A Second Child?

I had a difficult pregnancy with my first following 5 years of infertility. It was high risk, required multiple hospital stays and ended in an emergency c-section. I was scared to have another baby but wanted my son to have a sibling. I bit the bullet and conceived another baby.

I found that my second pregnancy was much easier and seemed faster. I still ended up sick, hospitalized and had another early c-section but my babies were healthy and now I've very glad I did it. Having two is harder and life is much busier.

I love my little girl and so does my son. I couldn't imagine life without her. My son is better off for being an older brother.

I've only had one child also and am pondering when to have a second. But my pregnancy was healthy (ended in a emergency C-section, but still not the ordeal you went through.) As for staying home with one child, not once have I been criticized. Everyone has always said, good for you! That is hard to do! They have told my husband how lucky he is that I am willing to do it. It makes his life less stressful. He can focus on his work and there are no arguments about who will take care of the baby if he is sick. Enjoy the time at home. Like you said eventually she will be in school and then there will be plenty of time to work.

I think this is very personal. If you can subject yourself to what you went through before and want another that badly, do it. Not a good idea is my opinion, too risky. You will start all over again, and it will be harder financially.
Will it enchance her life, I don't believe it. You are happy, or not, and siblings don't mean happiness. I have 2 brothers, and would much rather have been an only child. I have done everything for my parents, they did nothing but get part of the inheritance. I don't know how people can be so unconsciable, but they can. I mention that because that seems to be a big thing for only children, but I have seen only one sibling rise to the occaision many times in my life.

Every pregnancy is like every child--they are all different. Three of my pregnancies were a breeze and one of my pregnancies was high risk. Just follow your heart. If you want another child go for it. If you are content with one child then be content. Don't listen to the voices of others. Listen to your own inner voice and you will have your answer.

M.,

I think every women goes through what you are going through right now. All the emotions and feelings tied into being a mother of a joyful little girl and wanting to expand and love another is all part of being a parent. I had my first baby at 23 years old. My husband was adamant that we weren't having another baby at all. When my oldest son was 6 I started having the same feelings as you. I too was conflicted about it not because of my husband because he's a softy and would've said yes to having a baby. But, I had a horrible pregnancy with my oldest son. I was sick everyday for 8 months, hospitalized twice, had an emergency c-section after pushing for hours because baby couldn't pass through the birth canal. Just things that I didn't physically want to experience again. But my feelings for having another baby got stronger and stronger until I talked with my husband. He stated that he was concerned about me going through sickness for so long and then having to have another bad delivery. I told him I would go through it again for my oldest so why wouldn't I want to do it again for a new baby. Even though I went through alot, I would do it all over again because my son has brought so much joy to my life. So we agreed we would try for another baby. It took me 3 weeks to the day we talked to conceive. From the time I found out I was pregnant I prepared myself for the worst - being sick again for 8 months, etc... It never happened. I never got sick, I felt good the entire pregnancy. It was an emergent C-section but not because I couldn't deliver because I lost my amniotic fluid. Since I had a c-section last time I was prepared for the 2nd one. Bottom line is that no 2 pregnancies, deliveries, or children are alike. Both of my boys bring me so much joy. I don't have the opportunity to be a SAHM but I race home everyday to be with both of them. From the time I'm home til I go back to work the next day - they are my priority and joy. So the question is - would you go through everything you went through with your daughter all over again if it meant having the same joy in your life? If so, why wouldn't you do it again for a new baby and new found joy. Good luck in your decision.

Hi M.,
My name is C. R. I started my family late - had my first child at 42. When he was 6 or 7 months old, I turned to my husband one day and said "you're gonna think I'm crazy, but I keep thinking of having another child!"...He was totally ok with whatever I decided. I agree with you, that it is so demanding, challenging and tough sometimes, but also so rewarding and fun. I also appreciate that it forces me to grow as a person. Anyway, we tried to get pregnant, but I believe God had a different plan. After a couple of years of trying, and my doctor telling me that using an egg donor was my only hope of conceiving, I just sort of "let go", and thought "I guess we're just supposed to have our one child." I really was ok with it (I thought)...until one night when I was watching a tv show that had a woman receiving a fed ex package with a picture of a little baby in it (the baby she would be adopting)...and I burst into tears and continued to sob for what seemed like an hour afterward. I realized then that I had not let my desire "go", and that I was meant to pursue having a second child...even if it meant adoption. Long story short, we did, in fact, adopt a baby girl from China. It's the same as with our first, challenging, wonderful, tough, and I would not change it for the world. My son and daughter are truly brother and sister, and I'm so incredibly grateful for my life and my family.

