9 Year Old, When to Go Solo?

I don't think it's a matter of age--I think it's more a matte of, is the child capable of handling different situations?

We're dealing with the same thing with my 10-year-old (almost 11) dd. She lacks the common sense or *street smarts* to cope in a situation where a stranger approached her, or friends suggest to go somewhere other than where they're supposed to be. It makes it difficult, because she has friends on our street a year younger who can ride all around the neighborhood, walk up to 7-11, etc. But until I feel she's ready and can handle that type of responsibility, I'm sticking to my guns and limiting her to our street. When it comes down to it, we moms know what's best for our kids!

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Sounds like you already know the answer to this one. I have an 8 year old and feel the same loss that he cannot run as freely as I did, but I don't think we have a choice. There was a 9 year at a park in the next town over and he managed to run from someone that pulled up in a dark car and told him to get in. The school sent home a notice from the police dept. warning parents to keep an eye on their kids. What if there were 2 people in that car and one got out and grabbed that boy? He wouldn't have stood a chance. Abount 6 or so years ago there was that huge missing child case in AZ where the little girl ran to the ice cream truck and her parents were not far. She just vanished. I think as the teenage years are more firmly underway, mine will get more freedom in they way you are talking... we will still need to be careful, but they will have to learn to do some of these things. Unfortunately, I think it's too risky to let them be carefree at this age. Good luck.

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Letting us go places and run around without constant supervision wasn't to teach us independance, but just convenient for mom. She could do what she needed to do in the home with no kids in her hair. We could explore, go places and so forth without her.

We don't live in safe times as those and our kids will become independant regardless as they grow up. Protecting our children from a much harsher environment is more important than their ability to walk to school by themselves. I never walked to school because my school was five miles away, but I'm still independant.

I only went to my piano lessons by myself a few times....I'm still independant.

Really there is no need for you to take the risk of leaving your children to their own devices and open to danger from a much different world just to teach her independance. It isn't necessasry and I think it's irresponsible and lazy. We don't have that convenience that our mothers had....but that's just my opinion.

Check the Illinois Registered Offender web site and see how many registered offenders are in your area...and it tells you which were crimes against children or other circumstances. I live in a really nice area in $300,000 homes and up...but we have about 10 or more within a five mile radius.

That alone should tell you your girls should not be running around unsupervised or guarded. It's a pain and you can't get much done, but that's just the facts for the times we live in.

You want your girls to be independant. Give them chores to do daily that they have to get done on their own. Let them pick out some of their own clothes daily. Allow them to pick and fix dinner with minimal help once a week. Maybe even allow them to prepare a menu, take them to the store to shop, then fix the meal....setting the talbe and everything. Send them to ask the sales person in the store a question. Give them the money at the counter to pay for their own things with their own money. Set them up with a savings account that they have to keep track of and balance. Allow them to plant a few plants in pots and explain how to take care of the plants....tomatoes, some beans, flowers???? Get them a fish that they have to read up on and care for. Start with a Beta/Fighting fish.

There are all kinds of ways to teach our children how to go it alone without taking the chance they will come across a predator, mean kid, gang member, or drug dealer with no one around to help them. It's just silly to expect them to handle those situations and how horrible if something happened while they are walking to the library. I would wait until their teens and then make sure that they have taken a defense course or even taken karate classes for awhile.

Now whether teens should be wandering around unsupervised or not is another soapbox....mine won't be no matter how much they whine and cry about it. A child's brain doesn't develop in the area responsible for reasoning and decision making until they are 18...so why am I going to let them go places in which they have to make hard decisions when they don't have the brain maturity to do a good job????? Talk about gambling and we wonder why teen pregnancy, sexually transmitted disease, drug use, alcoholism, and crime among teens is so high???? Duh!!!! We just throw our kids to the wolves and hope for the best. At least wait until they have the brain maturity to do so.

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The answere is in "the abduction". I wouldn't let my child walk anywhere alone. Just don't tell the child why other than "stranger danger" could be anywhere. You ake the child then you'll always feel good about it and not a nervous wreck. Good luck honey. I lived in Oak Park years ago. The area has changed greatly and the income situation these days cause even the nicest of people to do bad things.

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I am looking at a very similar situation and I certainly have empathy. I think letting go to allow for more freedom is hard for a parent at each stage in a child's life. I too have a nine year old and we live in a very kid friendly and safe neighborhood in New Lenox, but I still hesitate too let him have too much freedom.

I will let him go to the park (about a block away)if he is with other friends, but not all alone (I don't think he'd go alone anyway). I let him ride his bike, scooter etc around the few blocks closest to our home (our block and the one or two intersecting ours). I know some parents allow their kids to walk about 3 blocks up (to a busier street just outside the subdivision) to get hot dogs or candy from the little strip mall, but I have not done this yet (grabbing him snd putting him into a car would be too easy with a parking lot and a busier street), but with a group of friends and a parent's cell phone or walkie talkie I might allow it as the summer goes on.
Ultimately I stick with the safety in numbers theory and I do not let him go it alone much at all (in fact I allowed him to stay home alone for the first time twice this summer - once while I walked the dogs and once while I drove to the gas station 3 blocks away) and that was a huge step for both of us.
I think it is all in what you can be comfortable with because no matter how smart and responsible our own children are the world can be pretty crazy sometimes. If there is a little voice saying no in your head, listen to it. You are the mom and you know what is best for your child. Good luck and let me know what you decide.
J.

