A Sex Question... - Katy,TX

No there is nothing wrong with you.

And he shouldn't be pouty. He's an adult not a child.

It's horrible to feel like something is wrong with you because of what someone else's reactions are. I am sorry you are going through this.

However - I'd like to share the opposite perspective. Have you ever been with someone that didn't need to eat as often as you? By the time they're ready to eat you are starving. Or could go longer without going pee? By the time they're ready to stop during the roadtrip you're about to bust. Or didn't need to get those dishes done right after dinner? You just stare at them wondering how they can just let them pile up when it would just take a couple minutes to get them done. But the point is..... you start to get a little irritable don't you? Guys are like that with sex. They can have sex when they are tired, or mad or frustrated or whatever. Most women are not like that. Especially when our roles are already stressed to the max with everything that we have to juggle.

First - has your sex drive changed? If so, maybe a trip to the Dr is in order.

Or it may be that you just have a lot going on. 4 kids is a lot of work!!!!! I'm going to assume that he is EXTREMELY helpful around the house and involved with the kids (if not, he needs to pitch in). So - what can be reduced? What can he help with? What can you have someone else do?

4 kids is a lot of work for you, as I said. but it's also a lot of time and focus away from your marriage and you guys as a couple.

Sex is important in a marriage. It builds intimacy. It brings you closer. It's an integral part of what keeps a man and a woman bound to each other for life. For men, it's also a physical release of semen which builds up in their system each time they think about sex (I can't remember the # of times the avg guy thinks about a sex a day. It's alot).

no - don't just to 'give it to him'. I hate that advice. Because you have to enjoy it too. Find out what will make you want to be more intimate with your husband. Find out what will replenish your desire to be with him. And then do that.

Good Luck.

10 moms found this helpful

oooh man!!! can we trade?! I'd love to have sex EVERY night!!!

While sex is good in our house - it doesn't happen often enough for me...so I don't "get it" sorry....I'm know - I'm probably in the minority here...but my husband is fine with once a week - i want it once a day if not more...kids or no kids.

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So, your husband is high libido.
You are not.
You are a Mom... that is why.
SO common.

BUT... for your Husband, to denigrate you for this, is wrong.
Really.
He should not be putting you down, for this.
You are not, an instant play toy. With an on/off switch.

AND by the way... WHAT IS HE DOING IN THE HOME TO HELP YOU AND THE KIDS????
Being a Husband, means HELPING in the house and with the kids.

Perhaps, you both need counseling... because, he is putting you down.
This is harmful, not loving.

You have 4 kids.
Now, does your Husband have 4 kids too???
Those are his kids, too.
AND you are his Wife, and he should be filling your cup too, daily, with help and positive reactions, to you.
Not just, for sex.

5 moms found this helpful

The sexual appetite can be very strong and distracting need, and regular relations really help a couple stay connected and smooth out little conflicts so they don't become big conflicts. That said, there can be huge differences in sexual drive, and a large imbalance between partners generally requires compromise on both sides. Usually, but not always, husbands wish for more frequent sex than their wives.

You mention your husband wanting sex every night, but also say he goes 5 or 6 days without. Sounds to me like there's lots of room for compromise between those two frequencies that might meet both your needs well enough. Also, experimenting with new practices (a relaxing massage, more interesting foreplay) could make the whole experience seem more worthwhile for you, or even give him the release he needs without involving intercourse for you. Some women are also seriously turned on by a man pitching in and helping with housework and children. It might be worth exploring some options.

4 moms found this helpful

Well, realistically I think 2-3 times per week is normal to expect. And I think I heard on The Talk or something that "average" married couples have sex only 1-2 times per week. Now here is the real question...what KIND of sex does your husband want? Does he want/need some long drawn out love making session that lasts 2 hours or is he good with a 15 min quickie? I think if he (and you) could manage some quickies then you both would be happy. He gets what he "needs" and you are not feeling like you are too tired because you know it will last for 2 hours. I hope you will find something that works for both of you because every night is not realistic. Good luck!

4 moms found this helpful

Have sex first thing in the morning :) Works WAY better for us!

BTW... hubby home only 3 nights a week and pretty much when he is home... we get r done! hehehehe

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We have it about twice a week and its usually on the weekends. We are usually busy, tired and lzy at night during the week. If one of wanted it more, I think the other would try to accomodate. So I would say try to compromise and instead of the 7 days he wants it and the one you want it, meet in the middle and aim for two maybe three days/wk.

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He has to compromise with you. If you want once a week and he wants it every day, then try 3 times a week. He is wrong to say something is wrong with you. He can't have everything he wants in life or in marriage. Don't let anyone make you feel that you don't have a right to say no. If you wanted a life of celibacy that would be different. But trying to make you feel that you have to service him everyday is a little too much like treating you like a sex slave.

