8 Year Old Won't Join Activities

Please don't force him to join activities. He may be looking for a little more mental challenge than he is getting from his peers in athletic activities. I have seen with all my children that their sports are so competetive that they are not fun any more. This sets up an environment that is great for kids who are good athletes, but inappropriately hostile to children who are not athletically inclined. Team sports may not be his thing right now.

Making him do something he really doesn't want to do may make him resentful.

IF you think there is something driving this issue, find out what that issue is (his friend rejected him, class bully, etc). If he won't talk to you, find someone he will talk to. I would worry more if this disinterest is a new thing.. Say if he was happy before, but now is depressed. But if he's always been into more sedate activities, then I'd just make suggestions of what might interest him.

Remember you are the parent and physical activity is very important. So, I'd let him know what you expect- for instance, he can choose a physical activity to do and he must do it for at least 30 minutes a day BEFORE he becomes sedentary.

Good luck.

Hi,
My suggestion to you would be to just relax. Spend some time with him after school exploring fun things together. If you visit an art museum and he shows an interest take a sample art class. Maybe he will want to continue, maybe not. Maybe at 8 he just needs to relax after school and enjoy your company. Build leggos with him and enjoy each others company. We are raising a generation of stressed out over achievers. He will eventually show interest in something. I think it is more valuable to show respect for his preferences. Another suggestion might be an afternoon or two a week to just go to a boys and girls club to give him a chance to interact with his peers. There are alot of things available at those types of places. Maybe he will find his niche there.Good luck

You shouldnt force him to do activities in which he is not interested based solely on the fact that other kids his age are doing 2-3 activities a week, as you said, because 2-3 activities is NOT NORMAL or healthy, and its exhausting for a child. Usually kids who are in that many activities, its more for the convenience of the parents than for the childs enrichment.
Waking up at maybe 6 or 7am, being at school all day, then getting home usually after 3 or 4pm (this is typical of an elementary school child, if im not mistaken) is a lot for an 8 year old. Im not surprised hes tired after school. Add countless activities onto that, and he'll get wiped out. Let him be a child, and play after school. If you are concerned about exercise, send him outside to play. Tell him he cant use the computer until hes played outside for a while. But compromise with him and talk to him, and make sure he feels as though he has some control over his own life.

Hi,
My daughter is 7 now. When she was 5 and 6, she really needed time to just be at home and do her own thing. I wouldn't worry too much about him wanting to be home. He could be very creative, self-motivated, interested in his own pursuits. Those are good things! It may be that he is growing, and is really tired after school, or that the school scene is so stimulating he wants a quiet time which he has control over. Save your money and all that extra driving, is my opinion. PS my daughter only goes to one activity a week now.:)
V

I wouldn't push it. You'll just be wasting money if he's never going to attend anything. There is so much learning jammed into the school day I don't think there's anything wrong with taking a break. Maybe you can get him into some summer programs or sports or something instead. I definitely wouldn't force him. He'll let you know what he wants to do. Extra curricular activities should be fun and something he wants to do not something he's made to do. So if you are willing to allow him to do after school activities I might just let him know if there's ever anything he thinks he might want to do to let you know. Otherwise I wouldn't force it.

I have a 12 year old who used to be the same way. We finally found something he likes (swimming) and it seems to be sticking. Some of these kids jsut dont do well in organized sports(teams). I would try to talk to him and see if he can give you a concrete reason . If there doesnt seem to be one , dont push him but let him know he needs to exercise and you'd like to find something hes interested in. Good luck!

HI R.,
I think if he wants to stay home and play, then let him saty home and play. Perhaps school is stressing him out a bit and he needs this time to decompress and relax a bit. He might even miss his two brothers andwant to play with them. In general the more time he can spend with his family the better he will be in the long run.

--Good luck,
C. W.
www.MyHomeCottageBiz.com
Helping families earn supplemental income.

