they are watered and watched over. If no one in your family is willing to put anything into the in-law connections, then of course they aren't flourishing. But maybe they are inhospitable to each other, like plants that can't be grown too close together or which require different soil and light conditions. I wouldn't waste any more time being wistful about this - you and your husband have chosen your own path, your brother has chosen his with his wife, and the twins have chosen theirs with their husbands. This isn't about geography. This is about chemistry.

I'm sorry that you are sad about this but I hope you will move toward something positive that you can be glad about, and not see it as a poor substitute. It honestly doesn't sound like your daughter is missing out on much except a fantasy that so many of us have about "family" who are really just "relatives" after all.

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D.D.

answers from Boston on

I'm not really close with my brothers but we all text each other every week or so. 'How you doing" "Hot one today" 'Just finished the best pancakes ever'. Basically just silly stuff or sending off a picture of something for no reason other than to say Hi thinking of you. I invite everyone to my house for holiday meals every single year. If they come that's great. If they don't then I text a picture of the set table filled with food to let them know that they are missed.

One of my brothers lives in another country. I message him on fb every week or so and skype once a month.

What I'm saying is that you have to make the effort constantly to stay in touch. Its not hard but you need to be the one that steps up to do it.

5 moms found this helpful

T.S.

answers from San Francisco on

How do you move past it? You accept it, that's all.
Life is full of disappointments, large and small.
When you keep expecting something, or for someone to be a certain way, even though it's obvious they don't share the same expectations as you, it's just kind of foolish, and a waste of time and emotional energy.

And I don't understand the "worry" for your daughter, doesn't she have a full life, with many people who love her? If your extended family isn't interested in spending time with her well that's THEIR loss, not hers. I seriously doubt your daughter is sitting around thinking "I wish I knew my cousins better." Hell, my kids had a blast with their cousins when they were all little but they all changed so much by the time they hit high school they don't even really talk much anymore, even with all the social media, because they all have their own lives and friends and interests.

Please, LET IT GO. You will be so much happier when you focus on the love and family and friends you have and stop worrying about how you think things "should" be!

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B.C.

answers from Norfolk on

It's not like in the old days when whole families - aunts, uncles, cousins, etc all live within a block or two of each other.
Families are spread out across the country and over multiple continents too.
Everyone needs to bloom where they've landed - you make friends and distant family often drifts away.
There's nothing wrong with that.
We all move forward - and we should - because standing still means stagnation.
Your daughter will have relationships - and it's ok that it probably won't be with cousins.

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A.J.

answers from Williamsport on

Hmmm. I am not terribly close to my parents, and I never speak to my brother. Like you, no major turmoil, we're just all very different. So we tolerate each other politely and keep visits to a minimum, which is easy because they all live far away. Some possible causes: I'm adopted...which may be why there isn't a stronger "blood" tug at the heart strings..I've never understood people who cleave unto dysfunctional relatives because it's "family". My mom remarried a Christian fundamentalist and turned extremely right wing politically. She believes I'm going to hell no matter what I do. It's hard to bond with that mentality. My dad is nice enough, but has low patience for imperfection and hectic little kids, and after about two hours, we've said all we need to say to each other to catch up...so..meh. We CAN spend time together, but it's an effort. My brother and I have nothing in common at all and lead completely different lives. But we got along great as kids and still get along OK on rare occasions we see each other.. It does't really make me sad, because I'm so busy and don't feel family is imperative.

BUT. If it DID make me sad and I wanted it to change, I could change it by trying much harder with all of them. Family members are like friends: You have to work at the relationships. If I called my mom more, wrote more, visited more, and spent a lot more time on her terms, we'd be closer. Her other family members through her husband are all extremely close to her. If I called my dad more and visited he and his wife more and worked at fitting in with that dynamic: We'd be closer. They're close to my step sisters who do that and they love me too. I could reach out to my brother and be in his life more. I could go down to Florida and experience his beach and kiteboarding world, and maybe one day I will....

I'm 45 so I've been out and away from family a long time, and everyone has matured and changed separately.