I would demand that you 2 go to marriage counseling if he keeps this up.

D.

4 moms found this helpful

With 2 kids, we realized that at the end of the night we were both TOO TIRED, so we started prioritizing it at other times like, on the weekend when the kids are napping or watching a TV show or in the morning. We try not to go the whole week w/o, but we try to catch-up on the weekends! A parents' night off works wonders too--send kids to grandma's or get a sitter and get away!

I also can't turn it "on" and off like a switch like he can, so I gently remind him that coy talk and flirting leading up to it result in much more responsiveness!!! ;-D

3 moms found this helpful

We average about 4 times a week but usually half of that is on the weekend. We also have four kids( no babies or toddlers though) and we are both pretty tired by the time bed time comes around. However, I have found that most of the time if he really puts forth the effort to make me feel special and sexy that I will be more in the mood. It also helps when he tries to help me out in the evenings to lighten my load. I dont know if he does these things with a goal in mind lol but it does help to relAx me and get me in the mood sometimes( not always). Find out what he can do to help you and then talk to him about it and find a compromise :)

3 moms found this helpful

We do it at least once a day and I'm 5 months pregnant with a 2 year old. This probably doesn't help your situation but even if i don't "feel like it" I do it because I know it will be awesome and it makes me feel good after. Maybe you just need to get back into the swing of things try doing it even when you don't want to and see how that goes..

3 moms found this helpful

Recently, a fellow North West mamapedia mama asked a question about weather. She was (good-humouredly) gripping about our abysmal "summer" weather, and was wishing we could experience a heat wave like the rest of the country was getting. ((laughing)) the responses were mostly, "Ugh, how can you complain when WE have it hard. WE want some nice temperate weather...I'm in a pool of my OWN sweat and I hate it."

Libidos are a little like weather preferences, I think.

Some of us like it HOT, some of us like it COLD, and some of us prefer a constant drizzle. Also, that changes, depending on our current state of being. I might LOVE it hot, but if I'm pregnant, I just want to be in an air conditioned vat of ice, for example. Because hormones are effecting my bodies needs and wants.

You've just had a baby. Your husband has not. Your needs and wants are different. That's FINE and normal. We can want different things/need different things, but it's helpful to understand where each other is coming from. In his case, it may be helpful to recognize that you are still postpartum and in a hormonal/sleep dep flux.

He very well might feel connected, appreciated, and valued by you when you guys are in the sack, and that's hunky dory - until he's expecting/nagging you to make that connection and appreciation happen in a way that DRAINS you. When THAT's the case, it's time to hit the drawing board. "You feel rejected/isolated when I don't want to have sex with you ___ times a week. I feel tired, and not sexual. How can I/you help you feel less rejected and isolated without ME having to have sex when I'm NOT in the mood?"

In MY marriage, that looks like creating connected space outside of the bed sheets, which (indecently) has a sky rocket effect on my libido.

It took was him backing off and respecting my boundaries (he FINALLY understood that my libido/lack of libido is not about HIM, nor something he get's to decide or control), and for ME to make a serious commitment to appreciating and accepting him for where he is at. I've got to connect with him during the day (which is sometimes difficult for me to do with my brain in fourteen places other than the present moment).

((My husband, really despises hot weather. He just doesn't do well in it. I LOVE it. Rather than berate or take each other's preferences personally, we can just accept it. Doesn't mean I like it - especially when we're in warm weather and he refuses to exit the shade ;-), but it's just a part of him I don't get to change, or force into being different)).

The end result? More better sex. And connected/loving dry spells too.

So to answer your question, *I* have sex about once a day. And sometimes, a lot less/more. And that isn't a statement about how anyone ELSE should operate, or what they should want, or what they should need. It's simply where I'm at, and how it is for me.

3 moms found this helpful

I have been married 23 years. When my DH needs it, that is fine with me, but it sure would never be every day!!! We have 5 kids, 2 jobs. I feel like 2 times a week is ok -- and that is usually what works out. But if other things interfere (kids, life, work) my DH would NEVER make me feel bad about it. Ever. You need to talk, and make sure you are on the same page. I would not let my husband make me feel guilty about sex -- seems like something else could be going on there.

2 moms found this helpful

Lucky you....LOL. My hubby is happy one a week or less.
IF he is feeling it more..we will go 2 times a week. Then we will go a good long time before again.

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Nope. And your DH will get over it. Mine did. I was also very frank with him, letting him know if he helped out a little more, took some of the burden off of me, I would be less tired and more apt to be in the mood.

