Adoption Will Be Final Soon:) but How to Deal with Ppls Heartless Comments

I read a comment here from someone that said, "Get your own children." Well, let me tell you a little story about someone who DID have their own child. He ran out on her before her first birthday, and has missed every single one since. Let me tell you about another someone...she allowed her daughter to be sexually abused repeatedly, merely turning a blind eye when the poor child finally came to her to tell her about it. Sad stories, no? However, both of their stories have happy endings. The first little girl met a man who came into her mother's life when she was 6 years old, and he has been "Dad" ever since. The second was finally removed from her abusive parents and placed with a true family that loved and cared about her, taking the time to allow the emotional wounds to heal as well as the physical. So tell me, what good is blood when it is used only to hurt and destroy?

And what about the other comment, about who will be there later in life? How many people have we all seen in nursing homes, stuck there by their families, only to be visited once or twice a year? I assure you that the vast majority of those cases are the "own children" of those elderly. I actually just recently was privy to a case where the daughter refused her dying mother appropriate care because it would reduce the amount of money she was to inherit...and it was that poor woman's only daughter. In another case, the step-son of a man has ensured state-of-the-art care (at his own expense) for his step-father who is suffering from Alzheimer's. These are true stories. So tell me again how your "own children" are somehow superior?

An adoptive family is no less valid or loving than a blood-related family. And in many cases of adoption, there is an extra measure of heart that goes into it, because the child is not an unknown variable or a clean slate. As a matter of fact, in pretty much every case of adoption, the adoption occurs because something went wrong in the "natural" order of things for the child. Be it teen pregnancy, or children being orphaned, or the state intervening, something went wrong, and the adoptive family are the people willing to try to make it right. I applaud every adoptive parent, because every one of them are attempting to set things right in the life of a child. It makes me very, very angry that anyone would attempt to cheapen or lessen that gift in any way.

M., never let anyone tell you that you are not their mother, because you are. In every way that matters, you are their mother. Children know what love looks like, and they are very aware of where it is coming from...and where it isn't. Your husband's family isn't likely to change their opinion overnight, if ever...after all, doing so means they must admit to the shortcomings of your husband's sister. Once the adoption is final, I agree with the poster that said to set hard boundaries and let the disparaging family members know that if they continue with the negativity, then their time with the children will be limited or eliminated. You are not doing anything wrong at all. As you yourself said, she had her chance and she blew it. Those kids should not have to suffer one more day for her bad choices. You are NOT taking them away from her, she chose to give them up. Now you ARE their mother, not because they were born to you, but because you chose to be. It is a sacred gift that you give to those children, and I believe it will only get better with time. God love you all.

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Wow, tough situation. Well I know it is hard but I think you will just have to hold your head up high and move forward. You and your husband made a decision and made big sacrifices and that may have to be enough. When my husband and I got married there were some people I am sure who probably didn't approve. He is black, I am white. Sometimes we would go into places and feel like people were just looking at us weird. We have heard some crazy comments along the way, not by family, but by others occasionally. But you know what, one day we just decided we were absolutely not going to care. We love each other, we have the most awesome son on the planet and we are really happy. We have this joke now if we go somewhere and feel people are really eyeing us that the people in there must not be used to seeing such good looking people;) So I know it is family that this comes from which is so hard, but maybe you guys can adopt our don't care policy. Life is short, kids grow so fast, who has time to worry and fret over what others think about decisions that you feel passionate about. I say it is good to keep an open mind and take counsel about some things, you can never say others opinions don't matter at all. BUT where it comes to my kids and my spouse, that is sacred ground, off limits and only those that I trust and know their heart motives very well get any access to those areas. Protect your kids, protect your marriage and just be happy. If you are confident you did what was right, they will probably come around in time. As far as their birth mom goes, just cut her slack and forgive her. She messed up raising them and has massive shame on her and it sounds like because she is a mess really doesn't have a productive way to deal with it. I would try to just sluff her comments off and just keep hoping that she wakes up and gets her life together so maybe someday she can at least know the kids and have a relationship with them on some level. Congrats on your adoption:) Enjoy it with your kids!!

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Hi M.,

First of all, congratulations on the finalization of the adoption. I'm so sorry that your husband's family can't see how you are all blessed by being together, but I am happy for all of you. :)

I do have some advice, if you can bear with my analogy. If instead of being rotten in this aspect, your in-laws were to give you a gift of dog manure on your birthday every year, what would you do? Knowing that they don't care to give you a better gift, and knowing that it is a rotten gift to give, would you still try to talk to them and make them see that you deserve better? No, you probably wouldn't. Once the shock wore off, would you even accept the gift? I doubt it. Would you try to re-gift it to them? Probably not, right?

My point is this: For whatever reasons, they are giving you verbal a gift as nice as dog manure. Don't accept it from them. Carefully and graciously step away from the dog poo. Let them keep their dog poo. Let it go without making the whole house stink. Then wash your hands and be done with it.

When someone gives you such a rotten gift, it has to do with them, not with you. If you accept the gift, you internalize it and allow it to make you feel bad. Then it becomes your dog poo. Yes, I know it DOES feel bad, but you can train yourself to say, "this is his dog poo, not mine. My house is clean." When you get good at that, your heart is expanded with compassion for the poo-gifter. The gift no longer touches you.

I imagine they all might be carrying some guilt around and some love for the wayward family, wishing that things could be different. But things are not different. Through grace you have made things the best they can be and you know that your family is better off, as are those children, because of your togetherness. Let them have their awful gifts. You have your wonderful gifts.

I wish you peace and joy and I pray that their birth family can heal.

4 moms found this helpful

M.,
Those kids could have been adopted by strangers out of state and never seen again by the grandparents. Your husband needs to remind them of that. You two have sacrificed a lot to be good parents to these kids and they don't need to make it harder. This all needs to be said out of earshot of the kids by your husband. The reality is that relatives (and especially parents) of addicts work in a world of denial which just fuels the fires for the addicted person and keeps their own demons at bay. You and your kids do not need to be part of this.
I am not a fan of breaking off with family ever, but I think the kids' needs come first. If the grandparents cannot get on board with that (and they may need therapy to do so) then the supportive aunt becomes the surrogate grandma and they can stay home. Kids don't need, and can't comprehend, mixed messages.
Good luck with this. You have your hands full.
K.