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You know your daughhter best. I don't know if I'd let her go by herself, but with a friend or two would be okay. The whole, safety in numbers thing.

It wasn't until I was 13 did my mom let me bike to the pool and library by myself. I was one of those super-trusting kids. My brother had more street smarts and more independence. But, my mom did let me go to the park (at the end of the block) as long as I was with a friend. That was around age 9 or 10.

Is she asking you if she can go by herself or are you thinking she should want more freedom? If she's not asking, I wouldn't worry about it. My oldest is 11 and she hasn't asked me if she can go to 7-11 by herself. I would let her go with a friend, if she asked, but I'm not offering. :D

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It sounds like you are trying to be fair; however, what was commonplace when you were 9 and today is very different. It's hard to have children understand that you are not trying to take away freedom when all you are really concerned about is safety from others. Perhaps you could go together to a park or place where she could make her own choices yet you could see her at all times. She may think you are over-protective, but in the end she will always be safe with your eyes guiding her path.

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I don't want to make you paranoid, but 9 is a bit young to let her go out solo. If there are other children in the neighborhood who are also outside, it could be okay. At 9, a child can be easily overpowered by an adult or older bully. At least with other kids around, a person is less likely to try something that others might see. I would wait to let her have such independence. Sadly, times are very different, but I am sure you would rather keep her safe than to be sorry. I too was able to go about the neighborhood at 9 with no worries, but these are not those days. I wish you much success with your child(ren).

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I live in a small town, the same one I lived in growing up, and I never let my kids have the freedom I had. It's just a different world. Even though it's a small town, we had groups of kids roaming around that caused trouble. My son ending up having to fight them off when he was 17 and dislocated his shoulder. That led to two years of doctors visits and finally surgery. I don't think anywhere is safe nowadays.

I have three kids so I always let them ride their bikes or walk in pairs. I figure at least with two of them together there's less chance someone will bother them.

Living where you live, I don't think I could let my kids go out solo until they could drive in a car with locked doors! LOL. It's so hard to be a parent nowadays!

Best wishes to you. Don't know if this helps, but wanted to you know I understand your fears.

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You already have your answers. With all of the incidents in your area, I think that she is too young to go solo. That being said, maybe, just maybe, she is at the perfect age to go to the library with a friend. Given all that you said and all that you know about your neighborhood, I would never let her run around on her own. In addition, I would make her accountable for her whereabouts at regular intervals. It just isn't worth it.

Hope this helps. Good luck.
N.

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I am struggling with the same thing with my 9 year old. We live in a small town that is relatively safe but you always have those thoughts of the unknown in the back of your head. By the time I was 9 I went all over town on my bike by myself and would be gone for hours. So did all of my friends and with no incidents. But I would never let my son do that. Sometimes I feel a little guilty like I am overparenting. There is a fine balance between giving independence and being a passive parent. I have finally felt comfortable letting him play basketball in the driveway by himself and walking down the street to a friends house. Don't let them do anything you feel uncomfortable with and Good Luck!

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It truly is a different world out there. You can't be too cautious when it comes to your kids. There are so many wack jobs out there. I would still watch her walking places. My daughter is 10 and she still doesn't go around the block alone. She can go to the neighbors alone but that's about it. She must play in the backyards and if she needs or wants to go anywhere else, she needs to tell me and can only go further (a block or so) with a group. I hope this helps.

Another protective Mother....

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My son is 12 and we just started letting him bike wherever he wants to go. Although girls do mature faster than boys, I think she is still too young. My son received a great deal of stranger danger instruction at school, and even though he felt confident that he could handle encounters with strangers, we quickly learned he couldn't. We gave him a "What if.." test, and he failed miserably. For example, ...You're going across a parking lot, and a car pulls up to you with two people in it. They have the window rolled down and one says "excuse me, have you seen this dog?" (they show him a photo of a dog)...What do you do? His answer was, "I would say no and keep going." Obviously that's the wrong answer because as soon as you make eye contact, they've got you baited and it's all over. Kids today have far greater threats than we ever had as kids. You can always try the what if test, and go from there. GOod luck!

I feel obliged to point out that times, in fact, are not that different. Street crime is no more common now than it has been in previous generations. Increased attention to child safety, predator laws, amber alerts, etc. make it very difficult for strangers to pull anything. Almost every case of kidnapping involves divorced parents.
Since we think about this stuff more, we automatically think it's more common. Don't take unnecessary risks with your kids, but please don't let the paranoia take over.

You are right to be concerned because there are some crazy people in this world. On the other hand you want your children to begin to develop independence. I don't have a perfect solution but maybe you could have her to check in every 15-20 minutes when she is out. Make sure that you are on the porch and visable to anyone watching. There are no perfect solution but at some point we all have to allow our children to go out on their own. In this day and age maybe there is a tracking device that she can wear so that you will know where she is at all times. In these times, especially, with our younger children we need things like that. I hope this helps.