It's disturbing to read that others have judged you for your choice to be a SAHM! I could go on for another 2 pages about that! (and would be happy to continue this conversation privately, if you wish)... As far as the financial ramifications of staying at home, and then having another child go...there are ways to create more abundance in your finances and still stay home with the children. I have my home business which I love, and I'm able to be available for my kids, and earn some money and meet new people, etc. It's great. I encourage you to follow your heart.

Hi M. ~ I can hear your yearning heart in your post, and to me, that is your signal to have another child. For each woman this is a very personal decision, I can only tell you my experiences. And honestly, it would bore you to death :) But I have had 12 pregnancies; losing 6 children and having 6 children.

First of all, all pregnancies are different - The condition that caused you problems, is this something that was unique to that pregnancy or will it most likely happen again??? You may find that your next one is as easy as can be.

Secondly, I think we all "know" when are family is complete. And "complete" is a good word to use. Though I had many problems with my pregnancies, I always had that nagging feeling that there was someone still missing at the dinner table or playing on the floor. That is, until I became pregnant with my last child - At the very moment that I saw the 2 little pink lines on the preganancy test - I told my husband "This is the last one" and he agreed.

You never know what God has planned for you and your family, but just the mere fact that you are wrestling with this may mean that you don't feel "complete" yet.

And lastly, don't let anyone make you second guess your parenting decisions! Some women don't feel comfortable staying at home and some women do - You just do what is best for your family and don't worry about what others think. :) Some of the things people have said to me over the years about having 6 children have been so rude and thoughtless - And I hate it when women say to me "Why would you have 6, I can hardly handle my 2!" To me that says more about them than it does me :)

Good luck with your decision and btw, I am just down the road if you would ever like to meer for coffee. S.

Your situation seems ideal for baby #2. Odds are your pregnancy will be easier this time. It's great to have a sibling, too.

I really feel like there are no real 'signals' that you can look out for to hepl you to make any type of potentialy life changing decisions. There may be some 'signs' but in that case you really just have to discuss it with your husband and as I like to say, follow your heart but use your head to guide you. The thing that you should consider is that your biggest responsibility to your husband and daughter is being there for them both. It sounds like you have that mindset already. As you decide if it is time to begin to plan for another child (or anything else that pertains to your family and its future)does not always go as planned. I don't mean that in a negative way at all. Life is what happens while you are trying to plan for it.
If you are a Christian, you probably understand that putting your faith in God will help you. God wants us to cast all of our cares upon him, no matter how small and trivial we think they are.
If you already have one child from an unplanned pregnancy, who is to say that will not happen again-and I mean that in a positive way. I kind of relate trying to plan (or look for some signals that it is time to have)another child to planning your wedding before you meet that special person. For example you have maybe seen movies in which a woman makes all of these plans to meet Mr. Right, get married, buy a home, and start having children in a specific time frame. It just doesn't work that way.

Also regarding your being sick and having a bad pregnancy-I know exactly how miserable that must have been for you. I had to have a cerclage placed at 14 weeks, started having contractions at 17 weeks, and was on bed rest from 14 weeks to 36 weeks when I delivered our daughter. It is miserable, but it is a medical fact that every pregnancy is different. That does not necessarily mean that your future pregnancies will be the same or that they will be more like a walk in the park. All it means is that you may have a much better pregnancy if you did decide to try for another child.

I hope this helps you. Best of luck in the future!
-Rae Anne

I think it's wonderful that you are staying home with your daughter. It would be nice if people would mind their own business about things of this nature, since staying home to be a mom really isn't about finances (at least for any of the stay at home moms I know).

If you are in good health, meaning both emotionally and physically, and if you feel like you can stomach the idea of the things that might happen, then you are probably ready to have another child. You may want to set up an appointment with your ob and talk through what you might be getting yourself into. But ultimately this is going to be a decision you and your husband have to make together. I think it is great that you want your daughter to have a sibling. Kids need other kids around. If pregnancy is out, you may consider adopting too. Either way, I hope things will work out for you guys!

M. I'm so sorry that you have had criticism for staying at home. My Mom and others where so happy to hear that I was going to stay at home with my now 15yr old and 8 yr old. I encourage anyone to do the same it makes a difference. All I can tell you is that you know when you know and siblings are not what you dream them to be. Mine don't get a long. I hope you can make this decision with out thinking about others, and good luck.

