8 Yearold Step-daughter Peeing Around the House

She needs professional help - this is not something you can "punish" out of her and your husband can't pretend that it's not a problem and think it's just going to go away on its own. She may have been okay with you guys being together as long as there was the possibility of you and her dad breaking up, but then when it became apparent that this was permanent, she starts acting out in some way. Where is her mother in all this? If she is around, what is their relationship like? Is there anything going on with her in school that could be an issue?

Do not NOT bring it up with your husband - he needs to be aware of what his daughter is doing and realize that she needs to be seeing some kind of therapist or psychiatrist. Her pediatrician may be able to give you a referral. This is one of those times where the two of you need to be on the same page if this is going to be resolved, and not get worse as she gets older. If this is what she is doing now, what will she be doing when she is 13 or 17? What if she ruins more things or burns the house down? I hope you will be able to come together to get your stepdaughter the help that she needs.

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Your step daughter is seriously mentally disturbed. She needs help. If your husband won't agree to that, then if I were you I'd get the hell out before she burns your house down... with you in it.

It won't help if just you get counseling if you can't talk your husband into it for all of you. She is not a normal 8-year-old. I can't imagine a child like that as a teenager, especially if she gets no help.

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Please do not take this the wrong way, and I'll try to be short and sweet:

Individual counseling for all involved
Marriage counseling
Family counseling

You have listed several elements within the familial relationships that are very out of balance. Your stepdaughter very much needs help and support to work through what's upsetting her. Your husband needs help and support to deal with whatever is causing him to feel so badly as to be avoiding some serious problems that are right in his face. (he may feel he's going to have to choose between the two of you, and it could be scaring him to pieces, because he loves you both.) And you certainly need help in figuring out healthy boundaries and expectations, and someone to offer *you* unconditional support right now. This must be an incredibly difficult situation, and to be very frank, I don't think a forum is going to give you the kind of insight and intense support your family will need to navigate this.

I hope you find the help your family is needing. It sounds like you love your stepdaughter very much. Her behavior is crying out for attention, and you are trying your best to not exacerbate the situation. Until her father steps up, however, she is going to continue to do these things for attention. She wants him to be an authority figure, and when he doesn't discipline her, she might think that he doesn't love her enough to care. That's my take on it anyway. Please get help.

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I agree with the other moms that have posted. This is concerning behavior. It sounds like she is trying to find ways to have control of her situation and is doing these things for shock value. Has she had any trouble at school? I would be very surprised if this behavior hasn't spilled over into other areas of her life. What is also surprising is how the other adults in her life are so unwilling to acknowledge this odd behavior. It may be embarrassing or hard to confront, but come on, it must be dealt with. Your husband is going to have to put on his big boy pants and deal before this behavior turns into something even more serious or dangerous. I don't mean to alarm you, but what you have described are some big red flags. I would speak to her pediatrician, teacher or school counselor to begin with.
You do have a right to intervene. You are her stepmother and if no other adult in her life is going to address this issue, you just might be the only one to help this child. Always approach with empathy and kindness. I know you must be seriously ticked off and disgusted for what she has done, but you must keep these emotions in check when dealing with this situation. She may not talk to you, but you need to appeal to your husband and make him realize how dire this situation is. Show him these posts if he doesn't believe you. Good luck and God bless.
A.

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Do you guys have children together? If not I would seriously consider separating until your husband can figure out how to handle this situation in the best interests of his daughter.

That is very bizarre, abnormal behavior for a girl that age. JMO. It's not exactly easy for a female to "aim" her urine where she wants it to be (unlike boys and even for them that is not normal).

Her dad needs to get his head in the game. Wow.

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I would insist that your husband get to the bottom of it. Start with her doctor. Then a therapist. Maybe one for all of you. I think she's retaliating now that you're here to stay. Is her mom around? Is she the type to tell her child to do things toward you or act up? I think it's a power struggle and until your husband starts acting like a FATHER, you're going to lose.

