A Mother's "Job"

I am not only a Mother, though, that is my most important and identifying role. I am a multifaceted, complex, imperfect, beautiful, individual, who is fulfilling many roles at once. All facets are important.

My duty is to keep my children healthy, and meet their basic needs (food, warmth, shelter, water, health, education (formal and otherwise), etc.) Some days, I do an excellent job. Other days, the laundry goes unfolded, the floor does not get swept, dinner is mac and cheese with peas, I read only one book to them, and they watch too much TV. I'm (trying to be) alright with that.

Most importantly, I need them to KNOW and FEEL loved; to have a solid foundation of love/self love.

When my girl children are adults, I want them to know themselves as full people. I can lead by example.

I want to be a Mother/woman, who is a strong, and always growing. I want them to know that they can be strong, well rounded, always growing women too. I want them to Love life. I want them to have compassion, empathy and passion. I want them to be deeply honest, self aware, and wise.

Leading by example sometimes looks like me taking them to the forest and the beach. We poke at dead things, roar into the wind, climb trees, get muddy, chase the dog, pick flowers for fairies, find treasures, and soak up the elements.

Sometimes that looks like me letting them work it out themselves, while I write, or draw, or play music.

Sometimes that looks like a dance party, or baking cookies, or practicing our alphabet.

Sometimes it looks like me closing a door and taking a bath.

Sometimes that looks like me setting up play dates, having their kid friends (my surrogate nieces) over for slumber parties, going to a museum, taking a walk to the park, etc.

Sometimes it looks like me going to a girlfriend's house without them (they stay home with my husband, or with a different girlfriend through trades, or with their Nana).

Right now, it looks like me being a SAHM (because I WANT to). Eventually, when it's the right time (for me), it will look like me going back to school and then having a career.

Sometimes it looks like me messing up (and then, hopefully, owning it).

Sometimes it looks like me ignoring their wants ("mama, mama, mama, mama, I want the bubbles...she TOOK the bubbles from ME!!") so that I can show up for a friend/myself/my family/my husband or complete a task.

Sometimes it looks like doing the bare minimum around the house so that I/we can spend our time doing other things.

Sometimes it looks really sloppy. Because it is. I want them to know that they don't have to be perfect in order to be amazing, strong, dynamic women. Really, I want that for myself too. We don't have to feel guilty for being human/imperfect/not-able-to-do-it-all-just-right-at-the-same-time. We need to do the best we can. And if we're doing that, IMHO, we're doing beautifully. I suggest you tend to the parts of you that are getting ignored. You deserve that, and so do they. Don't feel guilty for being a Mother and some.

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I remember feeling like that when I stayed home too. I still sometimes feel like that but not as often. I used to guilt myself because I didn't read to my kids one night, or if I didn't teach my little one her ABCs one day... I guess maybe I felt like if I didn't stimulate enough brain cells that day, she would get one less 'A' in college. LOL!

I think in this society being a Mom is competitive, which is annoying. Lots of Moms want to act like supermom even though we're all just doing what we can do. Lots of Moms want to act like they are superior because they feed their kid organic food, or because they pay $2000/month to put their two-year-old in college prep courses. Ridiculous. Kids just want to have fun, and we just need to do what we can do and stop guilting ourselves.

You sound like a wonderful Momma. You are teaching your kids how to be resourceful, independent, and fun-loving. Give yourself a break. But if you feel that it's the free time that's causing your mind to wander, maybe volunteer for a few hours a week?

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You could have another baby.... my 3rd definitely has taken any and all free time I had. OR you can workout and get super duper HOT! ;)

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I suggest this is a normal response to having built a life that now doesn't have enough challenges. This can be depression but it doesn't have to be. I would suggest picking something else to do that is challenging and perhaps drop something that has become a bit boring. I suggest that the reason you think having another baby would help is because you'd once more be challenged.

Because I've had difficulty with depression all my life I would suspect I was depressed and make an appointment with a counselor that I see from time to time. I usually go on an anti-depressant for awhile. I also find something new in which to be interested in.

Sounds like you're doing well. You are teaching your children to explore and be independent. You are spending time with them. You're doing the chores a family requires. That's good but it does mean they need you less. I can't think of anything else you should be doing. Their childhood is slipping away. That is a reason to feel sad.

I often feel like I'm not doing enough for/with my grandchildren and realize that most of that feeling comes from feeling that I've missed some of their lives. It's sometime difficult for me to remember that I'm not supposed to always be involved. Is it possible that you're feeling something similar in that at some level you think you should always be involved and have more influence. In reality a mother, although much more involved than a grandparent, still doesn't have total control of who their children become. Children need space to grow on their own as well as guidance from their parents.

