Adopted Biracial Girl Child Wants to Be "White" Age 5 - Gonzales,LA

It's not unusual for kids to want to look like other kids,
whether it's skin color or some other issue. I remember when I was in elementary school, there was a girl in my clas with blue eyes, and I wished there was a way to turn my hazel ones to blue. I even asked my mom if there were "blue eye drops" that we could buy. Today, I love my hazel eyes.
She will grow out of it.
Just keep telling her how beautiful she is, and remind her that people come in lots of colors, just like rainbows. Since you're Christian, perhaps telling her that we are all stripes in God's rainbow would be a good way for her to understand it.

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Congratulations! We are also transracial adoptive parents. Our 2 chldren are both African American. When we adopted our son, now 7, a friend with biracial children and grandchildren gave me a wonderful book called "I'm Chocolate, You're Vanilla" by Marguerite A Wright. The subtitile is "Raising Healthy Black and Biracial Children in a Race CONscious World - A Guide for Parents and Teachers" The ISBN is 0-7879-5234-6.

I highly recommend this book. Actually, I can't recommend it enough. One of the things it does it explain race from the eyes of a child at different ages - preschool, elementary, adolescent, high school. It helped me know how to respond to comments such as the one your daughter has made. I could decide if the comment made was just an observation or something deeper that we needed to address. Each time we move to a new developmental level, I pull it out and read at least part of it again. It also has a section on transracisal adoption and how that also effects how the children see themselves.

One thing we have done is live as much as possible in a mixed race world. We chose to live in a lower income neighborhood because there are more mixed families on this particular street. I seek out families that look like ours in parks, church, and other places. My children have their hair done in businesses owned by African Americans - even though I can do most of it myself. We have become friends with other families that have adopted transracially so our children see other families look like us. I am also homeschooling (due to learning disabilities) and using a history curriculum from BlessedHeritage.com that approproproiately includes all minorities in history. It also starts with African Americans who did not come as slaves.

Your girls are blessed to have you. But as I am sure you would say, having them as your daughters is your greatest blessing! Congratulations again!

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Hi D.,
Do you expose your children to their other culture? Maybe you should try to send her to summer camp or something that will expose her to children of her other race. Do you all attend church? Maybe you can visit a church where she sees other darker people like herself. How about books. There are lots of books out there about being biracial. Maybe you buy her some. These are some suggestions.

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Hi D.!I was reading about your little girl.God bless her.Maybe you need to buy her a book about her skin tone.I can imagine its hard for her and being around mommy and dady whose white and she's brown.I think she needs to be around kids her color sometimes.Kids can be cruel and she's around mostly white kids.I know this little girl who has a white mom and black dad and she thought she was white.It took her dad taking her around her black family to understand she's not white like mommy.If I was you -I would look for books to read to her and encourage her to love her brown skin.I hope I've said something helpful.

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I don't know that their is much you can tell your daughter other than to keep those positive images of African American women, dolls etc in her midst. My daughter thought her dad was white eventhough he just has fair skin. So you must keep reinforcing who she is, and you may need to take more action at the school concering those "mean or cruel children" sometimes children go to far and we dismiss it as nothing. I had to deal with the same thing at my daughters school sometimes they need us to take their feelings seriously and help them. They don't always know how to deal with a situation, don't let the school or the teacher just dismiss it as children. It can be very hurtful for her. And make more of an effort to find other children like her to make bonds with.

Hope that helps.

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Since you are Christians, I would first ask her if she thinks rainbows are pretty. If she says yes (and what girl wouldn't?), then tell her that God made people like He made the rainbows...everyone is a different color, and all are very beautiful in their own way. Show her a picture of a rainbow and point out each color, and remind her that each color works perfectly with the other colors. Well, that is how we as people should be, too.

Even white people are all different shades of white. I am much paler than any of my sisters, and we are all white, but some of them have somewhat darker skin tones than do I. Black isn't the only color that has shades, and whichever shade she is, she is the shade God made her, so God must have thought she was something special to give her her very own color.

