A Mom Making a Hard Decision

A., I have no idea what you must be going through, and I'm sorry that you had to endure so much. No one should have to experience what you experienced.

This is my honest opinion. You chose to give birth to that child. No matter how she got here, she did not ask to be born. It's not fair to her to project your anger at your rapist onto your daughter. If you continue to abandon her, how would that make her feel? Even if your parents love her to pieces and they are good to her, your mother is NOT her mother. If she knows you are her real mom and you reject her, she will be scarred by that for the rest of her life. No one wants to feel like they weren't good enough for their own mom to love them.

My suggestion is that you get some counseling because there are ways to learn how to separate your beautiful child from that horrible man in your mind. It may be best for her to continue to live with your mom and dad right now. But--and I say this with no intention to hurt you--a child is a blank slate. Their whole lives are shaped by how the people closest to them choose to write on that slate. You do NOT have the right to put a big red X on her slate. She is your daughter. She is nothing of him and EVERYTHING that is good about you. You say it's for her best interest to leave her behind and move away, but it seems like that is what's easiest for you.

You can take my advice with a grain of salt because we don't know each other. But I honestly feel from your post that the man who raped you still has some power over you. You seem like a caring person from the amount of thought you have put into this. You're not weak and you can learn to love your daughter if you choose to work on it. Even if she NEVER lives with you, she should never think her own mother hates her and doesn't want her around. Yeah she reminds you of something painful. But that's HIS fault, not hers.

Good luck to you and I wish you the best whatever you decide.

...LF

2 moms found this helpful

I think you are making a very hard decision and applaud you for asking for help.

I have a friend who was the child in a situation like yours. He grew up knowing he had been adopted, but found out when he was 12 that his 'aunt' was really his birth mother. He rejected his grandparents/adoptive parents due to their lie and went to live with his birth mother. He now has a very strained relationship with all three.

How involved are you in her life now? Would you moving away upset her, would she miss you? Are you planning on telling her you are her birth mother at any point in her life? She may harbor resentment toward her little brother thinking he grew up better than her in a land far far away. No matter how nice an upbringing any child has they always day dream that someone else's is better.

I think you letting your parents adopt her is a good decision. It sounds as if have thought this through and are making the best decision for her and your family.

Hi A.,
I believe either way is going to ultimately have its consequences. Staying completely out of her life will then cause her to ask questions as she gets older, especially if she knows you are her biological mother. Like, why didn't you keep her but kept the other baby? You know and understand the answer to that question but she will not, no matter how you explain it. However, if you stay and have a part in her life even after the adoption there will still be questions and maybe even some resentment. With there another child in the picture makes it all the more difficult because what she is not going to understand is why she is not living with you! My oldest sister was raised by our grand-mother because my g-ma did not think my mother could raise her at 17 years old so she took her away from mother. Although, a year and a half later I was born but it was okay for her to keep me. My sister started asking questions as the years went by and even now at 37 years old she still doesn't understand why! But guess who she blames? Our mother of course! It was totally our moms fault but she had her part in it because she could've fought for her harder than what she say she did. The only advise I can give is to think about it some more and pray and God for some divine instruction. I do not know what religion you are or anything but I apologize if anything I say offends you. Prayer really does change situations. It also sounds like you and your parents need to begin some reconciliation as well. Trust me, if you and your parents put God 1st and begin the reconciliation process things will turn around. Your daughter may need to go through some counseling because either decision you make she will have to live it just as you will. I hope something I said helps and if you need an ear I am here for you. I wish you the best!

Hi A.,

I'm sure this is a very difficult situation for you, but your child is an innocent human being who deserves the best life can offer, since she’s not responsible for her father’s horrible actions.

In my personal opinion, your daughter should definitely be adopted and raised by your parents, as she has since birth and its all she really knows, and they should be the ones making any decision in regards to her, since they are the parents with the responsibility of raising her. That should avoid any problems and you really don't have to interfere in anything.

In regards to you, I believe you can be involved in her life like any relative or good friend of the family would be, going to birthdays and special events in her life, so that when the time comes and she wants to know why she’s not with you, you can just tell her that you were very young when you had her and you believed it was in her best interest to be raised by her grandparents, who had all the love, time and recourses to care for her at the time; and that after a while it would’ve just been cruel to separate her from them.

Completely separating yourself from her can cause problems in her self esteem and future relationships by believing that if her own mother didn’t care for her, who could?

I wish you the best on whatever decision you make, as it will define the lives of many people, including your second daughter.

Dione

First of all, I am very sorry you were raped. I am a mom of an adopted daughter(3 yrs. old) and soon mom of her biological brother (17 mos. old). We will be going to the Philippines to get her brother and are hoping to meet and spend time with the birth mother because I think their connection will provide for a healthier childhood for our adopted children when it matters most- in their preteen years when they begin to discover who they are. I think it is so important that you work on having the best relationship you can with her because though you aren't raising her she probably knows or at least will know in the future that you are her birth mom. The relationship you have with her will play a big role in how she sees herself in the future. No matter how much unconditional love her grandparents show her she will still be affected by her relationship (or lack of) with you. I'm sure this is very difficult for you but, you getting raped wasn't her fault. She deserves unconditional love and a healthy relationship from you whether or not you raise her. If you need help please get counseling to help you heal from your painful experience so you can move on and build a relationship with your daughter. I would also suggest that your healing can come from God if you are open to Him helping you through your painful past. I could not have made it through difficult times in my life without God's unconditional love, peace and patience. My relationship with God has helped me to go through difficult experiences and come out stronger in the end. I will pray for you A..

