Adult Child Issues

Tough love is one thing when the parents have tried to work with the child and done the parenting yet the child refuses to take positive steps.

Have you and your ex worked with your son to give him life options and consequences if he chooses not to follow through? For example was he ever told by your ex, look you need to go to school or get a job within 3 months or you will need to find another place to live. Or you have 3 months to start contributing to this household (rent, etc) or you can't live here. Or has your ex just yelled at him and than allowed the behavior to continue?

You are looking at your son's behavior but what is he thinking? Is there a reason for his behavior? Of course there is! Does he feel unwanted? Unworthy? Does he have feelings about your separation with his dad and your new life? Generally there is a reason that people have no ambition in life. I feel sad to think of your son thrown out on the street if the root of his problem is that he doesn't feel good about himself, or feel loved, etc. What path do you think he will take than?

If you ex has not been a good role model than that is all your son has had, maybe he doesn't have the foundation to get going in life.

Of course we don't know the whole story and history but in the short bit you have shared I feel your son needs support, guidance, a positive role model, love and consequences. Not to be throw in the street to figure it out himself.

Maybe you can let him stay with you for a set period of time and set rules, timelines and consequences. Than at least you can feel that you have given your son what maybe he did not get from your ex and see your son either grow and succeed or make the wrong choices and face the consequences. At least you know you have done your part.

Good Luck!

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He is old enough. Make a plan for him to get out on his own, go to school, get a job, get a roommate in an apartment, join the military.

Your son hasn't lived with you since he was 15? That's really, really sad, especially since his father isn't a good role model. It sounds like it's both your problems how he's turned out, but now it's time to step him and help him find his way without enabling him. It's almost as if like his parents cast him off and now don't want to deal with these issues they created, but want to pawn him off on each other.

Dr. Phil tackles this issue all the time. he has several good episodes of how he helped families through it and lots of advice here on helping adult children get on their feet without enabling them:

http://www.drphil.com/articles/article/138
http://www.drphil.com/shows/show/520

Also, I lived at home for a short while when I was in my early 20's. But I was also a college student, working, paying bills and taking care of my mom. So, living at home can be okay so long as the adult child is being productive.

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They become responsible when someone kicks them out and they HAVE to become responsible. Necessity is the mother of invention.

Just don't take him back in.

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Sounds like it's time for tough love. You do not "legally" have the responsibility of caring for your adult son. Neither does his father. I know that as his mother, you don't want to see your son on the streets, but at the same time you can't disrupt your home and put your young child at risk for him either (if he has dangerous or destructive behaviors). How soon is your ex moving? You both need to sit down with your son and explain that he needs to get his act together, and FAST. He needs to get a job and be able to support himself. Let him know that when he does that, you'll be happy to assist him in any way that you can- except by having him live with you. Explain to him that you love him dearly, but that your younger child deserves to be raised in a safe environment, unfortunately his behavior has proven he would cause danger/disruption, and it's your responsibility to protect him (the 4-year-old).

BTW- I'm ASSUMING that your older son's behavior is dangerous/disruptive given the fact that he's lived with his dad for the last 5 years, and you're ambivilent to him living with you now. If that's not the case, then that totally changes my answer, and makes me wonder why you wouldn't want your son to live with you (on the condition that he goes to school/gets a job). I would hope that it isn't because of the new husband or anything. I'm just going off of the little I've read...

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You are in a difficult spot. I wouldn't want anything bad around my younger child either. BUT, you just said he has had a terrible role model the last several years and this is STILL your son. You owe it to him to try it with rules. X number of days to settle in, X number of weeks to find a job, X dollars contributed. If you want him to go to school, decide what he needs to do and who's paying how much. If you don't want drinking at home or a parade of friends over, set those bounderies. But it's NOT time for you to give up on your child.

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i dont know your full situation and I don't have advice other than to talk to him and try to show him a good role model, but i can say that it broke my heart to hear how you spoke of him. What a terribly sad situation to not be wanted by your parents, we all make mistakes but I try to always remember children live what they learn.....

After seeing your "what happened" allow me to explain my comment above. i understand that you do not want the undesireable behavior around your younger son, but I know from experience with my father once he had a "new wife & new kids" and was too concerned about the new kids to pay much mind to us old ones, your son sees it as not being wanted. They are BOTH your children, grown or not. And while sibling jealousy is usually only thought of with younger children, let me tell you it can be worse with older children and re-marriage. There are lots of feelings of anger and abandonment......some counseling will possibly do some good.

