8Th Grade Girl Trying Out for Sports and Not Making It. Selfesteem Issues.

It's a hard situation your daughter is in. I remember being a teen and getting my heart broken over a similar issue--my younger sister made the dance team and I didn't. Anyways, I actually spoke to the dance teacher myself--my mom didn't swoop down to save me and it never occurred to me that she would. My conversation with the dance teacher did NOT change the results. However hard it is to accept, sometimes we simply aren't skilled enough at something. It's a part of the real world, getting turned down for your dream job that you feel so qualified for, etc. Unfortunately we get turned down and don't always excel at what we want to excel at, or even if we do people don't always recognize it. If you really think the coach should be talked to, I really really recommend having your daughter have that conversation with the coach herself, with you there for support if need be. The coach will admire her and take her seriously if she has the courage to ask him herself what she can do to improve.

So, as difficult as it is, I really recommend letting her fight her own battles herself. Be careful about blaming it on the coaches, even if it may be true, and try to point out other areas in which she has excelled. And really focus on her character--things she can control like how much effort she puts into things, versus the results she achieves (i.e. making the team in this instance). She will feel more secure if she realizes that all you expect of her is best effort.

If you go in to fix everything for her, you may not only be taking away a valuable life lesson for her--we don't always get what we want--but even worse you'll send her the message that you don't think she's capable of handling this. I think swooping in to save her as if she can't handle disappointment will damage her self-esteem more than anything else, especially if it's perpetuated in other areas of life. Be compassionate, loving, empathetic, but let her experience this struggle and express the confidence in her ability to handle this heartache. As a mother, this has to be killing you and I'm so sorry you have to watch your daughter be in this pain. Is there another activity she'd be interested in doing this year instead, preferably not competitive and not at the school?

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C.,

I am a club volleyball coach, have been for the past 14 years. A coach picks a team not soley based on the best 12 players. There are several roles that need to be filled and several qualities that are more desirable than athletic skill. I would contact the coach and ask what your daughter needs to improve on to make next years team. I would be shocked if the coach picked the team based on who is friends with whom. MOST importantly, as a society we place too much self value on things like making a team, winning games (even if it means only 6 girls play), making sure our kids are perceived as "winners", etc. Those are just "puff pieces" of self esteem. The real building blocks of self esteem are how we rise above a given situation and become a better person/volleyball player/friend. Talk to your daughter about what she needs to do to improve her self for next year. Ranting and raving that it's not fair that she didn't make the team will not help her. Be supportive but encourage her to look into her strengths and weaknesses and improve on her weaknesses. And not just volleyball skills, is she a good listener, does she follow directions, is she a "hussler", does she give 100% all the time, does she give excuses, how well does she follow instructions, does she have an attitude - all those, and many more, go into picking a team. I know what I am suggesting is not easy to do, but it will help build a good foundation for her little girl to grow into a stong woman.

I would be happy to give you advice on volleyball clubs in your area if you are looking into them. Our season starts sometime in October.

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Find out the criteria needed to get on the team - not the clique crietria, but the skills criteria. That way you know if your daughter has all the needs to be on the team regarding the sport.

You really never know how much time another child has put into training or how good they are unless you were able to see the entire tryouts - and that might be an idea - for you to physically be at the tryouts to see if the other kids are actually better at the sport than your daughter. She may be great and working hard - but someone else might just be a bit better.

Lastly, things happen for a reason. Her not making the team can be for her own safety - or to protect her from all the girls in this clique. I personally would rather have my daughter hurt by the incident once by not making the cut than attacked in the future for any mild infraction or error that might occur during a match. Them blaming her for a loss that she didn't cause on a regular basis could be worse than just not being on the team.
She may just be better off not being involved with some of these kids and do the sport for the fun of it.

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How interesting...almost the same thing happened to my niece at a Christian School. Yes, I do believe there are clicks and I feel like a lot of times the parents instigate it. If she loves cheer and volleyball she should stick with it no matter what...I know there are other organizations outside school that are competitive and fun. Also, she may want to explore the possibility of trying other things that interest her that don't interest those particular friends (drama, tennis, student council etc...) Are those girls still nice to her or do they leave her out? Don't let her give up...just help her find her niche...You would think at a Christian school it would be different, but my experience has taught me that sometimes the whole click thing is worse.

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I agree with those who said to talk to the coach. He/she may be able to let you know what they're looking for. Ask for specifics. If you're not satisfied with the response you receive, then I'd talk to the principal. (In my opinion, if you don't talk to the coach first, the principal will be more apt to think you're just going over the coach's head to get your daughter on the team)

Please don't let her give up. I too (my eldest son) and another young man who is playing for a local High school JV football team and just yesterday was replaced by a young gentleman that was demoted from the varsity team. But I have had a long talk with him about it. He also seems like he wasn't doing hard enough if he was replaced in a heart beat.