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M.,
I know how you feel. We adopted twin girls that were my nephews children & a little boy that was my niece's baby.
I too with each one thought that it would be temporary but they both ended up giving us custody, then later they signed for us to adopt. I have 7 children all adopted by my oldest son was birthed by a so called friend, the next son was adopted through an agency, my oldest twins were a private adoption (i didn't know the parents either) and then the last three relatives.
The baby is almost 2. When my nieces mom found out I had custody, she came unglued.(even though i had him since he was 8 weeks old) Then when she found out we were adopting him she really threw a fit!! She told me she would always be his granmaw, accused me of "taking" him from her daughter under-handedly etc which wasn't the case at all. The mothers of the last 3 I adopted would rather party & do drugs and have a different man every week than take care of their kids!! Both have other children older than the ones we adopted & one isnt raising any of them, the other did keep her last child, but the 2 older than mine she didnt.
It was very hard for me to let them call me mama, because I loved their birth parents. But what do you do?? We're the ones being a mama to these kids, we are the ones sacrificing our lifestyles to make a home for them to be secure & happy. They too started calling me mama on their own. It was a little hard to adjust too & I found it hard to say "come here let mama fix it for you" or anything referring to me as mama. Well that wore off pretty fast & I adjusted to the fact I Am the mama! You are so right, it takes much more than giving birth to be a mama.
His parents sound like they are defending the daughter regardless of her actions, and because it is their daughter they are resisting the fact that you are the one that is a true mama too them. I agree with Laurie, your husband needs to set down the new rules to his entire family (even his sister). Those children now are legally yours, in the eyes of the law, they were never the birth mom's & never part of that family. I know that because they WERE your husbands sisters children, they are still in the family. But think what if they weren't? Would his family approve then of them calling you mama? Sounds like they have some serious issues & that you & the children both would be better not to mingle with them very often. You sure dont want them messing up the kids heads. Thats my concern with my ex-sister n law. I feel when the baby gets older she will fill his head with stuff & confuse him, so I have decided to shut the doors to her seeing him. I was allowing it, but after much thought, he is our baby, he is not part of her family any longer due to the adoption, so why put myself, the baby & everyone involved through misery the next 18 yrs. Im not! I don't like to hurt people's feelings, but I have children that need me to protect them mentally. You too will have to come to grips with that. Even though you are married into the biological family, you will still need to be the one to protect them mentally, and you are going to have to protect yourself mentally. Your husband needs to protect you from his family's rude remarks and needs to have a family conference with them all. If they can't abide by the new family rules maybe you should distance yourself from them. Afterall, they could have gone into foster care & gotten taken away from her, then the family would have had a hard time seeing them.
There are no easy answers to a situation like this, but you do have to put the kids first no matter what nor who it hurts. Do like the other mom said.HOLD YOUR HEAD UP! You arent the one with a problem, they are :) You have given your all to those children & I admire you for it!!!
I want to add this. In the eyes of the legal system because of adoption, those children are just as if they were conceived my you & your husband. Thats what adoption is all about. So THEY ARE YOUR & YOUR HUSBANDS CHILDREN, just as if you gave birth to them. Dont let anyone steal that thought from your head & your heart!
Feel free to message me if youd like. I have been through my oldest meeting his birth mom, & I feel I have been through all an adopted parent goes through :) But regardless, of the birth mom, the one who raised them, loved them & nurtured them, is the one that holds #1 place in their heart as MOM!!
Best Wishes to you & your new family!!
Linda

3 moms found this helpful

Relationships with in-laws can be the most difficult! I don't understand why they would want the children to be raised by a mother who is unable to care for them (much less herself!)

Don't allow them to steal your joy. You ARE doing the right thing--and may the Lord richly bless you for it! I would tell the in-laws that you are considering the needs of the children first and that you have encouraged them to learn about their other family. Also tell them that you need their support if you are going to be able to raise these two precious kids and give them a sense of love and security that would not be possible with their birth mother. (To tell you the truth, your in-laws' attitudes sound like they are more concerned with "ownership" of the children, not their welfare!!)

Anyway, I am praying for you.

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A mother is someone who loves and takes care of the children, giving them what they need. I have given birth to my five kids, but I feel that you don't have to give birth to them for you to love them. When I can no longer have my own I want to make my home a safe haven for kids in need. How else will the world be better if we don't open our hearts and homes?
Congratulations! Keep up the good work. It might not be easy, but they will see eventually. Have faith. God Bless!

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From what I understand there would be no adoption if the parents both of them did not sign the papers. Even if the children were taken from them for some reason. The birth parents gave them up, no you. You and your husband wanted then to stay with each other and not in the system. THAT is what is so good about this. Good for you. You and your husband are showing your true selves. God bless.

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You and your husband are wonderul people to take on such a tremendous responsibility. Your children are so blessed to have you as you are to have them. Regardless what anyone says, you are the mother of those children. You are absolutely correct that it requires more than just giving birth to be a mother. I adopted my son and it was supposed to be an open adoption, where the birth family would still be able to see him. I was not opposed to this & would have held up my end of the bargain, however my primary interest was my son and nobody else. The family was making things very difficult & I did not feel it was in his best interest to hear all of the heartless remarks that were being made. Right before the adoption was final, they decided that they didn't want him with us anymore, however they didn't want him either. They wanted him to go back into the system & stay there until he was eighteen & have visitation thru the state. We fought it and we won.

Your husband & you need to stand up for yourselves & your children. Don't let anyone tell you that you are not their mother or you did something wrong because you havn't.

I'm tickled for you about your upcoming adoption date & wish your family all of the best. Sounds like you guys are wonderful parents.

God Bless

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First I would like to commend you on what you have done. It takes a very strong person to take on someone else's children and love them like you do these two children. They are both very lucky to have a mom and dad to care about them like you do. One of these days the rest of your husbands family will realize what a selfless thing that ya'll have done and love you for that but until then now that you have done the right thing and that if nothing else God is there to help you through this hard time and know that a mom is not just someone who gives birth to child. A mom is someone who loves and takes care of a child no matter what. And you are that kind of mom. May God Bless your happy family and congratulations on the adoption.