I wish you all the best of luck and hope that you can find the solution to help turn things around for your son.

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His not working will not be a bad influence on your four year old Your little one doesnt have any idea at what age a person should be working on becoming independent. He wont be influenced to be lazy. Are there other things going on that would be a bad influence?? Personally I feel my son took longer to mature and become an adult who could make good choices because of how bad he felt about himself due to the divorce and all the problems his father had and the rejection he felt. They feel unworthy of having life work out for them. they don't like themselves and are not motivated to make good choice and build themselves a good future. He needs to feel loved. Invite your son to live with you while he goes to trade school or community college, but let him know it is ONLY while he goes to school. IF he chooses to work then set a deadline for when he can be on his own

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My brother did this. He shuffled himself between our grandma, myself, then my dad. My grandma kicked him out when she got sick of putting up with him. (He wasn't very good about cleaning up after himself, and expected her to do everything for him.) I let him move in with me, on the condition that he gets a job and cleaned my house as rent. (lol.) At first he did good, and was legitimately looking for a job and keeping on top of everything. Then he slooowly started sliding until I just couldn't justify letting him stay with us. (My cousin was my roommate, and she didn't want him there if he was going to be like that...) so we kicked him out too... and he moved in with my dad. My dad put him to WORK. He lives in the mountains, so he had nowhere to go. He had wood to chop, fence to fix, animals to feed, house to clean, etc. etc. etc. He would also take him to work, and give him all the pee-on work. (sweeping the shop, carrying tools, cleaning, etc.) My brother came to me begging for help, so I helped him get into Job Corps. He is still there, training to be a security guard.

In your son's case, I would take him in and give him a chance. His attitude HAS to improve... If he doesn't get a job, save up for school/apartment, and become a productive member of society, he has 3 choices. Job corps, Military, or the streets. He can pick.

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That is the saddest thing I ever heard a mother say about her child..perhaps your son needs a new role model...you!

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Hate to say this, but unless there is a medical reason why he cannot survive on his own, he is twenty. Tough love. Give him a time period that he can stay while he finds roommates, a job, etc.and then stick to it. He is officially a man. Regardless of what kind of example Dad was every child on earth unless they were locked into an attic has had good and bad examples and can find substitutes for the adults who lack in his life. Schools provided help, churches do and we learn right from wrong even in games and television shows.
My own son is twenty. He is out and I know he is living paycheck to paycheck and he is fending for himself. He had ample opportunity to live at home, do things the right way and he didn't. He started college and kept dropping classes and not going here. He had a job and up and quit before he thought out what other possibilities were. He did get another job after he moved out and away far enough we cannot help him.He recently was in a car accident. His car cannot be used and I do not know how he gets to work. The point is there is only so much we can do. It hurts yes, but they must grow up and I am learning the more I do to save him the less he grows up. He is choosing the hard path and that might be the case for your son. In the meantime too, if you go to church assist the aid of counsel there. And if you do permit him to stay at all establish the rules immediately ahead of time and STICK TO them. It's amazing how resourceful people can be at any age no matter what we say or do. They too want to be warm and well fed.Don't feel bad or guilty (I know easier said than done). You did not have him by yourself and he makes the choices in his life. And you are protecting your four year old.

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Frankly, at 21 he's neither of your problem. He is old enough to be on his own. Your ex needs to tell your son, I'm moving on such date so you have until then to figure out where you are going to go. I know it isn't easy, but really it should be as simple as that. Unfortunately, your son should have been encouraged a few years ago to start living his life independently...now he's going to be forced to do so which will probably be hard, for everyone. If I were you, I would lovingly and firmly tell your ex and son that this is the time for him to start his life...good luck!!!

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if you take him in lay ground rules, he has to have a job by this date, he has to pay X amount of rent by this date, he has to follow these house rules and have him sign a contract and if he does not abide by the rules at least you can say with all honesty you tried. I am going to be 37 this year and i have tried to make good choices, but sometimes I have still needed my parents and when they can they have helped me, there have been times when i had to endure lectures, or times when I was told, I am sorry we cannot help you this time and then I had to figure it out on my own...but I can honestly say my parents have never told me I was no longer their "problem" I hope as my children grow older I never look at them like they are a "problem" that has to be dealt with...I kind of always thought being a parent was a lifetime not part time role.