If he doesn't do something about it, then you need to inform him you will do x (like remove anything she peed in/on from her room and leave her with a bare room except for essentials or locking your door with a key when you are not in it). Or taking the TV out. It will make you further the "wicked stepmother", but his current action (or not) is making you the angry wife.

It "embarrasses" her so you can't talk about it? Then HE needs to STOP it unless he thinks that her peeing all over your house is acceptable and not embarrassing to you/him!

"Oh, I'm sorry, Friend, but our house smells like pee because DH's child pees all over and I can't do anything about it."

I have a neighbor/friend who needs a whole kitchen replacement because of a grease fire. Does he think that kitchen fire is funny?

If he believes that you'd frame his child, maybe he needs to be there 100% of the time she is and take 100% of the child care. No rides from you, no pickups after school, no watching her while he runs errands...

These things aren't just about the kid behavior. It's a whole larger dysfunction.

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She is very disturbed.

How do you treat her in general? Are you loving toward her? You have a huge, and very difficult problem on your hands. If your husband is that nonchalant and protective of her when she actually goes so far as to pee in your room, you and your husband are in for some big problems.

He is not on the same P. with you, so doing something about this is going to be very difficult. If you do not have a good relationship with her, I suggest you start being as kind and loving as possible.

If you haven't already made other kids with your husband, I highly suggest you don't get pregnant for a long, long time. Your marriage is in for some serious turbulence.

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**To respond to your post: simply click on the "edit" button. And add what you want.
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Ditto Peg M.

This is HIGHLY ABNORMAL.
Your Husband... is an Enabler.

The girl, is highly disturbed.
She needs, Therapy or a Psychiatrist.

It will never get solved. Because your Husband will not allow.... you nor anyone to intercede.
He is only, making her worse.

Maybe show your Husband your post.
But he will get angry.

This is really messed up.
The girl is really.... mentally unwell.

She is 8, now.
If this is not solved, she will grow up into being a very mentally ill, Teenager, (with more problems), then a mentally ill, Adult.
With even more problems.
So, where will it end, and when?

Your Husband as well, NEEDS Therapy.
He is not, doing his daughter any good.

This Girl, needs PROFESSIONAL help.
Right away.
Time is being wasted.

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She does need to get help. This is not normal. You are so kind. I would have bought diapers and put them on her bed.

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I am a stepmom also. I have been in my stepson's life since he was 15 mos, married to his dad since he was almost 3. My situation is different in that his mom has always been around (they have shared parenting, about 60/40 with us having him 60% of the time), but he has had a lot of the same issues you are describing. He went through a phase where he was pooping in his pants and then hiding his soiled underwear when he was 7--WAAAY too old to be doing that accidentally. We collectively (me, my husband, and his mom) decided to put him in counseling and it helped tremendously! I dunno- there is something about a child that does abnormal things with their bodily fluids that just isn't right. How is she doing in school? Have her teachers noticed a change in her? My best suggestion would be to put her in counseling. Surely your husband can see that she would benefit from that, given the situation with her mother abandoning her and going through the recent change of acquiring a new mom! Good luck!

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You need a united front. She needs some help. He needs to wake up and realize that his daughter needs a hero-and it has to be him.

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Some parents really do overcompensate in ways that actually harm their children.
Your husband not wanting to get her help or even discuss this, let alone consider she may be doing it on purpose, is doing her more harm that good.
I think she needs to see someone. I think she is wanting to get something out of this. Either you and your husband fighting or maybe even her father to fricking acknowledge it and quit brushing it under the rug, so to speak.
If it was me and she peed in her room, I would just leave it. For days, if she loves pee in her room so much. Get a lock for your bedroom door that requires a key so she can't go in there anymore. If she wants to pee all over the rest of the house, your husband can clean it. If he wants to ignore it, maybe you should ignore it too. Make sure anything belonging to you that you don't want peed on is locked safely in your room. If he doesn't like it, too bad. Since he wants to believe it's embarrassing for her and accidental, you will insist that the one room in your home that's free from the accidents is your bedroom. Then she can pee away to her heart's content. She can clean it up, he can clean it up. Doesn't matter. You're not doing it anymore. If he thinks YOU are crazy for not thinking it's normal, then it's up to him to handle it.
If you remove yourself from it and there's no reaction from you and you just leave it, she may well quit.
Or, it may escalate, but unfortunately, your husband is going to have to deal with some of it himself or he's just going to say it's YOUR problem.
You know her trick with the stove. Check for crumbs before turning it on.
She'll give up or burn the damn house down. I pray not, but I think she's begging for her FATHER to pay attention to her behavior. And not by coddling her.
Just my opinion.
Your husband said he thinks YOU need therapy or however he said it....I would go. Go by yourself. Don't make a thing of it, just set up an appointment and go. What you say in therapy is private and you're working on you in the situation. They might be able to give you some tips on how to handle things, at least emotionally for yourself.

