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9 Year Old That Wants Too Much

I have a 9 year old that says we don't give her everything. Since the age of 6 she has had her own cell phone, has been in kick-ball for the past 4 years, and is currently in private piano lessons. My husband is a bit more strict with her than I am and he usually says no to most of her requests. I strongly believe that she has a lot more than what a 9 year old should have, or than what I had at her age. She does not see that unlike some of her cousins/friends she has her own room, nice furniture, allowance, and much more. She has been asking us to get her a horse but does not understand that it is impossible to have a pet like that in a back yard. I feel that she should get everything that we can provide without having to ask for it cause she is very helpful around the house, has very good grades, and above all has received commencement in every section of her first TAKS test. Unlike me my husband feels that I should stop spoiling her and make her request things so that she can learn to appreciate what she currently has that others can't afford. Please advise on what to do to make her understand.

What can I do next?

So What Happened?™

Thanks a lot for your advice. I live right across the border from Mexico and my best friend was telling me about an area (trash dump) where people actually live in. I have been considering taking her there so that she can donate some clothes, shoes, and toys. I guess I just need a push myself to get around and do it, it will definately go on my to-do list for this summer.

Thanks again and I will let you know how everything goes.

Featured Answers

I agree wholeheartedly with the idea of having her give up some of her prized posessions to those less fortunate. I need to work with my own children in this area again. My first thought though, was to take her to Mexico. We drove through an area where people were living in cardboard boxes. My oldest was 6 at the time, but still remembers. I was impressed by how much his little six year old heart was moved, and what a great impression it made on his mind.
Good luck!

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I only have a baby so I am not quite there yet. But I do have my experience with spoiled friends. Being spoiled is not something you outgrow, and it is not cute as an adult. (come meet my 31 yr old friend, her mother still buys her designer things and she expects a lot from people)

I agree, but more so why don't you start doing community work so she can see how muh she has and how little others have, but how happy one can be with so little. Family time together, doing crazy fun stuff, inexpensive stuff is great.

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This thing I decided to send you got all messed up when I pasted it...sorry! My 10 year old daughter has this framed in her room. We talk about these things alot. You might want to read them yourself, and think about what you are teaching your daughter by giving her everything she wants....Good luck to you! :)

RULE 1
Life is not fair - get used to it.

RULE 2
The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world
will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel
good about yourself.

RULE 3
You will NOT make 40 thousand dollars a year right out
of high school. You won't be a vice president with
car phone, until you earn both.

RULE 4
If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a
boss. He doesn't have tenure.

RULE 5
Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your
grandparents had a different word for burger flipping
they
called it Opportunity.

RULE 6
If you mess up,it's not your parents' fault, so don't
whine about your mistakes, learn from them.

RULE 7
Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as
they are now. They got that way from paying your bills,
cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about
how cool you are. So before you save the rain forest
from the parasites of your parent's generation, try
delousing the closet in your own room.

RULE 8
Your school may have done away with winners and losers,
but life has not. In some schools they have abolished
failing grades and they'll give you as many times as
you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the
slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.

RULE 9
Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get
summers off and very few employers are interested in
helping you find yourself. Do that on your own time.

RULE 10
Television is NOT real life. In real life people
actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.

RULE 11
Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for
one.

3 moms found this helpful

Well I'm afraid you're a lot nicer than me. I'd say "Ok - if you don't appreciate what you DO have and obviously feel we're not giving you anything - I think it's time you actually experienced what that's like". And then for a year get her NOTHING. What's the point of giving, giving, giving if she's never satisfied with it anyway? Helping around the house is simply a part of being a family - not something that should be rewarded (do YOU get rewarded for doing the laundry 5 times a week?). I think the problem is we give our kids too much and they grow up with a feeling of entitlement and then can't cope in the real world. Ask employers and they'll tell you - there's a huge epidemic of kids going out into the work place with wildly unrealistic expectations and at the age of 25 or so they're having to find out the hard way. Do you really want your child to find out at the age of 25? I'd start knocking it on the head now.

2 moms found this helpful

I would say take it all away and make her earn it back then she will see just how much she has.

1 mom found this helpful

I have a son that was the same way. For years my husband and I would bump heads over not giving in to every request, and I didn't understand it. He was/is a good boy, has great grades, is polite to adults, takes care of his stuff so what is the problem. We the problem by age 10 I could clearly see was that he didn't understand the word no. He had no concept of waiting, or not getting something. It because a symbol of love and acceptance instead of something he asked for. It took me an addition 9 long years to fix what I by myself had created. He is still a wonderful young man, making good grades in college, polite to adults and takes care of not only his things but family matters. He has become more of a member of our family and looks out for everyone instead of just himself. But I had to see some tears to get to that point. You will have to sit with her at every corner and explain that not getting a toy/gift doesn't mean that you aren't proud of her, or that you don't love her very much. It just means that as her mommy you don't feel it is something she needs. And if you see that she wants to earn it, make sure she REALLY earns it. I sometimes would round the corners on what needed to happen to get things, because it became as hard for me to wait to get it for him as it did him to wait to get it. But your biggest fear wont happen. She will love you even if you say no. And she will be an even better girl for it. She will learn more from not getting it, maybe have trade offs. Seeing as how you have other children, why don't you say no we cant buy a pony but how about we have a family day out. And everyone as a family enjoy each other. The memories and relationships we form will last longer then her want for a pony.

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I think it is OK to give her things but she does not need to think she is entitled to every single things she wants. She also needs to learn the value of giving rather than just receiving. If you think she is becoming too materialistic, I would have her volunteer or help out at a church or maybe she could help out if there is some program for horses that work with special needs kids? Let her see there are kids who don't have everything and that she should appreciate the things she has. I see too many kids and parents who put value on THINGS over VALUES - being kind to others, being responsible, etc.. It is what we GIVE that is important, not what we RECEIVE.

Good luck - it is tough being a parent.

1 mom found this helpful

Teach your child that her value/identity is not based on things and instead based on the strength of her character, her intelligence, being a decent and kind person.

1 mom found this helpful

I recognize your issue and here is what I did. I woke up one day realizing that the most important thing I can give my daughter is my time and love, not "things" I also realized that by not showing her the value of things and how to take care of them she treated everything like it was owed to her. I changed this at exactly the same age as your daughter and she is turning 12 now and is a completely different person. She's giving, thoughtful appreciative and accepts rules and disciplice with accountability. I provide a good structure with clear expectations and reward accordingly. She has flourished since I changed how I was parenting. I also take opportunities to show her how fortunate she is to have a loving, clean, safe home. I dont talk about it, I show her.

Hope that helps and good luck!

I am a full time Sr. Manager, mother of 3, wife to a wonderful husband!

