24 answers

8 Year Old Understanding About Her Biological Father

Hi ladies, Wow I am so confused right now. I have a 8 year old daughter from a previous relationship, I was 18 when I had her and her ather was only 16, he decided that he was not ready to be a father, he has paid cjild support for her the whole time but has only seen her twice since she was born. I tried to get him to see her when she was a baby but he refused so I gave up. My husband has been around since she was 2 and she know him as daddy, Well yesterday I recived a call from her fathers mother wanting to know how my daughter is doing and would like to see her if I thoght it would be ok. I don't know what to do. My husband is angry with them for not making the effort all these years, but I can't lie to my daughter anymore I am planning on telling her about her father soon. How do I do this and thy to keep everyone happy?

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Featured Answers

Sometimes the best thing to do be very honest and as straight forward for her as you can be. Tell her the truth as she would know it. Just let her know you didn't keep this from her. The only problem is not all may be happy for a while. But they will. Keeping it honest and open will help.

peace

More Answers

Okay K.,I am a little confused by this story.
You have 3 children, 8,3,and 5months and say you have been married for only a year. Now, is the man who raised your 8 year old since she was 2, the same man of the 3 yr old? And is the father of the 5 month old not the father of the 8 and 3 year old? I don't understand who is the man standing in as her father at this point, which could be another problem.
Any how, I agree that you need to tell the grandparents that she is not prepared at this time and that when the time comes, she will let her see her. I believe that this would have a great impact on her life at this point in her life. I believe as a grandmother, she would understand.
As for the father, well, the blame can't be only on him. This is the price we pay when we are babies having babies and unfortunatly this little boy has still not grown up.

talk to your husband and make sure he understands you feel this is the best thing to do. Pray for help and guidance. If you do this, you'll be directed to say what needs to be said in the best way.

I completely agree with those who have suggested honesty as the best option. I can't speak from personal experience, other than of a friend who was a pre-teen when she found out her dad was not her biological dad. He showed up at her 8th grade graduation - surprising everyone, and I know how hard she took it. I don't think it gets easier for the child the older he/she gets - in fact, I think it gets harder. After you explain the situation to your daughter, then give her some time, and ultimately let your daughter decide if she wants to see her. Or at least, that's my advice...

I had a similar situation with my son. He was 9 years old when he was told. The only person you should be worried about is your little girl. Your Husband is an adult and will be fine. When my son found out he had a few questions and then went on his way. He only has one Dad and that is the man who tucks him in at night. Your little girl will be the same. But the truth will set you free! Maybe you should check in to adoption and then you wont have to worry about Bio-Dad's Mom. It sounds like he is reasonable and wants to do the right things. Good Luck!

You definately should give the biological father a chance! The decisions he made at 16 should not be thrown in his face now that he's more grown up. The fact that he has stayed present, if only in the form of child support, speaks for him. Some effort was being made to do the right thing for her. He is now 24, right? That is still very "young" to be a father, and even if he blows it this time, he still deserves another chance after this one. Like it or not, these people have a claim on your child too.

Perhaps it is a good way to bring up the matter with your daughter. "'Daddy' is your daddy, and he loves you very much. Your father is someone else, and he and his family would very much like to meet you. There are many people in your life who love you and think you are special." For your husband, you can have the same conversation: "You are her "daddy" and nothing can change that. He is her father, and needs the chance to explore that relationship, and she is old enough to get to know him. She has many people in her life who think she is special and who love her, and he and his family can be a part of that. It won't weaken her love for you!"

Don't most parents wonder if they will love their 2nd child as much as they love their first? But there is enough love for them all, right? Same with your husband--let him know that she will have enough love for all three parents, and all 6 grandparents!

Hi K.,
I agree that you should be honest and straight forward with her about how she came to be, so it is time to tell her the truth. However, I am not one of those people that believes that "family" has much to do with being biologically related and everything to do with loving and caring for one another. So, keeping your immediate family happy and secure is the most important thing. If inviting people who are biologically related to your daughter, but who don't know her at all, into your lives will be disruptive then don't do it. They could perhaps begin a relationship through cards or short e-mails on holidays and then let her decide when she is a teenager if she wants to meet them.
Your only obligation here is to protect your daughter, yourself and your marraige. Sit down with your husband, who IS her father, and decide how you want to tell her the truth. And then assure her that you are still her same family that you have always been and always will be.
You will get through this. Take care,
B.

WOW
in 8 years the grandma shows up???

I may seem rude, but I'd say:
dear so to say grandma, where have you been for 8 years ???
Now, we have a life going on here, and a good life, and a FAMILY, if you know what I mean, and the three beautiful souls to raise, and they know the value of love and caring and sharing.
Now, if you want to see MY DAUGHTER, then before you two meet, I need to know EXACTLY how will you explain her what is the meaning of LOVE, CARING AND SHARING, supported by the EXAMPLES from real life of yours! The situation is, that LOVE is not a NOUN, it is a VERB, and if not cared for, it dies, like everything what is alive. If nurtured and cared for though, then it only grows. Sorry, the situation IS difficult, because for 8 years, you left this child in the desert of no love and care from your side, so what is it there now going on that you need to see the Flower that blooms not in your garden? Dear grandmother, if you have answers to these questions, we can talk, before we will make a decision. If you have no answers, we can wait 'till the answers come."
To my 8 YEARS OLD daughter, I would not in no way start mssing up her perception of the reality of her FAMILY: loving daddy, mommy and dear sisters< this is her stable and happy world!!!
Can you imagine how much confusion will come into her life?
it is a very hard decision to make. I would start such revelation at her age of about 18, maybe, if there would be a real need for it, otherwise, why would her world be turned upside down, when she is growing in love and care, in thw world wthout trouble.

One question: so, you say, this is grandma who needs to see her, as she says. How about the biological dad? he still is no in need of her??? Now, if he is not even going to make appearance on the horizon, how could you explain this to your daughter??? BLOOD DOES NOT MAKE IT A FATHER, except that on papers, but not in life, as father is love and caring and sharing! To tell her: dear daughter, you have a father, but he could care less, so this is your Daddy, and father is just because of... what?

I am really sorry that this decision is hanging over your head,
and I am sorry I am harsh, K., but I believe children come first:
think about what is best for your daughter,
for her development, growth, health, and wellbeing.
This will help you to make a right choice.

(My parents did not want to see my sons until boys were 2 and 4 years old. We lived in the same town, and did not meet as they did not like my choice of my husband and dad for kids:
we were 21 then, old enough to make choices, right?! but they did not like him, so they refused to communicate with my family. Well, they finally met and we slowly reesablished the relations in the extended family, but my elder boy asked the granprents out front (at his 4 years old!!!): "why have you never come visit us, and we never saw you, when we live so close???"
You may be sure your daughter will ask this question to her biological grandma, so it will be very nice of you to prepare the grandma for such a quest so she better has a good response to it, not messing around with the child's mind fr her owm benefit, and the loss of reality...

Good luck, K.,
please act wisely!
Also, please liosten to what your dear hubby has to say on this situation
as he loves nyour girls, and h cares,
and YOU ARE A FAMILY !!! STAY AS ONE !!!

Sometimes the best thing to do be very honest and as straight forward for her as you can be. Tell her the truth as she would know it. Just let her know you didn't keep this from her. The only problem is not all may be happy for a while. But they will. Keeping it honest and open will help.

peace

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