After my son was born and had colic, I convinced myself that an only child would be just fine. My husband turned out great as an only child. I have since changed my mind and hope that God blesses us with another child. I stay at home with my son and it is a challenge but what a sweet reward also. For some reassurance of being a SAHM, read the book, In Praise of Stay-at-Home Moms by Dr Laura Schlessinger. It will remind you how blessed you are to be at home with your child.

Hi M.,

I read your post, and I have to say that I have been through exactly what you have. I am 33, a stay at home mom to a 3 yr old boy, and have been married almost 11 years. I wasn't sure if I wanted another child either. I debated about it over and over again. I was sure that by the time he was 2 that I would know, but 2 came and left, and I still didn't know what I wanted to do. I also had a difficult pregnancy...was sick every single day and had to have emergency surgery after a c-section and couldn't get out of bed by myself for at least 4 weeks. Needless to say, my husband had to step in and be the primary caregiver at the beginning. Anyway, I agonized over this decision for a long time. My husband wasn't too worried about it. I kept worrying about what other people thought, and everyday I was being asked by someone when was I having the next one. I would say that we weren't sure if we were or not, and I would get some ugly responses back. After having many heart to hearts with my friends and husband, we decided that having another child was not for us. Our life is going well right now, so why throw something in there we are not sure if we want or not? All of my friends that have kids have more than 1, and they told me many times it was a prersonal decision, who cares about everyone else? I finally adopted that perspective, and I figure if God wants us to have another one, we will whether it was in our plan or not. I do worry sometimes about him not having a sibling, but he has a lot of friends who we try to stay connected with. There have been plenty of only children, and mine will be just fine. Good luck with your decision, and do what is best for your family.

How does your husband feel about another child? If he feels the same way that you do - I would schedule a visit to your obgyn. Every pregnancy is different. You may or may not have the same complications with a second pregnancy and your doctor may be able to give you the answers that can help you decide whether or not the risks involved are too much. If another pregnancy is out of the question you could research what other options you might have. At 34 I would recommend doing your research ASAP.

If you are able to conceive - do you have family close by or a church home or MOPS group that could help with your daughter should you have complications and need help caring for her? Best of luck.

S.

Deciding to have another baby is so physically and emotionally personal that YOU have to be on board with the decision in addition to your husband and your critics. I can tell you it took me 5 years from the birth of my first to have a vision of a 2nd and I am SO glad that I did, but- I needed that time. Criticism will always be there no matter what you decide. The best thing you said is that your husband is wonderful. Perhaps begin to increase your support system (yes- stay at home moms need support!) and you will have a better perspective. You could have an awesome pregnancy this time, you never know! Best decisions are based on knowing why you are doing what you are doing and then…let the adventure begin! God bless you.

First of all, don't let anyone make you feel bad about spending the most important years of your child's life with her at home! Please. I think it's cool for someone to be willing to make sacrifices to stay home, and there's no such thing as with "just" one kid. That one child requires full-time work, no doubt!

I have two that are 16 months apart. We knew we wanted two children, and I wanted to have them while I was still relatively young. (I was 34 with my first and 36 with my second.) The whole difficult pregnancy thing is not something I had to deal with, but I can definitely understand it being a factor. Would you be on bedrest again for sure? Do you have help? If your little girl is in preschool or Mom's Day Out or something, that might be helpful.

I love having two. I love watching them start to play together. What's your oldest's personality like? My daughter likes to help, though she was a little young to really be a helper. Your daughter would be 4 or so probably, and might be a great helper if that's her personality.

I don't know what my signal was that we were ready for #2...I guess not wanting to get much older before we started trying. Now I feel very content with our two kids, and for me that is my signal that we're done. I think if you still have a real desire for another child, go for it! :)

Take care, and I hope the best road for you becomes very clear soon.

K.

I am a SAHM of two - fifteen months apart. My girls are now 6 and 5 years old. Here's my take on having one or two. First, think about if your family is ready for another child, not just the companionship for your first daughter, but are you and your husband ready,do you really both want another baby, financially can you do this, etc. Then if those questions answer favorably, go forward from there. For me personally, going from one child to two was easier than going from no children to one. Also, there are times when there is no way I can physically give both my girls the kind of one-on-one that is available to an only child. But my daughters give to each other a lot that I never could. We didn't plan on having two, I was actually scheduled to have a tubal (mostly because I was approaching my 40th birthday.) When I wound up pregnant, we decided to just continue with the pregnancy. It has been hard, but I am so glad that we have BOTH our children. If I had it to do over again, I definitely would have them both. As much for me as for them. For us one of the hardest aspects of raising children is that we have no outside support network. We live in an area far from family and have not really developed the kind of friendships with anyone that I would consider as a sitter. Plus my husband works very long hours so that I can be at home full time. Being home alone, pretty much 24/7 with two small kids can be rough. If you do decide to have another, give some thought about people that can help - grandparents, in-laws, close friends, etc.