TRUST your son! He knows what he needs and wants. School IS tiring, mentally and physically(mostly from lack of activity), and emotionally too.

Kids are soooo oversheduled these days. They don't know how to make decisions to fill their time.

They need freedom and the TIME to explore other things in life, and find ways to make themselves happy and this will help them grow as people.

If your son loves legos and computer but is never seeing friends, perhaps he would like a friend over sometimes to play those things. But it is also veryimportant to have *alone* time as well.

A good read is The Hurried Child by David Elkind

"So when you see your kid "doing nothing," whether she's sitting on the front steps, seeming to stare into space, or making a space colony under the dining room table, or re-reading a comic book for the 100th time, let her be. She's just taking a little time out of her busy day to have a childhood." ~Carleton Kendrick

~M.
www.anestinnature.com

I would let him be, as long as he seems happy and is doing his school work. I am the oldest of 6 and while I participated in a lot of activities, I had a younger brother that was never interested. He liked to watch tv and play computer games...he got into some activities when he got older, but they were more solitary sports (running, boxing) than team things. He's fine...graduating from law school this year. As long as they're happy, healthy and responsible...I say let them choose their own path.

Hi R.,
I don't believe there is a cause for alarm in comparison with your son's friend. 2 to 3 activities per week is wonderful if the child is interested in these activites. What may be "normal" for one child may not be for another. I do believe for you your your son's best interest he probably should have been convinced to follow through with Karate. If not just for a character builder to show him he can make lot more friends.

I also believe it is important for children to take part in extra activites as well as have choices. Therefore in your son's case I would give him a choice of 1 activity from 3 of your choosing. Once chosen he must see it through. I believe in the end he will see he really enjoys it and you will know it was all for his best interest.

Good Luck!

T. G.

As a teacher, I will say that in my opinion most kids are overscheduled. 2-3 activities per week is too much. During the school year, I strongly believe kids should not do more than one activity. We forget sometimes that they are still little kids and they do get tired. Down time and play time is crucial to development -- this is when they process all that has happened in their day. Too many kids now do not know how to play on their own. I know this sounds crazy but it is true. I have met many kids who do not know how to occupy themselves for even a few minutes. The fact that your son has these interests and wants to do them is great.

That being said, there are a few times when I may push the issue -- if you are worried that your son does not have friends or is anti-social you may want to explore other activities for him. If he is not taking to sports, you could try other things like scouts. If you are concerned about physical wellbeing, you may want to limit his legos and computer time until after an hour outside and you may want to structure this (Let's all take a walk, let's all take a bike ride) so he is actually being active not just sitting outside. Or you may want to look into swim lessons or something else that is active without being competitive.

Good luck! It can be hard sometimes to know what the right decision is, but listen to your child. If he is telling you he is too tired, he probably is!

DO NOT force him into doing activities, it will do more harm than good. To many people try to keep their kids active all the time. Let him go at his own pace he will find something he likes and will let you know. He may be better at something using his brain and not brawn, on the computer he can learn a lot of things that are good for him. As long as you monitor what he does, you never know he may be a computer whiz and be famous like Bill Gates!

First let me say all boys are NOT interested in sports type things. But you have offered art and music as well and he has refused.
One can have a child who is very non-physically inclined but this boy doesnt even seem interested in physically passive type activities. I would not take it amiss about the physical stuff if he were showing some interest in other fields but he is not.
I think I would have concerns that he seems so lethargic.
And I would take him to doctor and have a thorough check up. Vitamin deficiencies, thyroid, many things can cause a lack of stamina.
This is not normal at eight years old. See it sometimes in pubescents but not usually at eight years old.
He should at least be wanting to roughhouse with his friends, have a ball game, anything of the like.
In my opinion I would strongly advise you to keep at his doctor until he clears him of anything that could cause him to be so lethargic.
Best wishes and God bless
Grandmother Lowell

I would say limit his time w/ legos and computer and now that its getting nice out tell him he has to play outside for a certain period of time so that he is getting some exercise but I wouldn't be worried about the group activities I know I was and still am very shy and never enjoyed group activities and resent my mom a little for forcing me to go I would have preferred to come home do my homework and play outside on our swing set by myself or with my best friend. The fact that he didn't want to go to karate after his friend quit tells me he is probably shy but felt comfortable enough to go because his friend was there. Give him a break and just make sure when he is home that he gets some physical activity not just computer games.