C. Goodson

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What you are doing is for the children and not for your in-laws. Obey God and leave the consequences to Him. Time hopefully will heal all wounds. Just continue to do what you are doing and turn the comments over to God and let Him handle them. In-laws are hard even when you gave birth. Comments made not in front of the children, I would roll them off and try to understand they are viewing things from a different place in life than where you are and reality is. Comments made in front of the children, I would not allow. Simply ask that adult matters not be exposed to the children. If they cannot adhere to that, I would limit their exposure. Focus only on what's a healthy environment for the children and let bygons be bygons. The truth will prevail. If you have to respond, simply say this is where God has brought you and you couldn't be happier. Pray for His guidance and strength.

Best wishes to you all!

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M., First let me say that you are an amazing woman! It takes someone so special to do what you are doing. My stepmom "adopted" me when I was 14. My real mom had me living with a relative here and another there growing up so long story short, she wasn't a very good mom to me. By the time my dad married my step mom, I had A LOT of anger issues. None the less, she stuck by me and over the years we have become best friends. I can't imagine what my life would have been without her. I don't think you should even listen to what everyone is saying if it's not something positive. I mean, would they rather be with a mother who doesn't really mother them? That makes no sense to me at all. Take it from a kid of someone who did for me what you are doing for them.....get some tough skin FOR THE KIDS. If you aren't already, you will be one of their greatest life's heroes. What you are doing for them is immeasurable and they will appreciate so much one day. I promise! Keep your focus where it is...on the kids, not on the nay sayers. If you ever need some encouragement, get right back on here because YOU ARE a very special person! My hat is off to you girl! :)

2 moms found this helpful

Family can be so ugly at times. You just need to do what is best for "Your" children. There is nothing wrong with them calling you momma. You are probably the best thing to happen to those kids. Doesn't sound like anyone else stepped up to help out your husbands sister.
God bless you and your husband for being able to raise them.

M. G.

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You are in a pickle. I think that when the birth mother and your husband's family say those mean & hateful things they are lashing out about the promise of what could have been. It is unfair to you, and it is unfair to your husband and those 2 precious children. They are angry at the daughter who for whatever reason couldn't handle being a mom. Rationally, they know that it is the daughter's fault; they know those kids are better off with you guys; but emotionally they are angry at the daughter who couldn't hack it but they can't take it out on her - so they take it out on you.
You don't say what your husband does when they do this - or how his family treats him. If he is well liked, he may have to stand up to his sister and his family and tell them to cease and desist.
When those adoption papers come through - you will be their legal mommy. Just as if you bore them. Families are made by work and toil. It takes more than just popping a baby out to make you a mom - a mom who just births babies and then goes ahead and ruins her life and doesn't provide for them so they have to be taken in by other family members - isn't a mom! She is still just a child. She really knows that. She probably doesn't like the idea much - but she can't strike back at herself & you are handy.
Someday, that family will thank you. But you may have to get tough with them. You might need to limit visitation at some point. When those papers come through - you will have the power. Let them know that you consider them to be toxic to YOUR CHILDREN and to their Grandchildren. Whenever they get on thier nasty remarks, take your children & leave. Remind them that YOU 2 took these kids in when their daughter couldn't handle being a Mom and that you have given them the home and stability she wouldn't. That you ARE their mom now, and you feel sorry for their daughter, and that in some respects - They were the reason she turned out like she did. Demand the respect that you deserve and your husband should demand that respect too ... that even though you understand their pain and frustration that it does not give them the right to be ugly.
This is a hard situation to be in. Our neighbors got custody of their grandchild at about the 2 year old mark because their daughter couldn't keep off drugs. They adopted her. She just turned 13 and is one of the sweetest girls ever. Her mom comes to see her and is finally, hopefully straightening her life up. She really does understand that it was the best thing for her daughter - but she was very angry & resentful for awhile.
Just be as nice as you can - but don't 'wear a sign that lets them walk on you'. Pray. Just keep reminding them that Mothers are the ones who do the day to day stuff - the ones who are there for the kids when the boogey bears show up. YOU ARE THAT PERSON - THEIR DAUGHTER IS NOT. Dad's are the ones who provide for the family and who care about the kids enough to stick around, build their lives and characters and Parent's teach kids right from wrong by their actions. Their Son is that father & you 2 are the parents. Much luck - you will be in my thoughts & prayers.
GJK

By the way, I guess that I feel so powerfully about this because I am an adopted kid. My folks apparently talked my birth mom out of an abortion (she'd had a few before). I was born 3 weeks early and spent the first 2 weeks of my life in an incubator. My folks took me home and adopted me shortly after. My Mom died when I was 21 and my Dad is almost 97. Before she died, my mom told me that my birth mother had turned her life around after I was born; settled down, got married and had children. I had two wonderful parents who were my Mom & my Dad. I often wonder about my birth mom; but I thank my lucky stars that I have these 2 people in my life.

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Hello M.,

Congratulations to your new family! Bri and Cub are so blessed to have you and your husband as mommy and daddy, and you and your husband are so blessed to have Bri and Cub as your children. What an exciting time!

For your new family's sake, just keep focusing on the positive aspects of being a family and that y'all are going to be great parents. A "Mommy" does not just apply to being a biological mother...giving birth is just one part...raising children is the other and it is definitely the toughest job on this planet (no matter what anyone else says).

Unfortunately, so many folks in our society use so much energy/effort to put others down instead of applying that same energy/effort to be supportive. Folks put others down to make themselves feel better...which is a very, very sad state of mind.

The core of this whole situation revolves around the children...it is the welfare of the children that is important - they deserve the best upbringing possible or else the whole cycle (that their birth mother has gone thru') will just repeat itself.

Keep your head up high and again, always thank God every day for the wonderful blessings He has bestowed on you and your hubby.