One way going to a counselor helps me is that by telling him about what is happening with me, I realize how much I have done and leave his office feeling more successful. He's good at giving me positive feedback as well as giving suggestions to help smooth over the rough spots.

You are fulfilling the duties I would/did expect from myself.

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You haven't mentioned your spiritual duties, if you have any. I consider it a MAJOR job of mine to keep my relationship with God in good shape and to pray for the people in my life. Interceding for my children is important because this world is a dangerous place to navigate. There have been times when they have called me to tell me that my prayers worked when they almost were hit by crazies on the road. My grandson nearly died at birth due to mistakes by the nurses and the doctor not being present. I feel confident in my Lord's protection of my family and it's not because I deserve that protection more than anyone else. But knowing God's word enough to know how to call on his help is something I take seriously.

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I don't think you're missing anything, I think you're a good mama who is able to handle what's thrown at her. :) Maybe you could try taking the kids out of the house, to the park, zoo, a museum or something to fill the time? Maybe pick up a hobby. Take an online class or something. I picked up a guitar, and I love to play around in the kitchen. The good thing is, your free time is yours...you go girl!

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hmm when i read that i thought, take lots of picts and drag the photo albums out so you can see how much they have grown and all you have done to provide them with fun.

Probably and new hobby/volunteer service would help.

I really don't see how having more children will solve this problem. at most it would put it off for a while and when that one is all grown you'll feel the same and maybe worse.

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Do you exercise? Could it be that you don't feel like you are expanding your horizons anymore?

I felt like that and started belly dance. It helped a lot because I was learning something new. Netflix has several videos that are good starter.

1 mom found this helpful

This question hits home, though the details are different. Before I had kids, I taught and volunteered with kids. I babysat kids for free because I loved kids so much. I can play for 40 minutes and then I have to take a break.
I find board games to be so boring so my husband does them. I have learned to fake it for my child's sake because I despise Polly Pockets. I do love crafts and have taught her more art than a high school student gets.
I also do outdoors things with her, but she has to entertain herself and that is a good thing.

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You do not sound lazy to me at all! But I think what you are really feeling is a lack of definition. Even though it appears you have hobbies you still are lacking feeling fulfilled. Please don't rush into having another baby to fill that void, because another baby is not necessarily what is best for your family, although I see and know lots of women that do that. I think you desperately need some you time...take a class, join a book club, volunteer....do some soul searching! I wish you luck = )

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One thing missing from your description of your day is meaningful interaction with other adults. I think, if we look back at what life was like for women in other eras who were at home raising children, that they had far more connection with extended family, friends and neighbors.

I am not an extremely social person, but I was lonely the first year after my son was born. I joined a few mom and tot classes, and that helped some. Our town had a cooperative indoor park, and joining that really helped me find my community. Still, there were feelings of needing something more. When my youngest was nearly 4, I was offered an opportunity to work part time in a non-profit field, doing something I considered important and meaningful. The work was very much part-time, and the pay was minimal. Still, it gave me the opportunity to be engaged and contributing to society in a different way from my work as a SAHM. I did about half of my work from home, and my away from home work was limited to evenings and weekends, when my husband could be there with our children.

I encourage you to think about the things that give you a sense of satisfaction and connection, and explore opportunities to do more of them. The routine and sameness of being a SAHM can lead to feeling that time is just slipping by. Doing something else that you find meaningful can make a world of difference, for you, for your family, and possibly for the rest of the world.

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I feel like that some days. For me, it's shock of how fast kids grow. Everyone says time slips away or they grow so fast, but when you see it and realize it yourself it is a huge shock factor. Those shoulda woulda coulda start racing around in your head. I go to school, cook dinner, I basically live at the park down the street lol, I watch a movie with her before bedtime, I read to her, I try to do stuff with her anytime I have free time and then when she naps or goes night night I do what the chores and stuff that I have to do (except vacuuming lol) or get on the computer... but you still always wonder, could I have done more? If it's not that, then look at yourself... when I started getting ancy I read some new books and started goin to the gym and felt really good about myself.

I totally agree with Marda P, add some challenges to your life. Go try zumba or learn a language or bike ride or do a mommy and me class.

