Adult Relationship to Parents

I have talked with my mom about how I feel about her parenting. Mainly the things that I do differently with my children and sometimes she agrees that she would have done some things differently, but just didn't know to "back then." My mother was a wonderful parent and role model, but no parent is perfect. I feel blessed to be able to say to my mom that I didn't like this or I don't agree with that. I can only say these things comfortably because of the kind of parent my mom is. She listens and sometimes she agrees and sometimes no, but she never gets angry or defensive. I have brought up a few things that really bothered me and we've discussed it and now I leave it in the past because I can do nothing to change it and it isn't fair to her to keep complaining about it because she did the best she knew how to do at the time. I'm not a perfect parent either and I hope my children respect me someday the way I respect my mom.

No. I became who I am in-spite of, and because of them. If I blasted them, I would have to give them credit in the same breath.

Oh my no! My mother often says she thinks she was a crappy mother,but she wasn't. We grew up on a farm, and like all farm kids we worked hard, so sometimes I rib her about the child labor they had, but nothing serious. Unless it would clear up some serious mental issues, why make it painful for them? Just love them. They won't be around forever.

in general, when dealing with any person, i would not bring up grievances or disagreements from the past. why would you?

the only exception to that i would think would be if you became very close to your parent much later and they brought it up, expressing regret for choices they made. but we all have regrets as parents, things we wish we had done differently. i think it's safe to say all of us are doing the best we can with what we have. they are no exception. i think it would be very bad form to bring it up on your end. unless maybe you are all in group counselling or something.

that's just hurtful and opening up a can of worms, that, imo, is just NOT worth it. unless maybe your relationship is already trashed and you're just looking for more ammo to hurt them.

My parents divorced when I was 14 and my sister was 8, horrible timing at such an impressionable age. My parents did remarry approximately 10 years later, YEAH! My sister and I survived, no trouble with drugs or the law, we don't go around blaming the divorce on all our 'troubles' or coming from a broken household. However, in the past few yearsBOTH mom and dad have come to us unsolicited and apologized for being 'bad parents'. I never looked at them that way, but their own guilt of what happened apperently wore on them. So to answer your question, they kinda came to us and brought it up. We are a very close family now.

No. But there wasn't any sort of "drama" that went on in our household either. I mean, typical type stuff, but they weren't harsh parents and we didn't have any big "moment" where I was screaming I hate you and they were grounding me for months or whatever. So, there just isn't that issue.
I have more issues with them NOW than I did as a kid. They were better parents than they are grandparents. :(

Ephie:

I've got a great relationship with my parents...I've asked them for advice and why they did certain things they did.

I felt that my parents did the best they could with what we/they had. We were a career Navy family that moved frequently and it was really - just us - I feel VERY fortunate to have my parents.

They handled my teenage years well...gave me great advice when I started dating - that I of course didn't listen to - because I knew more and better than they did!! (LOL!!) and when I got married - well.....they set the bar and the example...they've been married for 54 years....

What a difficult issue for me. Thanks for asking this.

From what I understand, my husband's parents approached their children and apologized for anything they may have done wrong or that might have hurt them. But that is the kind of people they are/were-their children idolize them. In all honesty, they are/were very, very good people and treated me wonderfully. For example, I am a completely different religion and never, ever got grief for choosing to raise our children same.

Now with my parents, its a different story. When I've tried to discuss this with my mom (RIP), she would react as if I wounded her. So it was pointless to discuss. However, I've had to deal with some very strange offers of parental advice that reflected their wacky parenting style. So I get that neither of them believed they did ANYTHING wrong. And FWIW, I've always tried to be diplomatic in deflecting those strange suggestions. Now, could I say that they must have done something right 'cause I turned out marvelous? No I can't because 1) I did not turn out marvelous (heck I yell at my kids when I'm in a bad mood, amongst other non-marvelous behavior) and 2) neither of my brothers have turned out marvelous: one ran far away to raise his family...and has stayed away through a very difficult year for my parents (one death and one stroke and the discovery of dire financial straits) and the other who can't seem to get his $h1t together even tho he is 44yo (keeps threatening that he'll live in his car if Dad sells the house).