Keep praying for your inlaws (and the birth mother) and accept the fact that THEY need to mature and have a change of mind and heart. It is out of your control...turn it all over to God and He will take care of it his way. If you do this, then you will feel a great weight come off of your shoulders. It is not your responsibility to change them. If they make rude comments in front of the children, then teach your children what is right and wrong just like us other moms do if we were in that same situation. Protect their hearts since God instructs us to do so.

As Eleanor Roosevelt once said, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." AMEN!

Congratulations again on this joyous event and celebrate like there is no tomorrow! You and your hubby must stay strong for the sake of YOUR children.

Blessings to you always!

Hugs, Smiles, Peace, and Grace always,
K.
(mommy to three of God's beautiful children)

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This is your husband's family you are talking about. It is his responsibility to inform them that you are helping to raise the children of THEIR offspring. Get off the defensive. As long as you let them browbeat you, they will. They don't like the children calling you Mom....tough cookies. You are the one raising them so that is only natural. Don't let these people upset you. Did any of them request custody? Probably not. Hang in there and make a happy home and if the rest want to be a part of it they must accept the situation as it is. But your husband has to take the lead or it won't work.

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Hello, First let me say "Good for you for standing up to this Mary K" After reading your response, I looked for what she had written to see just how someone could possibly make you out to be the bad guy here, and well apparently it has been removed,and for good reason I am sure!
Now as to your situation...You are not under any obligation to prove yourself or your intentions to your in-laws. It is their own blind, ugly selfishness, that makes them think that your motives are anything less than love for these children that you have already given up so much to give them a good stable home and loving family. Please don't think that you have to do anything more than that. I see you have a good heart, and completely understand why you want them to understand and see you as you really are, but it's not your job to convince them. Your children already know who you really are, and how much you love them. And these children aren't any less "your" children than if they came from your own womb! A mother is the one that is there to wipe the runny/ sniffling noses, and listen, and teach, and hug and do all those everyday things, not the person who got pregnant and kept the child to term. I pray that God blesses you and your hubby and those beautiful little children, and that someday the family sees you for the angel you are. God bless You!

2 moms found this helpful

It is so neat to read your post and hear another example of two people who have sacrificed their own personal wants for the sake of two precious children!

Sometimes it is hard for people to see that level of sacrifice without feeling guilty. As one pastor always said, "Hurt people hurt people." Never let a hurting person make you feel bad for doing what obviously is right for these children.

You just keep smiling and remind hurtful people that you are sorry they feel that way (because it is pitiful) but you are the doing what you feel is best for these children. And that you have such great peace that the Lord is blessing your decisions. If they continue, just keep repeating the same things over and over again with a smile. They will finally quit because they can't get into a dialogue with you.

May God continue to bless you and your husband! We don't get to hear that many great stories on the news or in the paper anymore of such self-sacrifice. I have been blessed just to read your post.

I hope you are having a wonderful celebration of the adoption!

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I commend you. The Lord sees all your sacrifices and has brought much love into your family. Keep doing what you're doing. Sometimes it takes years for people to see the truth and be grateful. You're getting God's approval, you don't need "man's".

2 moms found this helpful

I know that what they say is harsh but sometimes it is out of guilt or remorse that they aren't more supportive. How do they treat your husband? It may be hard especially because it is your in-laws but do your best to stay grounded in the word and god's promises. Alot of great people are ridiculed and put down but to the people that it really matters to (god, your husband, your kids) the effort is seen. Not everyone would do what you did. I am praying for you and your family. The mother whether she wants to admit it or not knows she has to do better but sometimes when you are so low you just want to blame someone else or make another person feel as bad as you do. You do what's right(which you have been) and let god take care of the rest. Pray about everything, worry about nothing. I know that is definately easier said then done but don't let them steal this joyous day that is coming. You all deserve to enjoy it and celebrate.

By the way congratulations on getting married.

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M.:

If only every child in this world had someone who loved them SO much as to be willing to take on the disapproval of others for the child's best interest. Please ignore those that are pulling you down when all you are doing in following your heart.

And as for the "own children" comments... shame on you! The process of birthing a child is NOT what makes you a loving parent. Those that are willing to step beyond their own flesh and blood and sacrifice for a child not of their own womb are the ones that should be honored. Kudos to all men and women who choose to hold a child's best interest at heart.

2 moms found this helpful

I totally understand where you are coming from. We adopted our granddaughter several years ago. Her birth mother our daughter never took care of her no matter how much we tried to teach her. She was 15 when she gave birth and she was so self absorber that she would hold the pacifier in D mouth to try to shut her up at night and so she didn't have to feed her. I was livid with rage when I found out. So from that point on we have cared for her as if she were our own. We called ourselves Gammy and Gampy to her and that is how it was but when she started really talking one day when we were eating dinner she called me Mommy and my husband Daddy and we tried to correct her and she said no, Mommy and Daddy! And that was all she would call us from that point forward. She knew in her heart of hearts that we were her parents and what it takes to be a parent. The being there when they are sick, happy, sad, hurt, birthdays, holidays, first tooth loss, first day of school and so on and so on.
So when these people say things to you, you tell them it has been the childs choice all along and they know whom takes care of them and whom will be there for them forever!!!!! any one can give birth to a child, but you chose in your heart to be a mother and the birth mothers in these situations never get the point of stepping up to the plate and doing what is required.
You are a trully Awesome person and it takes guts to do this and you have what it takes and you go for it and to heck with all those whom upose it, as time will tell the truth of the matter.

2 moms found this helpful

My first thought would be to encourage your husband's input with his family members. Another source of advice from folks who understand the situation might be from an adoptive parents' group - possibly one could be found online or through community resources, or ask the adoption agency for any info they might have. As far ask the children, do your best to shield them from all the negative; keep reassuring them that they are loved and cared about.

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I think you are doing a beautiful thing! You are making 2 children's lives so much better! They will forever be grateful to you. You know in your heart that you are doing the right thing. Stay true to that and forget the others.
Blessings to you!