My own two children are bi-racial, and they are beautiful. They look like they have a tan all year round. I would love to be able to look like that. I am a natural redhead, and extremely pale skinned, so I only burn, never tan. I tell my kids I am jealous of them!

I always make sure that, if I buy my daughter a white doll, then the next doll I buy is black. Both kids know that they are bi-racial, and they do attend a mostly black school. There are some other mixed race kids there and a few white children. I feel sometimes that I wish they could be around my own family more, since they hardly ever get to see them, but my family lives 2000 miles away, so my kids are not that exposed to white people, but I do make sure that they know that they are the best of both races, and to understand that, although they look more white than black, that they ARE half black, and half white, and they need to know their heritage.

You also should make sure to buy some books and toys that are aimed towards black children, too. Don't just buy books with white kids on the cover, or dolls that are all white, or whatever. They need to have both things to help them understand where they are coming from.

I believe that mixing the races up will eventually, and it may take hundreds more years, but eventually bring about an end to all the racial b.s. that goes around. I wish we could all just think about the rainbow and remember that it really CAN be that simple that a child can learn it...so why can't adults?

Good luck!

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i don't know where you live, but if it is in the OKC area, i go to People's Church, (and love it!)and most of the children there are biracial. it is one of the most friendly and accepting places i have ever been, and it has a great children's ministry!

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I know what you're going through. I am african-american and my oldest daughter, almost 9yo, and my son, 6yo both want to be white. I don't know if you've tried this or not, but I would try to have your girls watch, read, and learn more about both races that make them who they are. I did this with my children, my daughter appreciated it more because she's older I'm sure, but she has shown more interest in her own skin. I tried explaining to my son that God loves his skin color just the way it is, that's why He gave it to him. I think the issue is that the children don't see much people who look like them. They also probably feel less connected to you since they are not the same complexion as you. Why my children are going through the same may be because they don't see a lot of people that look like us. We go to a predominantly white church, they go to a predominantly white school, and there aren't many childen in our neighborhood for them to play with. I don't know if I've been much help at all, but I will be praying that your children learn to appreciate their beautiful skin. Take care.
~C.~

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Sounds to me like you are doing a great job!
Keep it up! Love, G.

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I too am an older mom...raising hubby's two granddaughters! They have different dads so look somewhat different. One is darker than the other and when the younger one asked why I told her God makes everyone a little different. She knows she has a "biological" father but never has seem her "bio" mom. Then I pointed how different my sister & I look....she's short & green eyes & dark complected & I'm tall, fair w/blue eyes & yes we're biological sisters. As she grows her skin color may change some...I've witnessed that with our next door neighbor! Good luck!

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It may help to accentuate that God created us all colors, men and women and that there are hundreds of different languages.
There is that little song He has the whole world in his hands
red and yellow, black and white.
Maybe buy both of them a white baby doll and a little indian baby doll. Even a little Aisian doll.

In this world children of all colors feel like they aren't good enough. Most of it is because of the parents. You are doing a good job with her and she will one day be proud of who she is.
Maybe begin to tone down on "color" and encourage more on gifts and abilities.
You want them to feel "as good as" not better that another child of another color.
Keep up the good work.

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You have done a great thing D.. I wish that one day God will bless me so that I to can adopt kids. I think you should continue to let your child know that NO matter what her skin color is she very beautiful. My own personal advice is you should have the in some kind of sourrounding where they see all races. Not just mainly whites. When my daughter was 7 or 8 we move to Phoenix,AZ. Very close to Scottsdale, for about the first 6 months my child was around mostly whites and some mexicans. She came home from school crying because her skin was not as light or were her hair as long and straight. I let her know everyday SERIOUSLY God gave you this nice smooth golden skin color and you love and thank God that he blessed you with it. As she got older she knows that know. So really just let them see people of other color often. Continue to love them and let her know how pretty she is and I pray that as she get older this will never be an issue. God Bless you.
E~Love!!

