Adult Children

Put aside your feelings, Mom. Were you a doormat because you sent her to college in the first place? Honestly, you seem to expect her to be the adult, when you sound like her.

Now, I realize that you are venting here. And that's good, because it's better than venting in front of her. She is in a great deal of pain. Think of it from the prospective of how YOU would have felt if your husband had dumped you oh so long ago. She probably feels that she can't get past her pain where she is now, so she is looking towards another place to help her move past this.

What you told her about money and marriage is spot on. But she is NOT getting married. So tell her that what you would have spent at the original school is what you will pay now. Tell her that if she can't transfer all of her classes and ends up needing to stay longer, the extra is on her. Tell her that 4 years is your max. Look up the figure that you pay per semester and tell her that anything over that is her responsibility if she changes schools. Tell her to make sure she has the money to pay the difference the first semester at the new place before she transfers.

Then say nothing else. Let her do all the legwork. Don't make phone calls for her. She has to want this enough to make it happen.

If you look back on your life, and are honest about it, you "grew up" and then regressed, grew up some more, and then regressed, etc. Indeed, some people regress just being around their parents. It takes time and years for kids to grow up. Personally, I think in some way you should be proud of her for trying to actually think about how she can pay her own way. She obviously did some research into it and found out how hard it would be to do that.

So - show her how an adult acts. Tell her the nuts and bolts. Go back to the original plan. Don't lecture her. Then let her figure it out. What you won't have is a daughter getting married. Isn't that what you wanted in the first place? So don't push her into it by hanging the money thing over her head now.

Dawn

Re read Dawns answer. It is spot on.

Remember your daughter will always need your support.. emotionally.

Your relationship needs to change. She is an adult, but she is a "new adult".
There is a transition for the both of you.

You will always be her mother first, whether you also want to become her confidant, will take a change in both of your attitudes towards each other.

Instead of telling your daughter you approve of her choices or not. Instead of telling your daughter anything that is an attack on her choices.. State your "Concerns".

"I hear what you are saying.. here are my concerns...."
"Tell me how you came to this decision, so I will know where you are coming from..."
"I have some questions about...."
"If it were me, this is what I would also consider.."
"Hmm.. I need some time to think about this..."

Your daughter is a young woman who has had her heart broken by her beloved parents, who did not approve of her first major choice..

And then totally stripped of her heart by a person she thought she would be marrying.

This is a very difficult time for her right now. She needs support, not more judgement.

Step back and take a look at what you are willing to do to help her. Emotionally as well as financially.

What was your plan with helping her with college before this engagement situation? Had you all discussed how much you were willing to pay, exactly how she would be attending college? This is the time to consider going back to that plan. This time, explain that you all were thinking this plan would be with conditions.. and then be honest about it.

We told our daughter and she also already knew.. we do not have much money. She would need to make some choices. If she was not going to be able to work while attending school.. she would need to work during the summer to save and we could give her a tiny amount each month.

We would not be able to fly her home except for Christmas break and for the summer.

It was all spelled out.

We told her if she wanted to live off campus, she would need to pay for this. If she wanted a car, she would have to purchase it. We would continue to pay for her car insurance, her cell phone, her health insurance..

The grade situation was all up to her, what we asked is that she really do her best. That she make the choices on classes and decide what her best options were. This was her life and we were not going to be able to "save her". We were just going to be able to support her emotionally. We also told her we would always support her decisions if she promised to accept the responsibility for her own successes and failures.

On a last note.
My husband and I married very young. When we first announced it to our parents, his mother said, "Well we do not approve". Our answer was, "we are not asking for your approval, we are just informing you, we ARE getting married."

She then said, "well we are not giving you any money." Our answer was "We are not asking for any money, we are not asking anyone for any money." "If we cannot afford our own wedding, we either are expecting too much, or we are not ready to live within our own means."

This set the tone for our interactions.. for all of these 30 years. She never did apologize for any of this.I tried for years to show her how much I adore her son, my husband.. but she just could not let it go.

I now do not speak with MIL.. And I have to force my husband to even call or visit his mother. She is definitely not the person we go to when we need advice or comfort. She started this by telling us, "we will never approve of this marriage. "

And so, please think about what you are saying. She may be your daughter, but she is also a woman. She needs a mother in her life, you decide if you can do this, but allow her to grow up, and make her choices and accept her choices.

TRY not to keep control over her with money. Instead, help her when you want and if you cannot. But also try not to control her with money and guilt.

That is a tricky age. She wants so badly to be a grown up, but can't help but seek your support/advice sometimes. I can tell you this from my perspective. I got engaged and married at 19. My parents were very much against it. They also told me/us that if we got married their financial support was over. But they were not angry or mean about it- just concerned and stating the facts. I was stubborn and still got married, my parents did give us a wonderful wedding, as they would do if I got married at a 'normal' age. I always knew they had my back, but also knew I had to take responsibility for my actions.

Now on the other hand, hubby's parents thought it was a great idea that we get married and had not problem with it (they did not have the money to support us regardless). 21 years later, we are still married. And looking back with this kind of distance, we agree- of COURSE my parents were opposed, and they did the right thing to say so. We totally get it. And also, we think- what the hell were hubby's parents thinking? Why didn't they tell us that getting married that young would be difficult.

It goes back to- you are parents, not friends. So back to you. If you feel she is making poor choices, voice your concerns. But do so lovingly, without withdrawing your love or support. Ask more questions than making statements. And listen more than you talk. WHY do you think you'd like to....., what are the pros and cons of doing......, what will you do if.....

She needs you still, be there for her. But not blindly. Good luck.