1 mom found this helpful

Dear I.,

Where do I even begin? First of all your husband is correct.
Sorry to be so blunt but it's the truth. Where on God's green
earth is it written that we have to give our children every-thing they want? Making good grades & cleaning her room are things she should be doing anyway. These are things that will
benefit her - she just doesn't realize it yet, but she will someday. A cell phone at 6! Hello! The problem with kids these days is that they have too much & always expect more.
Your daughter is playing you as a fool and has been winning.
When my oldest daughter (now 25) wanted a pair of $108.00 pair
of tennis shoes I laughed. I told her I would buy her what she needed & if she wanted something that expensive she would have to buy herself. When they have to use their own money they take a lot better care of it. I suggest you start standing your ground & teach your daughter to appreciate what she has now. Otherwise she'll never have anything to look forward to. Dr. Dobson has a few really good books on this subject (tough love) that may be very helpful to you. Just so
you know - love is the greatest gift your child really needs.
Good luck.

C.

1 mom found this helpful

Hello I.,
I have to say that I agree with your husband. If you don't start now then when she's older so won't know the value of a dollar and won't be appreciative of the things she does get or even buys for herself. My son is 6 and there are a lot of things he wants that my husband and I can afford but he doesn't always get them. He has to earn it and sometimes has to give up some of his money to get what he wants. He earns money by doing things around the house although he doesn't get paid very much. Usually .50 or a $1 here and there and once he reaches $20 or so he's allowed to go to the store and buy only 1 item. He has the choice of buying something then or saving his money for a larger item. I do the same thing with his birthday money 1/2 goes into his bank account and 1/2 he is allowed to use to buy toys or clothes. There are still alot of things that my husband and I and family buy him but he understands when I say something is too expensive or it's something that I don't think he needs. Another thing we do is before he can pull out birthday or Christmas toys to play with he has to go through his toys he already has and get rid of some to give to kids who don't have toys. He chooses which ones he keeps and which ones he gives away. The first time he didn't give away too many and wasn't too excited about doing it but now he looks forward to it because he knows it's going to someone who doesn't have the things he does. When you go through toys or clothes have her help you. I think by doing these things one she's still able to get some of the things she wants, two she's having to earn it and will value it more and three she'll start realizing how much she really has. Have her go with you to drop off the items at either a store or at a house if you know of someone who needs the stuff. Start now and she'll appreciate almost everything you give her. She'll still be a kid and have her phases. Good luck.

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You actually now have two problems...
You definately need to recognize your daughters awesomeness without feeling you have to reward her with everything. She needs to do this for herself and not a reward ~ she will respect and believe in herself more when she's older. She'll rebel, but it will be worth it.
Also, you need to respect your husband's view on this. I let my husband voice his opinion but thought my way was best, (same situation as you) and now he has left our 12 year marriage for another woman and I am doing it all on my own now. This is not to say that your husband is a morally unsound as mine, but just be careful of not respecting his wishes. Also, I recommend reading the book, "The Proper Care and Feeding of Your Husband", by Dr. Laura. Good book!
Good luck!

1 mom found this helpful

I've learned that sometimes the more my kids get, the less grateful they are. Here are some changes that we've made that have worked for us: If they want a big item, they save their allowance. My kids wanted a Wii...so they saved over $400 , but when their dad took them to purchase it, it was hard for them to give up THEIR money and they ended up buying a Playstation 2 that cost 1/3 the price of the Wii...and they take very good care of it because they purchased it. This is just one example, but we have really tried to get them to have a "grateful heart" for all they have and all they receive. We've also started doing a "Gratitude Journal" each night. They have a spiral and write 5 things that they were grateful for each day. It has really helped them take joy in the small things. Good luck!

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Hi I. - When children have too much (a cell phone at age 6?)they begin to feel entitled. People are doing things like getting their little girls hair highlighted and having their nails done, buying them expensive clothes etc.. This just becomes "stuff" to them and they want more. Boundaries are so important to children and teenagers and if they are not defined and enforced, kids will quickly become out of control and develop that entitlement syndrome.

Good grades, helping around the house and doing well on the TAKS test should be expected by children living in the house because they are being raised to be a person of high character who will be an independent self sufficient individual who can be a upstanding contributing member of society (isn't that what our goal is when raising children?). Of course we want our children to feel so loved and wanted also but this can (and should) be done with praise and love and not more "stuff" which just dilutes everything and does not contribute to their character, principles, values and morals. I actually tell my children that my goal is the above and that is why I will not buy them "stuff". They understand.

Of course a 9 year old understands that a horse cannot live in the back yard - if she says otherwise, I think she is just trying to make you believe that she does not! Perhaps she would like horseback riding lessons and she can go to horseback riding camp (as long as her grades are high and she continues to help around the house). Most barns will let kids "work" there mucking out stables and taking care of the horses - you could arrange this and let her see if taking care of a horse is something she really loves! It is alot of work and often once kids realize this the whole horse thing isn't quite as appealing!

Good Luck!

1 mom found this helpful

My son is 5 and currently wants only "expensive stuff," as he calls it.I have NO idea where he got this notion. I always emphasize to be glad he has a mere roof over his head and food to eat, because some kids aren't as lucky. He's smart he knows what I mean. He currently asked for an IPod and when I said no, he got upset. I tell him when he's an adult he's not going to be handed any and every materialistic thing he desires, he's going to have a job and work for them. He is an extremely awesome child, well behaved, helps out, as your daughter does; but that doesn't mean I'm going to submit myself to his every want or demand. My husband and I believe that children need to be brought up to appreciate the basic things of life. Just keep in mind of what you want to build your daughter into. She's going to be all grown up one day and will have to accept many, "no's" and accept that sometimes she may have to sacrifice one thing, to get another more necessary thing. Like I say, it's better to start early on rather than wait before it's too late and more difficult. I would also suggest letting your husband have a say in what she gets and going through with his words. I know us wives can sometimes make their words or actions unaccountable and that will step by step break down a man's spirit,believe it or not.( I know from experience!)I totally understand getting her everything you guys can provide her BUT to a certain extent. Limit yourself on those things. Hope this helped!:)

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I.,

This is what worked for our family. We have an only child. She is a beautiful, intelligent,responsible 26 yr. She was in GT classes all through elementary, jr high school, and high school graduating from high school in the top 5%, then graduating from University of Texas having been on the dean's list every semster for her entire 5 years. She is currently teaching middle school.