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Hi D.,
Kudos for adopting biracial girls. I think you are doing great. Many children go through this if they are black or biracial. Chances are she's been exposed to something that made her feel negative about her color. It could be anything, most likely something subtle & from outside your family. Keep telling them they are beautiful & it's ok that we are not all the same color. It may be advantageous to join a group with a little more color. Maybe just once a month to start out. It's important that girls learn to love themselves no matter the color, hair type, body type... Too many of us (females) have this struggle.

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Sounds like you have two very special little girls. God bless you for making a home for them. It is unfortunate that she is experiencing such 'color' issues at such an early age. I remember going though the same thing growing up. As time grew I came to realize that I was fine and nothing was wrong with the 'color' of my skin or my race or how short I was or all the other terrible things other kids tried to convince me that was 'wrong' with me. Just keep telling her how terrific she is and making those "Role Models" available to her. It might take awhile, but my guess is that when she does discover who she is, she will be very comfortable in the skin she lives in and become 'whatever she wants to be'! Best of luck and God Bless.

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Hi D., when my daughter was in preschool, which is mostly white, she would come home saying that she wants to be white also, and she is not interacial. I just explained to her that her beautiful brown skin is perfect and that is the way God made her. Maybe you can find a support group that has interracial kids and she can find some common ground. Or if you have any black friends with children you can have playdates with them so that she is around different colors so to speak. Interracial children are the most beautiful kids. They take the best of both races.

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I have a "new" (7 month) granddaughter who is mixed. My daughter is white. I think my granddaughter can be either color she wants to be. As I told my grandson who is 7 years, when his new sister was born, he asked if she was black or white. I told him she was a little of both and the most important thing is she is his sister. That was enough for him.

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Hi Diane,
My name is A. Rubio,and I am a grandmother. My son Anthony lives in PT. Townsend, WAshington and has four ethopian children, one black girl, two korean children, two mexican-black children,one white-black and four white children. They to have went through the same problem and you are doing good!! they told them all the same thing . How beatiful they are and that GOD loved them so much that he made them the way HE thought made them beatiful. Just keep praying and encouraging them as you are and you and yours are in my prayers. my husband is mexican and Anthony is to I am his step-mom and i am so proud of him and his family. Keep the good work up. There is a chapter in Psalms, I don't know if it will help you but it is the 139th chapter. I hope this has encouraged you and hope to hear from you. Your Friend A. P>S. May I add that my daughter-in-law read many books for her and found books to read to them. She has taught them each there native backrounds, where each came from and traditions that they do in there own home to give them a sense of belonging and teaches them how special GOD made them. Good Luck

I have a biracial son as well. He will turn 9 in July He is aware of his race It has never been a secret but his father and I aren't together and he never sees him. My son never says anything negative about himself....which I am so thankful for. I have been engaged for 3 yrs and we have a 18 mo old daughter (She is white) My son just recently started mentioning color I know that was influenced from one of my fiance's nephews Kids can be cruel and have said things about his color to him. Nothing negative...just pointed it out. I have never made his race an issue. Has something been said in front of your daughter for her to say something like that?

D.,
It is very difficult dealing with this issue, I think it is great that you constantly tell your daughter she is beautiful but, it sounds like the problem is not looks but fitting in. no matter how beautiful you are you want to be able to look around and see people who look like you. If possible I would find a play group or a dance class, something that has a more diverse look to it and get her involved. She just wants to be able to see other people who look like her.

First, you are going to have to accept the fact that she is black. There is no such thing as "biracial" when it comes to looks. That is something that Halle's mom told her. When people look at her they are going to see a "black" girl, not a "biracial" girl. Once you come to terms with that, she will as well. Second, bring her around other African-Americans. Third, introduce her to black history and black culture.
Also, maybe you should consider sending her to a more diverse school.

I am spanish and my husband is white. We both produced mini me's. My daughter looks just like him, my son looks just like me. I am very olive skinned with dark hair, she's fair skinned with blonde hair. There have been phases that she has been very unhappy that she doesn't look like me. Kids can be very mean, when we lived in CA there were kids who asked her all the time if she was adopted. She's not so this upset her very much.
I still encounter problems sometimes.

