22 answers

A Sister's Betrayal Among Other Issues

A few weeks ago, my boyfriend of 10 months decided to tell me how he was committed to a 17 years girl from his country. I abruptly ended the relationship. He wanted to continue on as friends because he claims that he does not know if it will even work out with the girl he is betrothed to. I informed him that I did not want to be friends - this greatly infuriated him. A few days after this happend, I found out that he has been having a sexual relationship with my own sister and that she has been talking about me behind my back. He called me to tell about this and told me that he did this because I would not be his friend or continue communication with him. I feel betrayed by both. As a woman, its so much easier to cut the man, but I am having a difficult time thinking of why my sister would do this to me. She has slept already slept with a previous ex boyfriend of mine - several years ago. I forgave her then, but I cant see myself forgiving her a second time. I have always taken care of care....she is a single mom - and I pay for her 2 kids school supplies and clothes. I helped her financially when her kid's father walked out - I even dropped out of college to help her get on her feet. She is the type of person that does not like to see other people happy if she is not happy. She has always been super envious of me. Now that I am in my early 30's I have reached a point where I have begun dropping all the negative people in my life and decided to continue my education - though its hard working full time. While I am a family oriented person, I can't continue to deal with my sister. I tried to call her to confront her, but she will not answer my calls. My other little sister told me that my sister told her kids to never mention my name in her house (as if I did something). I told my brother and father about this....my brother does not talk to her either (as she has tried to break up his marriage before) my father chooses to turn the other cheek (he has tried to call her, but my sister does not answer his calls either) Our mother died more than 15 years ago - I am the oldest of 4. I have always been the mother figure to the others....Ladies, would it be terrible of me to not want anything to do with her in the future? Please keep in mind that she has done this TWICE and has turned family members/acquaintences against me. I would appreciate any input. Thanks!

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She does not act like a sister that loves and cares for you. So don't treat her like a sister either. I would drop her like a hot potato and make her realize her loss. Until she is ready to act like a loving family member I would have nothing to do with her. Give it some time, maybe she will act human and come around.

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I'm sorry this happened to you.

I'd just let her go. It's wonderful when siblings end up being friends, but an accident of genetics doesn't mean that you are obligated so someone for the rest of your life. By all accounts, you've been a wonderful sister, and you've done the best you can. This is her loss, not yours.

Good luck.

2 moms found this helpful

Umm..I'd drop her like a hot potato, sister or not. You'll never be able to trust her and it sounds like she's going to do all she can to make your life miserable. I get that she's your sister, but why would you expose yourself and your children to a person like that? It sounds like she's already cut you out of her life. I don't know how you could forgive her for something so disrespectful. I'm so sorry that you have to deal with this. Your sister should be your comfort, not a back stabber.

1 mom found this helpful

Keep your distance. Stop rescuing her. You need to minimize your contact with her - she is toxic. I've done this with my mother, so yes, you can do it with your sister. I am polite when necessary, but that's it. So sorry for you.

1 mom found this helpful

wish her well, send her love from a safe distance, and remove her toxic presence from your life.
khairete
S.

1 mom found this helpful

It sounds like your sister has taken this out of your hands. She probably has some deep-seeded issues about the loss of your mother that she's never properly dealt with. If she's not in a mental place to have a relationship with you, the best you can do is let it go. She's your sister and will always be your sister. If she gets her act together, she may come to you in time. That doesn't mean you have to resume the role of her caretaker (that won't help your relationship as sisters.) If she is cutting off contact with most of your family, it is definitely not just an issue she has with you. Sounds like self-destructive behavior and that she is not in a place to accept help from her family right now.

Also, I am not clear by your post. Did your sister have a sexual relationship with your boyfriends during your relationship, or after you had broken up. It may not seem like much of a difference, but it does speak to whether she is behaving out of spite toward you or if she truly believes she deserves no better than your hand-me-downs. Something to think on.

Either way, you can't expend excess energy on this. She must be allowed to live her life and make her mistakes. I just hope you can take her actions and inactions in context and realize they are born of some sort of pain..... and perhaps take a moment to feel sorry for her, then move on to making your life the best it can be.

Congratualtions on ditching the jerks who seem so willing to use your sister for sex as well as emotional manipultion of you.

1 mom found this helpful

A.,

I only had time to read a few of your responses, so sorry if this is a repeat. My sister did nothing close to what yours did but did other things that made me feel anger and disappointment in our relationship. A little over a year ago we had a huge blowout, the worst we have ever had. My sister expects a lot, but gives little in return. I put up with this for years because I love her and she is my only sibling. We have not talked in over a year now. I still love my sister and I want her life to be happy and full, just not around me. I can't tell you how hard this was at first and how much I had to hear how crazy this was from other family members. But the peace I feel in my life is worth it. I am in my mid 30's and I don't want negative people in my life either, so I totally understand that, maybe that is a 30's thing!! I still send x-mas and birthday presents to my nephews, but having my sister in my life was not good for me and the stress it caused trickled down to my children. Whatever your decision is will be right for you now, you can always change your mind, but I wanted to share my story with you to let you know that it does work out to love a sibling from a far. I feel no guilt over it, actually a year later it is not even a daily thought. For me less drama has been so freeing and worth the price of not seeing my sister and has allowed me to focus on the positive in my life instead of the negative. I wish you good luck with your decision.

