9 Year Old Son Has a 10 Year Old"girlfriend" That Calls Him Several Times a Day!

I would treat it like any other friendship. What are your rules for letting him go to functions with friends? Do you need to meet the parents first? If so, arrange it. If it were me I would ask to meet the mom for coffee or lunch so we could get to know each other, and than I would let my son go to the function and have fun.

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Your husband is thinking about this from a teenager's perspective - like when he was dating.

This is different. These are children.

This little girl is being just as aggressive with your husband as she is with your son, and you need to put your foot down. She is practicing on your son, so I would not expect it to fizzle out over the summer. Your son may end up getting very hurt over this, and it is far too early in his life to go through this.

No more than one phone call a day, J.. This time YOU have the conversation with her. Tell her that she and your son are too young to be boyfriend and girlfriend. They can only be friends. And they may talk for 20 minutes once a day. Tell her that he may not come over - it's too soon for that too.

The reason I am saying to nip this in the bud is that there doesn't seem to be a group involved in this. Groups of kids getting together is what kids this age and even older need before pairing off.

If you don't do this, he will learn too much too soon, and you won't be able to slow it down. Kids want to "try" what they see others do, and that is really what this girl is doing. You don't need for your son to be trying anything right now.

Your husband doesn't get to make the rules on this, J.. You do. You are the one staying home with your son and you'll be dealing with this girl. Put your foot down.

Good luck,
D.

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Why not take the initiative and call this girl's parents yourself? They might not have a clue what their daughter has been doing.

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I would limit the phone calls, with all friends. Ask your son what he feels about this. Check in with her parents to see if they know about this. Other than that, I think this is fairly harmless at this age. But I would want to set some rules.

And, no, the average age for having sex is NOT 12, LOL! It is 17.3.

Here's the report that shows the data: http://www.newstrategist.com/productdetails/Sex.SamplePgs...

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Sit your son down and ask him what he thinks it means to have a "girlfriend." You might be surprised when he talks about how she's his close friend and they sit together at lunch and things like that. Chances are it's not as serious as you're thinking it is. (Meaning it's not a relationship in the true sense that a boyfriend and girlfriend would be....does that make sense?)

If you're bothered by all the phone calls, I would tell the girl next time she calls that she can only call once a day between certain hours.

Good luck!

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9 and 10?
I don't think it's cute - more like obnoxious.
At 9 my son still thought girls had cooties.
He's 12 now and talks to a few girls but can't stand the ones who scream over nothing, deal in constant drama, surround themselves in pink or try to act older than they are.
He'd hate it if anyone was calling him all the time.
I'd be inclined to talk to the girls mother and ask her to tell her daughter that calling once or twice a week is enough.
My son isn't allowed to date till he's 16 and so far he's not at all interested in it.

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It seems like you are reacting without knowing the girl or her family, and as you said, this is your first child and only son so of course you're concerned. But honestly at this age I'm sure it's innocent. My youngest daughter had boy "friends" through fifth grade.
Why don't you at least invite the girl over and get to know her before making judgement? Maybe she is aggressive and NOT someone you want your son to spend time with but it seems unfair to label her as trouble without at least giving her a shot.
And your husband clearly has a double standard when it comes to his son vs. his daughters, that's gonna cause trouble later on.
Oh, and contrary to what a previous poster said, the average age the American teen loses their virginity is 16 to 17 (varies somewhat by region/economy) NOT 12!!! I have two teens and am part of the parent education program and I can tell you these statistics are very current and accurate, and easy enough to look up online.

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I would treat this like any other friendship. They are 9 and 10! I really doubt this little girl is some she-tiger out to snare your son. More likely, she is just innocently unaware of how her actions seem to you. My daughters have friends who seem to have more access to the phone than they should, and in those cases, I have simply called the parents of these children and explained that due to homework, ballet lessons, family dinner, etc, my girls can really only take phone calls between 6-7pm, and they are only allowed to be on the phone for 20 minutes. In all cases, this has proven effective - most of the time, the other kids turn out to have phones in their rooms and the parents aren't aware they've been calling so often. So, I'm sure if you reach out to the other parents, that will solve the calling-all-the-time issue!