Best of luck to you in whatever you decide!!

hey M.,
doestn' look like you really need any more responses, you've gotten so many good ones. I just wanted to echo the sentiment that one can be enough. I am a SAHM of one little daughter who just turned one and, although my husband and I always talked about having two (for company each for the other - we both are the oldest of 4) i have recently been thinking hard about whether or not having more children is necessary for our family to be complete, or for her to have a happy fulfilled childhood. I think not. IN our case, we have close cousins nearby and have made some great friends of parents with kids about the same age so even if we homeschool, she will still have plenty of kidlove around. I loved the post reply you got from the mama who ended up adopting her second child - kind of a wonderful solution to a tricky wondering...

just my 2 cents. you sound like a great mom.

i too was VERY sick with my first and was scared to death about another child. well while on birth control i got pregnant. everything was fine until 30 weeks when my bp shot way up. i was put on bed rest at the hospital for 3 weeks and was induced even with all of that the pregnancy was a breeze! i too am a stay at home mom. my sis in law is really the only one who has said anything about me staying home. but i dont see the need to work just so i can give my money to someone else to watch my kids. thats just stupid.my husband works and i stay home, my daughter goes to summer camp and went to head start this past year. my 2 year old goes to mothers day out 2 days a week for a few hours because i feel it is very important for children to be socialized with other children their age. anyway im ranting now but i hope this helped.

First of all, I want to commend you for being at home with your little girl, especially with all the sacrifices it entails. Don't let the criticism make you think twice. You're doing the most important thing you can do as a woman - being the one raising your child and nurturing her as God intended. Your decision to wait and return to work when she is older will be worth it!

About having a second child, I was in a similar situation a few years ago. My biological clock was running out. My daughter was 3 when my son was born. A lot does depend on your past pregnancy and the disposition and maturity of your first child. Fortunately, my daughter was a calmer and more independent child because my son was and still is, a needier child. It sounds like your daughter would be old enough to do some things by herself and even help you a teeny bit with a baby. Now, I can't speak for a very difficult pregnancy involving bedrest. I can't imagine how hard that would be for anybody, even if they had a school-aged child. Being a Christian, I would have to put it all in God's all-knowing, all-powerful hands and rely upon Him to get me through.

My husband and I are praying about having a third child and there are some concerns we have to address too. It's so hard when you have a desire in your heart, but the time and circumstances just doesn't seem right. I wish you the best as you seek direction. May the Lord guide you and help you make the best decision.

You didn't exactly ask for this, but I wanted to address the issue of pregnancy "morning" sickness. It sounds like you may have had hyperemesis gravidarum (http://www.helpHER.org); and if so, you may wish to take steps now to reduce your risk of getting it in the future, or building up your stores of knowledge so you can have a milder case next time. This blog (http://www.whiningpuker.blogspot.com/) is an excellent resource for HG research -- from a mom who had HG in her first pregnancy, and read voraciously prior to her second. The thing is, some HG remedies work for one woman, but not another; so there is bound to be some trial and error. This blogger is currently pregnant with her second baby and had HG the second time; worse than before at first -- BUT she had an "action plan" so went to an OB and got some Zofran for nausea, and has been able to control her nausea that way.

You said that your first pregnancy was high risk, needing surgery, but you don't say why. Was it cerclage to avoid a preterm birth? Is that likely to repeat itself this time?

Finally, there is also the option of adoption, if you want to give your daughter a sibling. I've known numerous families who have adopted some or all of their children; many adopted newborns or infants, some adopted older children. Then, you get a sibling for your daughter, the joy of more children, without the strain and hassle of pregnancy problems.

Proverbs 30:15-16 says that there are four things that are never satisfied , Fire, desert land longing for water, the grave, and the barren womb...please don't misunderstand me I don't want to come off preachy ...I think it's right and a deep longing for more children can be a devouring thing ( I know I feel the same way myself. you might find a site like quiverfull.com helpful...
Also I feel you should never be discouraged from staying home with your daughter, really what on earth could be more inportant than staying with your young child and shaping and molding their hearts and thoughts ??? a job ? a little money? how could that be more important to ourselfs than the bond between us and our flesh and blood? I sometimes think that those who have traded the important things in life for a career have fallen in a pit and just can't stand the blessings... we have they rather we have a 9-5 ,rush to meet deadline, bad boss, and bad morning commute, like themselfs...instead of the lesurly pace of the SAHM cuddled on the sofa enjoying a book with her child. I have two at home that I homeschool ( last year I had three) and I still get the same criticism ...But I have learned to just smile with the inner warmth my children give me...and let it pass ( this really burns 'em up) Well I must be off, terrible busy morning ...field tripping to the farmers market and the library ( it's so rough lol) I wish you all the luck with what is truly a life altering choice to make.

