Adoptive Parents

I got an error message when I sent you my response so I'm not sure it went through so I'll recap:
I was adopted as an infant and we adopted our daughter over a year ago from China - she's now 27 months old. I'd love to chat with you about your question but have too much to print here. Please e-mail me at ____@____.com so we can share ideas!
Best advise I can give right here: Start talking to your kids about being adopted NOW! It was the best thing my parents did for me so being adopted was just how I joined my family and not my identity. Even at 27 months our daughter knows she was born in China and was adopted, like her mommy. Just incoperate talking about adoption into every day conversations so it's never seen as a "touchy" subject.
Hope to hear from you soon.
S. Borgeson

1 mom found this helpful

Hi N.!

I have a bit of a different view because I *am* an adoptee. I was adopted at birth, but I was a preemie and it was an international adoption - and it was 33 years ago so it was closed and sealed and no information was really available.

My story is pretty simple, my parents were sweethearts who chose to finish college first before marrying. They tried to have a baby for about 10 years before adopting me, so when I arrived, they were beside themselves with joy in finally having a baby. My mom made 4 baby books for me, and I have a journal in which she wrote all sorts of things from my first weeks home. She made and bound me a book about our little family and where I was born, and how grateful they were that I could come to them and make them a family instead of just a mommy and daddy without a baby to love. I think the best part is knowing how loved and wanted you are.

In short, I have always known I was adopted, I look nothing like my parents, but it has always been a good thing. It's a personal reason and choice when older or grown adoptees decide whether or not to look for biological relatives, but I have never felt like doing that. =)

1 mom found this helpful

I adopted my daughter at birth. We read Jamie Leigh Curtis' book - "Tell me again about the night I was born" and "Did my other mother love me" and "Two kinds of love." We found them all on the adoption.com website.

1 mom found this helpful

N. -
Wow - what a WEALTH of fabulous responses below! yes and yes and I agree (and thank you, from me, to the adoptees who shared their experiences so openly). If you read all the responses I think you'll a) be heartened and b) have lots of information to start off with.

We too adopted through social services - here in LA.
Our daughter is 3 1/2 - and came to us at 5 1/2 months, so remembers only us as parents (like your two).
the dcfs (dept. of children & family services) caseworker gave us two great books & I can't quote the titles verbartim at the moment ("Parenting your adopted child" is not quite it) - if you email me I will follow up on this for you - they are both good books and have been very helpful to us. ____@____.com

To reiterate what other parents and children have said: best to always have known about being adopted, emphasize the fact that "we waited and waited to be a family and finally you came along", and how love was the governing factor - both in the birth parents' choice to give up the children & in your choice to be the parents.

here are some phrases our daughter has always heard in normal conversations:
"the day we became a family"
"when we met you" or "the day we met you at Gramma Renee's house". .. . you get the drift!

this link to a 'module' in New Zealand is a nicely written bit about adoption information from your children's point of view -
http://www.childsafety.qld.gov.au/adoption/education/inte...

I can't much expand much more on what everyone else has contributed. best of luck and I will get those book titles to you

A.

1 mom found this helpful

Hi There:

I am an adoptive Mom of a beautiful and fully energetic 3 year old son. He was placed with us at 3 weeks through an open, domestic adoption. We have contact with his birthmom but know very little about his birthdad.

We have a few children's books on adoption like the Jamie Lee Curtis one. And in preparation for our adoption I read a ton of books about all different types of adoption. The ones that were most helpful to me were the ones written by adoptive families and birthfamilies themselves. "Dear Birthmother" and one written by the daughter and granddaughter of Billy Graham (I think it's by Rose or Mary Graham). I also spoke with anyone we knew that experienced adoption from both ends of the spectrum. All told me that being honest and open about my sons adoption from the beginning would be the best.

My boss was adopted through a closed adoption back in the early 70's. Her parents were always open with her about her adoption and told her honestly what they knew about her birthparents. Both of her brothers were also adopted. Her oldest brother decided to search out his birthfamily as a teenager. He ended up not having a good relationship with his birthfamily. Her younger brother also sought out his birthfamily and has a good, but not close relationship with them. My boss never desired to search out her birthfamily. Her parents are her parents and in her mind that's all she needed. By chance she came across the social worker that dealt with her adoption at a friends wedding a few years back and the SW offered to give her whatever information about her birthparents that she had. So she took the information and read it and kept it but has still not sought them out.

So I think all you can do is be honest with your children about their adoption. And support them if they decide to find out more about their biological families when they are older.

I am pretty open with my son about his adoption. Whenever I write a letter or talk to his birthmom I also talk to my son about his adoption. It isn't something that we talk about everyday, but it is something that we talk about often. I just don't want him growing up thinking that adoption is bad. I want him growing up hearing about his adoption and being open to discussing it.

S.

1 mom found this helpful

I am an adoptee so I can only give you my side of the story. My parents told me from the very beginning - before I could comprehend it. I don't remember exactly what they said but I knew I was loved very much and therefore was chosen/given to my parents. My situation is possibly a little different in the fact that my birthmom really did care for me (I wasn't taken away b/c of drugs, abuse, etc) but due to her age, she couldn't give me what she felt a child needed (mom AND dad, home, siblings?, etc.). Anyway, I always new and for a while found pride in it - like I was special. I think that's the best way to do it, otherwise you're facing what year is appropriate and what will my child think? It's so neat your children are natural siblings. My cousins are and I find it great that they were able to stay together (one was adopted at birth and then the bmom called later with another pregnancy).

I think some families feel ashamed or embarrassed but I think you should embrace it. Adoption is an amazing opportunity (the giver and the receivers) so why not share it with the children and others?

Congratulations on your growing family! You have many years of abounding joy.

1 mom found this helpful

Hi - I am adopted and my parents told me a bed time story that they made up about how two parents wanted a children so badly and they waited... and they waited.... and then they choose me. As I got older I would fill in parts of the story and be so proud that they waited so long for me and that I choosen special by them. There was never a question in my mind that being adopted was special and I have them to thank for that!

1 mom found this helpful

Hi N.,
We adopted two children also. Our children's favorite bedtime story when they were young was their own story. I would tell each child the story of a couple wanting children, in third person, and end with how this wonderful baby came into their home. It is the perfect way to share the miracle of adoption, one on one while you lie with the child at bedtime. Hope this helps. I used books, too: Why I was adopted, and another about Brian (our son is mixed race and Brian is also another race, I just can't remember the title.
I think the most impact, however came from them hearing over and over their own happy story.
Good luck.
B.

1 mom found this helpful

Hi N.. I don't know what parents are doing now, I can share with you that my parents adopted me when I was 3 months old. My mother always told me the truth that I was adopted and emphasized how much her and my father wanted to have children and how they were so happy they adopted me and my brother. They told me my birth parents couldn't take care of me but they wanted me to have a happy life so they put me up for adoption. My mom talked all about how it was for her and my dad in the months leading up to the placement and how excited they were. She focused stories on her end of the situation and she shared with me what little information they did know from the nuns "Your mother was Italian, your father was Irish. They were college students." When I was about 8 or 9 my mom gave me the book "Why was I Adopted?" and I read it. I grew up thinking I was special because my mom and dad went out of their way to adopt me and my brother. I didn't wonder about my birth parents very much. I think I only wondered what they looked like. When I was 23 my birth father found me and we met. But I absolutely feel like the daughter of my (adoptive) parents. That's me personaly. I feel very happy this is the family I have. I think children are great however they come to you and I wish you well on your journey into parenting. God Bless.

1 mom found this helpful