I can only hope to learn from this and try to be as good a parent as I can to my kids. I'm still learning. At the very least, I've allowed my children to challenge something I've said or done. It gives me an opportunity to reflect on my actions and words.

Again great question.

Well, I loved my mom but we weren't very close. She was not the kind of person I could talk openly and honestly to. But there was a period of time, when she was going something painful, but just disappeared and wasn't there anymore. I mothered my little brother, and later my mom for a period of time, while I was still 18. But I was also dealing with my own demons (my world was falling down around me at that time, I was diagnosed bipolar, my dad left us and took my college money just weeks before school started, I turned to heavy alcohol use, etc, etc, etc). 15 years later, mom and I were "bonding" and staying up all night talking. It was a really special time because we were well, TALKING. We talked about the present, how we felt like friends, how she was proud of me for how my little family was and my parenting, running the household, organizational skills, and before that the ministry and charity work I was involved in, etc. We talked about what a great mom she and my grandma were, and the foundation they laid for me as a young child was strong enough to carry me through, blah blah blah. Then I finally shared with her about my issues with bipolar....I'd tried when a high schooler to tell her I thought I needed help but she thought it was just teenage angst, and I tried to tell her a decade before this talk that I'd been diagnosed with it but she flat did not want to hear it and told me so. So, this time, during trying to tell her some things that happened, and what I went through, and how my life RADICALLY changed for the better and got BACK on track, she was like "I didn't know this!". I said "Oh mom, I know" and she said "No, I would have been there for you" and I just hugged her and said "Mom, I just didn't have the words or ability to share it with you" and she said "But where WAS I?" and I told her. Gently, not with anger (because I don't hold anger for it---she was in a bad place too). She nodded and said she was sorry, and I said she had no need to be, because we both ended up where we're at today by those paths. I was SO happy for that! My husband was kind of mad at me for not sleeping and staying up so late because he thought I needed rest but I told him what happened and he was thrilled. I'd kept many secrets and was burdened by some things, and he thought it was healthy to let her know the truth. But then a few months later, mom and I had a disagreement about something. It didn't need to be a big deal, but it became a big deal. Basically, I went to visit her which was a once a year thing and I wanted to eat at a couple specific restaurants (and of course take her out to dinner, my treat, at these places---special, famous, cultural, FUN places that hold special places in my heart from "back home") but mom has kind of become a recluse in her old age. She just wants to stay home and never leave. And I had an infant car seat and a car seat, but she refuses to ride in the car with ANYONE else's driving, but she also refuses to drive anyone else's car. It's stupid. I didn't say anything, but she didn't like the expression that flashed across my face (frustration) and she jumped me. I said "I refuse to fight with you over something so stupid. Drop it now." and she kept going. But while she was going, she threw this other stuff in my face, the things that I finally felt "safe" during that one night of talking to tell her. She threw those experiences, and the bipolar, in my face in a hurtful manner, and she completely twisted everything I said to make it sound like I was blaming her and saying it was all her fault which I NEVER did. I was very careful to not do that because it wasn't her fault, she wasn't even there. When she did that though, I packed up and spent the night with her so she could spend some time with the boys, then left early the next morning and never went back. I called my husband and asked if I was crazy, and he said "Funny----you ONLY ask that question when you're over there, and you ask that question EVERY time you're over there. Come home". Even though it felt like a positive thing, it still ended very ugly in the long run. We are still "friends" and talk every day on the phone, and skype for a few minutes several times a week so she can see the boys growing up and they can "know" her. She has an open invite (all expenses paid) to come here anytime she wants, but I won't go there again. And I never share intimate things with her, she is at arm's length from me now. Now, it's worse than it was when we had "that talk" because now I know she can twist things that are very important, and throw things in my face that are very painful, to hurt me if she wants. I trust her less. And that's sad. I'm not "angry" with her. But I don't trust her with things that I don't want to hurt me later. We talk about things as well as any average friend though-weather, funny things the kids did, what happened at work, and football. I would advise to let sleeping dogs lie. Leave the past alone.

