Acting Up

What I've understood from a girlfriend with twins - she thought that everything had to be equal all the time, until she realized that they are 2 different people with different needs and demands, likes and dislikes, prefrences and concerns. Maybe don't treat them equally - don't compare them, just treat them like the 2 different children they are . . . .

B.,
It sounds like you are doing a great job and already know intuitively that some of the acting out is about need for attention, and you are addressing this! My nephew, who is 7 months older than my 15 month old son has actually hit my son and it seems clearly out of jealousy for the attention the baby pulls.
One thing I recently learned from a compassionate communication workshop is to show empathy to the child who has offensive behavior, because every act of aggression is usually an expression of some unmet need. So, separating the twins at the moment of any acting out, and showing compassion to both, including the offender, is supposedly very helpful. If you try to see the event through the baby's eyes, you show them that you care and are listening, and also have an opportunity to model compassion for the smaller twin, or the victim. Both twins will know they are loved. I hope that is helpful!

I think you're doing the right thing spending some level-appropritate' time with both of them separately. I like what someone earlier said about letting Reed become something of a little helper in Ryan's care, this would give him a feeling of importance. Even though they are twins they're family dynamics are going to be way different and you have to work with it the way it is. They're too little to really understand things like why one needs extra medical atttention, so they may both feel frustrated from time to time. I think Reed may be acting out his frustration and confusion.

I don't think your topic is any different than if you had two children years apart. There are always differences between children (as much as we wish they were more alike) and they will always have some jealousy/or feelings of favoritism - even when there isn't any. The only way to combat it in my experience, is to include them more together. Get the 18mo old and explain what things are going on to him about his brother [in his terms] so he is included and feels important enough to be talked to about it all. Have the brother with the medical issues there too so he is in on it all - they need to feel as though they are just as important in the grand scheme of the family. That brother needs his thoughts and prayers - that this is an important time for all of you. One on one time is not usually the answer. I have found that that only makes the other child/children feel like they are less important. Your son who is having the medical issues feels left out just as the healthy son does, he just may not be able to express that now. Games at home and watching movies or event hose baby einstein/learning videos, could be quality time with the both of them. Good luck & God Bless You!

I think you're doing the right thing by giving Reed some alone time with each parent.

There's an amazing book called "Playful Parenting" - the bottom line is that kids act up when their "cups are not full". Giving them focused alone time, along with getting down on the floor with them and playing the games that THEY want to play, and following their lead as they change the game, "fills their cups". This will go a long way toward helping Reed get through a period where he won't have as much attention overall as he normally does.

For reference, here's the link to this book on Amazon. https://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_ss_gw/105-###-###-####-##...

Hang in there over the next few months! Hopefully both you and your husband can get some time for yourselves, refilling your own cups too, to better handle all the stress you'll be going through.

My twin boys are 18 months old and I can see that they are starting to experience frustration in a different way than when they were little. It sounds like you are really clued in to their individual needs and feelings, but like any mom/family with multiples, it is hard to meet everyone's needs all the time. Pat yourself on the back and know that you are doing the best you can - which is a great job! It may been that Reed is frustrated that Ryan can't do the things he can - and that probably makes him sad. And he may be mad that other kids can do those things that he wants Ryan to do with him. One of my boys - I would call him my higher needs boys emotionally - gets really frustrated very quickly and his emotions take over him and he can't handle it. I just sit him in my lap, talk to him about what he is feeling and validate his feelings. And I am still nursing so that helps him calm down too. Maybe you can come up with something that he can do to help him when he is feeling upset? A silly dance or tickling a favorite stuffed animal ... some sort of outlet for his feelings.

Good luck and keep up the great work!

P. - mom to 18 month fraternal twin boys

It sounds to me like you've already identified the cause and reasonable strategies to use with your son(s). Giving the boys equal and individual attention is important, but so is the cooperative time you all spend just "being together".

The son who is "acting out" may be coping with his own emotions, not yet knowing how to "verbalize" or even "label" what it means to be sad, afraid, frustrated or confused.

He may be yearning for his twin to play and do the same things he does. It is amazing what empathy brothers can have for each other, even at such a young age. My two sons are actually 18 months apart, but the older one would always cry when his younger brother was hurt, hungry, irritated etc. To this day, he still comes to his brother's rescue and "looks after him". As they get older, gentle reminders to let the younger one think, do and answer for himself will come more into play.