M.,

First of all, tell the people who are critical of you for staying home with one child to mind thier own darn business! The life you and your husband decide to lead has no reflection on anyone else! I have only one child and would love to be staying at home with her. Unfortunatley I have a disabled husband so I have no choice but to work!

You were high risk with your first one. Will you definitely be with a second pregnancy? Talk to your doctor about the risks, see what he/she has to say about it. Make sure you know all the facts before making a final decision. I tried for years to have children, had 12 pregnancies with only one live birth. I would love to give my daugther a sibling but God has other plans for me. If you have a special condition that will make you a high risk in your second pregnancy, do research on it. Talk about it with your husband and see what he thinks about it. It is a decision you both have to make. Your trigger is signaling you now, otherwise you wouldn't be asking the question. The question is, do you want to do it all over again. Ask more questions of your doctor, yourself and your husband. In that order.

I wish you all the best luck and I will pray that you make the right decision for YOU.

E.

Hi!
I am a new mom to the area with a 1 year old daughter and a second one on the way.

I had a very difficult time with my first pregnancy, I was sick at least 2x a day and actually lost 30lbs while pregnant. My daughter had to be delivered emergency c-section @ 34 weeks early due to the cord being wrapped around her neck 3x, lost amniotic fluid and she had stopped growing.

She was delivered at 3 pounds and 6 oz., and is very healthy and the light of my life now. She had to stay in the hospital for 18 days and the day she came home I went in to the ER for acute gallbladder pancreatitis! Due to numerous other complications from there, I was in the hospital for 4 weeks.

So yes when I found out I was pregnant again ( while using 2 types of contraception) I was surprised! And very worried. Ultimately your doctor will let you know with regards to health risks, capability, etc.

But I wouldn't trade anything for this bond, with my wonderful husband and daughter expecting new life. The look on her face when she sees him touching my belly and waiting for that expectant little one! I don't think we're ever really ready for what life gives us, even when we're sure we want it.

It sounds like you do! See what your doctor and husband think. Yes it's difficult, but I think we've been able to do it because we have a great team :)

On the whole SAHM thing, I've had a lot of issues with because I always worked full-time so it was a bit of an adjustment. Ultimately it's nobody else s' business how you raise your child, it's between your family and your conscience. You want to be home with her. My mom wanted to be home with us too and got a lot of flack for it, because of the sacrifices it requires. But like she told her sister-in-laws.."I don't ask you to pay my bills, feed or clothe my children. I don't even ask you to babysit. I haven't asked for your advice and certainly not your opinion."

My daughter is healthy and I see to her socializing through area activities and other opportunities. I don't apologize for doing what I consider to be important and neither should you.

Thanks to what mom said, no one really gives me any trouble :) Good luck to you, it sounds like you have a wonderful family :)

Hi M.
I wanted to respond back to you - I wanted you to know that I have the same feelings about having a second. Our son (now 2) was planned and the pregnancy, infancy, and up till now things are great. The question my husband and I are asking ourselves is - do we want to do this again? I'm leaning towards yes and, like you, I really don't want him to be an only child. My husband though feels indifferent - he would still be happy with one child. We have a great relationship between all 3 of us. One event that was different for us - we had a miscarriage last year (pregnancy unexpected) and we had such a horrible ordeal with that - not only the miscarriage and the physical and emotional effects from that, but I also had surgery complications. This is scary for me. I just don't want to feel so cautious and worried throughout another pregnancy.
It's hard to offer any advice, but I wanted to share with you my feelings. Just know, you're not the only one who has doubts.
As far as feeling the criticism about staying at home - just brush those people off. I work FT and my son goes to daycare - this was our family's choice. Remember - what matters is what you and your husband feel about your situation. I believe there will be critics no matter what choice a mother would make - stay home with your child or work. It's all about what you believe is best for your family. Don't doubt your beliefs. You also shouldn't feel like you need to defend yourself and your beliefs.
Good luck with your decision whether or not to have a second little one. Feel free to email me if you want to chat.

Best,
P.