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Hi! It takes a great lady to want to adopt someone else's kids. I think that is very unselfish. I would not respond to the ugly negative comments made at or towards you. Instead focus on the kids and your husband, all the positive that you have done and are doing. Also, don't dwell on the situation because this just makes you appear and then be insecure. I know it is hard but the kids know what you've done for them. They will always treasure you! Kids grow up and they know who loves them, who was there for them and they see everything. Pretty soon they will be defending you. People will often change for the sake of children. I hope that this happens soon for you. And if they don't at least you know that you handled yourself and the situation well. Hang in there and God bless.

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All I can say is you are doing you're best to do what's right and you should be commended for that!! I have a feeling that your husband's family may resent you a little because they weren't able or willing to help out when you were. It is not a burden you should bare. What you're doing is outstanding and a very honorable thing!! I hope your husband has the strength to stand up to his family and calmly explain to them that the comments are unacceptable. He needs to have a very open and pointed conversation to everyone involved and explain to them that neither of you will tolerate their unwanted opinions/comments. Also tell them that they need to keep in mind that you are trying to do what is best for these 2 deserving children and they should be using their energy to do what's best for them as well. Family tension is not good for anyone and there's no need for it. No need to get ugly because that will only make things worse. Just do the best you can and if they are unable to change things around then keep your distance. you don't deserve that kind of negativity and you should not allow yourself to be affected by it. I know it's hard, but if you accept their inconsiderate behavior they will not stop. You are giving these children a family and because of that you are their mommy without a doubt!! Good luck to you and stay strong!

1 mom found this helpful

Hi M.. What you are doing is one of the most beautiful things that anyone can do. DO NOT think for one minute that you can please all the people all the time. You know in your heart of hearts that you are doing the best thing humanly possible for the well being of these very lucky children. You and your husband enjoy the wonderful life that you and the children will have and ignore the ignorance of all the people that have negative comments about the adoption. They need to walk a mile in the shoes of the children who were not appreciated by the so called biological mother. I could write a book on this subject if I'm not careful. Enjoy your new family and God Bless.

L.

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wow!! Bless You!!

you certainly have a big heart, but if that were me- i would have blown up at the family a long time ago. it is not your fault that the birth mother could not step up to the plate. and you took in those kids when anyone else could have too. it is time for a show down. they call you mom because that is all they know is you.and the next time the birth mother tries to make you feel bad..ignore it and ignore the rude comments everyone else has in the process. DO NOT HOLD ONTO A GUILTY CONSCIENCE BECAUSE OF THEM. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT!!!!! As for the rest of the family....they had their chance, where were they when the kids needed a home????? and where was there mother????

forget about the rest and love those kids like they are yours, because the courts would not have given you sole custody and the chance to adopt if the birth mother was even remotely trying to get her life on track for those kids.

Adopt and forget about the nasty comments, put it on the back burner.Hold your head up high and simply when those comments arise say "Where were you???"

God bless you!!!

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You and your husband have been given a wonderful gift - that is the one thing you should focus on. You are correct - you do not actually have to give birth to a child to a that child's mom or dad - that title comes with the love, affection and devotion you give that child.

It's sad that your in laws have such a sour disposition abou the situation. Would they really rather the children grow up and be raised by people who love them, protect them and will do whateve is possible to give them what they need and want - or do they want them to be raised in a situation that is neither safe or loving?

One day you may very well have children of your own, and if you do, it sounds as if your house will be big enough and full of enough love to welcome that child (children) into the equation.

Keep in mind that although it is important for children to know where they come from and what their family history is....it is more important to keep children away from poison and hurtful things. As they grow up and become stronger and able to think for themselves and defend themselves, they can make the decision as to whether or not they want to be involved with your in law side of the family. In the mean time - do the right thing and send picture updates, have the kids send cards, etc.....

Your "Mommy Gut" will tell you what you need to do and not lead you astray.

Good luck with the adoption - celebrate with ice cream sundaes with all the toppings afterwards!

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You are a loving woman to open your heart to those children. I think a family meeting is in order (without the kids), before the adoption. Invite them to a celebration and create an open forum where everyone can speak from the heart, including you. Chances are, the birth mother is angry at herself (not you) for not being able to care for her kids. If she is not qualified, then what are the options for the kids? Tell his family that you need their "support", and blessings to raise the children, include them. Let the birth mother tell you her true feelings and see if she needs to be "accomodated" in some way. Maybe she feels pushed out, or jealous, or just plain sad. Let her tell you how she wants to be a part their lives. Let her know that you recognize her as their mother and are willing to take on the role of spiritual mom. Tell her the sacrifices you are willing to make, and have made. It's a win/win situation for everyone and I'm certain that the family will see it as such. Good luck.

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It's a hard thought to express, but if you have "toxic" negative people in your life, you need to limit your time around them. Maybe you don't have a big celebration after the adoption with those people. Maybe you have a quiet, intimate family day and do something fun. But your husband will have to take the lead on this and answer questions if any. Your involvement with in-laws by taking a stand would not be good. It makes you the daugther in law they will all love to hate. Your husband will have to deal with them.

Both my grandmothers are deceased. I had one who just lit up a room and was amazing! The other was always grumpy, always mean and never had a nice thing to say. She came to my high school graduation party and ruined it. I begged my parents to not bring her to my bridal shower but they did. They felt that as grandmother, she should be entitled to be there. My best friend ran interference for me all day so that I wouldn't hear her biting remarks and demands to be served!
Why do we go thru all those gymnastics for negative people?? Since when do we have to spend a lot of time with people or invite them to celebrations just because they are family?

Best of luck to your new family!

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Mary K sounds like a mother who's children were taken away from her? Birth mother is a absolutely appropriate label for the woman who simply and only gave birth. "Mommy" is the gracious lady who loved them, raised them, and nutured them. Stand up for yourself M. and don't let the evils of this world rule yours!

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You are their MOM !!!!! And if I were you, once the adoption is cleared I'd make sure and tell anyone with comments that they are yours now.

Good luck, you sound like a wonderful person.
Debra

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All you can control is your end. Make sure you continue to do what you're doing: making sure they know who their birth mom and dad are, making sure they understand why they have been adopted (in a positive light), making sure they can accept that with grace and confidence, making sure that they and everyone else understands that you never wanted to "replace" their "mom" but that you love them and wanted to help.

