8 Yr Thinks She's an Adult

I would take her to her pediatrician. I would explain your concerns, explain her behaviors, have he/she recommend a psychologist, and give her an evaluation. Maybe she is depressed, that starts a very tough age. Maybe she does have ADD or something similar. You will never know if you don't try. I understand it's hard but what she needs right now is you, you giving it all you can, not you walking away. My Mother walked away from me a lot through my life, it screwed me up for a long time. If you love your child don't do that to her, she is a growing child who doesn't deserve it. She only deserves the guidance and love of her parents, she is still learning it all and doesn't understand a lot although I am sure she thinks she does. Maybe you too should seek counseling to help you deal with it all, I know it's stressful. Possibly family counseling would be best, while you are going through all this, what is your husband doing? Good luck to you, hang in there, and when things are the worst remember the time you first looked at her tiny little face and fell instantly in love.

I understand you fustration so it sounds like you need a new routine and new rules. Ge help from her father. I would DEFINATLEY go see a doctor with her. Maybe she really has a problem like ADD or ADHD and the issue's she is having would improve. Some of the things you are talking about sound like she would fit into that catagory. There is something called 504 plan for NJ public schools, look it up. Knowbody would even know she has a problem it's a private thing with the teachers,,, she is still in her normal class it just intitles her to extra help etc..
Good luck

I think you should definitely get her evaluated by the school district. Yes, the school district does this at THEIR COST. Call the division of the school that handles special services, and ask them the process for requesting an evaluation, and do it. Put the word "label" out of your mind and just get your daughter the help she needs. I was one of those parents who didn't, and my daughter who was Dx'd with ADHD at the age of 15 is FINALLY getting the help she needs after struggling for years. Even if she doesn't have a 'diagnosis' the school district will help her with the behaviors, learning skills, social skills, etc. because I am sure those will come out in an eval. That "label" as you call it is her key to success. Don't ignore it. It will only get worse. It's worth it!!

Best of luck!

Dear M.,

It sounds like maybe your daughter should be seen by her pediatrician and aks them about testing for adhd. She could be doing a lot of these behaviors for attention from you, even if it is negative. If you have other children, does she feel left out or sometimes neglected? She could be acting out for attention. You may want to contact her school's guidance department and ask for the pupil personnel services to intervene as she may have a learning disability that is not allowing her to do the work. This not a bad thing and does not mean that you are a bad parent. She might want to consider speaking with the school psychologist just to make sure there are no issues. As far as yourself, maybe a parent support group may help you deal with your stress. Are you able to make time for yourself at all during the week? Perhaps a family member or friend can watch her while you get out for some alone time. Best of luck to you and your daughter.
A.

If your daughter has a problem, you need to get her help. The school should test her. Not wanting her "labeled" is a big mistake. Believe me, her teachers already know she has a problem. They are as impatient with her as you are; and that approach is clearly not working. Request an appointment with the teacher and find out how the process works. Generally, the teachers are required to keep notes that testify to her problem. If this had not been done, check back and see if their are comments on her report cards. The label will mean that the school has to find an approach that will help her and that you have to be in on all of the meetings. It is a Federal law. If shame means that much to you, have her tested yourself; but it is expensive. The earlier you help her, the happier you ALL will be. Good luck! From a teacher and a parent who has been through it from BOTH sides of the table.

I can't offer much but here is what I observe. It seems like she is being a child, a defiant, limit testing kid. I would guess you are wishing she was acting like adult not a child. If you take some time out for you with your friends or alone every now and then it might help. The only way to get through is with persistence and a change of your perspective. If she can tell you are feeling the way you do she won't want to obey a thing you say. Would you try to please someone who just said the same things about you. Try to put yourself in her shoes and you may be surprised by the insight. Best wishes.

I agree with Diane S. I would have her evaluated. A bit of counseling and therapy might do wonders for her...and, in turn, benefit your relationship.
There are sooooo many kids getting "help" these days, that it's quite the "normal" thing! Nobody will whisper behind your back if a doctor "labels" her (I just returned from a Birthday party where 3 out of the 6 kids that were there are having therapy of some kind. Better to fix things in the early stages, before they get older and more self-conscious!)