First of all, you must talk to the coach, with your daughter, and get pointers (an evaluation) of where she could impove even ask if he does private coaching (or a recommendation) to show your child's desire and determination. A lot of time the girls that make one team make them all. They are known as the athletes. The coaches have seen them play year after year and know that they can count on them for performance and endurance and attendance. (there are of course politics too-- I know my youngest just has to show up and he's made the team...an older sibling star athlete does help)These girls usually have been doing "club" teams for years. You mentioned YMCA team in last summer, mutiply that by 4 seasons over 3 years. It does make a difference as you know with gymnastics. Practicing as least 4 X a week nearly year round shows and gives the girls the confidence. Yes cheerleading involves a lot of gynmastics but it also requires dance technique. Unfair as it is usually whoever made the team the year before makes the team again and that leaves only a few spots for a large competitive #. It middle school, the hardest thing is making the team. So if the coach knows you and sees how you play in game situations, experiences your attitude...
volleyball is quite competitive in phoenix. My daughter would only do club during that season because she knew there were too many yearround girls doing volleyball and softball. She hadn't started volleyball until grade 4 but played baseball (then softball) since grade 1.i pushed her to try out for varsity softball in 7th grade. She showed up, coach said "all you that didn't make the team are automatically on "JV". She got lucky, right place right time. none of her friends made JV and the next year she was automatically on varsity. all the kids played similarly. Now as a freshman she will do "girls lacrosse". it is not offered at her high school but the beautiful thing about the sport is that all the girls in phoenix train together. www.azgl.com the chaparral high school coach, jessica livingston, holds clinics and a fall ball program that teaches the sport. As a new sport in AZ 7th and 8th grade girls can try out for high school girls lacrosse. unfortunately for my daughter, no school near us has girls LAX (except xavier--and you have to go there to play) but we will drive if she makes the team. Either way, all the girls are great and it is a neat "family" experience.

If it was me I would bring it up to the principle. If its happening to your daughter how many other girls is it happening to also?? In the mean time theres other things out there,like we have our 12yr. old daughter in Pop Warner Cheer. Their alot better with personal attenion than schools anyway and way more organized!
I played basketball from 4th grade to high school and i see a huge difference.

Hi C.
wow that sounds awful i am sorry sometimes those clicks are strongest in the private schools. Yes I would talk to the coach because if you dont stick up for your daughter, who will? I wouldn't call it being a sore loser just ask the coach what she needs to work on so she may have a better chance next year. Is she athletic? or do you really think that its a popularity thing?

Hi,
It's very difficult to watch your daughter go through these things. I'd probably stay out of it because that will put more pressure on her. My daughter went through this, trying out for cheer and basketball and never making it until she went to high school and became a mat maid (wrestling cheerleader).
I'm guessing that one thing making this situation worse is that it's a Christian school where you would hope these situations wouldn't happen. The thing to remember there is that we are all sinners and fall short of what we're supposed to be. We just keep trying to get better. Some of us do better than others. I guess what I'm trying to say, is it would be easy to lose your faith over this, but all we can do is the best we can do and not let what others do or don't do get in the way.
Love,
E.

talk to the coach. Avoid personal attacks. keep it a "I really want to help my daughter... what was it that you noticed...what types of things should she work on..." type on conversation and be open to any suggestions or comments. I hope I don't offend you when I say, perhaps there is something your daughter didn't share with you. (perhaps she was late or disrespectful or didn't have a good attitude due to the previous failure) If you do not get a response from the coach, then contact the principle. if you contact them first, they'll just tell you to talk with the coach anyway.

btw Michael Jordon didn't make his collge team the first time he tried out, he just practiced harder.

Hi there,
My daughter is 13, and been playing basketball since the 3rd grade. She also is in volleyball this year and extremly active in school. I do know coaches. Yes, there is a click, but usually the coaches are there to win games. No one likes to have a loosing season. Especially coaches. I would say that no, the daughter of the coach is probably not able to pick friends for the team, and yes, the kids of coaches do get to be on the team, but that doesn't mean they are not good. In fact, I have found that the kids of coaches are very good, and disciplined. The discipline, and the willingness to learn, is also on a coaches agenda. They will usually take someone who listens and is "coachable" vs. someone who is good, but not improving because they don't listen. I have had my daughter sit the bench for a whole game, not playing good enough, but that made her understand that you have to work hard for what you want in life. And for me that is a great lesson learned. Just because she didn't make the team doesn't mean she is a quitter. Don't push so hard, and if her click is really cheerleading or volleyball, then she will get her chance. Just make sure she listens with an open mind. Also, on your part, you could volunteer to help the coach, or help with cheerleading to get to know the people, and that always gets a leg up... plus they may have some tips for you to help your daughter improve for next try-out. And when she does make the team, it will be that much sweeter for her because she had to work so hard for it! Good Luck, and don't be discouraged!!