Also, one of the biggest hurdles I ever had to get over, and still work on today, is that boys are naturally more physical and aggressive in their play, thought processing, and general movement. I often say that if I could move the way my 6 & 7 year old boys do, I'd be so thin because they are always on the go. I'd suggest observing how the older plays "with" and "without" his brother and listen to the things he says. I believe you are on the right track with everything and I applaud anyone who has multiples!

how early were your twins?? have you talked to your pediatrician about it??

Hello
I am no expert. I am, however a college professor and program coordinator regarding American Sign Language(ASL)and Deaf studies. Frustration is a big part of life and of growing up. Sometimes communication is frustrating. Maybe you could try teaching ASL to the boys. My children and grandchildren are all hearing and all know ASL. It was interesting to watch my grandsons sign. When they began to talk, they no longer used signs (except with our deaf friends), but they were speaking in full sentences.
We have a lot of deaf friends. In addition to learning a visual form of communication, individuals will learn how to communicate with people of another culture: Deaf culture.
It is fun to learn another language and fun to teach kids ANYthing, as they LOVE to learn.
Have fun and enjoy your boys,
M.

B.
I just wanted to say that I am a mommy of 3 girls, and I know how hard it can be just spending equal time with them, and they don't have medical problems, Knock on wood! So I can't even imagine what you must be going though, I am so sorry, it must just break your heart every second of everyday. Just know, even though you don't know me, I will have strong and positive thoughts for you, and I wish you the best, I hope your son is alright very soon, it's so sad, reading your post made me very sad for you, like I said, I can't even imagine having to go through what your going through. I dont want to sound nosey, but what is wrong with him? Again, I am so sorry!

Read "Siblings Without Rivalry" by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish - it deals directly with this issue. Good luck!

It's totally normal for kids that age to act agressive when they get frustrated, and boys in particular. Add to that the fact that he was premature, you have to assume that he's going to be behind when it comes to verbal expression and controling his emotions. You seem to have a good handle on it, though- spending one on one time with him is one of the best things you can do to help him. Also, be extra patient with him, but don't give in to his whining and agression- it will only reinforce the behavior. Instead try to help him use other ways- if he's not very verbal, give him hand gestures to use, or help him by saying what he wants for him- give him the words. When my toddler was first starting to talk I taught her to say please when she wanted something instead of whining, so even if she didn't know the right word she still had something to do. Of course, the biggest struggle is when you don't know what he wants and he gets frustrated- the key is patience! We've all been there to some degree. And when he acts agressive towards his brother be very firm with him- tell him "I can't let you hurt your brother" and move him away. He will learn!

I have a son with high functioning autism. His younger sister dislikes him and the amount of extra time he gets. She wants a "normal" brother. We don't tolerate any unkindness but allow her to feel however she wants. This must be even harder for a 19 month old. Just continue giving him special time and when he gets older, if Ryan is still delayed, you maybe able to find a sibling support group. Good luck with the surgeries!

D.

B.,

If you aren't already getting services from Early Intervention, you should get an appointment for an evaluation. It also wouldn't hurt to make an appointment with a developmental pediatrician. You didn't mention if it is the more developmentally normal one or the more delayed one that is being aggressive. But autism and other developmental disorders are much more common in preemies (I have a 4.5 year old with autism who is not aggressive but I've seen plenty of kids with autism who are). It never hurts to get an outside opinion from a developmental specialist. They could likely give you some really good suggestions on how to handle the situation.

:-)T.

I do have 11 years old twins. Boy and a girl. One thing that it was important is to have weekly dates with mom and Dad. Even if your husband take them to the park etc. Make a point of giving it a name...DATE...so they know there is a special time just for them and that is not taking away. Specially with Reeds, don't miss your date with him. Put it in a calendar that he can see in the house so he is looking forward. Make a list together of things you can do together and organize your calendar with him matching dates and activities.
Every night before going to bed there are 3 things we talk after reading and praying.
1) What was something fun that happen today, something that made you feel special and proud of it.
2) What was something that was hard to deal with it or made you feel not good, (then talk about improvement, goals, ideas on how to handle situation and reassure him that is OK to have bad feeling, upset, etc...we just need to keep talking about it and get better.
3) Talk about what is coming for tomorrow that is excited, new, fun. In this way the children go to bed looking forward for the next day

This 3 things will help your child to deal with selfconfidence, happiness, getting to know themselves, and improving the comunication with you as you get to know more ways to help him deal with what ever is going on his mind.

Take care,

D.

Have you tried letting Reed help you with Ryan? Give him little stuff to do to help.Maybe if he is doing little stuff to help he wont feel left out.It can not hurt to try.