22 answers

A Sister's Betrayal Among Other Issues

A few weeks ago, my boyfriend of 10 months decided to tell me how he was committed to a 17 years girl from his country. I abruptly ended the relationship. He wanted to continue on as friends because he claims that he does not know if it will even work out with the girl he is betrothed to. I informed him that I did not want to be friends - this greatly infuriated him. A few days after this happend, I found out that he has been having a sexual relationship with my own sister and that she has been talking about me behind my back. He called me to tell about this and told me that he did this because I would not be his friend or continue communication with him. I feel betrayed by both. As a woman, its so much easier to cut the man, but I am having a difficult time thinking of why my sister would do this to me. She has slept already slept with a previous ex boyfriend of mine - several years ago. I forgave her then, but I cant see myself forgiving her a second time. I have always taken care of care....she is a single mom - and I pay for her 2 kids school supplies and clothes. I helped her financially when her kid's father walked out - I even dropped out of college to help her get on her feet. She is the type of person that does not like to see other people happy if she is not happy. She has always been super envious of me. Now that I am in my early 30's I have reached a point where I have begun dropping all the negative people in my life and decided to continue my education - though its hard working full time. While I am a family oriented person, I can't continue to deal with my sister. I tried to call her to confront her, but she will not answer my calls. My other little sister told me that my sister told her kids to never mention my name in her house (as if I did something). I told my brother and father about this....my brother does not talk to her either (as she has tried to break up his marriage before) my father chooses to turn the other cheek (he has tried to call her, but my sister does not answer his calls either) Our mother died more than 15 years ago - I am the oldest of 4. I have always been the mother figure to the others....Ladies, would it be terrible of me to not want anything to do with her in the future? Please keep in mind that she has done this TWICE and has turned family members/acquaintences against me. I would appreciate any input. Thanks!

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She does not act like a sister that loves and cares for you. So don't treat her like a sister either. I would drop her like a hot potato and make her realize her loss. Until she is ready to act like a loving family member I would have nothing to do with her. Give it some time, maybe she will act human and come around.

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I'm sorry this happened to you.

I'd just let her go. It's wonderful when siblings end up being friends, but an accident of genetics doesn't mean that you are obligated so someone for the rest of your life. By all accounts, you've been a wonderful sister, and you've done the best you can. This is her loss, not yours.

Good luck.

2 moms found this helpful

Umm..I'd drop her like a hot potato, sister or not. You'll never be able to trust her and it sounds like she's going to do all she can to make your life miserable. I get that she's your sister, but why would you expose yourself and your children to a person like that? It sounds like she's already cut you out of her life. I don't know how you could forgive her for something so disrespectful. I'm so sorry that you have to deal with this. Your sister should be your comfort, not a back stabber.

1 mom found this helpful

Keep your distance. Stop rescuing her. You need to minimize your contact with her - she is toxic. I've done this with my mother, so yes, you can do it with your sister. I am polite when necessary, but that's it. So sorry for you.

1 mom found this helpful

wish her well, send her love from a safe distance, and remove her toxic presence from your life.

1 mom found this helpful

It sounds like your sister has taken this out of your hands. She probably has some deep-seeded issues about the loss of your mother that she's never properly dealt with. If she's not in a mental place to have a relationship with you, the best you can do is let it go. She's your sister and will always be your sister. If she gets her act together, she may come to you in time. That doesn't mean you have to resume the role of her caretaker (that won't help your relationship as sisters.) If she is cutting off contact with most of your family, it is definitely not just an issue she has with you. Sounds like self-destructive behavior and that she is not in a place to accept help from her family right now.

Also, I am not clear by your post. Did your sister have a sexual relationship with your boyfriends during your relationship, or after you had broken up. It may not seem like much of a difference, but it does speak to whether she is behaving out of spite toward you or if she truly believes she deserves no better than your hand-me-downs. Something to think on.

Either way, you can't expend excess energy on this. She must be allowed to live her life and make her mistakes. I just hope you can take her actions and inactions in context and realize they are born of some sort of pain..... and perhaps take a moment to feel sorry for her, then move on to making your life the best it can be.

Congratualtions on ditching the jerks who seem so willing to use your sister for sex as well as emotional manipultion of you.

1 mom found this helpful


I only had time to read a few of your responses, so sorry if this is a repeat. My sister did nothing close to what yours did but did other things that made me feel anger and disappointment in our relationship. A little over a year ago we had a huge blowout, the worst we have ever had. My sister expects a lot, but gives little in return. I put up with this for years because I love her and she is my only sibling. We have not talked in over a year now. I still love my sister and I want her life to be happy and full, just not around me. I can't tell you how hard this was at first and how much I had to hear how crazy this was from other family members. But the peace I feel in my life is worth it. I am in my mid 30's and I don't want negative people in my life either, so I totally understand that, maybe that is a 30's thing!! I still send x-mas and birthday presents to my nephews, but having my sister in my life was not good for me and the stress it caused trickled down to my children. Whatever your decision is will be right for you now, you can always change your mind, but I wanted to share my story with you to let you know that it does work out to love a sibling from a far. I feel no guilt over it, actually a year later it is not even a daily thought. For me less drama has been so freeing and worth the price of not seeing my sister and has allowed me to focus on the positive in my life instead of the negative. I wish you good luck with your decision.


1 mom found this helpful

I think we must share the same sister. I am the youngest of 4 (2 brothers and one sister). Both of my brothers speak with my sister out of fear, but not often. Because she tried to break up one of their marriages, one of my brothers can only talk to my sister in hiding. As for me, I have practically raised my sister's daughter. I helped my sister through college and anything else you can imagine to make her happy. Without getting into the details, instead of appreciation, she only ever gave me grief. For me, it is all about family. So, I always made excuses for her, but then it started to affect my own marriage. Last year, I had so many stressors in my life that she sent me over the edge. At first, I told her that I would only speak with her if she could give me the support that I had given her over the years and that I did not want negativity. That lasted for a few months and then she started again. I decided to cut her from my life. It was the hardest thing I have ever done! At first, she went on a rampage against me to the family - a 'how dare i do this to her' type thing. It was difficult with the family at first, but they all understood. It has been just over a year and I am still saddened by it, but I feel free. No one deserves to be treated so disrespectfully - especially by a family member. I know that some posters have said that you need to cool down and try to talk with her, but they have never dealt with someone that is mentally ill. I think for you sister to do what she has done to you, there is an illness. Unless she wants to seek help, I suggest you sever the ties because only more hurt and disappointment will follow. You have taken on the mother role, but you are not her mother. You need to worry about you and your family first. I hope that helps and was not just a garbled mess.

1 mom found this helpful

You cannot choose your family, but you can choose your friends. And if you do not want to be friends with your family...that is your choice! Sometimes in life, people make friends that are closer to them than their own blood relatives. Sad but true. I say drop her like a bad habit, and go make yourself happy in life!

1 mom found this helpful

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