I would go to the coach and say you don't want to seem pushy or like "one of those parents" but you would like to know what selection criteria were used and what skills your daughter was lacking so she can work on it for next year.

Explain how obviously disappointed she was after working so hard and is there any way she can be on the team to work out and gain experience even if they never use her in a game.

By the way, Christian school or not girls will be girls and cliques are part of the deal. I know how hard it can be to be on the outside of a clique but she won't always be.

Hi C.,
I don't think that there is any problem with getting another view of what is going on. Go to the coach and ask him/her what is it that your daughter needs to improve on. Get that conversation going and try to see why she didn't make the team. We were kids once and if your daughter is anything like I was, it was all about me and how everyone was against me. I'm not saying that she doesn't have a right to complain, I just think that there are two sides to every story. Find out the other side and if it is still wrong in your eyes that she didn't make the team I would agree that you need to talk to someone higher! Good luck.

I don't know if your done checking these or not but just wanted to add something. I did not read all the responses so I hope I did not repeat anything. I just wanted to add that maybe you could have your daughter talk to the coach one and one and tell him, "I worked really hard and I don't understand why I didn't make the team" maybe she could ask him if there was something particular she needed to work on and then she'll know what to work on for next time. Keep encouraging her to try out! I think you had a good idea getting her involved in the volley ball outside of school. Is she still in gymnastics? Remind her how good she was at that and that not everyone is good at everything and to just always try your best! Good Luck!

mom of 2 girls!

Hi C., I'm so sorry you and your daughter have to go through situations like this. There could be a legitimate reason for your daughter not making the team and I agree with the other moms who suggested talking with the coach to ask what your daughter needs to improve on to try out next year. But there are also cliques, it seems, everywhere we go and it's very sad. Your daughter, however, is learning a very valuable life lesson at this young age - that adversity only makes you stronger. She can keep playing club ball or try something new - be herself and do what makes her happy. It's our jobs as mothers to encourage them and talk with them, but be careful not to pass blame on others. She'll figure out on her own that life is not always fair, but that doesn't mean we have to give up. Good luck with this situation! It is so hard to see your kids hurt in any way.

You are right! There are cliques, politics, and unfair things in schools, even Christian schools. My kids see it at church and in the homeschool groups. You can't get away from it, unfortunately. I always encourage and love on my kids know matter what. I make sure they feel loved and safe at home even if the world outside is being cruel. Maybe there is cheer or dance she can get involved in in your community. (I was a cheerleader in high school and the cheerleaders were cruel to me. I never fit in and it was hard for me.) Maybe you could talk with the principal or coaches to find out what is going on. Even if you can find out what she needs to do to make the team or cheer line. Maybe, just expressing yourself to them will help for next year. Just some ideas! Good luck!

C.,
I'm so sorry your daughter did not make the team. I was previously a 5th grade school teacher and have coached volleyball at the middle school level, high school level, club volleyball etc. Now that I have a daughter of my own, I'm not sure how I'll handle when she doesn't make a team, etc., but I can tell you that from my experience, the teams are selected fairly- every coach wants the best team possible & doesn't just select girls because they're friends. I know this is hard; you just have to figure out how to make it as positive as possible and turn it into a life lesson. As a coach, cutting girls & naming your team is always the hardest day of the season. Can she get involved by helping in some other manner, like a team manager? Hang in there, I know it's hard to see your child not "get" what they want and try so hard to achieve.

You are noticing something and your intuition is probably right. Yes, you should talk to the Principal and tell what you notice and explain how your daughter feels. You should also remind them that school is about promoting self-esteem. I am so sorry your daughter is going through that.

I think your frustration is a sign of your compassion and empathy for your daughter. I don't think there's anything wrong with scheduling a meeting with the coach and your daughter so you can all figure out where she went wrong in the tryouts and what she can do to improve. It will show she is committed and a hard worker. Don't be accusatory when you have the meeting, more curious. And make sure your daughter is interested in continuing. There's no point in you going out of your way if she doesn't want to do it anymore. She's 13 and old enough to have some input on your plan of action. Good luck to you and your daughter!

Maybe she can volunteer or work at a gymnastics place. I would show her where else flexibility is needed. Water sports maybe. School is very hard for kids. I would talk to the coach and ask what are the areas she needs to work on. The competition is fierce and it really prepares them for the work force. Wait till high school, it is even harder. Talk to the high school coach and prepare her for the coming year. Maybe it is not her physical ability but the smile, voice etc.
Mom-talk to the coaches first and if you don't get a good answer, take it up with the principal. I am a very visible parent. My kids say stay out of my school stuff but the principle and security say these are the most important years for parents to be involved but invisible.