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I know EXACTLY how you feel. I am a mother of 2 and am very invovled in the community and with my kids school functions. I clean house every weekend and do laundry every day almost, make supper every night and breakfast, lunch and dinner on the weekends PLUS work 5 days a week. My husband works 4 days a week and comes home eats and sits infront of the TV till it's time for bed. He does do things with the kids and is a very loving husband and father. BUT when it comes to the sex game I am just to tired for it..he is the same way where complains because we only have sex once a week and I have mentioned to him that maybe if he helped me with some of the chores or cooking I would have a little more energy for sex..of course that's an almost every 3 day conversation we have and nothing has changed. We have been married for 12 years we love each other dearly but sometimes i wonder if maybe we have just lost the spark.
I have even metioned to him that just because I don't initiate it doesn't mean I don't want to... I told him that when we do have sex after the fact i am glad we did because it does feel good... and maybe if he initiated it more often we would have sex more often. Who knows.
I am just glad to see that I am not the only one out there that feels this way. I was starting to think I was a bad wife for feeling tired.

2 moms found this helpful

I guess I am the opposite. I have never been able to find a man who does not complain that I need to just relax for a minute!! After talking to several of my friends I think women can take it or leave it. Nothing is wrong with you for not wanting sex more then once a week.

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I try and remember to go at least twice a week...three if he is a good boy. :)

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We have been married 18 years this month. I had 3 kids at home when we got married it was 3-4 times a week then. Still average about the same now too however he would have sex all day long everyday if it weren't for kids or grandkids here most of the time. Men think they are cut off if it isn't as often as they would like. I have had many conversations about this with my therapist and she says my husband loves me that is why he desires me, it isn't just my nether region he loves, he loves me. I think about the time when we are both to old to do anything or if one of us should get sick or hurt that makes me want to live now and enjoy life. There is nothing wrong with you we all feel like that at times but remember all those things you love about him and why you fell in love and just do it LOL.

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It might help if your husband helps out more! Tell him he might get lucky more if you werent so tired. Also count your lucky stars that joy stick wont last forever. There is nothing wrong with only wanting it once a week. Perhaps he needs a better approach (more foreplay ). Even if i have a headache and feel sicky pooh if my hubby kisses me and sets a mood its more likely to happen! He dose not just love you for your you know what! He is just a hot blooded man.

1 mom found this helpful

Err you went from he wants it every night to every 5 or 6 days. Which is it?

Here is the thing, when you are tired, busy, every night is just too much. Ya need sleep. Still short of being sick or something 6 days is ridiculous as well. What I am saying is you don't want sex as much as he wants sex. This is on both of you. Figure it out, meet in the middle.

1 mom found this helpful

Generally, men need sex to feel intimate; women need intimacy to have sex. We are an every 3-4 days couple. He'd probably want it more often, but schedules and tiredness, etc. work with this schedule. I find that weekend daytime sex when son is napping works best cause I'm not as tired. If we don't get started by 10pm or so on the weeknight, it's tough.

It sounds like your libido's are on a different track. He is expecting a lot for every day, but a couple times a week isn't too much to ask. Men don't feel loved, generally, if they aren't desired sexually. They're just wired that way.

Try to think of ways that your burden of time, energy can be lifted so you can feel more into being intimate during the week. that way, you can let him know you're intrested, but you need help to make it happen considering the time pressures, etc. you're under.

Good luck!

1 mom found this helpful

Can't you just lie there for a few minutes a couple of times a week?

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There are some weeks that we do it everyday or more and other weeks where we will only go at it once or twice. My husband sounds a lot like your husband. He needs a "release" regularly, so even if I'm not in the mood I can still give him 5 minutes of my time to please him, and he works so hard that I'm more than happy to do that for him.
I don't think that there is anything wrong with you. I've never had 4 kids, but we did have 3 in 3 years and there were times that I was just too tired to perform my wifely duties, my husband was very understanding. His understanding and patience with me was actually a huge turn on for me, so he would always end up getting what he needed! I hate to sound crass, but you don't have to be in the mood to use your mouth or hand to please your husband, and it only takes 5 minutes, and it makes his day! He sounds deserving!

1 mom found this helpful

My husband of 4 years has had ups and downs. We went a period of 6 months with no sex at all. But that was not b/c I didn't want it. He told me 'no' a few times so I stopped initiating. But that was a few years ago. We are less stressed now that we have fewer bills to pay (we are not paying rent anymore, we are in our home, saving us $1000 a month). So we are at 2-3 times a week. There are a lot of things that can affect your libido. Make sure your husband realizes it:
- the pill
- other drugs
- being too tired
- being stressed
- not feeling pretty
- having too much on your mind (stressed)
So no, if you have any of those factors I just mentioned, I think once a week is just fine. 4 kids is a handful to say the least. Plus cooking, cleaning, etc? But you may find yourself less stressed if you give your hubs 2 times a week and if you can get the "Big O" once in a while if not every time. To me, reaching the Big O makes me want more more more and makes me more likely to initiate and want more later.