Hi M.,

I understand your frustration completely. My 12 year old step-son was exactly the same way. He had the toughest time staying focused on anything and is constantly moving from one activity to the next. He was never able to follow directions and instructions and would always forget books, homework and lose everything from his winter jacket to his ipod. He used to be terrible at doing his own work and if you didn't stand over him and tell him over and over again to do his homework, it would never get done. He was also terrible about showering, brushing his teeth, wiping after using the bathroom and using deodarant. We had to stay on him just to use shampoo in the shower. I would really encourage you to talk with your daughter's teachers and see if they can test her. With my step-son, we found out that he had ADHD and things have improved dramatically with that knowledge. He was tested a number of times by the school and by his doctors and he was put on medication that has worked wonders. Not everyone goes on medication becuase some behavioral therapies also work very well. However, we still have to work with him everyday to remind him of things and to keep him organized because you cannot rely on the medication. We are in constant contact with his teachers about assignments and he has a tutor and an aide at the school to help keep him organized. There are many resources out there at the school and with your daughter's doctor. They have seen cases like this and know how to deal with them and help you come up with a plan. If she does have an attention disorder, there are tons of books out there that also offer great advice and that really helped us. I know that you don't want her "labeled" as having this, but I think it's best to know either way and you can figure out how to deal with it from there. My step-son seems so much happier and free. We still have to work with him and there are very tough days, but for the most part, he has improved greatly and he has all As and Bs in school which was unheard of before. His confidence has improved as well. I know how tough this is, but I really believe you will do the best for your daughter if you get her tested. It may be something else that you never thought of.
Good luck!!

M.,

I don't think this has anything to do with her thinking she is an adult I think there may be something else going on. I wouldn't focus on her being labeled I would focus on doing what is best for her. Yelling at her and pushing her to do things if she is not capable is really going to do more harm then good and just frustrate you more. Have you tried just sitting when you are calm and just talking to her? If she is struggling with her homework then she must be struggling in school. Please talk to her teacher and get her input and then have her evaluated ASAP. Once you can establish what is wrong then you can work towards the solution. In the long run it will benefit you and your daughter. Try to take a deep breath so you can think clearly. The last thing you want is to destroy your relationship with your daughter. Is there anyway she can visit her dad on the weekends so you can get a break? I hope things work out for you. Good luck!!

I don't think she thinks she is an adult - quite the opposite. Her behavior isn't "adult" behavior, it is destructive, immature behavior. Based upon comments by the teacher combined with her behavior at home, she really should be evaluated. I know there is concern about getting a child on the spectrum but you know you can't continue down this path. If she does have ADHD, she needs to be treated - she will qualify for services in school and a professional will help you to deal with her at home. I have a close friend whose daughter has been diagnosed at age 6 and they have made great improvements over the past months. Many physicians think medication is necessary in order to lead a productive life but she has held off so far.

Don't blame yourself - this truly may be a chemical/biological/genetic thing rather than a reflection on your parenting. I would definitely start with teachers and guidance/social work/psychology at school. Best of luck!

Don't give up. First, sit down, take a moment for yourself, and b-r-e-a-t-h-e. There are lots of issues here, all of which can be addressed and, in time, you will have a daughter you can live with. First of all, sit with her at a time when she is being good and try to have a simple talk -- remember she is only 8, so keep it short. Tell her that you will no longer tolerate her disrespect. The next time she misbehaves or swears, she is to have a 10-minute timeout somewhere non-stimulating. It can be the kitchen table -- just ignore her if you are there. While she is sitting there, she is to write a simple apology to you. She can also draw a picture to express how she is feeling. Date it and save it. At a separate time, talk about her bathroom hygiene and ask her why she doesn't wipe and wash up. You may be surprised at her answers. You and she can go shopping for special flushable wipes -- either the baby ones or the feminine ones -- and perhaps a nice soap and hand towel to make it more appealing, or even the hand sanitizer if she's just in a hurry. Reward her efforts with a hug; non-compliance gets her sent back to the bathroom -- calmly. If she refuses and makes a fuss, it's time-out time, or she can't go on to the next activity, whatever it is, even if it's school and she will be late. Let her be late and take the consequences.