So anyway. I get it that there are some issues with spouses not clicking. But you almost sound like you feel you are all automatically supposed to be close forever just because you're family. Like when those obligatory family visits come up, you should all just click like best friends. But as adults, our best friends are the people we keep current with energetically. I just talked for 2 hrs catching up on phone with my best friend because it's been a couple of weeks since I checked in with him (he's gay and sensitive, so similar to female friend in that way). We've spoken regularly since waiting tables together 20+ years ago. I tell him everything about my life and vice versa.. I haven't talked to my dad or mom in months.

If you take it upon yourself (since no one else will) to become more of a friend and initiate more contact that leads to more closeness with your sibs, you can probably improve this if it means a lot to you.

Your daughter won't be traumatized if you aren't. You either don't see the cousins much and thats OK (like my kids and their cousins-rarely seen but they get along great when they see them) or you make a point to get those cousins together more. It doesn't sound like your sibs would reject you.

Side note: Spouses don't always need to be attached at hip. Try to spend some attention on just sibs if it simplifies things.

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M.P.

answers from Grand Forks on

Well as you can see you're clearly not alone. I have one brother, five years older and he's 3000 miles away. He left 15 years ago, got married and has been home about five times. His family now (wife's family) is really all he acknowledges. I love him and of course miss him but there's no bad blood or anything. We occasionally email, text or fb an inside joke we had but beyond that, pretty much nothing. He came home when Mom was sick and then for her funeral but nothing since and that was six years ago. I can't afford to visit him. It sucks. I have struggled for years with a family I don't have. No mom and only sibling is a million miles away....but...I don't know, I just realize this is how it is. It doesn't make sense and for sure not what I wanted...but not much I can do or have control over. I have friends I call family and embrace my son, wishing he had what I did and sorry he'll never know his grandmother or uncle, both whom I love so much. But life goes on honey. Nobody will will take their places for you or for me but you do the best you can with what you have. I don't know how to be more encouraging, I'm sorry, but good luck with handling this better. Everything's gonna be alright.

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❤.M.

answers from Los Angeles on

I have found as we age, get married, move, have kids....our relationships
change.
Most of the time it can't be helped.
Especially when you have the input of those married to your siblings.
Distance isn't easy. Especially that far away.
I no longer try to force it. I accept that I can't change the changes.
I do what I can & what I want. I no longer go overboard trying to keep everyone close. I'm not the "life director". It's not up to me. I just gave up.
We see each other occasionally. When I did need something, sibling was
there for me but we are just on different life paths. I no longer get sad or
wistful. It's just a fact of life.
When I'm called, I talk.
When I am sent a card (if I'm lucky), I return one.

Don't be sad, don't relive the disappointment. Try to let it go. Chalk it up to
busy lives. Focus on your own immediate family. Carry out fun, family
traditions, start new ones. Get together with friends in your area. Get busy,
keep busy, meet new friends.

If you continue to be overly sad, seek a counselor to speak to that can give you perspective & the professional tools to move past this.

Know you are not alone.

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K.C.

answers from Los Angeles on

I feel just like you. My brother has chosen to separate himself from our family for no real reason, other than he just doesn't feel like he should have to talk to us just because we're family. No fights, no big problems, no obvious reason why he isn't interested anymore. We used to be pretty close - talked a lot and saw each other regularly. We used to live a few blocks apart, but now we live on opposite sides of the country. Still, we used to visit each other a few times a year and that doesn't happen anymore either. It's really sad. Part of the problem is his wife, who no one in my family likes, but she is not the main reason. I have told him how sad it makes me, and how sad I am not to know my niece, and how much I wish my kids would know their cousin, but he just doesn't care.

My sister is also on the opposite coast from me, though not really near my brother. She and I talk/email occasionally. We aren't close, but never really were even growing up. We have a good relationship though. I see her about once a year, partly though because I live super close to my parents and she comes to visit them (and me, but if my parents lived somewhere else, she would go to them and not to me).

I am starting to accept it with my brother. I tell myself that it's nothing I have done and there is nothing I could have changed to make it different. The problem is 100% with him. It is sad that my kids don't know their uncle and cousin, but I don't think it's ever going to change.