1 mom found this helpful

if your only doing it once a week, then I can understand how your husband would feel. I have been married for 9 years and we have 2 kids and we go for it every other day (unless I'm on my period). Of course things come up and it's not always a perfect every other day, but for the most part, that's what we do. Now, if he is making you do it and feel guilty for not doing it daily, then he shouldn't be doing that. How can you get turned on when he is making you feel bad? I see both sides, but I think that maybe you could try for more than once a week and he could relax a little and be more understanding of how tired you can get with 4 kids

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if you dont get enough helpfull answers here, search previous posts. This is a very common issue for a lot of couples. Its been asked and answered 1,000 ways on here, so, I think you will be able to find a lot of help on the subject. The fact that it is a very common issue, should be comforting, at least. You are not alone and there is nothing wrong with you.

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He sounds like selfish, whiny, pouting, guilt-trip inducing guy when it comes to sex. You are not alone. Once or twice a week is all some couples have time for. Most men would take sex daily if they could get it. Women's sex drives work in a different way, and if you are tired, that dampens it alot. Does he address and satisfy YOUR sexual needs. If once a week is all you can muster, things need to change if he wants to help get you in the mood. Good communication, negotiation, compromise and clear expectations are a must here.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with you! It's hard finding the balance between mom and wife, and hormones play a huge part in how you are feeling and we all know pregnancy wreaks havoc with our hormones!

I would say that your husband is the abnormal one. Of course all people and couples are different, but in my experience a few times a week is average. For us it's been a lot less since I have a 4 month old and really have no interest in it lol, but it will get better. We just have to give ourselves time!

Since you feel like your husband only loves your you know what, you need to explain that to him. Maybe if he added some romance, showed a little TLC without expecting sex, you'd feel more like giving it to him!

Are you spending any one on one time together? If not, set a date night. Even if you only stay home and watch a movie, play a game or talk etc, just make sure you are spending some one on one time. Make it a rule that sex is NOT expected, but if things progress naturally so be it. Without the pressure you may feel more like it!

He should not put any pressure on you or make you feel bad about this. It sounds like he may have an overactive sex drive, and if it is really bothering him he may want to speak with his doctor. This should definitely not be disrupting your relationship and should not be driving him to make you feel bad. If we feel bad about ourselves, have any pent up frustration or anxiety we, as women, will not be in the mood.

What will help you through this is communication! Hang in there!

when we first got married - several times a week. but since my son was born 2 yrs ago ... its maybe once a week..depending on our schedules. When we 1st got together it was ME with the bigger sex drive but since my son ... its HIM... i rather just sleep most days...not because I find him unattractive but i'm just so exhausted.

I don't have a good answer since I am in the same boat. My husband does the exact same thing. And I do know that, to a man, sex is all things good. It gives him a boost in self confidence, relaxes him, and makes everything in his world right. Me? I'm tired (3 hour commute every day, work full time, etc, etc). I'll be checking back to see the responses from others, maybe they will have some enlightenment for us.

I have to say we have been together 2.5 years and have a 1 yr old and we have it about 4 times a week, but he works 7 days on 7days off. So he is gone a whole week. I have to say that being tired and stressed does not help your sex drive. He too is affected by how "full" his "tank" is...he tells me I need to "fill his tank" before he leaves so he can make it the whole week without me. My suggestion is give it a few more months. If you are still breastfeeding, your hormones are still nuts. If not at 6 months your body is just getting back to normal. Our daughter just turned 1 and I breastfed for 6 months, I am just starting to feel like I have a sex drive. It will come back. Plan a trip away where yall can "reconnect". It works.

You want what you want. There's nothing "wrong" with you.

I have this problem a lot. if I don't feel like it, a lot of times we'll make a deal. He'll give me a back massage, and then we have a quickie. That way we're both getting something we want. it can't always be amazing sex. Sometimes when I'm pregnant and not wanting it at all, I let him anyway and we just laugh at how non-romantic it is. Even though it's not movie sex, we still feel closer afterwards b/c we're spending time together, and we're both happier.

marriage is all about compromise. find something that will work for both of you.

3x w/kids, it's hard to find time w/an infant, but if he needs more you should make an effort, but I'd say get some counseling now to help both of you understand & compromise before he finds it elsewhere.