A Teen Ager Is About to Join Our Family

You say she's a handful and that there have been problems each time she's stayed with you, but you don't say what type of problems... my thinking is that unless she has MAJOR issues, like a drug addiction, she's probably just a typical teenager who's feeling very unstable and unloved. I mean, her Mom doesn't want her, her Grandma doesn't want her, where the heck is her Dad? She could probably really benefit from a loving family situation such as yours. On the other hand, your husband has no obligation to this kid. Where will she go, if not with you? She'll be living with her boyfriend and knocked up within 18 months, most likely. That's what happens to teen girls who feel unworthy and have never had good role models. Sit down with her, and your husband, and outline your expectations for her. Maybe even go so far as to have her sign a contract, as in "I promise to be home by 10pm" and "I promise to treat my family with respect" or whatever. Make it clear to her that you all want the best for her, but that she has to behave. And then, expect that sometimes she won't, and you have to love her anyway. Or at least pretend to. She needs that.

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Hi P.,

If it were I, I would have a very open discussion with my husband and tell him exactly how I felt about it. Then, allow the boys to do the same.

Before she was allowed to move in, I would want a sit down with her and your husband where there were rules and consequences set out so that there were as few surprises as possible. You and your husband will have to be very supportive of one another because she will try to get away with misbehaving and it will set the precedent for your sons.

Good luck in whatever you decide!!

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It sounds like this child needs a place where she can feel wanted and a family that she can be part of. Beleive me if she does not get it from family, she will look elsewhere and those are probably not the healthiest places for her to be. Scary situation, when you have your home and your life all in order and someone or something comes along and "MIGHT" mess things up. Set strong boundries and with unconditional love. I have a dear family and close friend in my life who has four wonderful children. All are handfuls but they know the boundaries and they respect them. Both Mom and Dad say, if you don't want to live by the rules, then let's go and pack your bag. All have done and are doing very well in their chosen field of interest and the oldest now, who is 19 just moved out and is doing wonderfully well on her own. They keep them involved in things they are interested in and Mom and Dad are always a part of those things. It is called family support and togetherness. I beleive this will work for you and since your husband is a willing participant, "go for it"! Give her the stability she needs. Give her a loving home and a loving family and she will come around.

Blessings,
K.

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I think sometimes love is not told enough to alot of the children and sometimes we need to seek to let them know the love is still there. I do not know if that helps you but I know and have seen stituations where love is all it took to soften the heart and love covers all things. It does help children and adults. Maybe the daughter needs the extra moment of being told she is loved more than she knows. I would say there is a reason she wants to be there. Give her a chance of talking and finding out why in a loving way. If it is because she can not get her way then she need to know the reasons why and if she will not talk about it then the family needs to gather around and talk everything out together or with a counciler together openly. Rules should be made and stood up to but discussed why they are made and should be.

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I know there will have to be changes and compromises if you take her in. It sounds like to me she been living with various people. Always remember teenagers need rules and guidance. You will have to have wisdom in this situation.Maybe she doesn't feel that she fits in anywhere. Its hard sometimes but we have to love them and be understanding with them. She may try you both at first. I am no expert, lord knows, they don't come with a manual. I have three daughters and all of them are very different. I've had different problems with each one. They have their own personalities. I would say maybe you could read some literature on the subject. But it doesn't always work for every one the same.... R. W

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I would to set some ground rules, once broken put her out. But, it sounds like maybe she has had enough of that try to understand why she is acting this way, unsteady environment, being the let down to everyone. How would you feel?

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I would say absolutely NOT . This can cause more problems than realized . If you as a family are content , keep it that way . I understand wanting to stay in touch due to the boys but you may have alot of grief in the future if you take her in . Avoid the inevitable. Be supportive but do not take her in . Keep a peaceful home . Good luck and god bless.

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Hi P.,
I would investigate the problems she is having. Decide how those problems would effect her brothers and then decide if I would let her come live with me. I would also discuss it with my husband.

As mentioned before I would discuss with her the rules that you and your husband set for her to follow. Write a contract with what you will and will not allow her to do. In the contract put what is expected/acceptable behavior from her. List the types of punishment if she breaks the rules. Talk about any chores she is expected to do,etc. You, your husband and her sign it.