As a child she got a modest weekly allowance and was able to earn extra money doing other chores. She had to save her money to buy items that we deemed too expensive or items that we wouldn't buy for her. ie toys, movies,treats, then as she got older, brand name jeans, shoes, makeup etc. For instance, we set a limit, we discussed this as a family and decided what we would spend for school clothes, if she wanted to purchase some item that was more expensive she had to come up with the remaining money. She had to SAVE her money to purchase those items. There were times when she would say, "my friend so and so has this new"... whatever the item was , our response was usually that is nice for your friend. We didn't want to play the game of keeping up with the "Jones" We tried to keep our purchases age appropriate, having said that( we didn't have to worry about cell phones, IPODs Wii). She was not allowed to have a computer, phone, or television in her room. This worked very well for our family.

We did not require her to work outside of the home during the school year. During the summer months she had to get a job and save her money. She was able to set aside a little money to have some fun.
We did not wait until college to get a checking account for her. We taught her how to balance a checkbook, to avoid credit card debt

She has thank us over the last few years for NOT giving her everything her heart desired. She feels good for knowing how to make wise financial decisions. She realized the importance of saving her money, waiting to see if the item would go on sale, making sure she really needed to make the purchase. She was able to help her husband get out of credit card debt, teaching him how to save to make purchases when you do have the money.

Sorry for the novel...

Make a plan then stick to it, remembering that each child is different.

It is so great being a mom!!!!

1 mom found this helpful

I agree wholeheartedly with the idea of having her give up some of her prized posessions to those less fortunate. I need to work with my own children in this area again. My first thought though, was to take her to Mexico. We drove through an area where people were living in cardboard boxes. My oldest was 6 at the time, but still remembers. I was impressed by how much his little six year old heart was moved, and what a great impression it made on his mind.
Good luck!

1 mom found this helpful

Hello: Just my two cents worth: You need to listen to your husband and stop the maddness b/f it gets to be all three kids (what they see, they will do). I speak from somewhat similar experience in that I use to buy pretty much on similar lines for my then 2 year old and all it did was get worse and worse. I grew up poor and didn't have much so I was trying to make sure my daughter had everything. Well, our son came came along (we adopted him at 12 1/2 months) and we did the same for him and things really began to get out of hand. The more they got, the more they wanted. So I donated 4 trash bags of toys, threw a couple of bags of junk toys away, and my husband and I sat down with them (at 5 and 3) and told them that we were going to quit spending our money on "junk" and save it so we could do more "family fun" things. I bought a book out of the Bernstein Bears book collection called the Greedy Gimmies (it was about Brother and Sister Bear having the "greedie gimmies" and not appreciating what they had) (got it from walmart for $2.50) and we incorprated it into our bedtime reading. So we started spending time together (and money) on day trips (like to a park, or go fishing, or see a movie together as a family). The first 3 months were heck. Our daughter whined and whined so that made her brother do likewise. After that it was and has been great. For their last birthdays the kids didn't even want big birthday parties, they asked to go on a family trip instead!!!! We are also very into giving to others now (via donations, adopting a family for Christmas, etc.) and I see the real rewards that my children are getting by how good it makes them feel to be helping others. Good luck!

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I.,
I agree with your husband on this. If she doesn't learn now...then when? Children thrive when given boundaries. Unfortunately, it hurts us more because as mom we want to give them every little thing that can make them happy. I had/have this problem with my little one and it sucks to be seen as the bad guy but remember why your doing it. Because you love her and want her to be a happy and thriving adult for the next sixty years.

You're husband is right.

My husbands mom made the mistake of buying stuff for her kids to try to replace the time that she couldn't spend them. She felt they deserved to get what they want without asking because they kept good grades. I can tell you now that they are adults, both she and they realize that was a HUGE mistake. Expect good grades, but you should also expect respect for herself and others, her to help out around the house without pay, etc.

Let her pick one activity to maintain. You have 3 kids and work full time. You can't do everything, and what the kids need more than an extra activity is some down time to spend with their family and just be kids. During the time you spend together, the kids not only build their relationships, but learn how to share and how to treat each other with respect and how to behave in social situations and self esteem and how to encourage others and most important (particularly with 3 kids) learn that they are NOT the center of the universe.

Kids (like adults) always want more than they have. If you tone back on what you give her, that will leave her room to want reasonable things -- for example a new outfit or a cell phone instead of a horse.

You are the parent. You and your husband need to sit down and figure out your priorities with your children. Would you rather spend their childhood sitting though games and recitals and practices and eating the car in between, or would you rather watch your children reading together or racing through the house playing hide and go seek? Where do you think this trend will lead you when she is 16? What kind of debt do you think she will accrue on credit cards in college? (They hand them out like candy on college campuses.)

Maybe give her an allowance, but don't give her anything. She can use her money to buy any clothes, or toys or cell phone minutes. It will help her learn the value of money, and it will also force her to prioritize and be appreciative for what she has. I would make her earn her allowance, though. I would give her a chore list and pay her according to each chore. It is never too early to learn that people have to work to get things they want whether that is laboring for money for cell phone minutes or whether that is studying to get good grades or training to be able to run a marathon.

I totally agree with your husband. It is very important to teach children the value of earning rewards. Can you imagine what she will be demanding as a teenager and an adult if you continue to indulge her?

I'm glad to hear that your daughter is helpful around the house, and doing well in school. She needs to learn appreciation, though. One idea is to give her extra chores that will earn a set of points. Then assign a point value to the things she asks you for. Make it proportionate to the cost of things-more expensive = more points. After she has to earn the things she wants, they will mean more to her, and she'll understand how you have to earn things as well. Children are like adults, in that we all take things for granted if they are just handed to us. We need to know the value of things, and invest in them in order to truly appreciate them.

Morning I.;

Well, you have the classic "spoiled" child! That really isn't
a bad thing, we all want to spoil all our kids.
Your husband is right, there comes a time when the child hasn't learned responsibilities and 9 years old is a good time to start!
There is a simple solution to the "Horse" problem! There are
several stables at the outskirts of the city, just pick one
and go on your own and talk to the owner. Explain to him/her in detail your problem with your 9 year old girl and ask them
what they would charge you to make her clean stalls, feed the
horses, bathe them and let her ride when she has finished all the work! But, she must work to ride!!
Good Luck,
B. C

Well I think that she is blessed beyond measure to have parents who can provide so well for her and love her so much. As far as the horse thing goes, what can you do but stick to your guns and tell her no. Going forward, how about making her a partner in the things she wants. Have her save her allowance for some things or maybe do something extra or go in half for something big that she is really wanting. I think it would help her to see the connection between the cost of things and the purchase of things. I remember as a kid I wanted something and I told my mom to just go get the money out of the bank. I just didn't connect the work that made the money to the actual money! I am not suggesting that she work for everything. But as you judge, have her save for things. And of course as her parents, you can always say no. You set the boundaries, not her. I have seen some kids grow up so ungrateful and it is not a pretty sight. The greatest gift I think any of us can give our children is a grateful heart. Teaching her to save for things is a great way to help her begin to value what she has. Take care!!