As for the school issues, you DO need to get her evaluated. She is already labeled -- as TROUBLE. Better to be labeled with ADHD and getting treatment for it. Treatment can be meds, but doesn't have to be. It also involves behavior modification. You also need to stop remembering her books and assignments for her. Let her face the consequences at school of missed work or misplaced books. I know this is really hard to do -- I was guilty many times of asking about assignments and bringing in forgotten things to school. Remember she is only 8; if she gets an F it's not the end of the world. This isn't high school, where the grades really count. She should have an assignment book or folder where she puts everything. You can look at that when she gets home from school and help her organize the items on the table. they have to stay on the table till she's done with them. When she's done, everything goes back into the folder and then into the backpack. This is another sign of a child with ADHD, but it is an area where she can help herself. If she can't work independently, then perhaps you or your husband can sit at the table while she is working and work on something of your own. Tell her you are confident she can do the work and (not but) you'd like to keep her company so you can both work on a task. You can balance your checkbook, do sewing, read a book, peel potatoes, etc. You are showing her that her work is important and that you believe in her. She may need to get up every 5 or 10 minutes. If so, that's ok, as long as it's just for a minute to get a drink of water, stretch, etc.-- not to go onto to something more fun. You can do a bend and stretch with her, then say, ok, time to get back to the table. If she has ADHD, she can't sit still for 30 minutes and do it all at once.

Go online and google ADHD. There's plenty of information out there. Ask your pediatrition and your school's guidance or health office for information. If she is in public school, she is entitled to an evaluation by the school district for ADHD. Her kindergarten teacher should have recommended it, but she probably didn't want to say it directly and get herself in trouble. When the teachers told you that she has trouble focusing and sitting, they were hoping you would read between the lines and get her tested. If you don't want to wait until the district can do it, there are many private evaluations available. Ask your pediatrition and any friend you have whose child has been diagnosed with ADHD. Children's Specialized Hospital in Mountainside has a team.

Go to the empoweringparents.com website. James Lehman is the author is a DVD series on parenting. I have used the DVDs successfully. He also has much information on ADHD children, both professional and personal since his adult son is ADHD. It's worth the money to get the DVD's and subscribe to the website -- you also get a hotline to call anytime you need advice.

Keep up your efforts. Your daughter is worth it. I have two ADHD children, now young adults, and a third with significant emotional issues. It's a challenging job and you can do it with help from your husband, family, and friends. Prayer helps too. I wish you well.

Do you have most of the parenting responsibilities? How much time do you spend with her? Sounds like she wants attention.

All kids are kids they are not adults. The toilet thing just sounds like an attention getting thing. Especially at 8. Have you an organized time for homework and a special place to do it. I have seen too many parents not provide structure for their children and then blame the children for not being organized.

There are a lot of variables you have not mentioned. SO going with what you have said I would say make sure you are not expecting an 8 year old to be an adult. Provide a study area and show her how to be organized. Make sure you are paying her good attention and just not negative. You feel to be overburdened and that is just the way life is sometimes. Get help. Perhaps if helping your child with her homework is too much find a homework study group. Best of Luck and this too will come to pass.

If it is ADHD or a similar disorder, please consider making changes to her diet. That can help a lot.

M.,
First, do not give up. 2nd stick to your guns and help her learn. Third, get a 2nd opinion if you have a first from her pediatrician.

Don't lose your mind! She may need much more structure than you are giving her, and autism/aspberger's may be an issue here. It's not the end of the world though!

You may have to limit her diet of sugars and other additives, so keep that in the back of your mind (for autism and ADD).

Another help may be www.flylady.com. Babysteps, babysteps baby steps and patience.

She didn't come knowing how to clean up after herself, and while you know how, you have to go baby steps to help her learn how to do things, and bypassing the attitude is going to be your first step.

It really looks like she needs more structure than the average child does, and it will help her learn to be more organized.

I wish you luck and send her prayers that she gets the help she needs!
M.

Get help from your doctor and then school its for her own good
and your emotional health dont put it off.
good luck

Sorry to have to say this, but it sounds like your daughter has addention deficit disorder (and maybe some other disorder as well). You SHOULD try to get her help and have her diagnosed, this is not about having her labeled, it's about helping her which is most important. The ONLY way she will ever get better is with proper assistance. So instead of wondering why she's like this and thinking of abandoning her, go get her diagnosed.

It sounds like she is already "labeled". Believe me, it hurts to know people are sick of you. If she has ADHD, it's not her fault. Please consider having her evaluated and treated. To learn more about ADHD, try these websites:
chadd.org and ncgi.org

If I can help you with other information, please ask.
Good luck and don't give up,
C.

