Adult Children at Home

Maybe my advice won't be helpful, but here it is anyway. I'm 30. I moved out when I started college at 18, as is usual. Came back for a few vacations and the first summer, but after that, spent no more than a few nights back at home. Moving out was the best thing I had ever done and I was much happier and my self-esteem improved. The reasons were #1: living at my parents was stressful for unique reasons and being on my own liberating. It would probably be hard to recreate that. #2: After being on my own, living with the rules (curfew, tell me where you're going and who you're going with, etc.) was demeaning. I understand why my parents did it, but at the time, of course, I wanted to be on my own.
I agree with the charging rent. And I don't think you even have to give it back to your child. Now that he or she is out of high school, I don't think you have an obligation to provide free room and board, and you have your own financial issues to worry about (saving for retirement, enjoying your life post-kids, caring for aging parents, etc.) and if your child can't respect that, then you need to make it clear that you have your own needs and this is how you're going to meet them. Assign chores, don't cook for him or her every day, don't clean their bathroom (unless you have to share!), or do their laundry. Make living at home as undesirable as possible.
Good luck! Hope whatever you try works.
BTW - what is "perfect"?

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Nothing is ever going to be perfect. At some point your child will need to move out even if everything is not lined up. The longer he/she stays, the more comfortable they will get. I personally never wanted to move back home after college, but I did end up doing it for about 6 months, then I had to move on. My younger brother, however, moved home after college and stayed for over 3 years, then moved out for maybe a year, then moved back in again. He's 29 now and just moved out again about 6 months ago. I'm in my low thirties, so you can take my advice for what it's worth, but I don't think you're doing your child any favors by letting him/her live with you. You should really be making sure that they pay their way (i.e. rent for the room as well as contributing to food, electricity, cable, etc.), this will provide less incentive to stay with you. If you don't need the money, then you can always put what you get for those expenses into a separate account and give it to him/her as a gift when he/she moves out. I found with my brother that because he had "extra money" from living at home, he'd buy expensive electronics that he really didn't need, a new car every few years, ski season passes, etc.. That is not how life works. Children need to pay their own way and take care of themselves because you cannot do that for them their entire life. You did your job, now it's time for your child to move on. It's great to want to help him/her out, but things are never really perfect. We can all find ways to rationalize staying in a comfortable place even when we know we should move on. Good luck! I hope you do better than my mother did in getting your child to "launch".

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I seem to be an older mom on this forum also, and have 3 teens.

If you can not get through to her about your concerns do you have any friends that could talk to her, and again i will say that your family care doctor would have reccommendations for you also. i understand that fear of failure
Launch your art career, i have been stalling getting into the scrap book business, i have been a hobbyist for a co for close to 2 yrs now and i have that fear of stepping out.
Maybe when you step out of your comfort zone to start your art she will feel comfortable to step out more easier also

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Wow! I have children ranging from 27 to 3 so I can relate to the adult children at home. Frist I expect my out of highschool children to contribute to the finances of the household if they are not continueing their education. If they attend college they must contribute with working around the house. Examples are but not limited to: maintain their own space, do their own laundry, respect my efforts about meals, help with dishes and cleanup of common areas, etc, etc, and etc. If they can not do these small things then they are brought brfore the family council. It can be rough on an adult child to have his 7 year old brother tell him he's wrong. My oldest was asked to leave. Hard you bet. But the boy would not become a man so I had to cast him out into the world to fend for himself, he was setting a bad example for the younger children. My house my rules motified still did not sit well with him. My second son has become a man and contributes to the household. He is in his last year of college and will be allowed to live here as long as he is willing to conform to my modified house rules. I would like to add that I maintain a relationship with my older child, and it is better than when he lived in my home. He is happier and I am happier. That made my desision concerning him much easier to bear.