I wish you the best and I hope it's just a matter of her acting out because the change in the family dynamic even though you've been in her life a long time. If she is in serious trouble, people like therapists, teachers, and pediatricians are mandated reporters.

Let us know what happens.

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It really sounds like your step-daughter is looking for some boundaries and I dare say this will continue until she gets some. Good luck! If she were mine, she wouldn't be allowed to watch TV and the TV would have never entered her bedroom. She would have had to pay me for all my books that she peed on and she would be cleaning up the urine herself. I'm not sure what you can do if her father isn't on board. He is going to have a hand full when she gets older unless he gets this under control now. This is crazy!

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Wow, she needs some help. This is not normal behavior for an 8-year-old. My daughter is 8, and if she did anything like that I'd take her to the pediatrician right away and ask for a referral to a child psychologist. And that's what I think you should do. Or tell your husband it's what he needs to do, because she is having some issues and it needs to stop now before she gets worse (like what if she decides it would be a good idea to start playing with matches and burn the house down?) Hopefully it's just a temporary thing that she needs to talk to a counselor about and not a sign of a more serious mental illness, but either way she needs to see a child psychologist. Good luck, I really hope you are able to get her some help as soon as possible.

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I'm appalled at answers telling you to "let your husband handle it." He won't, you know that, and things will get worse. Or the house will burn down when she plants those crumbs again and the stove goes up in flames. I'm amazed he doesn't see how disturbed she really is and that she is a physical danger to him, you and your home.

Your replies to posts saying you and he "can't get on the same page," how you would have "run as fast as possible" and not married him if you'd known how he would be toward his daughter, and especially your anger and resentment toward an 8-year-old child who is clearly emotionally disturbed, all point toward a marriage that is headed for divorce. And worse -- yeah, worse than a divorce -- is a child headed straight for a lifetime of mental issues because neither of her parents (that means you, not him and her biological mom) would step back, bury their own feelings, look objectively at the situation, and intervene.

She is manipulating, yes. Lying. And doing things most kids would find so gross they'd never stoop to doing them. But she is a child, not a little adult. She's at war, definitely, but you have to be the grown-up here since your husband clearly isn't. Can you control your anger, your wanting to take this personally, enough to say, "This is a young child, who has never had much in the way of adult role models, who has never had loving discipline (not punishment which hurts, but discipline which teaches), who is intensely jealous of her father's wife." Can you say that and not get upset and angry with her?

You were absolutely right to suggest counseling, but now you can't back down just because he says no. She needs immediate and intense counseling but so do you and your husband. You both need parenting lessons from someone outside your household so you can get on the same page; he especially needs parenting help. A third party can see things we can't see from inside our own anger and hurt. All three members of your family need outside help considering how far this has now gone, especially since you're speaking as if you would leave them both over this.

Ask yourself: Do you really want to be married to him? Did you fully accept that marryiing him was a package deal forever, and you took her for better or for worse as well? Do you find yourself thinking, "If only she weren't here we'd be happy"? Do you like anything about this child as person, and can you find something, anything, for which you'd praise her? In other words -- Is there any affection for her at all or is she just part of a deal to have him?