Dear M.,

It is clear you are in major distress, but you need to gather whatever strength you can and take care of your child. Obviously, if you are at this level of frustration she can sense it and that is never a good thing for any relationship. Whether you think she is acting like an adult or not, you know she isn't and you need to take charge as the adult. She is your child and no stone should be left unturned. Why should a possible label of ADHD concern you? It could be the beginning of an answer to a problem and a start to a solution. See if a change in her diet could help. Anything you can think of and can do, do! You are the parent and she clearly needs your help.

As a side note, I recently fell upon an incredible interview with a Dr. Jeffrey Bernstein who is a psychologist specializing in child and family therapy. He wrote a book called 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child: The Breakthrough Program For Overcoming Your Child's Difficult Behavior. Whether the title sounds too good to be true, the amount of expertise this doctor has and the information I gained just from listening to the interview on Parents Journal with Bobbi Connor on public radio was extraordinary. He was on the week of December 28th and here is the link if you have interest in listening so you can decide for yourself if this is yet another option to explore: http://www.parentsjournal.com/radioshow It is a totally different ballgame when dealing with a defiant child and what often works for less defiant children, often backfires with defiant children. An excellent resource.

Best of luck to you but get working!!!!!

Hi M., I can see how unhappy you are about this. The 7-8 year old can go through something like the terrible two's. This will pass if you keep reminding her that you are the mom and she is not. If she is smart you can appreciate this fact but tell her decisions have to be made by the parent, that is why we are given parents. About the testing, my grandchildren are both being tested at this time. My grand- children are 9 and 6. Damian is on the lazy side and Nicolette has the problem sitting still and focusing. They both seem to need me to stand over them at homework time. I would not worry about the labelling. You want the best for your child so she can learn and understand. As far as the cleanliness, you need to be firm. Even though she is 8, you have to go in after her and check. If she is not cleaning herself and flushing she can bring ridicule on herself at school. Please don't give up on her. Habits take 21 days to form. Maybe something has to be taken away when not done. I too had to chase his books and assignments until his dad told him to bring all his books home every day and they are heavy!!! You and her dad have to work together on this. Grandma Mary

My first question is, how is her diet? She should be eating nothing but healthy nurtitious foods. So much of how our kids (and us as adults) behave is diet related. She should be eating lots of organic fruits and veggies, lean natural meats, salmon or other low mercury fish, and healthy whole grains like quinoa and barley. Typical "kid" foods like mac and cheese and processed foods, sugar, white flour, and the like should be taken off the menu...for good.

Second, how much outdoor exercise does she get? At that age she should be spending every non-school moment running, jumping, climbing, playing outside...rain, shine, snow...whatever.

After you change her diet and assess her outdoor time, see if she changes.

if you can have her tested privately that is the best route. The school system takes way too long and frankly, why haven't they pushed for testing. Good luck and call now for a specialist. It will make a world of difference for you and you daughter.

welcome to parenthood! Nobody ever said kids were easy. To be quite honest, this disturbs me.
L.

She probably does have slight ADD, but thats not an excuse for doing what she is told. You dont mention consequences. What do you do when she refuses to do what you tell her? What are the consequences in school when she doesnt have her homework or books? She only 8 and thats a little young to expect her to do her homework and gather up her books without being reminded. You need to establish a pattern for school. Set an exact time for homework and stick to it. Make sure the teacher checks to see she has her assignments written down. Then at 4 or 5 or when ever its convenient for both of you sit her at the kitchen table, look over her assignments and make sure she know what to do. Then start her on ONE task. When she is done check it and give her the next one. She might need a short break in between, but she shouldnt have that much homework at her age. When she is finished have her put all work, books, pencils back in her book bag and put in where she will remember. This will make mornings much easier. And yes, you will need to check each day to make sure she has done it. But the more consistent you both are the more she will remember.
If she refuses to listen punish her...immediately. She is NOT too old to be put in the corner. At her age I would make her stand in a corner until she is ready to listen to you. Warn her first, dont scream, quietly explain to her this is the new way and she has to do what you want or she will stand in the corner.
It sound like you are tired and are fighting with her way too much. Dont fight, dont argue, just punish. I am not fond of the word punish, I like consequence better. Kids need to know that their actions result in consequences. So when she does as told she needs a consequence also. Tell her she did a good job, perhaps put stars on a chart and 10 stars can equal extended bed time or a trip to the park.
Children this age are not interested in hygiene and you will have to remind her to wipe, flush and wash. She will learn eventually, but thats part of being a mom. Relax and start enjoying your baby girl again.