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Neither of you should have to put up with him. He is an adult and fully capable of making it on his own. If he absolutely needs to stay with one of you then set down ground rules and strictly stick to them. The first time he breaks a rule kick him out. It would be difficult to "abandon" your child but, for this 20 year old man, tough love is probably needed. Good luck.

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If it were me, I would tell my son what day the move would be on and he would have to come up with his own arrangements by then. He is an adult, this is HIS problem. Not yours or your Ex's. As long as he has a heads up and at least a few weeks to make arrangements, you have been fair.

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Your ex needs to sit him down and explain to him that he is moving and he can't go with him. He needs to find his own place to live and if he comes and asks you, tell him no. Some times the life lessons are the best ones to learn (and for parents the most painful to watch) but it does sound like it is time for your son to grow up and get rid of his peter pan syndrome.

Good luck
S.

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Sit your adult son down and tell him what is up. I'd tell him that you are deeply sorry that his father is not allowing him to move with him, but unfortunately you aren't able to have him move in with you either. I'd then point him to the resources he will need to find a job and a place of his own to live.

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At 20 I had two jobs and was a full time college student. Did you and your ex-husband make these expectations clear years ago? If his dad hasn't provided him with guidance, you may want to step in for a bit even with your new family.

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What about showing him some tough love? Tell him he can move back in with you AFTER he obtains a job or enrolls in college! Tell him you will need proof that he is doing one of these things and if he quits while living with you, he will be out.

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I won't read others responses until I'm done as I don't want mental input into my thought. When we take on the monumental responsibility that is parenting there will come a time when one of our duties is to send then out into the world and have them spread their wings and try to fly. Both you and your ex need to have a sitdown and talk to each other before talking to him and set a united parent front even if you can't agree on all the things to say to him he can't know that you don't. Then have a sitdown with him and explain what his life options are. Get a job...2 if needed and find a rental even if he needs to find roommates. His other option would be school and school housing and if he is on his own he should qualify for assistance to pay for it but may need to get a job to pay for the fun things like food and medical care. I can tell tou love him otherwise you'd just say...that's your problem and not bother asking anyone for advice. Letting him move in will just change the date of responsibilty to his 30's and no women really wants that in a man and if they think they do it will end up in divorce if they can't take care of their responsibilities. Time for a little tough love...they are hiring at walmart and home depot.

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I agree...why does he have to live with one or the other? Why do either of you "have to put up with him"?? I feel like I'm missing something here.

I moved out when I was 17 and have lived on my own, and have taken care of myself since. (I'm 31 now) I haven't needed to go to my parents for anything more than emotional support.

The time is now to help him become more responsible. It doesn't mean you should throw him to the wolves...help him find an affordable living aggrangment (rent a room?? not in your house??), help him find a job, or a go to school and help him get the financial aid to help pay his bills while he's in school. You can help him without having to be responsible for him.

He is the symptom of a VERY large problem with our culture...we baby our children too much and don't teach them responsiblity at an appropriate age. When they reach the age of legal adulthood they're not capable of making adult decisions.

My best advice for help books is to check out Love and Logic books. They make one for teenagers and that one might help you with your not so teenager son.

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Seems like having no home will force him to grow up. No job, no home. He's 20. If he does nothing, he should expect to get nothing in return.

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In the United States 18 is the age that people are considered legally competent adults unless proven otherwise in court. So legally he is already responsible for himself and you are no longer legally responsible for him. If you agree to let him live in your house, maybe set some ground rules such as he has to either have a job or go to school, he has to pay room & board, etc. or he can no longer live with you. It is actually your ex-husband's problem at the moment; he is the one with an adult that he no longer wants living in his house. You do not have to allow your adult son to live with you. Good Luck - it doesn't sound like an easy situation!

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Any 20-year-old still living with a parent should have a job and be paying that parent rent on his room, plus a share of the utilities and groceries, and paying for his own transportation (gas, insurance).
Tell your son that he can move in with you, but ONLY under the above circumstances.

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How about tell him he can live there when he gets a FT job and/or enrolls in school?

Seriously, I'm all about second chances and there may be a little of him seeking-closure-and-acceptance-from-mom dynamic and opportunity here, but he would definitely need to follow some criterion and/or have a time limit set. Like one year and by then he's gotta be ready to get set up on his own?

