Ack! I Saw What My 12 Year Old Has Been Watching on Youtube!

i just found my 11 year old was looking at nude pics on ebay!! i totally agree with you that he shouldn't be in trouble and quite honestly, you and your hubby are better role models for him and how he conducts his life than friends or ice t's wife!! :)

i let my son know that i saw them and i reminded him that girls are real women unlike what he's see on the internet. we talked awhile and it pretty much came down to curiosity.

i think your approach about him protraying himself as an adult on line is spot-on. if you are conveying to him the importance of abstinance and you are giving him the knowledge he needs if he chooses not to, you are doing the best you can. it's in his hands after that.

fyi, i was the last of my girlfriends to lose her virginity and i was the most knowledgable about how the body worked and what the parts where for. my mom was always open and honest with me. i think it's total denial that sets the kids up for early experimentation.

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Have Dad talk to him about his viewing activities just to be sure he's being safe. For all you know You Tube is the tip of the iceberg - just make sure he's staying out of chat rooms or whatever. As long as he's got the ground rules on internet playing you can only do your best. I'm sure your husband used the JC Penney catalog when he was younger!

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I had a similar situation and with my now 19 year old son. i would just talk to him and keep it matter of fact. Let him know that looking at such things ar normal but that you do not agree with him doing it. Also ask him if he has any questions and try to answer them as best you can.

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I think you're on the right track with focusing on the part about portraying himself as older. As far as the content... while you don't want him watching that, I feel like if you crack down too hard about it, that it might just be an incentive for him to be a lot more secretive about it. 20 years ago it would have been he and his friends stealing a playboy magazine :) I think that being moderately discouraging about the content while letting him know that you and Dad will be monitoring where he's been on the computer will help him get the picture that the important thing is for him to be following the safety guidelines regarding computer use, and that he shouldn't be looking at things if he doesn't want you to see them.

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Good for you, A. --- I actually can only suggest that you talk - the 3 of you- and offer him the opportunity to talk either w/ your husband the 2 of them - or even with another adult if he wants ( an adult that you and your husband respect) --GOOD FOR YOU for not wanting to punish him-- you get a star.

Your lambs are very fortunate.

J.

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Personally, from what you've said, I think you're doing a great job. Like you said boys will be boys. If it's not the internet then it's a magazine or the underwear section out of the daily paper ads.
Keep doing what you're doing. Keep the lines of communication open and honest.
You seem to have a great head for the nature of things and letting him know that it's normal is important.

Good luck!
K.

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Honesty, honesty, honesty. Let him know you are aware (without totally embarrassing him). Let him know that at 12, even though they think they are totally grown up and ready for that type of viewing that they really aren't, and it's something you and dad don't want him doing, and won't allow. I would especially be concerned with him lying about his age on the site. Also regularly check the site, to see if there are anymore current visits. I'm a grandma to 9 children now, 8 of them boys, and had 3 boys myself. What makes you think at 12 that he isn't going through puberty? Most boys have already began puberty at 10-11, and by 12 are pretty well through some of it. I actually caught my oldest son at 11 (I won't type it out, but it begins with a M) in his room. He was devastated when I walked in. My twin grandsons who just turned 13, have definitely gone through puberty. It might be a basis to start a conversation, such as "I know you're beginning to have different feelings, and curiosity, but..." and I would suggest dad be the one to have the conversation with him, since he could share how he felt at the same age. I know this isn't the best advice, but hope it helps in some way. You don't want him to feel like he's weird for having done that, but you need to make him know it's not ok to be viewing that kind of thing on the computer. It's sooo normal for boys that age.

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A. - I can't get enough of Ice-T's wife either....she has gargantuan boobs! That part made me laugh.
I am not really looking forward to my boys getting older, but here's what I would do.
Okay, first of all, it is NOT a breach of trust for you to be checking up on your son on the computer. You're his mom, that's our right.
Second, I agree that he should not be in trouble, but I think dad should probably talk to him. I know, we as women pretty much talk to our kids about everything, but it MIGHT be better with dad. Do you remember when you were a girl and you saw tampon or pad commercials and your DAD was in the room with you??? I would get SO embarassed! It may be hard for your son to talk to his mom about women, he may feel a bit more comfy talking with his dad.
(my husband just walked in so I asked him what he would do. he said that he would tell his son to find a woman with smaller breasts. :) kidding. He said he would ask WHY the boy is looking at that, and who he is talking to on the computer. he should get in trouble for LYING to you, and about his age, but not for being curious. He also brings up the point that your son may be looking at MUCH WORSE at his friends house, maybe where the rules are a little more relaxed.)
Also, you can look in a Sears/Penny's/Macy's advertisement and find women wearing a lot less than what that woman was wearing. When there's a will....
Good Luck!!! L.

What might be the important issue here is that he "snuck" and deceived you. I believe that this is the issue to be addressed. If he feels that he needs to deceive you now, at 12, he may feel that he needs to deceive you when he is in his teens. This will then get complicated as you as a mother will then have to deal with YOUR feelings of betrayal.