I agree with your husband. If she thinks she can have everything she wants. She does not appreciate anything she does have. Have her pick something she wants and use her own allowance to pay for it. I did that with my son and he learned to appreciate everything he does have. He did not get a cell phone until he was 13. Good luck.

To have a cell phone at 9 years of age is a bit much, in my opinion. I just allowed my 16 y.o. son to have one, and that's only because he's in so many sports activities and they go off to various places to play games. I wanted him to be able to let me know when he was getting back (as they are late, at times). I have to side with your husband, on this one. It's understandable that you want your child to have all the things you could not and/or did not have, but I think a child has to learn that sometimes, doing something is its own reward. Life really isn't the way you've set it up to be. If she gets good grades in school, good for her! She SHOULD be getting good grades in school. I don't think a child should be rewarded for grades. She does stuff around the house and that's what an allowance is for. You're already rewarding her for being helpful. But even then, there are things she should do without being rewarded for. My kids had to keep their rooms clean. That was a given. They did not get paid for that. And they did not have an allowance, per say. They were rewarded with being able to go to the movies with friends, to be able to go to a school dance, to spend the night at someone's house on a weekend night. Life does not hand you gold medals for everything you do. She obviously doesn't sound like she appreciates what she has, so why are you breaking your back to shove everything at her? You're going to have trouble on your hands, if you keep this up. Take her to a homeless shelter and make her see that there are kids who have nothing. If she still doesn't see it after that, maybe you need to "downsize" her belongings. Not sure what else to tell you, other than there are millions of kids in the world who have way less and are probably doing better. You're raising a diva. That's gonna be harsh, later on.

That is so great that your daughter is doing so well in school. Her accomplishments should be recognized! However, there are more ways to show that you are proud of her than lavishing her with material things. What about privileges when she does something well? Movie night or sleep over? It is really important for kids to do well in school but we have to remember that there is more than just good grades. WE have to teach our kids that they have responsibilities like taking care of the things they do have, contributing to the household, homework, and treating others well.
If you are giving her an allowance then she should be saving her own money for the things she wants.(Good lesson in economics!)
Its great to have the ability to give or children everything they want, it give us a great feeling to know that we have made them happy. However, spoiling them does not do them any favors. It will not make life easier for them in the long run. Its okay to say "No!" in fact you will be doing her a favor!

Yes your Daughter is spoiled, and guess who is the culprit??? sorry!! It is important that you nip it in the bud now, so that she won't continue this way into her teens when bad behavior is almost always the norm, and spoiled children get into the most trouble. You certainly don't want that for your daughter. I personally think that a cell phone at age 6 is ridiculous! age 9 isn't much better! 16 is a more appropriate age! Gosh what has this world come to? Sorry. this just overwhelms me a bit! I wish you and your children lots of love and a better perspective on what is truly of value in this life. God bless you.

Her own cell phone at the age of six! My dear the problem is not with her. The problem is with you. You are setting her up for a big fall. When she gets out into the real world she will not find everything coming to her without asking and she will have to earn it. From what you write about her she sounds like a pretty neat girl. Don't make her life hard. Prepair her for her adult life. As for the horse, she is old enough to understand that a horse could not have a happy life living in the space of a small yard.

the more you give her the more she will want. she will not see that she has more than most, just that someone has something that she doesn't. wait until she's 13 or 16, you can't imagine the things that she will try to convince you are necessities. there is a big difference in wants and needs. of course we should provide all of our kids' NEEDS, but wants have to be earned. having chores to do, and setting an appropriate allowance are very both a good start. have her use her allowance to save up for things she really wants. she will learn to appreciate the value of money more. and don't ever fall into the "i have to have (whatever designer label) no other brand will do". that will set her up to expect a life style that will be hard for her to afford when she is out on her own for the first time. many young adults get into serious credit trouble trying to maintain the "label" lifestyle they grew up with. i know she's young now, but patterns and behaviors and expectations are developed young.

Hi I.,
Hope you are well.

"I have a nine year old that says we don't give her everything."
I think when she says these things you may be able to cut the conversation a little shorter by agreeing with her. Something like "No we don't and we probably never will. Some, in fact, many things have to be earned by you directly."
You are right that she has plenty. I'm not sure if too much is right as that is a judgement. What is the right amount for one person is not for another.
The horse situation is perfect for her to learn what she has not so far. That is that some things take time - patience.
Maybe you could start by asking her how badly she wants this horse and what she is willing to do to get one. Based on that answer you can move forward. If she is determined then encourage her to develop a plan that includes raising money to buy it AND pay for stabling. Don't forget to bring up transportation to the stables and so on.
As this plan develops, she will gain a much greater understanding of everything that is involved in her seemingly simple request. You will not have said no and will not have been authoritarian. She may resist and scream and shout at some point. This is a test for you. If you concede to such disrespectful treatment, it will set the tone for the rest of your time raising your beautiful daughter.
Try to find the right balance between yes and no, knowing that in the end she benefits from a little of each.
From what you say she has already received, there is a definite risk of her becoming spoiled - meaning so used to having everything she wants when she wants it that she is not able to function well in a world that will not necessarily deliver it to her. Keep in mind that you are preparing her to live in the world and that is truly the primary responsibility of the parent. The phrase "spare the rod spoil the child" does not necessarily refer to corporal punishment, but rather to those lessons which we must teach our children despite the pain it causes us to see them struggle with the learning. That is true parental love.
One more note, love is not giving children everything they want. In fact that is more based in self love than in love for the child and is selfish. You see it is very easy to say yes and give them everything they want (when we have the means), it is much more challenging to say no and encourage independence and so many other skills.

You see you are her model for interacting with others. If she receives everything she wants from you as soon as she wants it including emotional satisfaction, she will learn to expect that from all people. This could create many conflicts in her life as she struggles to understand why others do not respond so immediately. It would be one thing if this expectation were to stay conscious, however, most expectations learned in childhood become so ingrained that we become totally unaware/unconscious of them by adulthood and continue to re-create the exact same situations and conflicts over and over again.
So you see, by saying no and helping her to understand in constructive ways, and by taking the "anger" etc that may come, you are doing her a huge favor.

BTW do not be fooled by the TAKS test. But I won't get started on all that.
Take care and good luck.
Z.