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C.T.

answers from Santa Fe on

My family is not super close either. My family is so disfunctional though...I do not mind that we do not see each other that often. I don't really feel sad about it...just accepting. We do try to keep in touch and get together every now and then. Why not try to make a point of calling each of your siblings once a month just to chat and catch up. Ask them all about what is going on in their life, etc. At some point call each one and say you really miss them and why not try to make it a point to all get together every 3rd year or so...maybe at someone's house or maybe renting a large house on the beach or somewhere pretty for a summer vacation. You can start the conversation and maybe you can all agree on a year/place. Maybe if you try to get together more often you will keep your connection with them. At the very least the cousins will all get together and enjoy each other.

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R.K.

answers from Boston on

Three thoughts for you:
1. I understand. There are relatives who do not seem to want to be "family" with us. It hurts.
2. Everyone is correct that we have to practice accepting what is. Try to think well of each of them. Wish them well. Keep lines of communication open. Understand that it is entirely possible that years from now relationships will bloom, when you least expect it.
3. Whatever you model for your daughter will likely become her concept of relationships. If you worry about what she is missing, she will too. If you model being kind and accepting of your siblings, she will likely learn those attitudes.
My best to you.

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M.D.

answers from Washington DC on

I am one of 5 and am close with all of my siblings. Yes, they drive me insane at times, but they are my best friends. My older sister lives 8 hours away but we talk several times per week, I visited several times a year before my husband lost his job, and she comes to visit here. I am not a huge fan of her husband, but that doesn't interfere with my relationship with her. Same with my younger sister. She knows the whole family can't stand her husband - and he doesn't care for us either to be honest - but I am very close with her still.

I have two brothers younger than me but older than the baby sister. The one 19 months younger than me I haven't spoken to in a month. He put my 12 year old in tears over his wedding (coming up in 3 weeks) and I am so baffled by his lack of caring for anyone other than his wife-to-be. He has had two best men walk away from him as well...the wife-to-be leaves a lot to be desired, but it's not my call who he marries.

My other brother is struggling with PTSD and alcoholism, but I still try to see and encourage him to live the life he deserves as often as possible.

So I am still close with all of my siblings (even the brother I haven't spoken to in a month). We all go through rough patches, but if push comes to shove, we are all there for each other. And not liking your siblings spouse is the lousiest reason I have heard for sacrificing a close sibling relationship.

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S.T.

answers from Washington DC on

i can relate entirely to this post.
even a couple of years ago i'd have said that my family is tight, that i'm super-close with all my brothers, that nothing could come between the love this family has for each other. and this is decades long- my older brother is 60-ish, i'm in my late 50s and my 'baby' brother is in his early 40s with a few more scattered inbetween.
and yet the last couple of years have been a series of jolts, and not the good kind. for the first time ever, i can actually see us drifting to a christmas-card-and-facebook-only structure, and while part of me is sad about it, part of me actually feels a sense of relief at the prospect.
so weird.
khairete
S.

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E.D.

answers from Boston on

Would you hang out with these people if they weren't family? Prob not. Disappointing but you must accept it. So interesting that all the spouses complicated it so much. Get involved in your community/make friends.

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N.S.

answers from Denver on

Unfortunately I am in a similar situation and always thought we would remain close. I have nothing beyond, I understand.

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J.S.

answers from St. Louis on

This is not your first post about how your family is not living up to your expectations but the thing is your family sounds perfectly normal.

You can't expect them to be what you want, that isn't what family is there for

My adult kids are very close but mostly because they live in the same city. When one was out of town going to school the other visited but mostly because they travel sounded like fun. Then for a while one lived across the state, same thing.

My brother just stopped by, because I bought pizzas from my nephew, before that I saw him at my nephew's football thing. My brother lives two miles from me. We are happy, this seems normal.

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D..

answers from Miami on

It's nice that there hasn't been a big blowup, but from your description here, and I can only go by what you've said, the real reason for your "island" is your husband. You don't care for the BIL's, but you have accepted the package deal. Your husband has instead chosen to not bother to hide his disdain for the BIL's, and probably doesn't show any regard for your sisters. The fault here is him.

Even with a child in the mix, he still won't try? Don't you think of that as extremely selfish? Could it be that he actively wants to separate you from your family, so he "can't stand" them enough to drive them away from you?

I'm sorry your husband has done this. Quite frankly, he has effectively marginalized you from the family as a whole. And it's a shame.

Sometimes when siblings live far away from each other, all they have is memories of way past times. Like old friendships that no longer are important. That's what you probably have with this siblings. They don't care to interact with your self-centered husband, which means that they are past thinking about you as a center of their extended family life.