R.

1 mom found this helpful

A.,
I think we must share the same sister. I am the youngest of 4 (2 brothers and one sister). Both of my brothers speak with my sister out of fear, but not often. Because she tried to break up one of their marriages, one of my brothers can only talk to my sister in hiding. As for me, I have practically raised my sister's daughter. I helped my sister through college and anything else you can imagine to make her happy. Without getting into the details, instead of appreciation, she only ever gave me grief. For me, it is all about family. So, I always made excuses for her, but then it started to affect my own marriage. Last year, I had so many stressors in my life that she sent me over the edge. At first, I told her that I would only speak with her if she could give me the support that I had given her over the years and that I did not want negativity. That lasted for a few months and then she started again. I decided to cut her from my life. It was the hardest thing I have ever done! At first, she went on a rampage against me to the family - a 'how dare i do this to her' type thing. It was difficult with the family at first, but they all understood. It has been just over a year and I am still saddened by it, but I feel free. No one deserves to be treated so disrespectfully - especially by a family member. I know that some posters have said that you need to cool down and try to talk with her, but they have never dealt with someone that is mentally ill. I think for you sister to do what she has done to you, there is an illness. Unless she wants to seek help, I suggest you sever the ties because only more hurt and disappointment will follow. You have taken on the mother role, but you are not her mother. You need to worry about you and your family first. I hope that helps and was not just a garbled mess.
C.

1 mom found this helpful

You cannot choose your family, but you can choose your friends. And if you do not want to be friends with your family...that is your choice! Sometimes in life, people make friends that are closer to them than their own blood relatives. Sad but true. I say drop her like a bad habit, and go make yourself happy in life!

1 mom found this helpful

There is an illness called borderline personality disorder. Borderlines are perpetual victims in need of rescuing, they draw people into their life dramas and then betray them. Over and over and over. When things calm down they will create a crisis.

I don't know you sister and I don't know you but this pattern sounds familiar. The only reason I would get into this sister's life is on behalf of the children. Other than that sit back and let her whirl. Neither she nor the ex-boyfriend (who were free to do as they wished really) sound worth the emotional anguish. They can do what they want and if they had fallen deeply in love it would be one thing, but this sounds a great deal like a revenge thing on both of their parts. You're 30. Leave childish things behind. Focus on getting your life together and stable and productive. Rescuing other immature and possibly ill people is a job, not a life.

1 mom found this helpful

Slightly different perspective - yes you should forgive your sister. Form the way you explained this hes started sleeping with her after you broke up - was that tacky - yes, but since you no longer had a claim, technically they could do what they wanted. I know emotionally it is a real kicker, and yes it does FEEL like a betrayal. But in reality they are only demeaning themselves - you were smart enought to walk away from him.

After things cool down, talk to your sister, see if you can find out what is really going on, try counseling - with or without her. You mentioned that you were back in school and I know a lot of colleges have counseling services for their students.

Also remember - the only way somone can be turned against you is if they weren't a trusting freind to being with. Although your sister may have been the catalyst the ground had to have been fertile for her efforts to work.

I know this can't be easy for you and I will say a prayer for you and your family.

She does not act like a sister that loves and cares for you. So don't treat her like a sister either. I would drop her like a hot potato and make her realize her loss. Until she is ready to act like a loving family member I would have nothing to do with her. Give it some time, maybe she will act human and come around.

Wow. Sounds like you have made a lot of sacrifices for your sister and her kids. You need to realize there is a difference between helping out and being a door mat.
She sounds like she has REAL issues and I'm afraid, if I were in your shoes, I'd cut all contact. Immediately. Good luck. PLUS this man is (ans always was) a loser. Seems like he really likes to have lots of options. In spite of who he hurts in the process.

Give yourself some distance to gain perspective and let time heal some wounds. It sounds like she is already on the defensive. There may also be things that happened between your ex and her, things he said and did that played into your sister's insecurities...maybe not.

Once things have cooled down for awhile, you might consider a heart to heart to find out what is actually going on and why your sister and you have these issues between you. This will not be a time to enumerate the things you have done for her; but to discuss feelings and try to get a real reading of her feelings. It may be something fixable. It may not.

You do not need to cut her out of your life, in fact, I wouldn't completely do that. You can keep some distance and you know that trust may always be an issue between you two. That is a difficult thing to accept; but not everyone is capable of the same levels of trust.

Don't forget, there were two people involved in the betrayal both times. A stand up man would never do that either.