I was a single parent of a girl; it's tempting to give them lots of things. We often didn't receive child support, so my daughter knew money was limited. I taught high school for 38 years and saw how spoiled girls treated others badly.
Do you belong to a church? Sunday school lessons teach about helping those who are less fortunate. What about Girl Scouts? If neither one of those is an option, what about volunteering as a family, or just you and your 9 year old doing something like working at a food bank. If she saw some of the way other people lived, she might appreciate what she has a little more. Volunteering really helps self-esteem, too.
Please give her limits, or she will grow up to be one of those spoiled brats you read about or see on TV. (I realize she is not one now, but it's amazing how quickly that can happen.) Her job is to help around the house and get good grades if she is capable. That will benefit her in the future, so she really does not need many extra rewards for doing that. You are helping her most when she realizes that she won't always get tangible rewards in life.

Hello, this is just a little bit of advice because I see it every day of my life. As much as I hate to say this, your husband is right. If you keep giving in to your daughter, she will never appreciate anything later on in life and she will disrespect you in the long run. She knows right now that she can get everything from you and not her father. You are not helping her by spoiling her. You are hurting her in the long run. Cleaning up her room, etc are the things that children are suppose to do. Don't praise her fr that. She has to learn how to appreciate you and objects. It seems to me that you do your share at praising her. She gets her allowance. It does not hurt to praise her every now and then, like with the TAKS test and etc but not all the time where she is spoiled rotten. Have you noticed that the more that you give her the more she wants? If you dont kick it in the bud now, your other two children will be the same way. You as a parent have to set rules and she has to be disciplined. JH

I feel that you should stop spoiling her. She is going to have a rude awaking when she gets into the real world when she grows up. @ work you don't get soemthing everytime you do something good. Sometimes not even a pat on the back. Praise her for her great accomplishments with words, hugs and kisses, but buying something everytime is not good. I used to be like that at the beginning of my childrens lives, but it got to the point that everytime we went to the store, they would get something. and throw tantrums if they didn't. I finally put a stop to it and explained to them that sometimes mommy needs to get things for us to live. They have plenty of toys. And now, i am going through a divorce and really can't buy them anything. They have come to learn to appreciate what they already have. I think you might want to just slack off a little and don't give in to her. Good luck. I wish you well.

I would generally agree with your husband. Giving into her will only cause more problems down the road. My brothers didnt get a cell till they could help pay for it. My mother always said that getting good grades and helping around the house isnt a good enough reason to get things.

You probably don't want to hear this, but I agree with your husband! She will never learn to really appreciate things if she is given so much. That's wonderful she is so helpful around the house but spoiling a child is not good for them. My sister was terribly spoiled and refused to share her room or things with other children who needed them (We took in a foster child but she wouldn't let me share a room with her so I had to stay with him- I was 14 and he was 3!!) She is still a very selfish person and admits some of it is because her mom gave her everything she asked for. Even now as she nears 30 and is married with two children my mom pays off her over extended credit cards ect. She is very spoiled. It will not hurt your daughter to tell her no. How do you make her understand it? You may not be able to explain it to her, other then to say NO.

S., mom to four girls

Hi, I wanted to tell you about My children. since i had a hard life growing up and really did not have much at all very few toys no books. or anything nice. i decided to raise my kids to care about others and know right from wrong. I did not ban most movies even R movies as i was taught right from wrong and movies never influanced me. My kid's now at age 15 and 18 are good kids. daughter Graduated a year early and my son is going to 10th grade next year. they are smart dont smoke, drink, do drugs. or run the streets. i know wear they are at all times. yet I still have alot of stress from them . because i gave them almost everything in reason. they expect it now. they do work for things around the house . but my daughter does not want to work now. or go to collage. but wants everything still. she thinks she can just have a husband to take care of her, she is a bit selfish and no matter how many times i've drilled into her hear to treat others with respect. she only thinks of her own feelings, my son is a very caring child he loves everyone and cares very much. he is never mean to anyone. he also is overly spoiled and tells us we never gave him anything only his sister. he wants a go-cart its about 1500 but as he has a sega dream-cast, nintindo, Play station, X-box, x-Box 360, and bikes games skateboarding stuff, electric guitar and more stuff then he uses i dont feel he should have one. he does want to work he has one more year to be old enough. but he is als very un-thankfull. and tells us his life is horrible and we never give him anything. I was like you and gave in more then there dad. I would sugust you stop giving her so much if she wants a big gift make it one big thing for christmas or birthday or whenever you give gifts. or make her work for it so she understands its not being handed to her just because she asks . My son is learning now because now when he ask for something We tell him one area of his life he should work on and if he compleats that he can have the item he wanted. like grades or attatude or cleaning whatever. as they get older they get lazy and stop being so clean. and expect more things that cost more money. talk it over with your husband and make agreements what to do . I felt Since I was teaching them right they would be thankfull so far there not all kids are differant mine are oppisites my daughter never siad she did not have anything infact she braged about what she did have. my son was exact opisite and does not apreciate it. and both them started acting this way about 9 years old. so Good Luck i Hope everything works out for you.

DO NoT GET A HORSE!! I know someone that did because of that very reason. The little girl has nothing to do with it. The parents are responsible for feeding bathing and not to mention the stable fees.......Please research the time needed to care for a horse, it is not the same as caring for a cat or dog. My daughter grew up similar to yours she was always involved in things and makes good grades. She got almost everything she wanted (within reason)I don't think it is spoiling if they are are able to maintain the expectations you give to them.I also believe they should take care of the many things you give.

It is obvious you love your kids, but there are other ways to show that besides gifts. When she grows up she won't get everything she wants for being a good girl, she will have to know how to only get what she can afford, or she will end up not knowing how to set limits. There is no harm in helping earn or save money to buy some of those things she wants either. Good luck!

Dear Mom, It's gonna be a tough life. Your daughter is already 9 and her mind set is formed. To be certain, I know she is a very bright child and you have every reason to believe she will do well in later life. As she does grow up, what will she have to look forward to ? She will have everything without having to earn it. When the time comes, will whomever she chooses as a mate give her everything at all times without her ever having to ask for it ? See where I am going with all this ? The possibilities for her to be disappointed and unhappy as she becomes a woman are endless.

Best wishes and I hope you reach a successful decision soon.

She had a cell phone at 6?? What 6 year old needs a cell phone? I'm not dissing your child, I'm sure she is a good girl, and I know everyone parents differently, but just from the brief bit you wrote, I'm inclined to agree with your husband, your daughter is very spoiled, and it sounds like a bit of a princess, and she feels like she is entitled to things vs having to earn them. I also agree with him that she should be taught to appreciate the things she has. I like Kim G's idea of volunteering. If you don't reign her in now while she is still young, she is going to grow up expecting everything in life to be handed to her on a silver platter. A horse, is also most likely illegal if you live in the city limits, so you can just tell her that and end the argument right there. Or tell her to save up her allowance until she can afford to buy her own horse and pay for the feed, tack and stable.

