Acting Out - Englewood,CO

Bless you L. for raising this child! You are teaching her that she is loved and wanted, what a miracle you are. I also have a "spirited" 3 year old and I think sometimes she just wants a battle. We do the naughty corner, 1 minute for each year, so 3 minutes, but when we are done with that, I sit down at her level and look her in the eye and tell her I love her and I know she is a good girl and that she can behave better than that. I give her hugs and kisses and have her apologize to her sister or rectify the situation that caused the naughty corner. The positive note in the punishment has really helped her. She is a yeller, so I have to really watch that I don't yell back, its hard, I just want to be heard over her! With her (unlike my older child) I have to be the calm, serene, loving (but firm) parent. And honestly...I think 3 is so much worse than 2, all kids are trying to test boundaries and asert their independance at this age, you just have to firmly and calmy show her you are boss without turning it into a battle. Good luck!

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The food we eat makes a big difference in our moods. About 7 years ago our family started eating whole grains and organic food and taking omega 3 oils like fish and flax. It has completely changed the moods of each person in the house. I had one child who was angry all the time like this. Now that he is off color dyes and gets enough omega 3 oils, he is a different person.

Good luck!
K. Loidolt
Author, Shopper's Guide to Healthy Living

1 mom found this helpful

I would recommend the book, Parenting with love and logic. It could give you some other alternatives besides spanking to disipline her. Try it, I have used it for my 15 month old (belive it or not) and she is doing great with the techniques. I applaud you for taking care of your grandchild. Good Luck! Hope I have helped a little!
J. S

1 mom found this helpful

I don't have specific advice but I have also heard good things about Parenting with Love and Logic. It sounds like your grand daughter is dealing with a lot emotionally and so that is probably making things worse, not to mention that she is at the age where those behaviors are somewhat "normal". Do you think that she may benefit from counseling?
Good luck and (((((HUGS)))))!

I have found Love & Logic to be a great resource in the classroom (I am an elementary teacher) and they also have books and resources for parents. I have a two year old and just recently started listening to a Love & Logic book on CD for parenting birth to 6 years. Check your local library or bookstore.

Hi L.,
In all honesty the 3yr old is acting her age so beware for when the younger one gets to be 3 as well. However, age appropriate behavior is no excuse for being bad so she must be disciplined. I understand that you don't want or can't use spankings but sometimes the need for them does come up. I use spankings only when the child is endangering or harming themselves or someone else but for all other things you need more options. For the back talking and "NO"s I firmly and almost fiercly tell my kids, "you don't tell me no" and then give instuctions as to what they are supposed to be doing. The back talk is also very disrespectful and I firmly believe that children need to respect their elders and kids today just don't seem to do that so much anymore. I think your granddaughter might be too young for a "respect" lecture, what I've done when my kids at that age would talk back is ignore it as long as they are doing what you told them to do. My oldest would talk back when given instructions but would still do what she was told so I saw no point in dealing with the talking back issue until she was old enough to understand. But if you say "go to bed" and she say's "NO! You go to bed!" then I would firmly say, "do not speak to me that way. You do not tell me no. Now go to bed." and keep that up firmly but consistantly and she'll eventually get the point that she needs to listen and obey. I hope I've helped in that area.

For the general bad behavior and tormenting her cousin I would use time outs, noses in the corner, and make the punishment fit the crime. If she draws on the wall, make her wash the wall and don't make it fun. If she hurts her cousin that falls into the "harming someone else" and really deserves a spanking or maybe a slap on the hand, then she also needs to be told that she really hurt her cousin and that's not ok then she needs to say she's sorry and give her a hug, even if you have to force her arms around her cousin make her give the hug, enough consistancy and she'll give the hugs on her own after a while. If you really can't give a spanking then put her nose in the corner for 3mins, set a timer if you have too. then tell her what she did wrong, why it was wrong and make her make up for it.

You said you didn't want to confuse her and you try to give love and hugs. keep that up all day not just when she comes home. Praise her for jobs well done, good behavior, and for small things that might seem big to her. Praise her for obeying even if she talked back the whole time, praise her for coloring on the paper nicely, for playing nicely with her cousin, try to find as many reasons to praise her as you can, that will work wonders. Let her also feel like you need her too. Let her help you do the dishes, she can just stand on a stool at the sink and "wash" some cups or lids or let her help unload the dishwasher by handing you the plate and cups. teach her how to fold washcloths, let her put grocery items into the cart, if she acts out while shopping that's one of the best ways to keep her attention and under control, by having her help you shop. Teach her the colors by having her help you sort laundry, or sorting and stacking legos or blocks. You can show her how to play nicely with her cousin and that will help her alot too. Make her feel like she's a part of your family,not just a child you have to care for. Well I realy hope I've helped you. Good luck with this.

C.