Your sister is very selfish and doesn't seem to be able to relate to anyone else's needs or hurts. she may have a personality issue called narcicism. I'mn not doctor, but I do know narcicists. I read up on it lately and it struck home. Also, a guy that knew he was a narcicist wrote a book and said that they don't change, so if you want a relationship with one, it is all one sided.

Step away from it all. You probably didn't look out for signals that told you this guy wasn't genuine. Look at that so yuo can learn from it. Stop caring if your sister tried to relate to a bad guy. She must be desperately needing attention to try to take other people's love interests. Get some counseling so you can deal with this most effectively. You may have to stay away from her other than maybe holiday gatherings with other family members present. It doesn't look like she will contribute to you in any way, shape, or form. Allow dad to do whatever but you might loan him a book on narcicism when you finish reading it and if it looks like that might be the problem.

Sounds like you're a great person and have been a great sister. Sometimes there are just takers who don't give back. Seen the series "House" on TV? His character is one type of narcicist.

A.,
What a horrible situation; compounded by the fact that your very own sister would do this to you. Twice. I realize that she is family, blood, but I can see no reason to continue a relationship with her. Some people are just poison. Personally, I can put up with quite a bit. But when I reach a certain point and can no longer handle the stress -- and I have had family relationship stress -- I turn it off and don't look back. This is a coping mechanism for me, I know, but it works. So you do whatever it is that will help you heal and move on. I'm sorry to say, but your sister is a user. We all know people like that. Best of luck to you.

Cut her loose! You wouldn't be friends with this person (I hope), and there's nothing that says just because you're related that you have to have a relationship with her. She's obviously a pretty terrible person, so you don't need her in your life. I have(had) an aunt who was horrible and did some pretty terrible things to my family (but she didn't sleep with my Dad!!!!) -although she lied about sleeping with another uncle. We haven't had anything to do with her or her twisted family for 20 years now, and it's been a good thing. RUN AWAY FAST AND DON'T LOOK BACK! If your other family members try to guilt you about it or have an issue with it, lay your cards on the table and ask them if they were in your shoes, would they want her in their lives?

I can understand your pain, she sounds like a dangerous person. Even though you have the same blood line running through your veins, her actions is showing that she's a stranger. Still love her but deal with her with a long handle spoon. Good Luck!!!!!

Although you cannot choose your family in this case you can choose to not speak to her. She is a coward and a mess of a human being. To do that to her own sister is about the most painful thing I could think of. Doesn't sound like counseling would do any immediate help. I think if you choose to back away from her for awhile and pick your own happy life you can. And cut the financial assistance. She will figure it out. You cannot be there to save her all the time. Her jealousy may end or not, but you do not need to end your own chances for happiness because of her. You continue your education and do not let her emotional baggage disrupt it.

Disown her. It sounds like she is jealous and has some serious issues.

It is understandable that you wouldn't want anything to do with her. Betrayal is serious and to know that she has done this twice is double the pain. In the end it is her children who will suffer from not having you around.

For now I would keep a distance as I learn how to forgive her again. Why forgive her? It is not for her but for you. Forgiveness isn't about ignoring what she did to you. It is about your letting go of feelings of revenge or animosity towards her for what she did to you. Personally I feel sorry for her and what she has lost through her own actions. Your life will be greatly improved when you are a forgiving person. You won't be filled with bitterness, anger, and sorrow and have those themes ripping through your life. It is hard work when the wound runs so deep but it is worth the reward on the otherside.

Spend the next 10 - 12 months focusing on the things you want in your life and on your character and see what happens then. Remember she will reap what she has sown and what goes around comes around. Karma.

When her bad Karma comes back to bite her in the butt, you will be in a position to teach her how to forgive and have a better life like the one you are about to have once you forgive her and focus on all of the great things you want for your future soon to be present.

Dear A.,
I think you should definitely forgive your sister, but that does not mean you still have to help her. As far as I can see you have done more than enough for her, and you are not obligated to do anything more. It is very high of you to help her through all that, but I think she needs to see what she has lost in order to stop taking you for granted. I have dealt with this type of people before (my fiancee before my husband) and it was hurt and hurt for many years before I actually cut him from my life, and I tell you it was the hardest thing I ever did, but think about it, before you can make anyone happy you have to be happy and how can you be happy if you have to be watching your back? Like I said you have to forgive her not for her but for you, so that YOU wont be carrying that grudge in your heart. After that she is on her own, with her own dramas, conscience and betrayals. I don't know this is the best advice, but based on in my case it worked.

I'm so sorry! Your sister is a piece of work and very obviously has mental issues. Good riddance to bad rubbish, is what I say.

Go ahead and cut ties with her, but don't expect everyone else in your family to do the same. I know it's hard and it hurts doubly because she's turning her kids against you after all you've done for them, but you're just going to have to let that go. Hopefully, you can establish a relationship with them when they are older.

Best of luck.

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