A.,
I am so sorry for what you have gone through. I cannot even imagine how you are dealing with this. It seems as though you were able to move on to an extent with getting married and even having a baby conceived out of love instead of a horrible act. I do agree with some of the other responses as far as really thinking hard on this before you make this decision. You chose not to abort this child and instead of having stranger raise her, your parents are. There must have been a part of you that wanted her. She did not ask to be born and only wants to be loved. Regardless of how far away you move, she is still your child. And if you are running away because you cannot deal with the situation, then that will not solve anything and will always have a hold over you. The truth always comes out. Someday your daughter will find out that you are her mother and wonder why you did not want her. I don't know if you have ever been to counseling over this, but please talk this over with your husband and possibly try family counseling. I am sorry to hear that you are not close with your parents. I pray that that can change for you as well. You only have one set of parents and when something happens to them, if you have not made peace you will regret this. This happened with my boyfriend of ten years. He lost his mom a couple of years ago and our son had never even met her. It hit him hard and you can't go back once they are gone. Please, please reconsider moving away until you are absolutely certain that this is what you want and are ready to dael with the consequences down the road. My heart goes out to you. Good luck with whatever choices you make

Hi A.,

You have had a very hard time. Please try to remember that your daughter had nothing to do with you being raped. In no way can I even imagine what you have gone through but I think you need some counselling to be able to separate your daughter from what happened to you. Since you are married and have another daughter it sounds as if you have been able to "get on with your life" somewhat. I do think you should let your parents adopt your first daughter but, if they allow it, I think you should have some involvement in her life. Remember that regardless of the situation and where she is growing up, she is still your second daugter's sister. I wish you the best of luck.

C.

Hi A.,

I think you should stay involved in her life. Even though she is being adopted by your parents she is still your daughter. Right now she is only 5 but someday when she is more grown up she may ask why you didn't want to be in her life or something. I think you should be involved in her life atleast in some way. At the same time, I am not there and don't know the details. Think long about what you are going to do. Think of the effects it could have in the future. I wish you the best in any decision you make with this.

A.,

These both sound like really hard options. But I think the mere fact that you are posing this question to the group illustrates you have feelings that leaving your daughter may not be in her best interest.

I have adopted a relative, so I understand some of what's involved here. No matter how much your parents love your daughter, no matter what they do to fill the void that you would leave, it will never be enough because they are not her natural parents. I believe, and this is just my opinion, that if your daughter knew the truth (and I would advocate for her to know the truth), that she was abandoned by her mother, she would carry that with her the rest of her life and it would shape every relationship she forms.

To me, there's a fundamental difference between relatives adopting when the state takes a child away than when that child is voluntarily left. In the former, the child may someday understand that their parents were just unable to care for them, in the latter, the child will probably believe there's something fundamentally wrong with them.

No matter what you decide to do, both you and your daughter are probably in need of some therapy. Please make sure that both of you, individually and/or together, seek this out.

If you have done what is best for your child by putting her in a loving, safe environment, quit beating yourself up! It sounds like you've taking careful consideration for her best interest. You moving on with your life with your husband and child, is not selfish. You could write her letters from where ever you move to, that way you won't lose complete contact. Whichever decision you make, you need to do whats best for yourself, your husband and your 6 month old. You already did what was best for your 5 year old. Good Luck and God Bless

I think you are doing the right thing.

I would say when/if you move away not to move too far. A couple hours away by car at most. God forbid your parents encounter aging problems or a better change in situation which has you wanting to be close... It would be a shame to be commuting from Alaska.

Hi, A.
I was adopted myself I am soo grateful that my birthmom loved me enough to want a better life. I did find her when I was 18 and she is a wonderful person. We talk once in awhile and I have met her family. I do not think you have to move away to stay out of her life. Remember running away from problems is never the answer. Also I do not know how old your parents are but I hope they have a godparents incase something happens to them. My dad died at 59 and even though I was 20 years old he still has missed out on alot. I hope everthing works out. I personally would never want to know if my father was a rapiest. I would just rather think that he was a one night stand.

Take Care
jo

Hi A.,

My situation growing up was similar to your daughters. I was adopted by my maternal grandparents and raised as their daughter from birth. I did know my birth mother and she was involved in my life, but not as a parent.

In retrospect, if my birth mom had moved out of state, etc. I would have turned out fine. She was not involved in my life to the point where it would have left a huge hole.

Obviously this is a very personal decision but from my personal experience I viewed my grandparents as my parents, and depended on them and looked to them as my primary source of support and care. My birth mom was a part of my life, but was not a consistent presence, and I would have been fine if she moved away.

You'll just need to be availble for your daughter in the future when she finds out about the adoption. It did help a lot that my birth mother was there to answer questions and help me to understand what went in to her making the decision.

Good luck.

I don't think you should take yourself out of her life. It's unfortunate that you went through such a tramatic event that caused her birth. Your daughter is innocent. I would think a little harder about this decision because you are putting a child out there that will be lost. Having a loving family means a lot to a child but it's nothing like having your mom around. I hope you try to get some counseling for yourself and daughter at a church or family center to help deal with the anger you have for her and the incident. She won't ever understand why mommy didn't love her--while the whole time she loved you regardless how you may have treated her.

I wish you and your family the best!