I think your health concerns carry the most weight in your decision. If you were a full-time working mom you would also get criticism for not being at home with your child. You can't please everybody so please yourself and your husband. You should do what you think best for your family. I'm a mother of three and stayed home until they were in school which was difficult, rewarding, and I wouldn't have traded it for anything. I'm on the side of more kids, but your health concerns should be addressed with your doctor to determine your risk, and then you can decide. Not knowing your personal health history, I do think you aren't too old to wait a year or two for another baby and then your toddler will be older and more manageable.

M.,
first - NO ONE should make you feel bad about your choice to stay at home whether you have 1 child or 10 children. You have had a career, and there will be plenty of time to continue or change careers once your child is older.

Second, the decision to have a second child is one that should be made by you and your husband alone. Pray together about the decision and since your first pregnancy was high risk, you may want to speak to your doctor as well.

I don't know that I was ever "ready" for any of our 3 kids (now 8.6 &3), but once they arrived - I was.

God Bless as you and your husband make the choices that are best for your family.

T.

Hi M..
What you are feeling is completely ok and normal. I went through the same thing. We were married 8 years before having our first daughter and were terrified when we decided to have her. I worked full time and had just graduated college. I always thought that I would go back to work when she was born. Not! She changed my whole life. I felt things I never dreamed I could feel. I stayed home with her for a while and then worked part-time. Then my friend whom was an only child kept bugging us to have another, that being alone for her, was no fun and she always wished her parents had had another. Eventually my hubby caved and we tried and tried for another to no avail. Then one day, realized we were pregnant. Talk about scared!!! All that time we thought one was enough and then came Elaina. Again, my whole life changed. She was born a very sick little girl (multiple heart, kidney and bladder defects). Financially we were struggling and kids will do that to you, but they are so worth it. Budgeting and living within your means is critical. It can be done, couponing, bargain hunting, Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace is good to do too. I too was very very sick (not as sick as you) but I had my apendix out with my first daughter and had morning sickness everyday morning and night. Worth it all. Feeling that baby move and seeing her was worth every trip to the toilet. There are all kinds of natural things you can do to prepare your body for a baby too that may help. Let me know if you would like to know more.
My best to you.
W. from Indiana

I agree with a lot of what everyone else is saying. To those who are criticizing you for staying home because you only have one child, I would simply look at them and say (with a smile), "I enjoy being there for all my daughters' first's and getting close to her and her to me; I'm sorry you weren't able to do that and missed out on all of those things". That may shut them up. I was a career person and worked 70 hours a week and loved it. When I found out pregnant and had my daughter, the most important thing to me, and it wasn't a 2nd thought, was to be home with her. I, thankfully, found work that I could do from home so that I was able to still help my family monetarily and spend more time with my daughter than I would have had I had to take her to daycare everyday.

As for having another child. That is something you and your husband have to discuss and weigh everything out. As for your pregnancy, talk to your doctor. Most pregnancies are different from child to child (so I've been told); however, you might have similar circumstances.

Good luck with your choice. I'm sure it will be the right one!

You do what feels right, in your heart! Who cares what people say... your finances are your own business and if you want to make sacrifices for the sake of YOUR child, it is YOUR business.

I am 46 years old. I had my first baby at 43 and she is a miracle to me. I had given up hoping... Now I am pregnant with my second baby and my husband and I are THRILLED! Our daughter will have a little brother!

My parents were VERY negative and told me I was too old to have a child, that something would be "wrong" with her, but they were wrong. She is healthy, happy and very smart and she is the best thing I ever did! My baby coming in the fall is also healthy. It is hard financially. It is; but you can make it if you put your mind to it. We have. And I am SAHM too. And I feel it is the right thing to do for the welfare of my children.

Do what you feel is right and the rest of the world can either get on board or get "outta town". Pray, talk it over with your husband and make your own decision.

I can tell you it is SOOOOOOOO worth it!

Best regards to you, L.

First I would ask those people that criticize you for staying at home with 'only one child'.....are you to have 3 all at once??? You have to have one FIRST and then as time passes, if you choose, you have more. I am a stay at home mom and I was home with my son for 2 1/2 yrs before having our daughter. What in the world are they critizing you about? That sounds odd.

Next, I agree with having a sibling, it is amazing to see how my children play together and love each other. It gives me time too b/c they occupy each other. As they get older they will have each other too. My grandmother was an only child and in her older years she is sad that she has no family left after her parents passed. No chance of cousins for her kids, etc

I would not worry so much about your previous pregnancy. All pregnancies are differnt. I was sick with my first and REALLY sick with my second. I bet your are thinking that it was all worth it though??? You do forget and it is worth it. A 3 yr old is self sufficient enough to be ok if you need to lay on the couch and rest...or on bed rest. My son would sit on the floor in front of me at 2 yrs old and play while I rested. She can watch movies, play with toys, etc all while you are there, you can be lazy if necessary! Worst case maybe family or friends can help clean your house if you can't do that. You will be ok with your daughter b/c by the time you are pregnany and almost due, she will be 4 which is even more self sufficient. I say go for it! It is REALLY worth it!