You didnt mention if you and your huband would also have custody of her.

I wish you the best of luck in whatever you decide to do.

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I have never dealt with this issue myself personally. But I am around this type of stuff through my work. Not a professional at this though. Does the Great grandmother have full custody? If not who has custody? Does the bio father have any custody? If he does than he needs to be in this discussion. Becareful taking in a child that is not yours or your husbands without involving all custodial persons. If the bio father has nothing to do with her at this time, there's always that possibility if you take her in that he could pop up and start a family court issue. If you all come to an agreement of taking her in I commend you all and sounds like she will get hopefully the love and support she needs.

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This is a toughie. I would have a sit down with the girl and write down some rules and consequences that she must abide by if she were to live with you. I wouldn't write down anything that is too outrageous or may be unexpected; but usual like a curfew and chores. You need to make her understand that even though you're not her biological parents, if she wants to live with you, she must obey as if you were her parents. This is your house and these are the rules that she must live by. Make her understand that this situation will most likely be permanent until she's off age, or until one of her family members will willingly take her in. She needs to realize that her behavior is unacceptable and she needs to mature and treat you as if you were her parents. You have her during the summer, well maybe this summer can be a "trial run" with the new ground rules. If she does not adhere to them, then you have your answer. Good Luck!!

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If you can, go to family counseling with your boys and husband first. If you then decide to take this girl in, you will be prepared for situations that arise...and most likely will continue to need to be in counseling for a while. (I say this because my extended family lived through it).

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Where is her mother? Her mother's mother, her aunts, etc.? You see my question points out that everyone knows there is a real problem here. Stay out. You have enough. I raised my six and more. I have no regrets. I had plenty of heart aches. I just don't recommend it to you. You already have doubts. You have to have them for a reason. You don't go into something with half a heart, it dooms you for failure. I have been married 31 years. Take heart, you will have many chances to love, and many chances to lose, this isn't your last. Tell him, sorry, no. And, be loving, but firm. And, say, where is her mother, and her mother's mother, and her aunt's and everyone, yes the older woman does deserve a break, but that does not mean YOU.
Take care. Stand your ground.

P.,
I really think that you should call family meeting, with all parties involved(all kids, and even the grandchildren, depending on their ages). Let Dad find out exactly what the problems and issues are with the girl. And something has to be wrong if she can not stay with her great grandmother. Also if you decide to allow her to move in, first of all I applaud you and your husband, she is no relation to either of you, so that is very commendable of you both. However just like with every child there needs to be ground rules and consequences if they are broken and she needs to be aware of them before she even thinks of coming in the house permanently.

P., well this is the thing you know already what happens when she is there. And you cant wait for her to leave. The grandmother cant even control her. why would you want to put your troubles off on another person. The thing is when she is at your house you let her do a lot of things and show her lots of love even if some of the things you know are wrong. If you chestise her and stop letting her get away with alot of things she wouldnt want to stay there either. She dont want to stay with the grandmother cause she got to listen. Take my advice been there done that. If you take her in your house, your marriage,boys will be turned up side down. Pray about it and see what the lord tell you. but i went through it and my house wasnt the same anymore. it was untill i put her out that my husband and i had a marriage again. Even my son suffered the wrath of her. everything that was did wrong she put it on him. even when it was time for chores she didnt do them my husband made my son do them. bad move if you let her come. A snake will bite i dont care what kind it is, or what color it is... Think about it!

Since the two boys are not in favor, I would strongly advise against taking this girl in. She is not your husband's child and from the sounds of things would only disrupt your home and the life your family has built. Her grandmother wants her out because she has caused problems there. You cannot save the world and the most important thing is to take care of the family you have. If the boys were in favor, it might be worth taking the risk but since they are not and she has always created problems when she has been there...save yourself and your family the headaches that lie ahead... DON'T DO IT!!
voice of experience..

I would do it legally through social services and foster her for at least a year. You will then have backup, and also, a little $ coming in. You will also have a placement, if she doesn't work out. This could be the fall of your family. You need money backing, as you will all need to see a counselor. Of course, on the up side, it would be wonderful if it worked out, but life rarely does, as a gma knows. So, really think about this.