You already tried suggesting counseling and that is great and smart, but it seems to have gone nowhere. But he can't keep refusing. He must get help too or she will never stop manipulating and acting out and she will be an unhappy, angry adult all too soon. You have to stand up for her to him, though he will not see it that way at first and will accuse you of "labeling her," of seeing problems where there are none, of saying he's a bad parent, and he will fight it. So the question seems to be - when he says those things, will you back off or advocate harder for this sad, angry kid who right now is hard to love?

He needs to hear from someone he respects that your daughter's behavior is not normal and must be dealt with loviingly and immediately. He's not showing you any respect because he won't listen to you or let you be a real and concerned mother to his child. Find someone who will tell him bluntly and who won't back down. If it's not you, find a friend of his, a pastor, her teacher, her doctor, but your husband has to BE there and not just hear from you, "The doctor says....the school counselor says...." And go from there straight to the first family counseling appointment.

Most of all I feel for the child. Her behavior's awful, yes, but she is eight and unable to fully control herself or understand her motivations. Time for someone to emerge and help her because she cannot help herself.

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I would suggest that to dad that she M. have a medical problem and M. need help. Tell her doctors and get her specialists if need be. If he suggests psych help, get it, by him letting this go, he is actually encouraging worse behavior than what her mother likely is...

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I think you need to try to understand how she is feeling and WHY she is behaving this way. Easier said than done. Her behavior is not acceptable, but it's a sign something is bothering her. Maybe you and your husband can talk with her together. Maybe he can talk to her about what is bothering her? Good luck

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Okay, the peeing everywhere thing is just plain disgusting, but her putting bread crumbs in the stove burners is dangerous!

She needs to go to counseling if you ask me. There is a breaking point that is about to happen and needs to be adressed and taken care of. She needs to be disiplined for her actions. Her father needs to step in as well. Does she feel like she isnt getting enough quality time with him?

I would seek counseling, for her alone, and maybe for you as a family. This behavior has got to stop. Its not healthy.

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When a child can play in their own feces or urine they have serious problems. Your husband is reinforcing this behavior by not addressing it. Unfortunately, he seems to be dealing with his own issues and does not want to address hers. Many people think that seeing a counselor is just for crazy people. He is afraid to admit that his daughter is not perfect. Nobody is perfect and the people who are willing to accept this are going to get further in life. Things will only get worse. I do not know how much you can do without the consent of the father. However, I do know that this is a toxic situation and if he does not want to get help for the rest of the family then you can get some help to straighten things out in your mind. If you talk to a professional about this situation and feel like the best thing for you is to get out then you can leave with a clear mind. If the daughter is doing this at 8 then when she becomes a teen it will be so so bad. She has no conscience and knows how to manipulate her father.

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You guys need to take her to a child psychologist. She has some deep issues that need to be dealt with. I know this whole thing is such a pain for you, UGH, I can't imagine, but I feel sad for her. She is acting out for a reason. Until you get to the root of the reason, nothing will change.

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I have heard of cats peeing when they are ticked off, but this is certainly odd. I would encourage you to seek out family counseling for her. This is not normal, and the starting a fire is downright scary. This is her cry for help.

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You need to talk to her pediatrician and get a referral to a child psychologist. Your husband, her Father, needs to accept this is a problem and needs to be behind YOU in this issue to solve the child's issue.

This is a lot like when an animal feels it's place is threatened, it will act out by peeing on things, especially on things of the person whom they feel has displaced them.

This is NOT normal at any age, let alone 8 years old. She needs to have her TV taken from her room as punishment and you should get a lock for your bedroom door.

I agree with Angie. Additionally, if she were having a bedwetting problem at age 8 I could see that being an embarrassing thing to talk about. But if she didn't have this behavior before you guys got married I would think it's intentional acting out and definitely needs to be addressed by her dad as well as by you. Without his support, she will feel that since you are not her real mom that she doesn't have to listein to you. He needs to stand beside you in whatever discipline or counseling is necessary. And sometimes when my hubby doesn't "hear" me, I have to "demonstrate" in order to get his attention.