H. P.

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D.,
Congratulations on your new phase of your life, how exciting. As for your 20 something, have you asked her if she realizes things may never be perfect but half the fun is figuring it out as she goes? Also, why is she afraid to not be in control, where in her life does she feel she lost control and didn't like it so is hesitant in other areas. I have two sons over the age of 20 and we have been through this although they would rather be out of the house, thankfully, to do their journey. Not everyone is a risk taker, but life involves some exploration, perhaps she can start with baby steps, be proud of them and then move on to other stuff. I wish you both well as this is an exciting time in your life and it is time she was able to bask in her own success.

Take care,
V.

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I have issues with this, there is never any "perfect" time in your life to branch out on your own. It takes hard work and time to establish yourself in this world and sometimes you have to do things you do not want to do. My Sister in law and her husband do this, they move out to a rental, things get a little tough and back to my husband's mother they go, and she enables them to do it. My husband and I had nothing when we went out on our own. We both come from "blue collar families." We have been on our own since my senior year of college, the year he started his own business. We were so poor, I went to school full time and worked nights at a convenience store. I was able to graduate with High honors, we both worked really hard! My husband had already gone through college so we had his school loans too! Now I have a great job at our local school and my husband's business is expanding and making more money every year, and we own our own home and fifteen acres. But getting to this point was tough and took patience and being frugal. I am a smarter and stronger person for having gone through this.
We rented for about 3 years and saved every extra penny we made in that 3 years for a down payment on our own land. We built our house two years after. It has been ten years since we went out on our own and we still struggle, but every year it gets better and we always seem to make it work. We both have great jobs and love what we do, but it was not always that way. My husband worked for my father's business full time for 4 years while he was building his business, we needed income and working a couple of jobs was the only way to do it. We only lived with the necessities for several years, but now we have so much more and feel really good about ourselves and our accomplishments. I think kids these days need instant gratification and do not want to work hard to get what they want. Encourage your child to make the leap and that you will help them as much as you can. My parent's did this for my husband and I. Whenever things were really tough they would tell us "keep your head up, we went through bad times too, but we always got through it." They were an inspiration to us, inspire your kids to grow and detach themselves, it is a normal part of life. Life throws you set backs, but you just have to keep moving forward!!!! Life is NOT easy!!

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Move! Ha ha ha ha!! That's what my parents did. They retired to Florida. I had to move out of the house and onto campus of the local college I was attending. I had to figure out everything for myself. At least your son knows he needs to have money, etc. I was pretty much unprepared for life but I made it.

By the way, nothing will EVER be perfect. No such thing.

If you can't move, hand him a book, such as one by Suze Orman, to help him keep on track and hand him a deadline.
Also let him know to keep a journal of goals he wants to achieve and things to keep in mind.

Tell him you love him dearly but you've done your job to prepare him for life and now it's his time to leave the nest. Let him know he's welcome to visit but not accompanied by dirty laundry and your home is not a soup kitchen. Invitations will be extended for meals but having him as a constant dinner companion is not on your calendar.

If he hasn't been prepared for life on his own (can't cook, can't do laundry, can't clean, can't balance a checkbook, doesn't know how to manage money, etc.) give him a crash course. There are books on how to do these also. I've found some at used book shops.

Tell him not to worry. This is the start of the most exciting part of his life and he's missing it. If he doesn't learn to make his own mistakes he will be unable to handle all that life has to hand him. Remind him that you can be his mentor but he has to be able to learn to save himself.

Good luck!

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Hi D.,
It's nice to hear from someone on the other end of raising children. Does she know your desire for her to get out on her own? If she senses that it's something your talking about but don't expect any changes to be made then she'll just keep doing what she's doing. You need to show her your desire to see her become more independent and put a plan in place that you'll help her achieve. Set small term goals and eventually they will add up to the results that benefit both of you. Nothing is ever going to be perfect and she needs to know that. Set a date for when she should be out on her own. It can always be adjusted a little. The firmer you are the better results you'll get from her. If she guilts you into....you wanted me out...so what...she'll thank you someday!
Good luck,
K.
PS Promise to help her put a budget together and stick to it.