I think that the only way you get past this is to put the blame where it belongs, which is on your husband. I don't know if there is ANYTHING you can do with him to change his perceptions.

I don't know if you can get him to go to counseling with you over this, but it might be worth a try, if you want to try to gete back into your family. Otherwise, I think that you have to just stop trying to love them. That's pretty sad, too.

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V.B.

answers from Jacksonville on

Meh. It is what it is, I suppose. I'm the youngest of three. I have no sister, just older brothers. So, I was the last one at home. Not only that, but my dad took a promotion and moved our family midway through my sophomore year in high school, so middle brother was allowed to stay with relatives the last 3 months of his senior year of high school, and I moved with our parents alone. From that point on, I was an only child, except when the boys came home from college to visit a weekend here or there.

We pretty much lost any closeness around that time. They were at different stages of their lives and that trend just continued. Eldest got married, had kids, and lived 5 hours away during all of it. I was still single, dating and partying, going to college or working. Middle brother dated some with one long term relationship that didn't end in marriage, but he also lived 5 hours away, and so it was difficult to develop any sort of relationship with his long term girlfriend (and also with my SIL, wife of the eldest brother).

Parents, by that point, had moved in that same direction and left me behind (so to speak). They were now 6.5 hours away.

It's very difficult to bond with people in such drastically different stages of their lives, when you cannot spend copious amounts of time with them. Especially in the age when long distance calls still cost an arm and a leg, and there was no such thing as an internet.

Once that trend took hold, well... that's pretty much remained the status quo.

Oh, we get along fine, and enjoy each other's company when we are all together at our parents' for a weekend or whatever. It just doesn't happen that often. *Maybe* once per year.
Middle brother eventually got married (to the sweetest woman on the planet), but they have not been able to have children. My kids and eldest brother's kids enjoyed each other's company when they were younger (like most kids who will play with whomever is available and long lasting/long term history is not required to enjoy time outside), but now they are also worlds apart in their life stages.
We have one child each that overlap in age, and they are opposite sexes. Without bonding time (copious amounts of it) at the right ages (I'm suggesting between 10-14) it's just awkward now.

And now brother's family has moved down toward our area... about 30 minutes away. But between his family's schedule, and our family's schedule, we rarely have opportunity to get together. They have friends from their old hometown that come visit regularly, and we have friends locally that we socialize with regularly. But you probably wouldn't ever put the two friends at the same table. Just different people.
I've very much found that the older I get, the more difficult it is to bond and make lasting deep connections with other people. Especially when it requires that both parties (husband and wife of each couple) share that same type of bond if socializing regularly is going to work.

So, yay! They live closer. But we don't see each other any more frequently than before. And in fact, b/c it's closer, it just makes it that much more awkward.

Are there major issues? No. Have there ever been? No. Love them? Yes. Like them? Yes. Enjoy their company? Yes.
But... it just is what it is.
We are much closer with husband's family, who mostly live 5 hours away. They are much more willing to make an effort to visit, put their personal plans on hold to share a meal when we've driven 5 hours to stop in, etc... than my family ever has done. They also regularly get together AS A FAMILY. Aunt/Uncle, Brother/SIL, half sister/BIL, nieces, great nieces, cousins, whatever... they bring friends with them even.. We meet for dinner and then wall the mall or browse the bookstore.. whatever it takes to meet in a semi-central location (b/c they all live 30-50 minutes span away from each other).
My family.. meh.. if niece had a boyfriend, we just never saw them during a visit. They kept their own plans and it was never a priority to spend time with us. Any local activity they were involved with was never delayed or skipped to visit with us. Nothing was ever pushed back or rescheduled to make way for a visit if we were in town.
And that's fine. Again, it is what it is.

So, does it bother me? Not as much as you might think. Sometimes maybe. But I think it bothers my mother far more. She sees herself as a grand-matriarch, and there isn't much to be grand-matriarch over! Husband's family is more clannish, lol. And they have all sorts of dysfunction. They embrace it almost, and I suppose, in a weird way, it makes it ok to be yourself and easy to fit in. Love them. They drive me nuts sometimes, but I do love them! And I feel very close to many of them. Sadly, I feel closer to my SILs on that side than I do to my brother's wives.

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