It sounds to me that this little girl does need counseling because she has some emotional problems. My friend took care of her niece, her mother was never around, the niece started doing the same thing when she was about this age. My friend sought counseling and they told her nothing was wrong with the child. My friend tried and tried to get help, but to no avail. The child is now 14 and in juvenile detention and NOW the counselors say that she has emotional problems due to her mom not accepting her and being around. It all started with peeing trough out her room and in bed, her behavior gradually went down hill from there. This could be a serious issue. Perhaps you can start off by suggesting she have a physical to rule out any physical problems. Your husband cannot ignore this and if he does, I am sorry to say, but this may not be the marriage for you. Just imagine what she will be like as a teenager if she is already doing this at 8. Show him the responses here, maybe he will begin to see the big picture. He needs to man up (no I am not suggesting that he is not a man, but he is dropping the ball here) and take care of his daughter and his wife.

Wow, what a tough situation and I really feel for you. I think your best bet is to stay out of it until your husband comes to terms with the fact that his daughter needs help. I'm a stepmom, and while my husband is not quite as extreme, there are many times when he refuses to see any flaw in his "princess" and obviously everyone else has the problem. He also tends to try to "make up" for the fact that he got a divorce, which seems to be a common thing. My husband's family was the same way.

At first when I mentioned things all I got was dirty looks from the family and arguments from my husband. Why, it was perfectly okay that his daughter get up constantly after being put to bed and not go to sleep until midnight on a school night! She just wanted love. And of course it was okay that she do whatever she wanted! So I learned to hold my tongue! All I got was the old argument "she's not your daughter" so I decided fine, then when she grows up to be a problem it's not my problem!

And eventually she grew older and my husband and her family didn't think the behavior was quite so cute anymore and they corrected it. And now I'm allowed to correct it.

I know your situation is very extreme, but I think the best thing to do is let your husband handle it. Nothing will change until HE realizes change needs to happen. Leave the pee in her room. I'm surprised she's not choking from the smell herself! Lock your bedroom door, and put your valuables behind lock and key. Do not mention her behavior, do not mention it to her, and certainly do not mention it to your husband. Your SD wants you to confront her so she can run to daddy. She's doing it for attention, so don't give it any attention. She knows you'll bring it up to Daddy, and then she can prove to you that SHE still is in control of Daddy.

She's only 7, and she has gotten you to play her game. Do not play the game. The best thing to do is refuse to play. Let Dad find the urine, let dad clean it, do not discuss it with him. If he tries to discuss it with you, just listen and don't offer advice UNLESS he says "what do you think I should do?"

There is a Game's condition that seems to occur between a parent and child when a step parent comes into the situation. My husband was adamant that he spend time JUST with his daughter (and not me) when we first got married. At first I was so offended--I thought we were a family! But I learned to let them do their thing and you know what, after about a year or so they stopped wanting just daddy-daughter days that deliberately excluded me and instead they want to spend time as a family. Do they have their special time doing hobbies they like together? Sure! But things seemed to change over time.

See if you can encourage some Daddy-Daughter time with just the two of them. I think it did help my SD transition better to know that she would have her special daddy time. Now she asks if I can come, she says it's not as fun without all of us. :)

Also, see if you can do a special stepmom-stepdaugher time. Ignore the crazy behavior. She's just a child and she's only acting out because she doesn't know what else to do as she has immature emotions. Putting attention on the negative will produce more negative. Believe it or not, ignoring the negative and working on the positive will bring about the positive behavior you desire. She actually needs more love now--perhaps that's what dad sees and is unable to confront the negative side. I actually believe that she does NOT really want you to break up, she would probably be sadder if you actually did break up. She's just a child and doesn't know what to do with her emotions.

well, if it was just the peeing incident i would tell him that you think she needs to go to the drs to make sure everything is ok. like she doesn't have a UTI. but with the crumbs under the burner. Are you sure it was her? if so, i would let my husband know and tell him that it's dangerous what she is doing and not only can she hurt the 2 of you, she could hurt herself and he needs to take care of it.