Consider having them call their mom and dad "mama _____ and daddy _____". My brother did this when his wife died and left him 3 small children. He remarried and they called his new wife MOM, the only mom they really remember. But, they always refer to their biological mom as Mama Cindy. It shows respect and connection to both their first mom and their second mom.

They family will notice this and it will be very natural for the kids. Ignore the family comments. They are probably not meant in an evil manner. (But, even if they are - ignore it, unless they are doing so in front of the children). They are probably just speaking out and expressing their concerns. They do have concerns and they have a right to have concerns. This is a very awkward situation on every end. Allow them their time to get used to things. Show nothing but respect and grace and they will eventually come around knowing how good this has been for the kids. But, no matter what - control your end. Do what's right and let them come to their own conclusions. They are naturally going to defend their own blood relative. That's very natural. They may even feel guilty not doing so.

Don't play the martyr. They won't pity you. It will only bring resentment on every end. They may never thank you for doing this. They may never see the sacrifice. They may always hold your motivations as suspect. All you can do is deny any accusations when necessary. If in a few, it gets too bad, then confront the individual person privately and explain how you need their support not their criticism for the kids' sake. If they are a reasonable person, they probably didn't realize how bad their comments affect you. If they are an unreasonable person, then no matter what you say it will only make it worse. Ignore it. Just pity them knowing that they are grieving over this situation in their own way and that they can't get over it. (That will help you move on.)

Also, make sure that you give them benefit of doubt always. It is possible and probable that you are being overly sensitive to their comments and the truth lies somewhere in the middle. (It's not as bad as you think and their comments are harsher then they intend.) I do this and many women do this. Consider that. We can get too defensive and take things way out of proportion. Once that chip gets on your shoulder, it will get harder and harder and then it will be your fault and not theirs. I've been there. Don't fall into that ditch. It's very hard to climb out.

Let your husband handle the family comments when necessary as much as possible. It is his family. Let him deal with it as he sees fit. He knows them better than you do and how he deals with it will probably be the best choice. He is more rational than you and doesn't get as worked up as you, I bet. Follow his lead. Don't rush to defend yourself only because your pride is hurt and they aren't grateful to you. Only defend yourself if they are making things awkward for the kids.

Make sure they stay in some sort of contact with their biological parents no matter how the parents respond, even if it is just through pictures.

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Congratulations!! I am so happy for you and your family.

Remember they are your family and you have a right to protect them. You need to make sure you have your husband on your side and go from there to what feels right and let go of the guilt that you have.

Invite everyone that you want to come and celebrate. If there are those that are coming that are not so supportive than you need to ask that A. they either don't come for this joyous occasion. OR B. they come and celebrate and leave their negative feelings at home. Tell them this is a family celebration for the kids to see that they are loved by all the family it is not just about one person. Everyone needs to see the joy you and your husband have for these children and how happy the children are to be with both of you.

God Bless You!! And good luck.

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Just keep your head up and remember who you are in christ. Also remember you are doing it for those kids. Keep doing what you are doing.

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You've really, already said what needs to be said....You were blessed to be able to take these children into your home, love them and give them a secure place to live and grow. May God forever bless you for that effort. Not many people would do what you have done to make sure someone else's children have a chance at life. If his family felt so strongly about the decision that you guys made, then they should have stepped up to the plate and handled the situation before you had to step in and do it. Those children call you mom because you have been a "mom" to them and believe me, children will remember "love." Unfortunately, the family is just jealous of the bond you have established with the children and they are dealing with their own guilt for not doing what they knew they should have done. That's their problem. My advice to you would be to continue to pray and ask GOD to let their comments bounce off you like a rubber ball and keep on loving those children so that they may have some kind of "normal" life. You and your husband are doing the right thing and never let anyone make you feel any different. I know you would like to have all the family participate in the celebration but if it's only the "faithful few," then so be it and celebrate, celebrate, celebrate! Don't allow mean spirited people to ruin your day for you. Your family deserves to celebrate a special time such as this. GOD will take care of the others. Congratulations and May GOD continue to bless you richly!

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Families are made many ways, adoption is just the way you chose for now. The kids need to call someone mom..it helps to ground them and feel they are the same as everyone else. As for birthmom, her nastiness comes from a place of jealousy and should be ignored..you didn't do anything except pick up the pieces of these childrens broken lives and put them back together..if people can't see that they are not worth having in your life. If you didn't get the kids they would be in foster care and being adopted by strangers, this way they get to stay in the family. We adopted six kids, so this is a subject near and dear to my heart. Stay strong and enjoy YOUR children, regardless of how they came to you, they are YOURS.
Be Blessed,
D.

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God Bless you and your husband and congratulations for making it this far! I don't have time to read all of the comments right now to get a feel for what other's sense, but off the cuff... here are my gut feelings...
1. All that matters are the KIDS, not all of this other drama. Keep that focus and do the best you can for their sake. When you question something, ask yourself if what they are saying or requesting is in the best interest of the peace, security and consistency of the children in the long run.
2. You did not ask for this situation and apparently, no one else stepped up to help, so as long as the best interest of the children spiritually, emotionall and physically is the priority then (after the adoption) you and your husband have the last word. Period. Give the rest up to God and let the other stuff go the best that you can.
3. In my opinion, your husband should be on the front line handling his family's concerns, objections and even praise. That is his relationship to maintain and monitor to shelter the children from feeling all of that stress and protect you, too.
4. If it continues to get to you, maybe some professional counseling or guidance would be helpful to you and your husband and/or the children. It is a complicated situation for anyone, even someone who deals with this professionally.

I certainly do not have any criticism for you and wish you all the best. It is clear that you have sacrificed so much and are willing to go to the ends of the earth to make sure these children are cared for... God Bless You! Turn to God and keep Christ in your lives as your compass. He will always see you thru.

Best Wishes...
M.

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I don't really have any advice for you but would like to commend you on the job you are doing with your sister-in-law's children. You are correct in saying that a mother is not just the person that gave birth to you, but the person who raised you and is there day in and day out to support, comfort, and nurture you. I wish you the best of luck in your situation and congratulations on legally (not only in namesake) becoming their mother.