I plan to pay for my son's college education. I hope to god he does not get married until he is (way) out of college. But I don't see what that has to do with his education. If you were planning to pay for your daughter's education that is a commitment, it is not leverage to control her life.

Given tuition costs today and unemployment rates among the young (and especially the young and not yet educated) I think expecting her to pay for college is unrealistic. Would you rather in 10 years she have a good well paying career that makes her happy or would you rather she work at McDonalds? If you can afford her tuition (without sacrificing your own retirement) it seems an easy choice to me. You could always make a formal loan agreement and expect her to pay back the money once she has a career.

The statistics show both the college more than pays for itself in lifetime earnings AND that college graduates are happier and more satisfied than non graduates (yes of course that is statistical and means the mean across the population, not every single individual).

Also - why would support for your daughter fall upon some other immature kid? When she is an adult - she should expect to support herself. Not look for some man to take care of her.

good grief! She's 18....many kids are in H.S. still at age 18!

Yes, legally she's an adult. Did she head off to college with you paying the bill? Then, yes, you still need to pay. You held the funds over her head as a manuever to eliminate the boyfriend....& you won! Hooray!

Now you need to step up to the plate & finish out on your commitment. :)
Set the future ground rules, have her work part-time to help with her daily necessities.....& teach her how to be a big girl! & do all of this in person - so you can hug & love on her!

I would probably respond, "This is a discussion we need to have in person." And then go over it in person. Is this a good fit for her or is she just running away from her fiance? That sort of thing. We told SS that he could return after grad (he wants to take a year and work before grad school) but we had expectations like rent and not using our house as a crash pad only since this is our HOME and other family members also live here.

If the school is a good fit and could be beneficial for her, I'd give her the same financial support (same dollars) that you already are but she may find that the money goes a lot less far out west and I wouldn't give her the difference. My SD is looking at an expensive school and one closer to home that's a lower tuition. We can only offer her a set amount and regardless of where she goes, she's not getting more. She has to decide what kind of work or loans SHE is willing to obtain.

Hi, Fun:
You need to learn to set boundaries for your own sanity.
Write down for yourself what you are willing to pay for, and
what you are willing to do for your daughter and what you will not
tolerate from your daughter.
Once you do that, when she calls, you already have an answer.
Tell your daughter that she can not move t another college/university until she gets her degree from the one she is going to.

Tell her is she wants to go to another college/university for her Master's then she can go whereever she likes.

Just my thoughts.
good luck.
D.

Updated

Hi, Fun:
You need to learn to set boundaries for your own sanity.
Write down for yourself what you are willing to pay for, and
what you are willing to do for your daughter and what you will not
tolerate from your daughter.
Once you do that, when she calls, you already have an answer.
Tell your daughter that she can not move t another college/university until she gets her degree from the one she is going to.

Tell her is she wants to go to another college/university for her Master's then she can go whereever she likes.

Just my thoughts.
good luck.
D.

I think you missed a part of your story. Regardless, if you are planning to pay for her collegeand are not sure she is going to follow through I'd do this. First off yes she is grown up so you two need to work on respectring each other. Say I'll give you 2 weeks to a month to gt yourself a job and settled on the West Coast. Once you are settled I will pay one semester of school with the following conditions. You want copy of the mid term reports and proof that work is being done. With technology that should be easy enough. That way when the semester is almost over you two can discuss how did going to school and working work. Or you can pay for two classes while she works and see how it goes. You need to be tough if she doesnt follow through with givingyou school reports do not pay for the next semester or classes On a side note I would not let your relationship with your daughter fall apart because you dissapprove of a guy or such. You are her mom and need to be there for her regardless.

I would set a limit on the amount you will give her for her education. For example, if the average is $5k per month for tuition, room and board, at the level of college and location you would like her to attend, then I would agree to that. For my money, I would require that she pass all of her classes with at least a C, no dropped classes or NAs. If she chooses to switch schools then she will need to take the time to clarify, why she is changing, how it will affect her major, how much it will be to move her, etc. She has to convince you that this is the right move for her future, not just because she thinks it is cooler on the west coast. If it truly will benefit her and what she wants to do with her life then you can help her figure out budget and timing. Maybe she has to make a tough decision like taking some classes at a community college while living at home so she can save part of the 5k per month for moving to the new school. In other words, she has to figure out how to use the money you have allotted her for college. It does not matter if you have enough to just pay for her to move, it's the lesson of learning to work out a problem and coming up with a plan that makes sense and is financially responsible.

Hope this makes sense.

Good luck!

We told our kids from the beginning that we would pay for college and if where they wanted to go was out of state, we would pay the in state rate and anything over was on them. We felt that was fair. Our daughter graduates from college in 3/12 weeks from a school in Texas!!! YAY! Our son, is attending an university in Kentucky. We pay housing and the Army pays tuition.

But the real question I have is why does she want to go to a school on the west coast. Is it to get away from the "fiance"? This is something that needs to be talked about in person. She needs to come home for the weekend for a family meeting.

No, you aren't being unrealistic. It sounds like she's unsure what to do with her life at this point. I don't know you or your daughter, but from your post, it sounds like she's a little bit spoiled. You need to set some boundaries with her. I agree with Kellhy's approach to how to handle paying for her schooling. Before you shell out any cash on her, let her prove to you that she's serious with her goals instead of just whatever pops into her head at any given time.

Mine nor my husbands parents paid for our college. We had to work, file for grants and rack up student loans. We were good kids too. Such is life. I would be more emotionally supportive of her though, she is going through a rough transition. You can perhaps offer to help pay for books.