If you staying at home works for you and your husband, then that's all that matters. I stay at home, my husband works and right now we only have one kid. (i'm expecting another) We decided a long time ago that when kids entered the picture that I would stay home. I too taught school and decided that it was very important for me to be home with my kids. I wouldn't have made enough to cover the child care anyways. You stick with what works for you guys-ignore the rude comments from everyone else. As far as another child....It's hard to say...only you really know if you really want one. I've always wanted more then one. It is a scary thought to have a toddler and a newborn at the same time, but they don't stay like that forever. Kids are a blessing...when my son was born it was so scary being a parent (he wasn't planned), but I couldn't picture my life without him. He's my pride and joy. My next child will be the same way. It will be tough raising two, but oh the joy that will come-just like it did with the first one. I think you really want a second one...don't not have a second because you fear how hard it will be-those trials wont last long. I mean, haven't the years flown by already? :o) Good Luck.

M.,
Do not let anyone tell you what you should or should not do involving your decision to have another child. Instead, maybe look at some points they make and determine if they really apply to your situation. And if you feel like you are having to talk yourself into something, it is probably not right for you.
One thing that I did not read in any of the other posts (although I just scanned them) is whether or not your daughter is just fine with how things are or if she really seems to want a constant playmate. It is easy to say that we wanted something as a child but that yearning may not always apply to the children we have.
Just to give you a little background on my situation, I come from a family of three children. I am currently pregnant with my second child (both planned) and we plan to stop at two. However, I personally think that some families and couples work better with just one child and it really upsets me to hear someone tell them that they are taking something away from their child or themselves if they don't have more. Just because it might be right for them does not mean it is right for you.
Sorry to go on and on but to make my point one more time, please only look at the points people make and do not look to their opinions for your situation. It is your decision, not theirs.
Betsy

As long as you and your husband are in agreement to you staying home and taking care of your child I wouldn't worry about what anybody says. Sorry that part hit a nerve, noone has a right to tell you, you are wrong for taking care of your family. I am a stay at home mom also I have a 13 yr old, 9 yr old and a 21 month old and 1 more on the way and love every minute of it. So enjoy this time with your little one cause they grow up fast, and ignore anyone who says otherwise. Didn't mean to put my two cents worth in on that but I felt I needed to.

As far as another baby each pregnancy is different, so if you do decide to have another baby things could be so different for you. If you and your husband agree its time then maybe you should talk with your obgyn and see if they can reassure you that things would be ok or just check and make sure things would be ok for you to have another baby. I wish you lots of luck with your decision and I hope things go the way you want them to.

Wow this post sounds so much like my situation right now that it's eerie. I also had a very difficult pregnancy with my daughter, who is now two, and I also get criticism from people for only having one child and staying at home. One person even told me I'm not a "real parent" unless I have at least two. I would love those people to see me up at 2 AM with a sick child or sitting with her while she hangs out on the potty for hours at a time! : ) You are a wonderful mom I'm sure and your daughter is lucky to have you home with her. Every mom has to make that choice, and both choices come with pros and cons. Don't let anyone ever make you feel bad about it! Working moms and stay at home moms should both support each other!!

I'm also struggling with whether or not to have a second. I didn't plan the first and was not happy about it until she was born and now I'm not sure how I ever lived without her. But, I'm 50/50 on the subject. Half of me would love to have another child to love and watch grow, but half of me is selfish and doesn't want to go through another difficlut pregnancy or birth (my daughter was in NICU for a week and very sick but luckily healthy now). At any rate, another accident wouldn't be the end of the world but I can't see myself trying for another right now, even though I'm also getting close to "the age". I think it just happens when it feels right, and if that time isn't now it's okay. Having only one child doesn't make you less of a parent! I love that we only have one right now because she's two so we can go and do whatever we want and not have to plan around a newborn. But, like I said, I do want another at some point! Either way, your feelings are normal and you shouldn't question them. No matter what you choose, if it's right for you and your family it's the right decision. Good luck!