I think the first thing to realize is that this is normal behavior for a 3 year old. Testing and pushing limits is their job. The sassing and tormenting of her cousin are all ways she is testing you to see what your limits actually are. I agree you need to give boundaries, but this is a great time to teach consequences. For example, my 3 yr old son knows if he gets out of bed after lights out, he loses the stuffed animal he sleeps with. He also knows it will happen every time, not just when I have the energy, so he stays in bed (most of the time). Also, be sure your rules are reasonable for a 3 yr old to follow and try to be sensitive that some of the behavior is likely coming from her visitations and stuff. Finally, be sure to really focus on the positive whenever you can. She is probably insecure due to her life circumstances and positive reinforcement really works. Behavior charts with stickers and prizes have been very successful in my house. We usually fill in the charts at bed time so they can see how well they did that day. I offer small prizes for however many stickers they earn. Like when they reach 30 they get a small toy or crayons or something. Anyway, I hope some of this helps. Good luck and God Bless for caring for your grandchild. She is lucky to have you!

Children don't automatically know how to behave. She is testing the waters to see what is acceptable. Time outs for unacceptable behavior are good. But she also needs a model of what is acceptable. Read books to her. Give her examples --- tell her, this behavior is unacceptable and that behavior is acceptable. Take away toys and privileges. Reward her for acceptable behavior. Say, "I like it when you do this. It makes me sad when you do that." Nip it in the bud before she becomes a preteen or teen. Spanking only teaches her to hit.

Try putting her favorite toy in timeout. Tell her that her toy just can't handle her attitude anymore and needs some time away from her. When she can act better and use kinder words her toy will want to play with her again. It worked for my one child, but not the other. My other one would get so worked up that we actually had to put her in a cold shower to snap her out of it. It only took twice in the shower before she learned to control the hysteria.

Good luck.

Hi L.,
I have two aunts that are raising their grandchildren. The kids have benefited from couseling/therepy. The youngest child just turned 2 and has been going to therephy for at least a year. It has helped them big time. The kids are a joy to be around even with all their issues, and trust me they have issues.

Hello,
Have you explored Love and Logic? It is a parenting technique that I find extremely effective over a wide range of ages and situations. In fact, I think they might have a book or CD just for Grandparents raising young children. Love and Logic is based in Golden, CO and has instructors and courses all over the place and quite frequently. Here is their info:

The Love and Logic Institute, Inc.
http://www.loveandlogic.com
• 2207 Jackson St. Golden, Colorado 80401 •
• (800) 338-4065 • ###-###-#### •

I applaud you for trying to deal with this now, because your response to this child's behavior now will set the tone for her future behavior and expectations of you. And as I am sure you recognize, it will be increasingly more difficult to manage her behavior problems as she grows older. More importantly, though, is that her behavior is her only way of telling the adults in her life that she needs help, boundaries, limitations, whatever. How sad it would be if no one looks past her behavior to hear her real message!Good luck!

Hi L.,

Check out a book called Love and Logic Magic for Early Childhood by Jim and Charles Fay.

It has excellent ideas for dealing with small children WITHOUT yelling or spanking! yea! I hope this helps.

Hi L.,

How lucky your granddaughter is that you are there for her. My parents raised one of my nephews and I know it is difficult to try and be a parent instead of a grandparent to a child.

Consistency is the best policy. Even though things may be very confusing for your granddaughter you will have to have follow through with behavior. If she talks back and talking to her and asking what is wrong doesn't work then give her a time out. Some people say a time out goes with their age ie. age 3 a 3 min. time out. I have friends that say this works. I always gave time outs and said 'when you feel you can be nice please come join in again', sometimes only a matter of seconds and other times a half hour would go by but it gave them a choice. I didn't send my kids to their rooms as they have too many toys to play with there, generally I had them sit somewhere I could still see them but far enough away they had their own space. The main thing is the follow through, if they come back and continue the bad behavior then back to time out. For some kids it may take as much as 3 weeks of continuing their bad behavior and having time outs but once they really know you are going to follow through with not allowing it they will start to change their behavior. You may have some hysterical fits for a while but with your loving follow through it will change.

I know my parents had a standard of never speaking badly about my nephews mom. She basically abandoned him when he was 4 and would occasionally call or send a letter. These were the more difficult times for my nephew as he didn't understand why she didn't come to see him. My parents would explain that she wasn't in a good place in her life and she new leaving him with them was the best thing for him and had to be the hardest thing she ever did. There were a lot of other problems going on with her but they never told him that, just that she loved him and that her life was not place for kids right now. They raised him as their own, he is 27 now and is awesome. Loves his grandma as a mom.

Try and give your granddaughter choices, not big ones, but ones that give her a sense of control in her life with all the changes that are happening. Have her help cook, crack eggs, stir, measure, she can pick out her clothes for the day, help pick out the veggies and fruit when shopping, things that include her, let her make little decisions that make her feel apart of your home.

Are there any childrens activities that will allow her time with other kids her own age, a park, a preschool that would let her come a couple days a week....