My son is exactly the same. He wanted to play soccer, I signed him up and he hated it. He wanted T-ball instead so I signed him up for that, he played by himself in the back of the gym both classes and never got involved and didn't wanted to go after a few classes. He even wanted to take music cause he loves playing instruments but once in the class he was unhappy. He says the other kids banging and making to much noise hurts his ears. He loves to play at home or the park but has 0 interest in teams or group activities unless they are very small groups. I was told it is no big deal and just don't sign him up and waste any more money and let them do what they enjoy. I wouldn't worry at all.

I think doing 2-3 afterschool activities a week is way too many at this age level. Why do parents feel the need to keep their kids running from one thing to the next? Kids need unstructured play time to just be kids and come up with their own imaginative play. Their school day is all structured for them - must their free time be structured for them, too? This drives me crazy. My boys only participate in Little League, which takes place only in the spring. It is a short season and then the rest of the year they are free to just be kids. Growing up in the '70s, my afterschool hours were spent outside with my friends, riding bikes around the neighborhood, climbing trees, catching frogs, etc. Nothing was structured and it was wonderful. Kids work hard all day long in school, when they get home they truly are tired and it's not fair to expect them to be able to focus on a structured activity for the rest of the day. Just my 2 cents! Cut him some slack! If he's really interested in doing an activity, he'll let you know. And in the meantime, enjoy less running around for YOU!

Hi R.,

It could be that your son is feeling a little left out. I can imagine two baby brothers in two years must have some impact on a boy who had you all to himself for six years. Is there also a new marriage? Maybe you son in just trying to adjust. Boys sometimes aren't too good at sharing their emotions. In fact, they sometimes even have a hard time identifying their emotions. It is also possible that he is more of a "techie" once you tap into his interests you may be more likely to get him to be actively involved.

Best Wishes,
J. L.

First of all, my heart goes out to you. I know you want what's best for your boy, but you are saying: "I should probably force him to do something! Look at the other boys!" You know, my son is 18 and I sometimes STILL feel this way! Sad, isn't it? It never changes, I'm afraid. We are always looking at what our neigbors are doing, even if we don't want to admit it. We don't want OUR kids to miss out on anything. Now on to my anwer: My son only took one thing a week. Some of this classmates had several things - a school-related sport like soccer, piano lessons, tennis lessons, etc. and I always felt that while I thought that was too much and was ridiculous for those kids, I also wondered if I was not providing enough to my child? But keep in mind - your son might not be that into sports. Mine really wasn't - although he played the little league and soccer and even golf, in elementary school (bought him beginner clubs and everything) and he played football for a year in high school, he preferred to come home, play video games, have a part time job, etc. So the best advice I can give you is that no matter how much you try to offer your child, it's his decision in the end. You will drive yourself crazy, and him too. You have to accept him for who he is. Trust me, you are not the cause of his not wanting to do sports. Some kids are just not that into it. It's nothing against you or him. The problem is the looks and "Oh!" comments from the other mothers. That's the thorn in our side. Just say to the mothers if they think your son should be doing more extra-curricular activities: "Oh, I didn't know you were so concerned about my son and my family business! Hold on, let me get some of my bills for you to pay since you are so concerned about my family!" Maybe it will lighten things up a bit or, at the very least, give them the message to mind their own business. Good luck! :)

Personally, I would give him a break. Who says he needs to participate in after school activities? Especially if he hates going. Give him the semester/year off and then revisit this next year. He's only 8. You might want to keep him away from the TV/computer, and make sure he gets some exercise. But building with legos, if that's what he wants to do, is something enjoyable and educational, and is still a way for him to express himself.

