Adult Daughter with Asperger's Syndrome

Attention that is the word that crys out to me. This happens not only to girls that have Asperger's but to girls that have no diablities. Keep the lines of communication open to your daughter, take her shopping out to lunch anything to get her attention. Not saying one word about the person who has made her happy. Usally material things don't mean much, attention does. Perhaps her Dad could spend time with her. Give her some of the attention she craves, but only advice when asked. This is unconditional but it is a safety net, she knows you are always there, and you will be so happy that you where able to offer it. I just read your letter over and I see that he won't allow you to see her. That is really even harder. Do you know where she live? Send her cards funny loving cards. Keep in touch any way you can. Do you have friends that are close to her, or any religon? Sometimes they can intercede and help out, by just befriending her. Her boyfriend loves the control he has over her, it is most likely the only thing he has control over in his life. I have two friends who children have this disorder, each one is out going the other is quiet and shy. Both are very loving people, and in a materlist world we live in get pushed aside because they need more interaction then most people. The one girl friends son is very involved with Jehovah Witiness, they help fill the need for the extra attention he needs. I am sure there is no easy answers. But love never fails and you have much of that to give. Never give up. P.

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My daughter, Lisa did not have Asperger's Syndrome, but she was much the same as your daughter. My heart and prayers go out to you. Lisa would hook up with an undesirable man for anywhere from six months to a couple of years. Eventually, she would realize she had made a bad choice and come home, only to repeat the pattern a few months later. It broke my heart and there were many fights and tears. I finally learned all you can do is love her and reassure her that you will always be there for your daughter no matter what. It is very hard to standby and watch, but if you want to be there for your daughter, you must bite you tongue and repeatedly tell you love her no matter what. Whatever you do, don't make her choose between you or him, it strengthens his position and she will always choose him over you.

As you may have noticed, I refer to my Lisa in the past tense. She moved to heaven about four years ago. At least I know where she is now, who she is with and that no low-life can take advantage of her anymore.

You and your lovely daughter will be in my prayers. Your other children sound wonderful. Enjoy your life, love your family and know that your daughter will come home to you when the money runs out and he gets tired of her, which is usually the case.

I hope I have given you some comfort in knowing you are not alone.

D.

Hi C.,

First, I have to say that I agree with Laurie's advice. I cannot relate to ASD, but any girl with low self-esteem can get herself into the same situation your daughter is in. I've been there too. Everything Laurie said about letting your daughter know you're there for her, giving positive words and encouragement... that will all go a long way. My parents also realized at a point that if they told me what to do, I did the opposite, but once they let me feel like an adult who was capable of making good decisions, I started thinking of their advice when it was important. It didn't save some much regretted heartache and mistakes, but I learned from them and am now happily married with 3 children to the man of my dreams. There's hope!!! I hope everyone else's advice directly related to Asperger's will help you deal with that component of this situation. Best of luck to you!
S.

C., I have never gone through what you are going through now, but I want you to know that I will be praying for you. God Bless you and your family

I work with kids on the spectrum and my advice is to find an attorney and GET HELP IMMEDIATELY! There is no place for her to go but down and this is only the start. PLEASE get help!!!!!!

Hi C.,

What a difficult situation. I can imagine how worried you’d be! Although I don’t have any experience with Asbereger’s, I worked for many years with women who were in abusive relationships, and you are describing some warning signs. That your daughter is “not allowed” to communicate with you is one of them. It sounds as if he may be isolating her from her support network (family, work, car/mobility). Scary.

Although you are probably not going to be able to change her situation quickly, you can work to re-establish communication with her. When you do, be sure to avoid saying anything negative about the boyfriend. If you’re negative about him, she’ll tune you out, and he’ll have more “evidence” that you’re the “evil mother-in-law” out to get him! It is OK to ask her what she thinks of her relationship, what she likes, what does she think when he does XYZ, etc. Above all, let her know how much you love her, and that that will never change, no matter what’s going on in her life, or what choices she makes!

I would suggest that you contact your local Domestic Violence Hotline for support and information. If you’re in CA, the California Partnership to end Domestic Violence has a listing of agencies by county at:
http://www.cpedv.org/crisis_centers.html

if you’re outside CA, look in your yellow pages under “Social Services” or call your local Adult Protective Service agency for a referral.

The DV agency may have services for families of women; if not, the hotline workers will be able to give you lots of suggestions of what you can do to help.

You are also welcome to contact me off-list, if you’d like more suggestions. ____@____.com

Good luck, hang in there and don’t give up on her!
C.

Hi C.,
I would suggest you look into guardianship if at all possible. Maybe you can prove she isn't competant in some ways. Also, I would suggest a support group.
Go to www.tacanow.org and see if there is a group near you. They help families just like yours find solutions to situations like this. At least they may be able to point you in a direction that makes some positive headway.

"He pays attention to me" sounds like a healthy reason to be with someone. If your daughter's boyfriend pays attention to her, he may have some redeeming qualities. He doesn't sound like the wisest person on the planet, though. (Not pay car payments?) Even though this guy doesn't offer your daughter sound financial advice, it you want to contact your daughter, then you are probably better off not discouraging her from seeing her boyfriend. If you try to present just the facts surrounding some of the decisions she needs to make, she might develop good decision making skiils and either come to the conclusion, on her own, that she should not be with this guy or learn how to make good decisions without his input or control.

My sister, a psychologist, works with adults who have Asperger's Syndrome. If you want me to provide info on her, please contact me at ____@____.com

Good luck,
L.

I am so sorry to hear of your situation but you may have to take a page out of britney spears life and get some legal muscle behind you! Also contact non profits which deal with abusive situations and they usually give free legal advice.

If you are in the ventura county there is one agency call Coalition against Family Violence and they are out of Oxnard.

Good luck and hopes this helps!

S.

Try contancting Adult Protective Services in the county where you live. It sounds like he is taking advantage of her financially and they will help with that. YOU might also want to consider whether a conservatorship is appropriate. Just because she isn't incompetent doesn't mean she shouldn't have a conservator

Though it's hard to see your child make mistakes, you need to be patient. She'll come around.

C.-My name is C. and I work partime for a non-profit in OC. I have a one year old daughter. I know of a O.C. Asperger Support group that may help. The contacts name is Sara Gardner and her e-mail is ____@____.com. I hope she can help and good luck.

There is a young adult social group for Asperger's in OC. Let me know if you are in the area and want the contact info. Maybe the coordinators could give you guidance about your problem. Perhaps they could convince your daughter to come to their meetings and she might eventually decide that not working isn't working for her. My daughter is only 9, but you just opened my eyes to nightmares that could lie ahead.

Dear C.,
Although I haven't had any mental imparments--I was That
Daughter!! Brainwashed and finally beaten beyond my own Mothers recognition! The man(if you could call him that),
had me on drugs, wouldn't let me call or communicate with my family. ect. Your story just rang a bell so loud to me!
If this man is hurting your daughter, I don't think you would know it. You need to interveen! Somehow! I'm not sure as to what exactly it is you should do, BUT-GET HER HOME!!!
Possibly get Counsiling on what you can do.
You can contact me personally,
____@____.com
Good Luck,
C. S.