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I agree with the posters who say you and his father should speak to him together. I also agree that you should allow him to stay with you for a set period of time, but he should have the job secured first. During your discussion, inform him that in the time before his father moves he is to find work and KEEP work to show you he is responsible enough to come into your home.
Also tell him that 30% of his pay will be kept by you to be put into a fund for him to move when he is financially ready. He will need to pay for his own personal needs such as car note/insurance, clothing, fast food and entertainment. As his mother you will provide him with a roof over his head and meals at home.
Advise he will need to enroll in a trade program if he is not attending college. Talk to him about his interests, skills and goals and help him to come up with a plan for his future.
Hopefully with your, your husband's, and his father's guidance he will get on the right path and be a productive citizen before you know it.

Why does he have an option to not work or go to school??

I lived at home until I was 19, but after high school I went straight to college for two sports and eventually moved out because I was also working two part time jobs. At 20, he should be doing something. Your ex needs to tell him to get a job and move out, simple. He is not a teenager or a child. He is beyond capable of taking care of himself. If he doesn't want to go to school, get a job and find an apartment. tell your ex there is no option. That is what is happening.

I do not understand people like that. He should be more responsible at that age.

The short answer is that your son is an adult. Sounds like the rude awakening of "supporting oneself in adulthood" is about to begin. You are his mother, not his keeper at this point. Let him know immediately that he won't be moving in with you so that he can start to find a job and find a new place to live. He needs to learn how to start supporting himself financially; you will be doing him no favors by allowing him to move in with you and mooch. I didn't read any of your other responses, but that is my take on it. I've been supporting myself since I was 17 years old.

I truly do not want this to sound bad, but it seems his father is a bad role model and that is where he has lived, but I'm seeing that your more sensible influence has not made an impact on him either since he has not lived with you. He is 20 but there is a wild variance in maturity with people that age. I understand why you don't want him to move in with you. I do think you owe it to him to offer some help though, since you are his mother and he seems to be lacking in that positive motherly influence. I would do as much as I could to help him sit down and make a plan, in writing. His first agenda will be finding some place to stay and a job. You could help mentor him in how to do that and give him advice and leads. He is facing having nowhere to stay and it seems kind of harsh to just let him loose in the world when he hasn't had the best parenting from his dad for the last 5 years of his life (which were extremely formative years for turning a teenager into an adult). I would feel like I left him hanging if I did not step up and offer as much help as I could (that does not mean moving in though). I feel it is up to you, as part of your motherly duties, to fill in the gaps your ex has created. Some of the posters have said to make a plan for him to move in under specific guidelines and rules. I see the point of that, but would hate to see him do that only for it to turn into a disaster that affects all of you and further puts him behind getting out on his own. I think he needs a lot of guidance but the first attempt should be at getting him out on his own, assuming there is time. If the father is moving in a week, then that's different and maybe your son could stay for two weeks while the two of you focus on his plans for independence.

Hmmm? 20 going on 21? I would have to say that he's on his own now. He need's to go to school AND work! And all you can do is just be his mother. Married or divorced, the both of you have to handle this situation together and talk to him and try to get him to go to school, atleast! You both decided to have a child while married and so now this issue should not be "pushed" only on you. Good luck!

I think you would be a good parent by letting your son stand on his own two feet. Letting him just coast on the efforts of others won't do him any favors in the long run.

As long as he is physically & mentally capable he can figure out how to support himself, but as long as you or your ex are supporting him he won't have to. Don't be an enabler!

I would ask your son what he plans to do when dad leaves town. If he says he'll stay with you let him know that isn't an option, but you'd be happy to help him find a job now so he could start saving up rent money....

I agree w/ the last post. Also remember he is an adult, you should not have to take care of him anymore. Give him deadlines, and don't let him freeload. I know it's hard, but he really is an adult not a child :)
Good Luck.

I haven't read the other responses but here is my take. Regardless of age, he is still your son and you will always be his mother. Unless he is doing things that are illegal, I think you should take him in. Maybe you and your husband can help him, think of it that way. Also, maybe he could babysit for you! And I understand your sons thinking at that age, I was the same way. He probably isn't getting any guidance from his father (sort of sounds like this is the case) and hopefully you can step in and jump at the chance to help him find his way. It's possible he is feeling unwanted as well. That is a tough age for boys! And yes, 20 is still young!!!! My husband lived with his mom - probably for too long - until he was 27. I lived with my mom after college until I was 24 or so.

I understand you want to take care of your four year old...totally get that as i have a young one myself...but like I said, unless it is something illegal, be helpful to your son. Regardless if you let him live with you or help him find his way on his own. And if he doesn't have a job, where is he going to live?