My 2 daughters, now 9 and 12, both just did Brownies/Girl Scouts after school, once every 2 weeks. They both are exhausted after school from all the noise and the rigid schedule. They prefer to come home and play outside on the swings or ride scooters or play inside with dolls or draw or paint. We have a rule of no screen time (TV, nintendo, Wii, etc.) until homework is done. I usually let them play for about an hour and then they start homework.
They added horseback riding (a very individual activity) and the older one dropped Girl Scouts.
I think kids need free time to do what they like. Perhaps suggest an individual to your son, maybe he does not like the crowded noisy groups like my kids. If not, let him be, as long as he has some friends and seems happy.

For some kids, all they ever want to do is Legos. For others, they always want to do sports. Still others, just want to be musical, or study (rare but possible : P), or read, or whatever their thing is. Each child is an individual, with individual rates of maturity, so "normal" is subjective. Does your son engage well with family or friends? That would be my main question at this age. If so, I wouldn't worry too much about what "normal" is.

Meanwhile, I have some other thoughts...How much time is your son allowed on the computer? Almost every kid I know would play on a computer for as much time as possible, if allowed. Do you think he's saying no because he knows he'll get more computer, or any kind of screen, time? Do you think he feels competent, or incompetent, in the things you're thinking up for him? Do you think it's a battle of the wills between you and him for control of his own free time and activity level? Or does he simply have a good sense of what he really wants to do?

I am a big believer in allowing kids to be kids, to allow them enough free time to play as they choose. Those quiet times are often when the stuff they learned during the day gets cemented in their brains. I also only allow one hour of computer time to encourage the play/chill/active time. And that doesn't mean I need to entertain our son in the "down time". It's his chance to direct what he wants to do.

These days, many kids are WAY TOO scheduled. It's gotten to the point where our son doesn't even like to play with some of the kids whose lives are so structured and who are signed up for everything. Why? Because many of them don't know how to play, simply play, and use their minds creatively. My son and his pals can play for HOURS with their Legos, even at age 12. (I think it helps them to think "outside the box" as they grow older which is an excellent skill to have.)

And yet, physical activity is important for overall health. When our son was younger and school work was light, I would always sign him up for one sport per season. I wanted him to get used to having at least one sport throughout the year to keep him active. A couple times he wanted to quit, but I usually didn't let him, because it was just that he didn't want to shift gears. I always gave him the opportunity to say yes or no at sign-up time. But if he said yes, i expected him to finish the season.

Even if he was not a natural athlete, he usually enjoyed playing and running around once he actually got there. I figured it was good for his body and for learning how to finish a commitment. I didn't expect perfection, but I expected general participation if he said yes at the beginning of the season.

On the flip side, our son IS a natural thinker. He excels more at school than he does at sports, and it's important he is recognizing his strengths.

As the years have passed, he has grumped more and more about the sports as his homework load has increased. This year, I finally let him forego some sports because he seemed to be making the decision from a responsible point of view. (I never thought the day would come when our son would decline something because he was gauging his workload!)

This fall, he played outdoor soccer, but has chosen to not do indoor soccer, downhill skiing, or baseball in various seasons. I knew he wasn't going to do the baseball because his best friend wasn't doing it this year (for our son, baseball is social because his skills are often surpassed by his friends). Plus, some of the sports are getting more and more competitive.

We have never let our son be involved in more than 2 things at a time--scouting and ONE sport. (Church stuff is consistently on the weekends, so we don't count the youth group events as extra-curricular.) But with school getting more complex in 6th grade, he is opting for just one extracurricular activity. Although it concerns me that he is ditching most of the sports, I have concluded he is the best judge of his level of commitment. He is continuing Scouts, which he has done for years, but for now the sports are out.

