Absent Grandparents

It's been four years since your sister in law died. They are so depressed they don't answer the door (assuming you are certain they were home). Do you see huge red flags waving all over this situation?

This has long since gone far beyond your kids' questions.

Has your husband -- it's his job, he is the adult child here -- made any effort to see his parents in person and start getting them some help? You say that "that is a whole other situation" -- do you mean that he's making some kind of effort you're not describing here? I hope so. Because your kids' questions and hurt are very sad indeed, but not nearly as sad as his parents' mental states if they are holed up four years after their child's death. Tell the kids the truth: Their grandparents are suffering and need help. Calling and asking the in-laws "to make an effort" may be adding to the stress that keeps them away.

Please put the priority on being much more assertive with the in-laws about getting help. They may be dangerously depressed. One of them could be dealing with dementia or an illness and they may be hunkering down at home out of fear of anyone knowing. If I went to the home of someone I knew was there, and they did not answer the door for me, knowing I was their family and had just driven 40 miles to see them -- I hope I would have called the police and said I was concerned they might be trapped inside ill or injured. That could be the next thing that happens.

Please update the post and tell us if your husband is helping his parents get some mental health assistance. This sounds like a situation where maybe he needs to take time off, go up there for some substantial time, and arrange some services for them and possibly someone to check in on them daily. Maybe all that's being done already but it doesn't sound like it. Has your husband pursued a relationship with them since you moved there, beyond expecting them to pay attention to his kids? I hope so and you don't address that in the post. But if his focus has been on the idea that the kids will pull grandma and grandpa out of their funk, well, it isn't working, and he needs to move on to finding them some serious help.

If they say they won't take help or don't want to discuss things -- Sometimes the adult child has to get assertive with the parents for their own good, if they are ill in body or in mind.

I'm so sorry to hear this, it just breaks my heart. I think in regards to your children, you can just be completely honest and tell them that grandma and grandpa have not gotten over the fact that they lost their child. That it's a horrible, all-encompassing grief and they have not been able to move forward yet, even though they have tried. That sometimes people get 'stuck' in grief and can't get out of it for many years. That sometimes people in such situations mean well in making promises to get together, etc., but then find when the time comes that their mind and body just won't let them make that first step. This is the truth, right? Just tell them the truth. I wish the best for your family.

oh, that's so hard. i wish i had a good answer for you.
my husband's parents too are mired in depression following the suicide of my BIL 2 years ago. everyone has worked hard to keep them afloat. they now live near us, with my SIL who built a house here so we could help her with them. but one can only do so much. doctors, medication, frequent visits, lots of help with their daily routines, but they have pretty much quit. there's only so much other people can do. we can shine flashlights and throw rope ladders down and call encouragement down into the pit. but sometimes people choose not to climb out.
:( khairete
S.

Oh boy. This is hard to see and to live, I'm sure.
You have to realize a few things, I think (and this applies to MIL, FIL, BIL):
1. All you can do is all you can do.
2. You cannot change their behavior, only your reaction to it.
3. Losing a child is an unimaginable grief that we cannot comprehend, if we have not experienced it.

That said, invite them (but don't expect them), call, send cards, send pictures, etc. Keep in touch with them.

I have inlays that my child (now 9) sees as who they really are.
Be polite, be kind, be respectful.

Hi! Sadly, your kids will decide for themselves that their grandparents don't care no matter what you try to tell them. I was going to suggest you "force" yourself on them (40 miles is so close you could do it every day) but they don't answer the door??? That is serious. So, tell them the truth gramma and granpa are sad and we need to help them feel better. It sounds like your kids know that. Have them shower their grandparents with cards, drawings, notes, phone calls, and invitations. Don't let a day pass without some kind of something. And don't you do it, get the kids to do it. Who can resist a five year old? Have the older ones ask to be taught things the in-laws like (knitting, woodworking, camping, they had to have had some interests at one time). The only other thing I can think of is to call their doctor. Tell him what is going on and see if perhaps he can help in some way because they really do need help. I really believe you need to be honest with the kids though. There is no good spin you can put on it and you don't want them to think their grandparents don't want them. Oh, I don't know if any of this will help you but kids get so hurt when they are rejected by family. I know, can you tell? Good luck!!!

All you can do is what you can do. Anyone who says otherwise, probably doesn't have a good understanding of the facts. I hope your IL's heal, but I can't imagine what they're going through. As far as the kids, I agree with the poster that said to be honest with the kids about what's going on. I don't know how much they're really going to understand, but at least (hopefully) they'll realize it's not about them.

Hugs.

I only say this not offend but to point out what you said. You "uprooted" your children to support a relationship that is competely out of your control. You have your primary family and they have theirs. They seem to be living (not actively or joyfully by any means) their own life as a couple. Who they have living with them or why really should not be a factor here. If they are depressed then why would you want your kids to sleep over there? If they have "odd" living arrangements and activities or a mundane routine it is the last place that your kids should be. My opinion is to enlighten your child on how "old" people can sometimes get very boring and tired. I would say this with funny humor and just explain that their love is not displayed by their ability to see them but that you will continue to support their relationship with their grandparents whenever they allow you to do so.

I am sad for your loss and that you really wanted this to be one relationship and it is clearly different from your vision. Take the times that they come over and are happy and when they make those empty promises just give your kids a cute "knowing" smile that invites them to understand that at that moment they may mean it but to just enjoy this moment with them and not count on any sleepovers.

Bottom line, this is where families differ. You are from a family that embraced the grandparents and they may not. This is going to be a tough one but they are not likely going to change.

I'm so sorry I didn't even touch on their sadness or loss..This has to be incredibly sad for you as well and you have such a nurturing heart...Once again, if they do not allow this contact to happen, you are going to be putting yourself and the kids in a frustrating situation. I love the idea of some form of contact regularly by way of cute cards/notes and leaving messages. If that's all you can do, then that is a lot for your to display to your kids about continuing to embrace whatever relationship they can have even if it is not a lot of actual visiting or contact. :(