Hi M. ~ In deciding to have a 2nd child, please do not dwell on the past or future. If it is truly your hearts desire to have another child; just go for it! Your 2nd pregnancy may be your best! If it is like your 1st, just trust & believe that you will get through it as well. However, I don't believe it will be. Be brave & just go for it! You will never know unless you try. Live in the present ~ the right now; not the past or future. If you feel strongly about being a SAHM & you are enjoying it.....that is all that matters. If you go through life wondering or worrying about what others think or say; you will never be fullfilled. I am not a SAHM; yet, but probably will be (of 2 boys~ 9yrs & 7mos) if my job lays us off next year. If that happens, I plan to be content & fullfilled as a SAHM. I am going to enjoy every minute of it plus take a couple of online courses. This is about you & your family & is, frankly, no one else's business whether you are a SAHM for 1, 2 or 10 children! People will always have something to say no matter what you do & that is why you must live for yourself; not others!! Enjoy your life & your time with your daughter as a SAHM and go try to have your 2nd child! My 3rd pregnancy was the best pregnancy of the three (I also have a 20yr old daughter ~My Princess~ in college; from a previous relationship). Peace & Blessings to you & your family!

Don't worry about the criticism. I'm on the other end of the spectrum. Most of my friends don't work full time and I do. One friend just went back full time and her son his 20 months. I sometimes feel like I'm the "bad mom" since I don't sacrifice enough financial like other moms.

What is important is to do what is right for your family. My daughter loves being at daycare. She hugs her teachers when she gets there and does all kinds of activities I would never have thought to do with a one year at home.

As for a second, if you want one and your husband agrees, go for it!!! 35 is nothing. My sister in law just got pregnant with her 4th and she will be 40 next year.

I don't know what your belief system is, but coming from a Christian viewpoint, your child was planned before the foundations of the world and so is the next one if He has a plan for him/her. My daughter was definitely ordered of the Lord and I went through the bedrest thing and fought all kinds of attacks from the enemy to snuff her out because of the prophetic word spoken concerning her destiny. Thousands will come to know the Lord as a result of her coming into the world and she is an only child. I too, chose to stay home so I could be there through all the milestones of her childhood and allowed her father to stay home with her as well while I worked from home in "one of those things" people turn their nose up at, Direct Sales for a Liquid Nutritional Supplement. I wouldn't have it any other way! When my doctor asked me what we were going to use for birth control, I said, "Nothing, I'd have another one right now!" ;-) But we are probably not going to have another one due to my age now...however, there are zillions of children who need someone to love them and care for them, or maybe their parents died of AIDS and they need someone. That's my vision but whatever the desire of your heart is, He will give it to you and HE is the one who opens and closes the womb anyway so who cares what anyone else thinks of your choice? I support you in whatever you decide to do, I just encourage you to trust God and focus on pleasing Him, living with a clear conscience toward Him, and everything else will take care of itself. ;-) My email is ____@____.com if you would like to contact me personally. I have a gift of intercession and will pray with you concerning this or anything else you need if you like. Take care.

Just as you have found that while you didn't plan your daughter, you are ever so happy to have her, and I'm sure can't imagine life without her. It would be the same with a second child. However, you do have to take your health into consideration. It could be a deal breaker, but if you are up for it, modern medicine is amazing. Your daughter is old enough, especially by the time that you would be pregnant and having a second child, that it's not like she needs round the clock attention. She should be able to play on her own quite a bit. I'm sure you would never regret having another child, but you might regret not having one.

My mother-in-law was an only child, and always felt like she missed out on a lot in life. My three-year-old relies on his older brother, and now our newborn, for a lot of his entertainment and interaction.

As far as people giving you a hard time for staying home to raise your child, instead of dumping her off at a "day orphanage", I would find better people to associate with, who have similar values to your own. How dare they suggest that there is something wrong with you doing what you are doing? I'm sure they would be put off if you told them they were wrong to not raise their own children.

In my cul-de-sac are two Navy physicians. One is a man, and his wife stays at home with their two small children. One is a woman who just had a baby, and her husband quit his job as a school teacher to stay home and raise their baby. I stay home with my now three children. We all see the value in what we do, and I've never been criticized for staying home. There is nothing more important in life than our families. I don't want my headstone to say "a good employee", or anything along those lines. To get all the support you could possibly want in this arena, you might start listening to Dr. Laura on the radio. She is the biggest advocate of SAHMs that I know.

I think one great child deserves another, and I know how lost I would have been without siblings growing up. That said, you do have to consider the health risk factors. But, your next one could be a breeze. My oldest brother was a breach, 9 pound baby. Almost killed my Mom.. Doctor advised her to not have any more children. I'm the 4th, thank God!!!! You have to do what you feel right with, and dont worry what others say. Good luck and God bless!