In terms of their parenting, all I've done is acknowledge what they must have gone through as (my) parents. Having kids of my own sure put things in perspective for me. Dealing with my own stubborn, gotta-do-things-the-hard-way children has made me especially appreciative of the patience my parents had for me and much more understanding of the moments when my mom had had enough.

While I've never criticized their parenting to them or aired grievances I may have once had, I have taken opportunities to let them know some of the things that were going on with me at different points in my life (teenage years, particularly) that I wasn't necessarily open about at the time. I've found that this has helped heal past hurts, assuming there were any remaining. I have also made sure to let them know that while all parents make mistakes, I feel they did the best they did under the circumstances and that I am glad they handled things the way they did.

Of course my parents were wrong in everything they did -- or so I thought so until I became mature enough to realize that they did what they could with what they had. For example, it took me many years to see the good in my father's heart when he forced me to go to business school when I wanted to go to college. He didn't have the money for college, but he tried to give me something in its place. He let me throw my fit and never said a word. Yes, there were grants, etc., but he didn't believe in taking anything we didn't work for. We didn't have a lot of money, but they scrimped to give us a private school education; we never took vacations, but we were always doing something; we never had a lot of clothes, but they were clean; we always had food on the table and it was home-cooked; I never had rules or curfews, but I knew what they expected; my siblings and I always were fighting or arguing, but they let us work it out. Did I complain? Yes. Did I let them know it? Yes. Am I sorry? Yes. Do I wish they were still here so I could tell them? Yes. Think about what you want to say for a long long time before you actually say it. You may just change your mind and realize it wasn't as bad as you originally thought.

My dad was in a bad mood for about 10 years after some things happened when I was about 12/13 and was, honestly, a bad parent during that time. He had a horrible temper, yelled all the time, was harsh. He was also depressed and mentally checked out.
I did not get along with him during high school or college. There was a time when I would have said, I didn't feel he loved me and even that I hated him. We were not close.
I went away to college, then came back and lived at home for a year before moving out. During this time, my dad had really healed a lot and improved his outlook. I felt it was safe to do so, so I brought up my "grievances" a couple of times. It didn't go anywhere. He either denied it or made light of it. Which infuriated me.
But, a funny thing happened when I moved out and became 100% self sufficient. Dad truly respected me for the first time. The relationship improved so much. And once I got married and established my own household/family....well, now it's like I'm untouchable. He won't breathe a word against anything I say or do.
As for me, I let go of my hurt over the past years ago - even though I never did get my apology. I just don't have a need for it any more. It was a hard time in life for my dad and now that I am an adult with real world pressures of my own, I have more understanding. We have all moved on and things are different now. I love my dad and nowadays i look forward to spending time with him. Sometimes I call him just to say hi and hear his voice.
I am sure my son will have his "issues" with my husband and I....it is scary....but i know from my own situation, it is possible to move past these things.

I don't say anything. No one likes to be told you aren't a good parent.

When talking to my parents I have brought up past grievances with the way they parented and it did not go very well. I tried letting the past stay in the past but it ate me up inside. I have children myself and don't want to hurt them. I have never had that close relationship with my parent so having any conversation with them on parenting does not happen. I recommend that you sit down and talk to your parent and try to get some of your questions answered but it did not work for me.

Only occasionally. Like my mom did not allow me to attend a NYE party at my best friend's house simply because she was tired and held firm on her no for her own reasons, not because there was anything wrong with the party. It left deep wounds.

Since I grew up and moved out we've had a couple of chats where I said I was sorry for being a horrible teenager and she admitted she could have changed things, too. She is VERY inconsistent and that was very difficult for me to deal with. It's water under the bridge now, but I think we both needed to hear "I'm sorry."

To answer your question, no. The past cannot be changed so why dwell on it? You have your memory of events and so do they, they do not owe you any explanations for their parenting style and you can parent any way you wish now. You will challenge the very essence of them if you want to talk grievances and how you were disappointed in them as parents, what if they go on about how disappointed you made them? Would you feel better knowing that? I am just reversing the roles here. Asking for advice on parenting and what worked and didn't is fine but remember is it advice and you can take it or leave it. If you were going to talk about this stuff I would choose your words very carefully so a good relationship isn't harmed.