Kids are perceptive. Is your son good at the sports or is he not that great at them? Some kids are gifted with athletic talent, others are gifted in other areas. Is it possible your son is recognizing that his strengths are not in sports or the arts? Or does he realize he can quit and get back to the computer or TV if he makes a big enough stink? At 8, kids love to make a stink instead of gearing up for a sport or taking lessons (especially when they're engrossed with their Legos or have another "level" to complete on their computer game!)

If you ask yourself some of these questions, or even ask your son some of them, you might have the answer you need with your son.

Good luck!

Look into your school or local area Lego
Leagues, at 8 your son should be old
enough. My son is 6 and I wish he could
join.
Peterborough has one for 6 up. There are
clubs and competitions all around, look
online

Maybe he just needs a break for a short while. I would let him go without extracurriculars till the end of the school year. Then insist he do a couple of weeks of a day camp this summer. Get brochures from many camps or activities and let him choose. Check local community farms, nature centers or the aquarium. They offer some unique camps that may be more his speed. Make sure he knows he has to choose two and then go from there.
He may just need some down time.
It's not unusual for kids to dislike after school activities. There is so much that they have to do and learn just in a regular school day- that I can see how he would be tired and just want to play by himself in his down time. I would honor that request and not push the issue too much.
Just make sure he gets plenty of outdoor playtime and doesn't hide in his room with his legos or computer. That can lead to weight gain.
Good luck!
-S.

I agree with the comments about overscheduled children, and that kids are tired when they get home from school. I would add that, if the computer games/legos appear to be addictive in any way, that's a problem. However, creativity is really important, and the legos allow for that, as do many (not all) computer activities.

I think all children should engage in some form of physical activity, but it does not have to be through organized team sports. Encourage your child to run around, to ride a bike, or accompany him on nature hikes. Perhaps he might like a nature exploration kit, with a magnifying glass, tweezers, a net, jars for keeping specimens (be sure he lets living things go at the end of the day!), and so on - you can buy one ready-made, or work with him to create his own. You can buy, or borrow from the library, some books on rocks/minerals, ants/worms, stars, animal tracks, and so on. My son adored these types of activities and now is a very creative envirionmental engineering student - he was always fascinated by science, how things worked, etc. He built "habitats" for ants and salamanders, inspected rocks, built birdfeeders/houses, caught frogs, hammered nails into scrap wood, and so on.

If your son is uncomfortable socially, that might be something to address. If he cannot focus on one activity or, conversely, transition from one activity to another, that may be cause for concern. One mom mentioned attention issues, which is worth investigating if you see other signs. However, if he is simply tired of structure and group activities at the end of a long school day, please resist the pressure to pay a lot of money for more of the same. Set up occasional play dates with one other child, unless there are kids in the neighborhood that he can connect with. We always were viewed as the "coolest house" because we had outdoor stuff, crafts, rocks and mud instead of karate uniforms and soccer cleats - by all means, let your child be who he is!

Some kids need downtime after school. Especially if school isn't really their cup of tea! But even if your son loves school, it could be that he just needs some time with less stimulation. This isn't weird, he's just not in the majority. Studies show that about 20% of people may be in this boat. So just 'cause other kids are doing it doesn't mean it's right for him, kwim? My brother was like that. I could have gone all day doing stuff, but he needed more downtime, esp. right after school, and he turned out great!

Edited to add: What if you try him on one weekend activity? Then you'll know if it's just the timing that's an issue...

Give him a break, kids are WAY overscheduled. Let him have quiet time, the fact that he wants to play with Legos is fantastic. There are lots of Lego-related activities too that he can expand into if interested, but don't push it. See what comes natural to him, how he likes to spend his time, and make suggestions in a few months. Nothing is wrong with reading or playing after school, alone or with friends. Not all kids want to be involved in group activities.

Is it possible he doesn't feel he can excel in these activities. Try to find a lego club or computer club for him to join. Then you can possible tell him he needs to do at least one of these activities. When you mention this to him, watch his body language. Hope this helps.