69 answers

9 Year Old That Wants Too Much

I have a 9 year old that says we don't give her everything. Since the age of 6 she has had her own cell phone, has been in kick-ball for the past 4 years, and is currently in private piano lessons. My husband is a bit more strict with her than I am and he usually says no to most of her requests. I strongly believe that she has a lot more than what a 9 year old should have, or than what I had at her age. She does not see that unlike some of her cousins/friends she has her own room, nice furniture, allowance, and much more. She has been asking us to get her a horse but does not understand that it is impossible to have a pet like that in a back yard. I feel that she should get everything that we can provide without having to ask for it cause she is very helpful around the house, has very good grades, and above all has received commencement in every section of her first TAKS test. Unlike me my husband feels that I should stop spoiling her and make her request things so that she can learn to appreciate what she currently has that others can't afford. Please advise on what to do to make her understand.

What can I do next?

So What Happened?™

Thanks a lot for your advice. I live right across the border from Mexico and my best friend was telling me about an area (trash dump) where people actually live in. I have been considering taking her there so that she can donate some clothes, shoes, and toys. I guess I just need a push myself to get around and do it, it will definately go on my to-do list for this summer.

Thanks again and I will let you know how everything goes.

Featured Answers

I agree wholeheartedly with the idea of having her give up some of her prized posessions to those less fortunate. I need to work with my own children in this area again. My first thought though, was to take her to Mexico. We drove through an area where people were living in cardboard boxes. My oldest was 6 at the time, but still remembers. I was impressed by how much his little six year old heart was moved, and what a great impression it made on his mind.
Good luck!

1 mom found this helpful

I only have a baby so I am not quite there yet. But I do have my experience with spoiled friends. Being spoiled is not something you outgrow, and it is not cute as an adult. (come meet my 31 yr old friend, her mother still buys her designer things and she expects a lot from people)

I agree, but more so why don't you start doing community work so she can see how muh she has and how little others have, but how happy one can be with so little. Family time together, doing crazy fun stuff, inexpensive stuff is great.

More Answers

This thing I decided to send you got all messed up when I pasted it...sorry! My 10 year old daughter has this framed in her room. We talk about these things alot. You might want to read them yourself, and think about what you are teaching your daughter by giving her everything she wants....Good luck to you! :)

RULE 1
Life is not fair - get used to it.

RULE 2
The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world
will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel
good about yourself.

RULE 3
You will NOT make 40 thousand dollars a year right out
of high school. You won't be a vice president with
car phone, until you earn both.

RULE 4
If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a
boss. He doesn't have tenure.

RULE 5
Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your
grandparents had a different word for burger flipping
they
called it Opportunity.

RULE 6
If you mess up,it's not your parents' fault, so don't
whine about your mistakes, learn from them.

RULE 7
Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as
they are now. They got that way from paying your bills,
cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about
how cool you are. So before you save the rain forest
from the parasites of your parent's generation, try
delousing the closet in your own room.

RULE 8
Your school may have done away with winners and losers,
but life has not. In some schools they have abolished
failing grades and they'll give you as many times as
you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the
slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.

RULE 9
Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get
summers off and very few employers are interested in
helping you find yourself. Do that on your own time.

RULE 10
Television is NOT real life. In real life people
actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.

RULE 11
Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for
one.

3 moms found this helpful

Well I'm afraid you're a lot nicer than me. I'd say "Ok - if you don't appreciate what you DO have and obviously feel we're not giving you anything - I think it's time you actually experienced what that's like". And then for a year get her NOTHING. What's the point of giving, giving, giving if she's never satisfied with it anyway? Helping around the house is simply a part of being a family - not something that should be rewarded (do YOU get rewarded for doing the laundry 5 times a week?). I think the problem is we give our kids too much and they grow up with a feeling of entitlement and then can't cope in the real world. Ask employers and they'll tell you - there's a huge epidemic of kids going out into the work place with wildly unrealistic expectations and at the age of 25 or so they're having to find out the hard way. Do you really want your child to find out at the age of 25? I'd start knocking it on the head now.