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Don't let other people's comments affect you so much. You are a wonderful person with love to give and you and your husband are building a great family for the kids. If other family members make comments, try not to socialize with them. This may be difficult, but you do not have to put up with negativity towards you . You need to stand up for yourself. J. K.

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You have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. If the family don't understand that you have helped these children have a better life, then that's their problem. Just pray for them. As far as the celebratory adoption party, go ahead ith your plans. It is a joyous occasions. Thank God for people like you, who stood up and took on this awesome responsibility. Did any of the family members that are giving you problems want the kids? We both know the answer to that. I will kee you and your family in my prayers.

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That is a very hard situation!

First, I would keep most of this to yourself and you DH. They will either come around, or they wont. There is nothing that you can do to change their minds. Where were they when these kids need help? You and you DH stepped in.

Once the adoption is final, no matter what anyone says, they are YOUR kids. No one else's. If you want to have other children with your DH that is your business and no one else's.

Invite them to the adoption celebration, but do not expect them to come. Always invite them to everything. Your children can make this decision to exclude them when they are older, but you need to include them now. Try your best to keep everything neutral and by all means, do not say anything negative in front of them. You almost have to treat this as a divorce.

Good Luck!!

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Just remember, the people making nasty comments are NOT taking the best interests of the children to heart. KUDOS to you for stepping up to the plate and raising those kids in a loving and supportive environment. Children need stable parents. You are their Mom. Snakes have babies and leave them. That is reproduction. Staying in the trenches day in and day out is what being a Mom is all about. Those kids will remember for the rest of their lives who help them up. The naysayers are probably feeling horrible because they didn't step up when the call came. You should be proud. If those people cannot be positive then don't go around them. You should celebrate your "Birth" day (adoption.) You all should do something special (even on the cheap - a nice dinner at home with candles on the table.) Celebrate it every year like an anniversary. Good luck to you...We all believe in you. Don't let petty jealousy ruin your outlook.

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First, I commend you for taking on such a big task with a new husband especially since she was not your sister, but his. I think it's wonderful that the adoption is almost finished as well.

Your husband definitely needs to stand up to his parents, etc... whoever is making you feel bad. Although it is not in any parents nature to let their children look bad, I'm sure that his parents are just trying to stand up for their daughter, Even though she is not capable of taking care of her own doings. You also have the right to stand up to them and tell them that you are more a mother to them than their own mother. You might want to also remind them that they didn't take on the task either.

If you feel uncomfortable with saying anything to them, then your husband needs to stand ground for both of you. If it persists, then ignore it because they are not always in your home. You have your new family and that is all that matters.

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responce to the your own children by saying " oh but how could you not love these kids like your own". what ever comment they say after fogive. Forgiveness is the key here these people are suffering and are dealing with there own deamons/flaws. keep forgiving. God has a plan listen to him with an open heart and what he has for you. I would invite them to the celebration of the adoption but be prepaired to have no shows. Cleve to your spouce and leave the parents. Since this is your inlaws its truly your husbands responcibility to put a stop to it. they love him unconditionaly but you they could take anytype of standing up to them and begin to hate you for it. but the family member ( you husband ) should be the one to say stop.

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Congratulations with the adoptions. These kids need to be lovingly parented and have responsible legal guardians! And that is what I see.

Alas, "you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink" is all too true. Remember, in your heart, all of the wonderful things you are helping these children receive for a full and happy life.

Those who speak ill of you and your husband don't understand and you can try, but probably will never come to understand. Some are just not looking at these children's other options (somewhere between nil and none) and therefore argue.

Asking your husband to intervene when some of his family speak harshly, even just saying that he is with you in this decision, etc, will go a long way toward helping you bounce those awful comments off your skin.

Your email is so nicely written. I wonder if your husband would send a copy of it to those in his family. Some will just press delete but there may be some who will think it over.

I'll keep you in my prayers! God bless!

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Dear M.:

I know exactly what you are going through. Our brother and his girlfriend have 4 little girls that are neglected by their mom and my brother being much older than their mom works two jobs and tries to cook, repair an old house and and clean but he can only do so much. Their mom is lazy and just does not care. She wants to sleep and make the eldest who is 12 take care of her siblings. CPS took custody of the kids about 3 years ago and my sister took temporary custody and this caused quite an uproar with our brother and the rest of us. They tend to think that someone just wants their kids even though we all have kids of our own, when actually we just want the kids to be cared for and the eldest not to be under so much pressure to care for her sisters. She has failed several grades and has not had a chance to be a kid. Please place all ill made comments in God's hands and do what you feel is best. CPS gave the kids back to their mom and my sister is forced to take them every weekend at the kids request and this is allowed by their mother so that she will not have to deal with them. My sister buys all their cloths and if not for her they would never go to church, receive Christmas and Easter presents or school cloths. We realize that my brother and his wife are using us but still we do what we must. It is just sad that the kids have to return to a filthy home every sunday evening. We are not allowed in their home and are forced to pick the kids up in the driveway but can only imagine the filth on the other side of the door. We would love to see their parents get their lives together and do what is right but sadly some women should never have kids and if I could I would demand that she never do so again. Nasty is too nice of a word for her.

Dear M.,
Several days have passed and I have fallen behind on reading so I hope you will still receive this.....you have received many emails but this is what I would like to offer to you and your family....and I am not sure where you are located.....but in Austin TX there is a non profit organization called Adoption Knowledge Affiliates an educational organization whose purposes are to foster understnading of adoption issues and to serve as a resource to people whose lives are touched by adoption, the professionals who work with them and the general public.AKA is hosting the 17th Annual Adoption conference "Oppostion to Connection to Inspiration" on November 13 & 14 in Austin. Please check out the web site www.adoptionknowledge.org. This is a unique organization and it is made up of prospective and adoptive parents, birth parents, birth grandparents, and professionals. There is an extensive lending library that you can check out materials if you are a member(and the membership is cheap)....the group meets monthly and there are edcautional speakers and then breaking into support groups......there are people from all walks of life and every scenerio you can imagine and I know you will find support, answers and a level of openness that you can connect with.
I wish you and your family nothing but the best and enjoy the journey and adventures that are coming your way.
Take care,
Sincerely,
J. H.