It is so easy to over-indulge kids, I know, I've caught myself so many times with my visa card in my hand and had to step back and say... "what am I teaching her by doing this?" Its hard and a fine line that I don't always end up on the right side of. Best of luck to you :)

I am sorry I whole heartedly agree with your husband. As your daughter gets older it is going to be harder and harder to satisfy her wants. We all want our kids to have more or atleast as much as we did growing up, but if you continue to give her everything she will have nothing left for anyone to give her and she will never be happy with things in her life as a child or as an adult. You need to stop now before it's to late. Remember you are the adult you don't have to give her everthing she wants, it's up to you! No reasons are necessary,you are the Moma!

I agree, but more so why don't you start doing community work so she can see how muh she has and how little others have, but how happy one can be with so little. Family time together, doing crazy fun stuff, inexpensive stuff is great.

Isabell,
does your 6yr old have all the things the 9 yr old have?IF not you are setting yourself and daughters up for a world of jealousy and hate .I know i have an older sister she' lives 145 miles awhile an hates me because i still live in same town as my mom .STOP SPOILING HER your husband is right are you going to keep the silver spoon in her mouth all her life if so ,how will she ever survive in this world nomatter how smart ,you cant go to school and get her a degree ,mom grow up and tell her its time she knows what the real world is like
L.

it may sound bad but i think you are creating a monster a child needs to earn what she wants and of course understand that you cannot have a horse at home I think she is old enough to understand this kind of things.

You might show her pictures of starving children in other parts of the world, and try to instil in her some feeling for the less fortunate. Most small children are very self absorbed, and have to be trained to think of others , instead of only thinking of themself. As you know the very young only think of "me-me-me". And they are very into competing, especially with siblings, then playmates. A., mother of four/grandmother of three/greatgrandmother of three

I agree w/ Kim G. Focus on values, rather than things. The most important thing you can do is build her character, rather she likes it or not. It often doesn't feel good, but you know that is what will help her as she grows into adult hood, not how many things she has.

Also, let her work towards things so she understands the value of money. One year my daughter wanted a $200 waterslide. We sold energy drinks door to door to make enough money to buy it. She felt so proud of herself and she realized that if her dream is big enough she can do anything she puts her mind to.

You don't want your dd to be spoiled and expect that she is entitled to what you give her, but appreciate what she has and be thankful for it. Maybe she should go through her things and give them away to some other kids in need. Let her experience the power of being generous and make it become a life style, not a one time event. This has been very powerful to my kids and now when they see someone in need they choose to help them out w/o any prompting from me.

Blessings,
M.
Mom to 5 Wonderful Kids
www.4MyChildrenSake.com

I personally would make her pitch in financially with her allowance for certain things that she wants. I would stop buying for her just to buy for her. You are spoiling her when you do that. I've found myself doing the same thing. Then, they have such a ungrateful attitude. I would rather my daughter have a sweet spirit who is content with what she has than ungrateful and always needing something else. She is finding joy in things. That is a mistake. I personally would begin taking things that she already has away every time I hear her whining for something she doesn't have. And complaining about what she does have. Her character is so much more important than her desires or your desire to dote on her. Look at the big picture and what you are creating her character to be when and if hard times hit. You (and me) are actually making her weak, not strong, by doing this. Keep that in mind when you want to give in.

Sorry you are not going to like my response. I agree with your husband. If at age 9 she already has what most teenagers want - what will she want when she is a teenager. When she is an adult and does not get the job she wants, what will she think and do. NOTHING is owed to her, that is the problem with today.
I have a suggestion, find a stable that will let her work (volunteer) to help with the cleaning and feeding of the horses. Trust me that turned my daughter from wanting a horse of her own. Cleaning out the stalls is not a fun job.
Mom with 3 grown children and 1 grandchild.

I agree with you, some of us may not have had very much when we were our childrens' ages but I will tell you what we did have. We had the outdoors, we played with our friends in the yard, we had lemonade stands, went roller skating, rode bikes, made sand castles, mud pies, took nature walks, and basically stayed outside all day til our parents called us in for suppertime. In this day we have cell phones for small children, video games, computers etc etc. It doesn't always take an expensive gift to make a child happy. WE as parents need to get back to the basics of life and what true happiness is all about. (myself included) As far as the good grades and good deeds; in my house those things are expected..........at least our 9 year old has to give it her best shot. Whether it's an 75 or 95, we've always told her if she's giving it her best, it is good enough for us. But that is her duty. Allowance, I believe should only be given to children who go above and beyond THEIR chores.........cleaning their rooms is part of their responsibility and though they are shown appreciatation, it is their job to do without expecting allowance for it. Maybe you could take your daughter to the caring place and show her where less fortunate children need to go. Then go home and ask her what she can give up for someone else. Twice a year we take our girls with a load of their toys/clothes to the caring place and they love it! On the horse situation, we have horses and maybe if your 9 year old knew the care that goes along with them she might change her mind. Our 9 year old has a horse (she takes riding lessons and this is her passion/sport) however, we have to go to the lease 5 times a week and SHE grooms her horse, cleans the feet, the mane/tail, feeds, exercises in the round pen etc etc and this process takes about 1 hour each trip. They are a lot of work and responsibility for sure! I know you want to give your children everything, but everything they need doesn't always mean expensive gifts........good luck!! I have been in your shoes so I hope this helps.......
B.

I understand the feeling of wanting to give our kids everything.
You have to balance that along with the ideals of just because we can afford to do it,doesn't mean we HAVE to do it.
My kids (daughter is 11 and in 6th grade, my son is 6 and in 1st grade)have a lot of "things" ( DS ,wii cell phone and desiger purses for my daughter).
When they get a spoiled attitude we take those things away.
I feel like it's ok to spoil a child as long as the child doesn't act like a spoiled brat. when the attitude happens then the spoiling stops.
It's tough love! Good luck

Stop spoiling her. You are runing her future life. I have employees that can not keep a job because they are so spoiled. You need to grow up yourself. I hate to be so hard on you, but somebody needs to wake you up.