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Well, I have a son. He has always had girls who are friends. His sister is 10 years older so he was raised around girls. My daughter always had boys who were friends so my son was exposed to that dynamic as well.
However, there have definitely been some little girls that I've run off because they were clearly too what I call, eager, wanting boyfriends and to be "going out" in the 3rd grade. Like I said, my son had lots of girls who were friends and it was easy to tell the difference between the friends and the girls who were being a little too forward. My son wasn't comfortable around the "forward" girls so that was also a signal to me.
Anyway, as far as who would allow girls to act that way? Lots of parents think it's innocent and cute. When my daughter was in the 3rd grade, other moms literally told me that their daughter was "going out" with this person or that person. The teacher was trying to discourage it because they were holding hands at recess and lunch, putting their arms around each other. But, if you can believe it, the moms were in a tizzy and even went to the principal because they felt it wasn't the teacher's business and it wasn't fair to make the kids sit at different lunch tables, not sit by each other in class, etc. I wanted nothing to do with that bandwagon. Not to mention the fact that the girls were "going out" with this boy one week and another one the next.
I think for now, I would tell my son that the answer to the invitation is no. You don't know the parents. And, if the mom calls, I would tell her you were a little taken aback by the girl referring to herself as your son's girlfriend. See what she says. If she gushes that she thinks it's so cute, that might help you with your summing up the situation. She also may be a good mom who doesn't realize her daughter thinks she has a "boyfriend".
There is NOTHING wrong with boys and girls being friends. But relationship drama at 9? Absolutely no way. At least not for me. It's way too soon to start with those headaches.
Talk to your son about what he thinks "boyfriend/girlfriend" means. It's kind of odd for a 9 year old boy to have to say it, but "I'm not allowed to have a 'girlfriend' yet" isn't a bad thing for him to know and/or say. It might stop some of the phone calls.
Of course, not giving out his number and not answering will also work.

Best wishes.

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What are your warning bells telling you: that they are going to go off and have sex somewhere at the family function?? The "romance" between a 9 and 10 year old is usually pretty innocent. Maybe she meant girl-friend? Friend who happens to be a girl?

I think it's healthy to teach kids that they can be friends with the opposite sex, not give your son the unspoken message that girls = sex, and apparently only sex, which is the message you would be giving by disallowing this harmless outing.

As suggested below, I think you should treat her as you would any other friend of your son, and let him go to the function.

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Just remember that it isn't unheard of for a 10-year-old to be menstruating. And now days, thanks to the American diet, it isn't all that uncommon, either. Need I say more?

If you are having warning bells, then you need to either nip it in the bud, or put some serious limits on the girl time because once you open *this* door there won't be any closing it, and the issues WILL get more complicated.

I agree, too many parents are letting their kids do too much at too early of an age. Physical maturity and psychological maturity make things very complicated as well. In the big scheme of things, the best course of action is to first abide by *your* moral standards, not that of the girl and her parents. If you think children shouldn't be "dating" in grade school (and now days, when kids say dating, they mean "dating") then you need to talk to your son now, and set limits.

Even if you are comfortable with this girl and your son dating, it is still very wise to meet her parents and discuss rules and boundaries with all parties (including the girl's parents) involved. You may find your standards, vary greatly from those of the girl's parents.

Short of a group situation like a birthday party or something like that, I know no daughter of ours would ever be allowed to have a "date" at that age! I think it's totally inappropriate for their age. It's not like they can get married anytime soon. And what sort of message does it send to the two children? I say, it is very important to find out how her parents view this whole thing, and consider how that will impact your son and your family dynamics as a whole.

Second, take into account your son's maturity and temperament. She may be a little more worldly than your son. Do you want her educating him? Or do you want things to progress at his own pace? If she's calling and already smothering him at so young an age, this probably isn't a good idea. He may be totally looking at this innocently enough, but it may be only a matter of time before some friends or she are putting other "ideas" in his head before he's old enough to deal with what comes with those ideas.

With that said..10 is really young. You've still got 7 more years before the kid can drive. To me this is too soon. My 9-year-old still watches cartoons, and prefers playing with Legos and climbing his jungle gym. I'd flip if I found out he was talking about "dating." What's he going to do? Take her out for dinner and movie with his $5 allowance? Probably not without one of us. What on earth could she have to say calling that many times a day? They see each other at school, don't they? I say too much time spent together is a recipe for devilment. They're kids! Keep em that way for a while. Ugh.

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Well, at 9 and 10, it's not like they'd be going on an unsupervised date. I'd treat it like any other friend. Would you allow him to go on a family outing with a friend who was a boy, whose parents you had never met? I would make the same rules apply at this age (and my kids are both older than your oldest so I've been through this stage already). This is how kids are now, some kids anyway. Gender roles are not as defined, and apparently kids don't think the other gender has cooties like when I was that age LOL

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OK, may be innocent as some are saying, but she is being way too aggressive and i would be mortified if my daughter did this. "Just friends" is a two way street and she shouldn't be doing all the calling. So I think she is thinking "girlfriend", not friend who happens to be a girl.