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I think that you are buying into the cultural phenomenon of looking down on women that stay home and raise their children. You feel bad about yourself because society has told you that in order to be a productive member you have to work and earn. They have also told you that staying home with your kids makes you a loser who doesn't care enough about herself and who is lazy. Because of all this you are not fully enjoying your time with your precious children. I do think you would really benefit from seeing a therapist who will help you to feel good about your decision and to also determine how much depression and anxiety are causing these feelings.

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M.,

I think it's WONDERFUL that you're able to do fun crafts and make money - I am jealous!! I think as a mom we all feel that we should do more for our kids and have the guilt factor when we do something for ourselves. We actually need a little time for ourselves so that we can be better mom's. It doesn't sound like you're being lazy at all to me - quite the opposite in fact. If you're feeling anxious I would encourage you to talk to someone about it. That's a very real emotion and sometimes, the feeling is out of our control (speaking from experience) and it takes a professional to help. Keep doing what you're doing and enjoy the success of being first a mom and then a wife and woman who is crafty. You're setting a great example for your kids!

Sound like you need to plan your day so that you can feel fulfilled in what you do, get a chance to see what you have done, and find ways to fill in the gaps of what needs to be done.

For some people, fulfillment comes in just being home, taking care of their children, knowing that they are there for them if they need them, being candy land mom and nothing more. Others have to work outside, part or full time to get a sense of fulfillment.

With that said, plan your day so that everything you do has a purpose, a goal, including the time you spend teaching, preparing, playing and mentoring your kids for THEIR future when you are not able or around to do so.

If that still doesn't make you feel satisfied being a SAHM, then you might need some other forms of stimulation or activity for you and your kids.

Best of luck.

I doubt you're being lazy. It sounds more like you're feeling some kind of calling and haven't figured what it is yet. No one can tell you what you're "supposed" to be doing. Only you can find the right balance for yourself.

However, check out radicalhomemakers.com for ideas and discussion. You might find something that resonates with you.

Like others have said, you don't sound lazy to me! I'm a SAHM to 3, & wouldn't give it up for the world. My hubby works out of town 5 days/week, so it's all me taking care of stuff on our ranch. I keep busy playing online (obviously), I recently started a blog of our ranch-life, I homeschool our kids, and make all our food from scratch. I have goats and cows that I milk and chickens for meat and eggs. They are my 'hobbies'. I also garden (great learning for the kiddos) and raise bees. I read a ton, too. Oh yeah, I clean the house when it gets unbearable, lol.

You are 'supposed' to be loving your children and letting them enjoy a great childhood, anything else is a bonus!

Maybe you should learn something new - take a class about something interesting you have always wanted to learn about or attend a lecture series. Or maybe you are like me and enjoy having a career of some kind as well. I am a SAHM too but when both kids are in school I plan to work half time again while they are at school. It sounds to me like you are a great mom and are doing just fine with raising your kids...but I know the feeling you are talking about. I enjoy art and creating things and selling them as well. I sign up for art fairs (3 a year) and also try to sell in local galleries. It keeps me motivated and gives me a goal!

Take the older child to gymnastics or dance class. SIng with them and help them to carry a turne. That will help them with language skills and music.
Children's plays and other gatherings are good to take them to.

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Take the older child to gymnastics or dance class. SIng with them and help them to carry a turne. That will help them with language skills and music.
Children's plays and other gatherings are good to take them to.

Well, since all my time is spent taking care of the kids and the house and some endless administrative issues for my husband who is never home (these are my duties because they have to be done, no one else can do them and we can't pay anyone), I rarley get to the things that are VERY IMPORTANT to me, like painting, writing, music, photography, sewing, blah blah, month after month, my studio has barely been worked in and paintings lie around unfinished which is sooooo frustrating, since one of my life goals while taking "time off" from working full time to have kids, was to spend more time painting. Yeah, like that happened. I was even going to try to paint the kids at each stage of development at least once as they grew-and here they are, 5, 3 and 2 UNPAINTED. Except for one portrait I did of my oldest when she was 2.

PLUS, I feel like even though I do everything with my kids most of the time, I should be doing MORE things with them and like the time is slipping by while I do so much housework and other drudgery that no one else is here to do, when I could be doing more and better things with them while they're young and want my company.

So. I don't know, sounds like you have a void and you don't know what to fill it with. Meaning you may not have one. Because you could always do MORE crafts and expand your store, teach more students, go to work part time, whatever, but you don't know what to fill the void with.

So I say, focus on the things you have that you like best, and maybe expand upon those. There is always lots to do with kids besides play Candyland. Or think of something new to add. If you don't want to add anything else, you're not lazy, you're already doing more than lots of people!