Talk to her pediatrician about all of this immediately. Something is going on not sure what but no doubt there is something. How does she do in school? I would suggest having her evaluated. If you don't want this done through the school system, I believe you can find one that you or your insurance may or may not pay for.

Hi M.
Welcome to parenthood.
If you don't take care of your child, who do you think will? Who do you think will love her more than you do? Imagine how an outsider would feel if you are upset?

You sound very frustrated like you don't know what to do next. Some of the teachers are giving you a place to start, is it a good idea? Only you can decide. Can things go on as they are?
Have you found anything she does enjoy? Have you gone anywhere that she gets right into?
Have you talked to the MD about some of your frustrations? If she has always been this way, she does not know any other way to be, so you are her spokesperson with the MD.
Please talk to MD honestly. You have run out of ways to help, so you need some fresh new approaches.

Once I asked my mom how many times do you have to tell them to __________, (fill in the blank) and my mom said "until they get it" If you tell them 100 times to hang up their coat and they don't then maybe they will after 101 times of being told. You will not know unless you tell them the 101st time.
As far as the issue with hygiene, tell her quietly as she enters that she must or you will be doing it for her. As it is not an option. She won't like that as soon as you
do it.
Now I say all that to say that some children need to be in charge of their own lives and if they feel as if they are not then they will be one way or another. I suggest that you give her charge of those things she can be. Choices sometimes show them that they are able to be in charge and that helps them motivate, and shows you that they can make good choices. It is difficult to have a child that wants to be in charge at a young age.
I had two, who were overly in charge of their lives. One chose to get through school early so they could go away to school. Today he is a lawyer married with son. The other has been feeding herself since she was 12, not eating with us even. Because she chose to stop eating when I decided she was going to eat what I fixed. Yes, she proved I could not make her. Not a good decision. Please don't choose that path. It has been a tough 6 years since her hospitalization. All the way through we chose to work with her so she could be the best person she could be, giving up on her would have been an easy way out but I truly believe that the guilt I would have felt when she didn't succeed would have been more difficult to deal with than the problem itself. Today she lives in the dorm as a college freshman -- a fine arts major with a 3.7 GPA

God bless you & help you make wise decisions for your family.
K. == SAHM married 38 years --- adult children 37coach; 32lawyer married with 5 mo.; and twins 18 -- both in college -- journalism and fine arts 3.8 &3.7 GPA's respectively after homeschooling.

It is time to call in a counseler. Get your whole family to a counselor. Whatever you are doing, it isn't working and a counselor can evaluate your family and make helpful suggestions as to where to begin to turn this train around.

I tend to think you should talk to her teacher again...and take the child to a doctor. Have her tested...find out what she has and get her the proper professional help that she needs. The problem will only get worse if you don't.
Labels are all in the attitude one takes. If you come off negative about this...that's how your daughter is going to learn how to feel about herself.

Sitting here thinking what Label is more important then being supportive of a child in getting the professional help that is needed.....

Hi M., I've been told by my child's daycare teacher that she is strong-willed, so I may be in for a ride myself but here goes...I don't think you can continue to ignore what your daughter's teachers are saying or what you're seeing, it may be in her best interest to have her evaluated. You may find out "it" is nothing, but wouldn't you rather rectify the situation and help her if something is up. If she is ADD you'll need to learn about it and ways of dealing with it. It sounds like you're at the end of your rope and have to do something and quite frankly she sounds like she may have attention problems. I'm not a doctor and obviously don't know your child but could it possibly be depression. Does she ever talk negatively about herself or her life? I ask because the school psychologist said this about one of my students who lacked energy, drive etc. (oh, I'm a special ed. teacher). Wouldn't it benefit you as well to get support services, actually know what the problem is? If nothing else you may feel more control. Good luck...my heart goes out to you. P.S. if you do have her evaluated, be involved and make sure you make your wishes known. They DO HAVE TO LISTEN TO YOU AND WHAT YOU WANT AND DON'T WANT FOR YOUR CHILD as long as it is reasonable.

i have an 8 year old who is exactly the same however, he has been diagnosed with ADHD and takes medication - I hate the idea of giving him medicine everyday, but he cannot sit still otherwise and he was starting to do terrible in school.

Their are days when I feel like running away too - He can be absolutely exhausting -

I feel your pain - The best thing I can tell you is .. take deep breaths and patiently try your best to help them be their best.