The sex issue is apparently the motivation to deceive. So why does he feel shame enough to hide this from you?

This is just the beginning, so you have lots of time to refocus before the things have a chance to get complicated.

Chris RN

A....
We went thru this with all our boys last summer. We are in agreament about the not punishing! My husband wanted to take care of it...I know that he made them feel like it was no big deal that they were looking because everyone gets curious but he told them now that they have seen it all, it's not something to be spending all the time on! My husband is a computer geek and all the kids know that we can always see what they have seen...I think this is something that is good for the kids to know! Kinda keeps them honest:) On the age thing ...just talk about the danger...I wouldn't be to worried about it, what kid doesnt want to be older? Aren't boys fun!!! BTW...I see the fascination with Ice T's wife...she has got some huge boobs!

K.
~Mom to a grip of boys~

Since you've noticed he's now interested in girls and you know he's been looking at naked pics online, it might be a good time to have the sex talk, particularly if the school he attends doesn't really cover that information until later. Also, I'd approach the online activity very carefully. Punishment doesn't seem appropriate because he's curious. Also, it was a breach of trust for you to access his account. If you want to address that, you might want to consider explaining that you won't look again, you were just curious to know what he was lying to view. Also, would you be up for giving him a subscription to Playboy? I think that is a safer place for young boys to go to than the Internet. Honesty is the best option, add some compassion to that and you'll do just fine. Good luck.

Hey there!
Wow what a tough situation! I have to whole heartedly agree with the response below mine. I only have a toddler and a preschooler and not exactly sure how I would face this situation. You definitely have to address how dangerous it is to portray himself as a 21 year old online. As for the almost nude woman, I think I would try and explain pornography and how degrading it is to women (and men). I'm not sure of your belief system, but you might explain to him that it's unacceptable. I know you said that you don't feel he should be in trouble for it, but he should probably know that if he does it again, there would be a consequence. Maybe you let him slide this time for reasoning of curiosity, but doing again is more than curiosity (especially if you've told him not to). The experience that I have had with pornography in the house was not good. We will be explaining to our children how bad it is and what harm can come from it as they grow up and meet their spouses and get married. I hope I've helped at least a little. Good luck!

Hi A.,
I have a 14 year old son and it sounds like you and I are on the same page in what we tell our sons about sex. I think you are pretty up front with him and must be able to speak with him honestly about these subjects so this is just another situation where you can do that. Let him know how you came across his page and that you noticed the age was wrong and you are concerned that he could find himself in a situation that isn't safe for someone his age. I have found that as long as I tell my son that I am not trying to control him but rather make sure that he avoids any hurtful problems that he is pretty responsive. It is really important to our sons that we are proud of them and as long as we don't "mommy" them too much they work to make that happen. Good luck and God Bless, K. B. Everett, Wa

While he may not be in trouble for his curiousity he is certainly in trouble for violating family rules.And violate your rules he did ansd hide it!

You have to make him understand why you have those protections and then YOU HAVE TO STICK TO YOUR RULES. He is entering a stage of fierce and often reckless independence. If you do not give him bounderies he will eventually do something life altering.

My advice:
- Two separate conversations
-First one about the rule breaking-- no discussion about the content-- with serious consequences for disrespecting you and your husband
- Second, later, about the content. Here be open receptive and a good listener.

There are two distinct issues at play here and you need to make certain he understands this.

Hi A. - It is one thing to be curious as all kids are but it can be another if it starts taking a priority over other things - like school work. If they start hiding more from you and the rest of the family, etc. When you sit down to talk as a family about what is acceptable in your family and what is not share with them limits of what they can and can not do. What you can also do is get software that will help monitor and keep some websites from being accessed. Check out http://www.parental-control-software-top5.com/ for reviews of these type of programs. I have two boys and it helps add a layer of protection from them reaching out and going to places we don't approve as well as we can monitor how much time they are on the computer and much more. Some of those websites that they may be temped to "checkout" have many viruses or worms that we don't want on our computer. You can even share with the kids that you have installed a program on the computer but it is not to forbid them from using the computer (but can be if needed) but you can use it as a tool for safety as well as opening the door for communication. I hope this helps. Take Care

Is she hot? At least this way you get an idea for his preferences. I support your idea of him not being in trouble for expressing his curiosity. Is this a potential male bonding moment with dad, or do you feel the need to take care of it yourself? I also agree with the idea that there is a big difference between 12 & 21. Maybe letting him know that, in addition to personal risk, there are laws against falsifying identity etc...

The human body is a beautiful thing and should be worshipped and honored. Perhaps finding a way to acknowledge that with him, (a trip to the art museum, beautiful women postcards or book?) will help open the discussion and let him know, that A) he doesn't need to hide things from you, and B) he can't hide things from you. There is nothing wrong with reminding him of the eyes in the back of your head. Good Luck. I hope to be as strong, open, and understanding as you with my son as he grows.

First, no judgement!! A great resource is http://birdsandbeesandkids.com/. She's a local mom who does workshops, one on one consultation, and most Mondays she does a live chat online. She had a ton of info on her website and is probably just the resource for you! Good luck!!