Hi Dear,

In real life, you are doing a good thimg but there will be time no matter what those children will go back to their mother( parents) when they grow up.they will look for them .Believe me, even to forget of the people they took care of them from childhood, But God may not let that thing happen to you.

One thing you need to understand, there's nothing like to have your own children( that's life).Your kids will comfort you when Bri and Cub depart your way.

My advise is, now that you are not working use that oportunity to have your own child or children that can grow up with Cub and Bri.Theres nothing like the fruit of your own womb. Get you onw children, period.

Bless you for doing your part helping children. Children are so important, it's so sad that most people do not see that. They think that children should be exposed to whatever, and deal with the consequences. I am going through some things myself, with my mother, who I love dearly! What I can tell you is that if God is calling you to do this, which is what it seems, then you do it happily no matter what ANYONE thinks. The only thing that you need to worry about is following the will of God. Unfortunately, there is nothing that you can say to make the family accept this situation. Therefore, humble yourself and do not argue. If they say something that is false, reject it in your mind, tell them that you are following the Lord, and doing what you believe is right. Pray for the family, that God will reveal to them the truth so that they can see(and reveal to you whatever you are doing wrong). Remember that God is doing a marvelous work, even though we cannot see the full effect and blessings at this time. By you helping to raise these children in a Godly home, you are impacting so much in the kingdom of God, so much that you don't even know. Keep your faith, do not let Satan come in and do what he does. Stay focused on God, always praying. Anytime that you are attacked, remind yourself that this is not personal. Satan is trying to tear your spirit down. Remember Ephesians 6:11-18. We are not fighting a battle with flesh, we are fighting a battle against spiritual darkness. I'm going to close now, but please contact me if you want to talk to me about this. God bless you and may God be with you always!!

hi M.
bless you and your husband. You are truly parents with a huge heart.
Mommies and Daddy's are not only made by birth but great mommies and daddy's are made in the heart. Your children are so very blessed to have both, even if the birth parents are not active in their lives. You are they MOMMIE. SOME ARE BIRTH BORN AND SOME ARE HEART BORN..
I cannot express how lucky your children are to have such wonderful parents.
I know you would hope for everyone to be in agreement with you and your husband but if they do not share in your happiness then it is they that are missing the blessings.
let it fall off your shoulders- do not harbour it and do not let it come between you and your children and other family members. Just keep doing what you are doing to raise these children in a loving home.
blessings and good luck

I am a mom of three wonderful little boys through the miracle of adoption. Know that no matter what the family says you are doing the right thing for the children. Their birthmother had a chance to fix things and CHOSE not to take it. I think you should find someone you trust to watch the children and have a family meeting. Start out with a prayer, all of you, and ask the Lord to help everyone understand how you both feel and what you are REALLY trying to tell them. Ask your husband to share his feelings. If they can't come around after that then I think, and I could be wrong, I am not perfect, that they need to be told that until they are willing to accept the fact that you love these children and are doing what is best for THEM that you won't be able to take the children around them to be poisoned with their negativity.
You may also want to go to the web site itsaboutlove.org and watch some of the videos that talk about the birthmother not giving up her child but that she is giving them more. Maybe if they saw something like that and you explain that is why you adore and love these children the family will understand better. I am so sorry that you are having to go through this. I know it is hard. Keep praying that their hearts will be softened toward you and the adoption. Trust in the Lord and don't worry about them. I know family is important, but as you said before, you now have these little ones to care for and they don't need to be exposed to all of that. I will pray for you!!and your family

I know you've received a lot of response to your question but I thought I would add something.

From what I understood from your post, the birth mother's family are the ones who are causing you grief, right? To me it sounds like the birth mother's parents are a lot like her.

Also, I grew up in a similar situation. I wasn't the adopted child, but my cousin was. Her mother had 5 daughters and was unfit to raise them. My parents took my cousin / sister in at the age of 11 months old. And then adopted her. She's almost 14 now. :) She is my sister and I adore her. But, technically she's my cousin. My mother never referred to the birth mother (my Aunt) as my sister's Mom. My Sis called my mom her mother and always has. She knows where she came from, but that's about it. In our situation, our relatives (we have a huge family) knew this was the best situation for the kids who were taken away. This kept the kids in our family.

Don't let your in-laws make you feel guilty for keeping these kids in the family and giving them a DECENT loving, normal home! It sounds like they are angry people and that probably won't change, no matter how hard you try. Do not cast your pearls before swine. Good luck.

M., The problem I see here is you giving people the power to validate you and what you are doing. You can't be a people pleaser and please God at the same time. If you feel that you are doing is the right thing by God and you and your husband are in agreement, then you can't worry about what other people including family, in-laws and I would let them know that you don't care what they think especially if they are being rude. Let it be their problem and not yours.

Dear M., what a wonderful gift you are giving those two children. Do not question you and your husband's motives to love the children. Accept that the birthmother was not/is not able to raise her children. People often want to place blame, faultfind when they have strong feelings about something. Their criticism and hurtful comments are displaced. They are actually angry that the birthmother, their daughter or neice was unable to fulfill the role of parenting the children she bore. Fortunately for the children, you were there to embrace them. Do not defend your position to them. Sometimes not responding to hurtful comments speaks more than anything you could say. I would invite them to the adoption celebration with the understanding that celebrating the children being loved and well cared for is what will be honored. Not the birthmother's inability, you taking them away or any other such nonsense. Celebrate that the children are loved. Or they could stay home and lament who might have adopted them across the country and never be seen again. When announcing the party include, "Join us in celebration or stay to yourselves in misery."
Stop trying to prove or defend your motives to them or any one else. Be happy that you have a loving heart and the children love you, Mom. Actions speak louder than words. As the children get older they will see that whatever insult their birthmother makes will not hold up compared to the love you give them. Tell the kids she is just disappointed that she was not able to take care of you. Providing a loving home environment for children is never wrong. Peace and blessings to you and your family.