Hi, I.. I recommend you pick up a copy of a book that is called "The Epidemic: The Rot of American Culture, Absentee and Permissive Parenting, and the Resultant Plague of Joyless, Selfish Children" by Robert Shaw, M.D. Sometimes it is not pleasant to read because you find yourself in there - he's talking about me! I do that with my kids! Uh-oh...better stop now before they turn into something I'm not proud to say I raised! I taught and counseled middle school kids for 8 years and have seen children like your daughter...and their miserable parents who won't stand up to their kids and tell them no or set limits at all. You have to break this cycle! Easier to do now than a few more years down the road. Remember, you are not your child's FRIEND - she has plenty of those and they come and go. You are one of only two people in this entire world who is a PARENT to her - so be one! She needs you to parent her! I wish you well. Rough days ahead once you buckle down to break these bad habits, but benefits in the long term are so worth it. Keep your eyes on how you want her to be in 20 years. And pray, pray, pray for strength to be the parent she needs you to be. She will thank you for it eventually because she'll be proud of who she is.

yes this maybe late but i agree with your husband.. make her appriciate what she gets... and not be ungrateful for what she does recieve later in life... children should learn to appriciate what they have and what they get... and rewards for what children are suppose to do... they learn to expect rewards for everything.. and life just does not work that way..and she lives in that house.. if she is part of the family she should help.... do you Momma get rewards for say washing dishes? clothes? vaccummeing? no because, life does not work that way... too many children now aday are being coddled and treated like the are so fragile.. which they are not they are very rizilliant.

I certainly don't have all the answers but it sounds like your daughter has developed a sense of entitlement--that you owe her things. You don't! There is a great book in the "Love and Logic" series about entitlement. Maybe you should read it.

I hate to say it, but it sounds like she is very spoiled. A 6 year old does not need a cell phone. And if she gets an allowance now is the perfect time to teach her money managements skills. If she wants something, she can pay for it herself. My eight year old wanted an XBox so he saved his allowance and bought it himself. He also buys all of his games. You are not doing your daughter any favors by giving her what she wants even if you can afford it.

If you want to give your daughter something invaluable, teach her compassion and empathy. Have her volunteer at a shelter or on some kind of community project. She may be very helpful around the house and get good grades, but she is 9; that is what she is supposed to do.

Well, it sounds like you have already spoiled this child to the point she now EXPECTS everything she requests. You need to teach this child the value of money.

Hi I..
Your daughter is so lucky. There are so many kids out there that don't even have new clothes or new toys- they only have what is donated to them, or handed down to them.
Take your daughter to work in a food pantry or volunteer at the Salvation Army. She will learn to appreciate what she has.
My kids sometimes get that way and we go volunteer to make sandwiches for the Mobile Loaves & Fishes truck at Church, or we work in the food pantry. The kids help hand out food to people that are working, but still not making enough to feed their families. They see the look on their faces when they hand them food and it brings them a little humility right away.
Also, we have a system of earning in our house. You need to teach kids to EARN what they have, or as adults they will not be hard workers. Sure, you daughter is smart and well behaved at school. But is she working hard, or does that come easy for her? I can't imagine why a 6 year old needs a cell phone- although I can see it for a 9 to 10 year old. I'm sure you have your reasons. But what did she do to earn it? Have her do things to earn the minutes for the phone... like once a month collecting toys in her room for the needy. Or doing a canned food drive amongst your friends for the hungry. She needs to know that not everyone has what she has. And some people, no matter how hard they work, may never have what she has as a 9 year old. She can collect old cell phones for the battered women's shelter. She can collect stuffed animals for children in hospitals in Iraq. There is so much you can instill in her and still manage to give her things that you think she has earned.
The best way to make her appreciate what she has is to show her those that don't have it. Plus, I can honestly say that there is nothing in life more rewarding than giving a hungry person some food. No object can give you that kind of fulfillment.
Good luck,
L.

You are setting yourself up for more heartache and trouble if you don't STOP giving her everything. You have two more children who are learning how to manipulate you by watching her. The six year old will be complaining that you love the older more because she gets everything. By the time the baby is two years old, that child will have learned to expect everything. You better listen to your husband. Children do not need everything that they think they want. You answered you question when you said that you thought she had too much. She will never be prepared for the real world if this continues. Do you get everything you want at home or work?

Stop giving your daughter "stuff" when you want to show her your affection and give her the gift of yourself. Your time, kind words, tickets to "one-on-one" time with mom, etc. are the ways to show our children how much we love them, appreciate their helpfulness, or are proud of their school accomplishments. And turn the conversations to ask her about how she feels about herself as well. If she only feels good about her high achievments after receiving material gifts, she's missing out on a healthy part of growing a child's self esteem.
I know how good it feels to give our kids fun stuff, but they need more time and just plain love. Make a new plan with a family meeting (sounds like your husband will be on board) and let your daughter continue to earn incentives through good grades or chores or whatever you all decide to do, but cut back a bit or you'll be buying her a car before she's old enough to drive it! ;) If she can pick a way to give back to the community a little she might act less spoiled and be more greatful for what she has as well. Donate to the needy, deliver Meals on Wheels as a family, gather things for the children's shelter like blankets and toys. Make your changes together as a family and you will grow stronger, even if it's hard at first. Remember, you can't spoil a child with too much love and good emotional connection!

I know this is late, but I thought I would give you my thoughts:

Personally, I would make her work for her allowance, not just get it. Since she already works around the house, there is not a reason she shouldn't learn about money. And now is the perfect time to start teaching her. My six year old girls get $5/week (I realize this sounds like a lot, but keep reading). They have three envelopes in which to put this money into every week. The first is a savings envelope ($2), the second the third is for charity ($1), and is for spending ($2), If they lose any money during the week, the first and second (savings & charity) envelopes get their money and whatever is left over is for spending. On top of this, my kids can earn extra money throughout the week for extra work. For example, one of daughters wants a Nintendo DS. I have agreed to go in on half of it, however, she is responsible for saving the other half (this includes half of the tax). She is saving her $4/week + whatever savings she already has + doing extra work to get to this goal. At this rate, she will have earned the Nintendo in about another two months. This teaches her not only good money managing skills, but to also appreciate the things she has earned.

What your child...and all children need is LOVE...nothing else will ever fill that gap in any way...but they will try to fill their need for love with things as long as you're willing to go along with it. I have 4 children and we've been around this block a few times. What I have found is that children are happiest when they get a lot of personal time and when they know exactly where the boundaries are. The more a child is allowed to push an issue the more insecure they become...and the more demanding...because in the back of their little mind there is the question "do they love me enough to restrain me?" Don't allow this little one to be the boss of anything...not her bedtime, not her friends, not her t.v. time, not the computer, not ANY cell phone...LOVE her with your actions and take away the things that make her think she's only loved if she has MORE. THEN, when she has begun to understand that she is really safe in that love you have for her...start adding those extras in slowly...and take them away when she starts getting confused again. IT is very hard to do, but the self control and the learning of what is truly LOVE will be timeless gifts to her in the end. When my sons start doing this kind of thing we usually start by limiting T.V. and video games...ONE TIME a WEEK...we make Friday night our big FUN night and they get to do all that stuff they were taking for granted and starting to DEMAND. If they continue we start taking toys and other things (not everything) and putting them away for a while...to be used as a reward or special treat...and slowly re-introduce these things. YOU will find her angry and shocked at you at first, but replace those things with special times together...go to a park with friends, find a game to play together, tell her stories about your life, teach her how to cook her favorite cookies...it DOES WORK!!! AND always let her know that TRUE LOVE doesn't allow another person to hurt and damage themselves in any real way...and that her discontent all the time shows you that she is being hurt by all the special extras in her life.