This is what I say to my daughter. God is an artist-and he made our skin from the dust so there is a skin color for every color of dust. I tell her how boring and unimaginative God would have to be to make us all look exactly the same. I tell her God made her exactly the way she is supposed to be and God doesn't make mistakes.

Keep telling her what the truth is and eventually she will prob get over it. But wishing she was white may not be just because she was adopted. I've met darker skinned people who were not proud of it. Help her be proud of the history of her skin, talk to her about great men and women who look like her.
I hope it goes well.

I have a biracial child and when we lived in Maryland she was not even aware that she was a different skin color than others. We recently moved to New Orleans and there is a lot of racial tension here. She has begun to hate school because the children tease her so much. I sent her to this school because it a good school and is so diverse but no one will accept her as “theirs.” The whites say she isn’t white, the blacks say she isn’t black and the hispanics say she isn’t hispanic. And she isn’t she is HUMAN. I empathize with how difficult this is to watch. I spend a lot of time teaching my daughter that race is something imaginary that people have come up with so they don’t have to treat others as their brother/sister. I also teach her that when you focus on someone’s skin color as the most notable thing about them you dehumanize yourself and everyone else. (My daughter is now 8 and seems to understand these concepts) I point out how silly it would be for someone to say “oh that person has brown eyes so they can’t (fill in the blank)” And I teach her that God made us all and loves us all the same. What He thinks is so much more important than what any human being thinks and God loves my child and yours. I remind her that everyone sometimes falls short and that when these people make fun of her they are falling short, not her but that God expects us to love the person even if we dislike their behavior. I encourage her to feel compassion for them because they are so blind that all they can see is the color of her skin and not the beautiful person she is. That is truly a sad thing. I would just continue to focus on how much God loves her and how the bible says she is wonderfully made. It says God looks at hearts so he looks inside us not at the color of our skin. I don’t want to focus so much on skin color in our household so I personally wouldn’t make comments focusing on skin color. I think you can address the racial hyper-consciousness of the world without being hyper-conscious of race yourself. I also think it is important to be around people from lots of different backgrounds because it makes one more well rounded as far as differences in the ways things are done, people think as well as the ways they look and when you surround your children with different types of people you will generally find they are more tolerant of differences and often actually embrace them. I am sorry you are having to go through this and I hope my experience helps.

D. it is not unusual for a child to want to look like the people that they are around and to fit in. I have friends who have children from a different marriage and with a spouse from a different race and want to be the race that they are around the most.

I am African American, my sons best friend in school was white and his mother had married an African American man and they had a child. Because most of the mothers friends now were African American her son felt more comfortable around African Americans.

I suggest that you involve healthy people of all races and nationalities in your childs life and keep the subject open. People need to feel valued for how they look and who they are.
D.

I have read what others had to say and all was great. However, I really do not have any advice, but want to tell you it is wonderful that you have adopted 2 children that will get the love and affection that they need with a good healthy family enviroment. So many children need this in our society. I think you are doing a wonderful job with letting her know how beautiful she is. We too have bi-racial children in our family on my husband's side. The whole family accepts them and though it may be difficult right now, you are right God will see you through. As she grows older she will appreciate herself for who she is, right now I'm sure the pressure from other children are making it difficult for her. My hat goes off to you. Keep up the good work and let that baby know how much you and God love her everyday as you are doing and it will keep reinforcing that she is beautiful.
May God Richly Bless You and Yours Everyday.
C.

you just keep telling that baby she is beautiful no matter what color she is... god doesn't make mistakes, he only makes beautiful... you tell her God made her special and her beauty surpasses all others... I cringe when i hear kids make fun of other kids because of their skin color... I will raise my daughter to be appreciative of all of God's beautiful creations...

Good Luck

H.
Mama to Jaidyn 6.5 mths