I think you're handling it right, not to make a big deal, treat it like they're just friends, control it as best you can and hope it fizzles. Maybe one of you can have a talk with him about what does she mean when she says you're her "boyfriend".

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I'd get call waiting and not answer the phone when she calls. I don't believe in kids being on the phone all the time. Even if a girl was calling my daughter that much I would just say she's too busy to speak right now. My daughters generally don't even like chatting on the phone.
I don't think it's cute at all. What are that girl's parents thinking? Doesn't she have a more productive way to spend her time at this age? The key though is whether your son welcomes it. If he enjoys chatting with her on the phone then this might be more difficult but I'd bet he probably has other things he'd rather be doing!

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Considering the average age for a child to have sex these days is 12, I wouldn't be letting him go on the family outing with her (and remember, "average" means there are still kids younger than 12 having sex). Then again, I wouldn't let my children go to someone's house I've never met, regardless. If that's a rule of yours too, then you have an easy out at least for the family function.

I second Jubee. I'd call the girl's parents myself and talk to them.

I might set some more ground rules the next time the girl calls ("Johnny can't come to the phone right now. Can you call back tomorrow around 3pm?". "Johnny can only be on the phone with you every other day").

Then I would sit down with my son, explain sex to him (if you haven't already), and explain to him that he's not permitted to have a girlfriend at his age. Talk to your husband and find out what age the BOTH of you feel is appropriate for girlfriends, and let your son know that's when he'll be able to have a girlfriend.

EDIT:
I should have said 12 is the average age for their first sexual encounter. I've personally known 12 year olds who have had intercourse. Growing up (yeaaaars ago), my best friend lost her virginity at 11 1/2; to a boy that was 10.

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I wouldn't trust this girl at all. The reality for us moms with boys is that we are going to have to keep a close eye on their relationships with girls. These little girls are more promiscuous and bold than ever and the second that little princess doesn't like what our sons do (which there is a good chance she has led him to do) the blame is placed on our sons...with possible life altering effect. I will tell teach my boys at an early age about the unfair ways that a girl can ruin their lives possibly and teach them what tricks to watch out for.

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I would definitely talk to/meet the parents of this girl and get their thoughts on the situation. For the most part what JL has said makes sense. If you don't feel comfortable have a conversation with your son and nip it. How does your son feel about all this "attention?" I have a 3 year old son and your post scares me to death! If I were you, I would only allow public "meetings" and that's only if I felt comfortable that her parents wouldn't allow them to sneak off alone. If not, then no way! He is FAR too young to be learning about the ways of a relationship and he may not realize what he's gotten into so it's your job to "protect" him.

My thoughts too were that if he's learning things from this girl where does he go from here? I'm probably naive, but I want to wait as long as possible to muck up my son's life with sexual relationships (not that she's going to teach him that now), but the bar will have been set for future relationships if she teaches him anything. Good luck and please let us know how it goes!

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My 10y has a 'girlfriend' at school that is in his class. They don't call each other outside of school, so ...

If she did happen to call and invite him somewhere, I would probably let him go if it were for an hour or two.

M.

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definitely talk to your little guy about it.
ask him what a boyfriend and girlfriend do, why is it different, etc. then explain to him your own beliefs about relationships with other kids, especially girls!
i dont see a problem with having a best friend that is a coed, but if it really is more than friends, like kissing, then yeah, that isnt appropriate at that age. im sure you knew that! its the mothers instinct!

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First off, I think you need to take a moment and remember that this is a 10 year old LITTLE GIRL you are talking about, not some skanky she-devil who is out to steal your sons innocence!

Some of these comments... good lord it is disturbing to think about how cruel some of you must be.

J., let me ask you a few questions:

You say you have set ground rules, you didn't say that this young girl has ignored them correct?

She invited your son to a FAMILY function, not some kind of one on on activity with just your son correct?

So what exactly has this poor child done that is so horrible? [I know you haven't said she's done anything horrible, it's some of these comments that just jump to trash a little kid...]

Do you remember what it was like to be that age & like a boy? I sure do, and I know that my intentions were nothing but innocent. It's already hard enough for kids to figure out these new feelings and emotions, don't make this little girl feel like she's doing something wrong just because she likes your son.

Give her a chance before you judge her. Call her parents, make sure they know what your rules and expectations are, and how about this - if you want a chance to feel out the situation a bit more, why not have your son invite her over for lunch or dinner? That way they get a chance to play & you can keep an eye on how things go, plus when you sit down to eat, you can take that time to get to know her better!