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I would search for an apartment for him. He is finding it lot easier and cheaper to live with Mom.He will continue to do so as long as you allow it.I am willing to bet he has no problem finding a nice car,clothes or the best in stero equipment etc.
I have 5 children 4 boys and 1 girl. I only had one that didn't want to be on his own. He changed his mind when I started charging him a hundred dollars a week.When you figure all your household expense's,food,doing his laundry,and picking up after him its not that much. Mine figured if he had to pay all that he might as well be on his own. Your son might get angry,but he will get over it as soon as he has to face the real world.I know it is the hardest thing in the world to do. It is called tough love!Also don't do his laundry,clean or cook for him.he is a big boy now and he can do it himself.You go girl!

Why not start charging her "rent." You and your husband work out what you believe to be a reasonable amount to collect from her each week. Open up a savings account and put all her "rent money" into the account, and when she moves out, give her the money she has been "saving" all this time to help her get started. Just don't tell her that you plan to give all the money back to her at the end or she will be less inclined to pay.

I am 45, married 27yrs and we have two adult children living here at home and love it. My son is almost 25 and daughter is almost 24. We all work for my son's business. We have all been through poor times together and better times as well and our children were included in all of it and they are personally stronger and know what working for something is all about. "Communication is vital" is the theme of our family.

Family dynamics and how well relationships work within that framework is key to living successfully together. I guess we have never understood the NEED for having them leave. My daughter is protected here by her father, yet can do the things she enjoys(horse training, trailrider club, gun club...etc)and works for the family business as well. When she marries and goes to live with her husband, she will be very well equipped to do so.

Daughters, are different and need to feel safe and protected. We may be old-fashion in our ways regarding daughters, especially, but we find it works for us. She enjoys her life here with us and we value her friendship as well.
I guess I do not see the problem of your daughter living with you as long as she participates in helping financially or has specific jobs at home to do and accomplishes them as an adult.

hi,

a great book that has a couple of chapters that address some of these transitions is called, "Boundaries: when to say yes, when to say no, and when to take control of your life" by townsend and cloud. I would suggest it -- it does not give anything hard and fast about when/what, but poses many great questions that might help you figure out what is best for your family.

good luck.

Hi D.
I am also from Whitman and actually have 5 grown children but still have the one tagalong left at home. he's 24 and same thing won't move out until everything is perfect!! I've just started I have become a small business owner with Mary Kay cosmetics and am working to become a Director and build my own team. This way I can leave my f/t day job and be my own boss. I am also 50 something and am nervous but yet excited. My husband is very supportive with my decisions of a career change at this stage of my life which is most helpful. Hang in there it will all be worth it. We have to be happy with what we are doing in life and it is to short to not enjoy it.

Yes D. we did have to deal with a nestling not wanting to leave the nest. Only ours was a boy. When he turned 27 we had a little chat with him and told him it was time he tried doing it on his own. We offered him a one time come back home if things didn't work out. He tried it, liked it, never came back home and still loves us even if we did throw him out of the nest. A safety net might give your daughter the courage she needs. By the way our son is now 47, married with 3 children.

It may sound mean but make this child accept responsibility for his/her own life. Nothing will ever be perfect, so they will take longer to move. Start by charging room and board and not cook and clean for them. Life can be scarey at times but the more you shield them the tougher it is for them. Of course reassure her you will always be there for moral support!

i am a 48 year old mom and step mom of 6 - my two younger daughters (20 and 14) are still at home, but all of our older kids - this is the second marriage for both me and my husband - are more or less launched and on their own. my stepson was quite reluctant to get a job because he "didn't want to waste his time." he had the i want the perfect job thing going too. only when mommy and daddy cut off the money did he start to understand that he wasn't going to go from being rich kid to rich man without some effort on his part. one thing i think i would stress with your child is that nothing's perfect - ever. there is no perfect job, there is no perfect house, there is no perfect life. you can strive to achieve those things,but they don't just fall into your lap without work. i dont know all the particulars, but i would stress to the kid the necessity of trying and failing. i know my stepson was basically afraid to fail and so he was afraid to try. it took a bit of prodding, but with some financial pressure, he took the plunge.