I have a house rule about luxury items. When new things come into the house old things go out. This is recycling and evolution. Every brithday, Christmas, Valentines etc... before the holiday, I have kids round up a certain number of items to be taken to charity. I then go through and throw out items that can't be donated and throw them out. This frees up the clutter and creates a space for any new items. It also teaches my children that they can't have everything. Also, I have my kids participate in charity events like feeding the homeless through our church. They see people who are less fortunate than we are. When my children act up, they know that their luxury items are taken away. My daughter at age 3 decided to test her dad against the house rules and in two weeks all her toys were removed from her room, her animals gone, her games & videos -- gone too. She was left with her bed, clothes, a handful of books, and Bell her night time doll. Her entire room was empty because she wanted to sass me and her dad and we weren't going to allow it. After 4 days of having nothing to play with and being put in time out every time she sassed us, she realized that we were in control and that was not going to change. She apologized and began using her manners and she has earned all her things back. She now knows those things are hers because of her choices. She like everyone else in the world has to do their part if they want anything. Find a way to teach your daughter please, she will be a better person for it.

I agree w/your husband,you should make her appreciate the things she has.Who gives a nine year old a phone.Not unless your letting her go out at that age or your not sure were shes at.make her use the house phone.Sounds like you are spoiling her to the point when she ask for things your willing to just give them to her.
Great she makes good grades, praise her instead,make her a dinner of her choice, not show her that when she does good, what should be expected from anyone that you'll be their to reward her w/material things.Children do grow up and what if you cant meet her wants then?And even if you can what if her man that she falls in love can't provide everything mommy could.What favor do you think your doing for that person?At the end shes the one thats going to have to grow up and live independently.

How great it must be to have a child who is helpful around the house, gets good grades and does well on the TAKS. I would suggest rewarding her for those things differently. Don't just give her everything she wants. I think it is great that you are able to do so, but one day you might not be able to and then what? Plus, by giving her everything she wants because you can sets other people, who may come into her life, up for failure. What happens when she is older and is dating a guy who is perfect in everyway except he can't give her everything money can buy? She will always want more. One reason she may have a hard time understanding not being able to get a horse is she got everything else she wanted so why not this?
It is hard as a parent to not spoil our children. we want to give them everything we didn't have and then some. I struggle with this at times too. Sometimes it is Okay to give in to our children's wants but it is also very important to teach them the value of working and saving. best of luck.

I only have a baby so I am not quite there yet. But I do have my experience with spoiled friends. Being spoiled is not something you outgrow, and it is not cute as an adult. (come meet my 31 yr old friend, her mother still buys her designer things and she expects a lot from people)

The two things that I would do are 1. Make the allowance something she has to earn, set up a list of chores that you expect her to do and how much you will pay for each one, then when she wants something she can spend money that she had to earn on the item. That should make her think twice about something when she knows it didn't come so easily. Second I would take her to get involved in some kind of charity, homeless shelter or something that is kid oriented, it will serve two purposes, giving back to the community and learning to feel good by helping others and also allow her to see how good she really has it compared to children who have next to nothing. Good luck!

Find a volunteer opportunity that will show her what it's like for people who don't have anything (Mobile Loaves and Fishes, etc). Find her books on poverty, show her footage of people suffering in places like Myanmar or China. Also, give her some tough love and explain to her that people don't give handouts when you're an adult. I firmly believe that teaching this lesson to her now will make her a better person in this world. As a parent, you have to be tough on them and teach them that what they have is a privledge and that they shouldn't expect it.

Come on now, why does a 6 yr old need a cell phone, except for you to tell her to come in the house. Your going to have to wake up or you are going to have a teenage daughter who is very uncontent. When you have to much it is confusing. I've saw where kids are much more happier having a few things then a bunch of things because its overwhelming what to choose to play with. Teach her to have family time or again you are going to have a teenager who stays out with friends always wanting and wanting but always empty inside. When your trying to make her happy,secure and well adjusted its actually doing the opposite. Trust me my oldest daughter is that person it didn't start out with material things it started because she's an straight A student and I parented out of guilt especially after the divorce. Guilt from doing without for so long and guilt for always being dragged in the middle and the divorce and the neglect of her father. Anyway she has a really great boyfriend right now thats showing her that you don't need material things to be happy, and to think I raised her in church and he's never gone till he met her. We all want the very best for you and your daughter so please act on this info that others have given you as well. Reward her by allowance and pay. Give her something to look forward to, and be able to dream and plan not have everything given to her. I onced was concerned that I couldn't get my daughter a car paid and then she could concentrate on school when it came down to it she didn't want to go to school and she would manipulate the reason why and I'd feel guilty but you know what if she wanted to go bad enough she'd would have helped me find scholarships and stuff and really and truly she is more appreciative now that she is paying the car herself. She has had two cars traded the first one in and the truth is if I would have gave her one and paid for it she probally would have traded it in and had a car note anyway. Now she sees how hard everything is and wants to pay off her car and concentrate on school instead of a few hours here and there like she's been doing. She even made a 2000.00 commission at her job and put it towards the car. I thought about helping her out then reality struck when she got very ugly acting one day and I said no she still is just spoiled for me doing everything for her. I want to be able to hang out with her without her just wanting me to get something for her. Not now though so she is 20 and I wish I would have nipped it in the budd when she was 11 when it all started up until our divorse she just liked being around me now she resents me.

I have to agree with your husband, you are spoiling your daughter. I have one daughter who is 12 years old. She doesn't have a cell phone. Don't get me wrong, my daughter is a good girl, keeps up with grades, and helps around the house as well. I believe that children should learn to appreciate the things that is given to them. If you get her a horse, then she will want something else. It never ends. When my daughter was younger, I bought her lots of things - from toys, to movies, to expensive clothes. She was never satisfied. My husband was like your husband, he loved her very much but we had to stop buying things and let her earn it by getting involve with the church. We went to Mission trips to Mexico. She saw what it was like for a lot of children who lived in cardboard houses. She learn a lot from the Mission trips and helping me at the church. My daughter donated some of her (never used) clothes and toys to the church for the next Mission trip. Don't get me wrong, she still complains about not having a cell phone (pre-teenager- they gotta talk to the friends)but my daughter doesn't complain as much like before.

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