Hello P..
You did nt mention the exact age of the teenager,but as a mother of two grown up children Im sure you remember the teenage years when they went through the rebelious stages and every one elses family was better than your own? My question is why is she with the great-grandparents? Teenagers often hop from one divorced parent to the other because they dont like the rules set by either one.
Secondly,I set you in high regard for being a full time mom to the boys,its not an easy task when there is a lot of baggage attatched and lets face it,it takes a lot of hard work for a mixed family to get to that place where by there is no division but they are all equal.
Advice can be a dangerous thing when given freely,but If I were you,I would speak honestly and openly with your husband about your feelings.I would not involve the boys in the discussion,no need to lay any future guilt trips on their door,after all she is their sister.But at the end of the day,she is no kin to you or your husband and therefore is not your responsibility.Why risk jeopardising all you have worked so hard for,in getting your family unit happy and settled because of a problem that his ex-wife may have?
Best of luck
A.

I hate to sound mean, but that girl is NOT your problem. Save your sanity and leave her to be a problem for her family. I have a stepkid I WISH I could send to live elsewhere. I hope you take a stand and listen because I am in that spot right now and it causes havoc in your life, and takes time away from more worthy causes (like the kids that you already have that act right and try to stay out of trouble). Not to mention marital discord due to the resentment you will have for your husband when the girl starts causing you MAJOR problems- spare yourself and your REAL stepkids! Good Luck!

YES I agree to having a family meeting. Everyone needs to be in agreement and have their feelings heard. I agreed a few years ago to allow my husband's, then 17yr old son come live with us. It was always good when my dh was home but as soon as he went to the field (Army) things would become awful. My stepson stayed 9 months with us and it took a while for us to get back to normal. My relationship with my dh suffered as well as my youngest son having autism started having more behavior issues. Since then my stepson has ask to come back but I have refused. He is going to be 21 this year and not working, going to school or anything but sitting around his grandma's house eating her out of house and home as well as stealing from her. I didn't mean to make this so long but my point is think long and hard about the decision and give the kids a chance to voice their opinions. Good Luck to you. K.

You are stuck between a rock and a hard place. If her great grandmother wants her out there has got to be a reason. Why would someone kick a wonderful wonderful person out?
I would talk to my husband first off and tell him that you don't have alot of faith that it will work and you do not intend to put your kids through a "bad" envirnoment if she brings along one. You need to work something out with him where he is either SUPER strict if she proves to be what you think she will be OR let him know that you will leave in order to give your kids the proper environment and life that they deserve. YOUR kids come first. Where is her mother? Why does the girl not go with her mother? Sounds like a really screwed up world there. But you have to stick to your guns, set your boundaries and DO NOT LET her wreck your home life and your boys life. If she brings into your home what you think she will bring, someone has to go. Is your husband willing to chose her over you and the other boys?
STAND FIRM!
Sometimes as an adult and a parent you have to do things that you would rather not like letting her come and live with you, however, you DO NOT have to put up with her wrecking you life or causeing problems to you or your boys.
SO STAND FIRM and talk to him about it now before it happens so he will know where you stand.

That is a really hard situation. You know that you and your family could make a big difference in that child's life but at what price? Anyone who has been a step-parent can tell you that it is the hardest job in the world but often the most rewarding. If it was me I would sit down with my husband and share my concerns and have some ground rules before I would even consider it. I would also have each parent talk individually about the pros and cons of having this girl come and live with you. After everyone has talked about it individually I would have a family meeting and discuss it again. When you have heard everyone's opinions and prayed about it. The right decision for you and your family will come.

Pam,
No....don't do it. Go with your instincts and your other childrens apprehension. Those are valid feelings of concern for you and your boys. You are just asking for problems. I am a 59 year old woman who gives this advice to you because I too have lived with this kind of situation. Please, please don't open your home to problems like this. Listen to your mind/heart and realize that life is hard enough without inviting a live in problem in your home. Please just say no, and move on with your happy life. Good luck and please follow your instincts as well as your boys concerns and you'll not go wrong.