2 moms found this helpful

I would say take it all away and make her earn it back then she will see just how much she has.

1 mom found this helpful

I have a son that was the same way. For years my husband and I would bump heads over not giving in to every request, and I didn't understand it. He was/is a good boy, has great grades, is polite to adults, takes care of his stuff so what is the problem. We the problem by age 10 I could clearly see was that he didn't understand the word no. He had no concept of waiting, or not getting something. It because a symbol of love and acceptance instead of something he asked for. It took me an addition 9 long years to fix what I by myself had created. He is still a wonderful young man, making good grades in college, polite to adults and takes care of not only his things but family matters. He has become more of a member of our family and looks out for everyone instead of just himself. But I had to see some tears to get to that point. You will have to sit with her at every corner and explain that not getting a toy/gift doesn't mean that you aren't proud of her, or that you don't love her very much. It just means that as her mommy you don't feel it is something she needs. And if you see that she wants to earn it, make sure she REALLY earns it. I sometimes would round the corners on what needed to happen to get things, because it became as hard for me to wait to get it for him as it did him to wait to get it. But your biggest fear wont happen. She will love you even if you say no. And she will be an even better girl for it. She will learn more from not getting it, maybe have trade offs. Seeing as how you have other children, why don't you say no we cant buy a pony but how about we have a family day out. And everyone as a family enjoy each other. The memories and relationships we form will last longer then her want for a pony.

1 mom found this helpful

I think it is OK to give her things but she does not need to think she is entitled to every single things she wants. She also needs to learn the value of giving rather than just receiving. If you think she is becoming too materialistic, I would have her volunteer or help out at a church or maybe she could help out if there is some program for horses that work with special needs kids? Let her see there are kids who don't have everything and that she should appreciate the things she has. I see too many kids and parents who put value on THINGS over VALUES - being kind to others, being responsible, etc.. It is what we GIVE that is important, not what we RECEIVE.

Good luck - it is tough being a parent.

1 mom found this helpful

Teach your child that her value/identity is not based on things and instead based on the strength of her character, her intelligence, being a decent and kind person.

1 mom found this helpful

I recognize your issue and here is what I did. I woke up one day realizing that the most important thing I can give my daughter is my time and love, not "things" I also realized that by not showing her the value of things and how to take care of them she treated everything like it was owed to her. I changed this at exactly the same age as your daughter and she is turning 12 now and is a completely different person. She's giving, thoughtful appreciative and accepts rules and disciplice with accountability. I provide a good structure with clear expectations and reward accordingly. She has flourished since I changed how I was parenting. I also take opportunities to show her how fortunate she is to have a loving, clean, safe home. I dont talk about it, I show her.

Hope that helps and good luck!

I am a full time Sr. Manager, mother of 3, wife to a wonderful husband!

1 mom found this helpful

Dear I.,

Where do I even begin? First of all your husband is correct.
Sorry to be so blunt but it's the truth. Where on God's green
earth is it written that we have to give our children every-thing they want? Making good grades & cleaning her room are things she should be doing anyway. These are things that will
benefit her - she just doesn't realize it yet, but she will someday. A cell phone at 6! Hello! The problem with kids these days is that they have too much & always expect more.
Your daughter is playing you as a fool and has been winning.
When my oldest daughter (now 25) wanted a pair of $108.00 pair
of tennis shoes I laughed. I told her I would buy her what she needed & if she wanted something that expensive she would have to buy herself. When they have to use their own money they take a lot better care of it. I suggest you start standing your ground & teach your daughter to appreciate what she has now. Otherwise she'll never have anything to look forward to. Dr. Dobson has a few really good books on this subject (tough love) that may be very helpful to you. Just so
you know - love is the greatest gift your child really needs.
Good luck.

C.

1 mom found this helpful

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