It sounds like you already do this but let her know any time any where you are there to listen to her. Lots of hugs and love and lots of activity. If you live near the city. natural history museums and zoos are great activities for kids even 3, they get out and excercise and start associating being with you with having new fun things happen. If you live more rural then set up games in the yard or if you can have a pet, a cat that she picks out and is hers, she helps take care of, gives a name...gives her something to call her own. Also art projects are great ways for youngster to vent some frustrations, if you have a yard and can set up in the grass so you don't have to worry about a mess then let her go at it. May be able to vent some frustrations with art.

It sounds like she may still be visiting parents, in some ways it makes things more confusing for her. Since she is too young to write you may get an inexpensive tape recorder that she can record how she feels, she may want you to hear what she says or maybe keep it to herself but it could give her an outlet similar to a journal for her to express herself.

Also have her apologize when she says mean things. She may have learned some pretty bad habits while elsewhere and you are going to have to retrain some behaviors. Again a loving but committed follow through is the only thing that will allow her to eventually start behaving in a better way.

Good luck, stay positive, and give lots of encouragement and love!

SarahMM

Good Morning L.,

Well like everyone else here I have to applaud you for taking care of your grandchild. My parents helped out more than they should have had to - but my situation was entirely different (I was working two full time jobs to support myself and my daughter).

I hate to disagree with everyone, but I do not think anyone should look at this and say it is normal 3 year old behavior. My parents would be horrified if I let either of my children act like because I deem it normal.

I do not have much advise as to how to work with her it takes trial and error. However I do agree with a lot of what Sarah said. She sounds like a sweet kid who is acting out - not for attention, but because she needs help.

I know these are difficult times for her becuase my daughter went - and still is going through a rough patch because her biological father just decided to show up after about 3 years. I have a rough time getting her to readjust to my rules after she talks to him on Sundays (she doesnt even visit him). My biggest thing is to sit and talk to her about her conversation with her dad. We have quickly learned that durning her conversations with him - he tends to put things in her head that while he may not mean to really hurt her. She acts out, and unfortunately talks to me (and everyone else) with the same terrible attitude her dad uses.

You have to learn how to talk and listen to her, she may be experiencing a lot of unnessecary hurt and dislike for the situation even at the age of 3. She has to find a way to let her feelings out - and while you may not want to - you might want to consider that visitations are not in her best interest at the moment - it may just be TOO confusing for her at this point.

K.

I always found that three year olds are harder than almost any age. They need boundaries and consquences that are consistent. I always thought of it as a practice run for the teenage years. She is able to comunicate and express herself so talk to her like an intellgent person she is. Make sure she knows tormanting her cousin is not exceptable and make sure she know that if she miss behaves privaleges are taken away. Make it clear and follow through! She does need to adjust after a visit but be firm when she gets back. So the rules are consistent.
C. B

discuss with her how you feel about her behavior problems and find out and listen to why she does what she does.

I encourage my 3 yr old to name his feelings. When he's causing a stink, there's usually a definite feeling behind it. "oh my - are you feeling frustrated? ...did that make you feel sad?...are you feeling angry?"

After that, I ask him if he needs a hug. Either "awwww, do you need a hug?" or "oh no! It sounds like you need a hug. Can I give you a hug and a kiss?"

I also point out his little sister's feelings - "oh! that made her sad - she needs a hug" and "awww, you made her smile/giggle - she's happy."

He's still learning his emotions and how to deal with his feelings, and the rebellion usually melts away with hugs.

L.,
First I have to say good for you for raising your grandchildren when they needed you. My mom raised my oldest son when my then youngest developed so many problems. That takes a special grandma.

I went through a lot of the same things with my middle child. What I found worked was taking things away from him. He had to earn them back by being a good boy. Also I made a chart and put simple little chores on it like brush his teeth make his bed as well as a 3 year old could make a bed. When he did one of the things on his list we would put a star on it. Then when he had 20 stars we did something special like a McDonalds happy meal or a special treat. I hope this helps.

S.

Children dealing with birth parent visits have issues they deal with that are different from many other children. I'd recommend play therapy with a therapist that works with children in the foster care system, since the problems and acting out behaviors are often similar. You can also meet with the therapist and ask for tools to deal with the acting out. Perhaps a support group for grandparents raising their grandchildren? I would think that peer advice would be very helpful. I've heard of such groups, but not sure the names.

Good luck!

You are wonderful to be raising your granddaughter! Kids at 3 I think are way worse then any terrible twos by far! I think being super consistent, time outs for sassing, do not allow her to say no to you and being firm will give her boundaries that they desperately need at this age. I know there is an adjustment period too when kids come back from visiting another parent. Make sure her mom or dad whomever she is with is consistent on rules too and you are on the same page or it will get worse before getting better.
Explain how to play nice, put up rules and if she doesn't abide by them find out what works with her, early bedtime, taking away a favorite toy for 24 hours, whatever it is she will have something that will get through to her.
Putting up a behavior chart works well for kids that age to see if they have earned a smiley that day or a frowny, after so many smileys a ice cream or small treat for her.
Believe me, regardless of the situations I think once independence kicks in and moreso with girls it is a drama fest and there is sassing to be dealt with. Good for you doing what you are, just make sure everyone in her life is on the same page so she has clear rules and understands them.
Good luck!