8 Year Old Son Does Not Want to Sleep in His Own Bed

Hi C.,

I was a single mom for 9 years. My youngest daughter is now 10 but she slept with me until I remarried about a year ago. It is a security blanket for them. Children are scared when one parent has left and in a sense feel abandoned. I read an article that stated that is their "quality time" and what makes them feel safe. I sympathize with you because I have fought that battle. It is tough not getting solid rest. There is light at the end of the tunnel. They do grow out of it. Especially since he is a boy. He will not want his friend to find out. That would be totally uncool. I know it's hard but try to be patient and know this a very long phase he is going through but he will grow out of it. My daughter now sleeps in her room and doing very well.

Good Luck!

Dear C. G

I can relate to your delima, as my daughter had her son sleeping with her from birth, due to living with us and not enough room. When we finishing building our house we started to wine him off of sleeping with anyone at the age of 5. It wasn't easy. We placed a sleeping bag by the bed to get him use to sleeping by himself. That helped for a little while. So we tried putting a cot in her room for him to sleep on. Again it helped for awhile. Finally, we were told to try putting a baby monitor in the room. So we did and told him if he needed us to just tell us when he woke up and we could hear him and come to him. It worked great. For a little while we would have to go in and set with him until he went to sleep. Hope this will help.

S. R.

When he wakes up, does he go to the bathroom before coming into your bed? Maybe that is the trigger waking him. Try to cut his fluid intake at night and see if that helps. In the meantime have a talk with him. In your own way, let him know that he is too grown up to sleep with his Mom. Reassure him that you love him very much, but tell him it is not appropriate for big boys and Moms to sleep together. It is just a habit and those take time to be broken. When he does come in, tell him to go get back in his bed. I would kind of revert my thinking back to training a toddler and make sure he has a "lovey" to sleep with (blanket or stuffed animal) and that he isn't "scared" of the room. Does he have a nightlight? Don't tease him, or belittle him of course, or treat him like a baby, just be aware of things that he may be feeling. Good luck and God Bless you both!

Have you tried giving him the option of 1. sleeping on the floor next to your bed? "Momy needs to be her very best employee too honey so I need the best nigth sleep I can get". Let;s save our specail time for weeekdns." How about that bussy? Worth a try. You are a great MOm C., J.:)

it will take 2 weeks and you will be tired - tell him everynight it is you job to stay in your bed - if you get out of bed I will not talk to you and I will take you back to your bed - if you are consistent this works - I've done it with 2 boys

i have two kids, 7 and 3. neither one of them like to sleep by themselves. same as you, my boy (7) stayed with me because of a round of illness, and then marriage problems. we still don't have everyone in their own beds, but one attempt to understand it was this: we journaled about it together. what are you afraid of in your room? what don't you like when you are by yourself, how does it make you feel? etc etc. he answered many things, like one thing that scares him is that he makes eye contact with things in him room... so we re-organized a little so pictures wouldn't be visible from his bed, and we gave him an eye pillow. that is just one example, but writing it down and talking about it, and problem solving together seemed beneficial. i know at some point they are going to want their privacy, but right now, we are just stumbling through...

My oldest is nine and did this herself but with some advice from my pediatrician we broke her of this habit. I started with a set of blankets on the floor and told her that if she got up to lay on this next to my bed. When she would try to get in my bed i would redirect her to her place and as the days went by i would move the pad closer to her room finally when it was in her room she no longer would get up. hope you find something that works for your son.

It sounds like you have tried everything i have. However i have a seven year old who does the same thing. So, i am interested in what advice you get. there is always some excuse. have you tried tv or radio at night. My oldest has to have the light and the noise to sleep. It worked for my oldest. but, my youngest is still a mystery. I too am a single mom now. however my soon to be ex has her most of the time. so, what do you do? I cling to her when i have her so i let her sleep wherever she wants. but, what happens when i get remarried...

C.,
I had my eldest also always sleeping with us ever since he was born, it was easier just to put him in our bed and then when he was asleep, and I was still awake, I would put him in his bed. He would wake up at night and then walk over to our bed and say..Mommy.. and he would jump in our bed. I had a second baby then and fortunately that baby was always sleeping in his cib/bed.

It was always in the middle, between us, then he moved to the bottom part of the bed, then later on we had a sort of big pillow where he slept on the floor, then little by little he stay in his bed till I think he was bout 8 years old. We would put him and his younger brother in their beds, but at night time, he would always walk over to ours.

Maybe you can start with him going in his bed, but assure him when he is waking up in the middle of the night, he could still come to you for assurance.

From my own experiences, IT WILL GO AWAY WITHIN TIME. Now mine is 21 away to College and sleeping in his own bed!!!

Good luck, G. Q.

I let my boys have a TV in their room - but NOT connected to cable. I let them watch their videos/movies that they have seen a million times at bedtime. Because they have seen them so many times, they don't hold their interest and keep them awake, but they distract them enough from thinking about the boogie man, or whatever is keeping them from sleeping in their own rooms. You might try this, it works for my kids and many other kids I know. I know it is a type of crutch, but my advice with kids is, "Whatever works!" Good luck!

As a foster mom who has dealt with children who have many emotional problems, it sounds like he is just trying to find security and comfort again with having to deal with emotions of divorce. My brother had this same problem growing up. He slept with my parents for years until they finally said enough and we would find him in the morning sleeping on the floor with his sleeping bag outside their door. He got tired of that and started sleeping in my sister's and my room. This continued until he was twelve and finally decided on his own that he was a big boy and wanted his own room again. We had tried everything up until that point. Some kids just need to decide for themselves or come up with an idea to make him think its his decision to sleep in his own bed. Gives them some sense of control.

It's hard, esp. when you're single and you figure it's easier to just give in, but he does need to start sleeping on his own. Here's what I did with my daughter: I allowed her to make a "nest" on the floor of my room with blankets and pillows. She was close by, yet it wasn't nearly as comfortable as being on a comfy mattress. On school nights she had to sleep in her room. If she gave me flak about it, she lost her "nesting" privilege on the weekends. Eventually she got tired of sleeping on the floor and slept in her bed full-time.

Lock your bedroom door. Also put a deadbolt sans key on any entry door to the house. If he whines... tell him you are not going to tolerate that behavior and tune him out. Stick to your guns.

Hi C. -

Kudo's to you for being so caring and loving to your son - helping him so much with his sleep.

Remember that from ages 8-9+ kids are leaving their magical thinking and starting to see the real world. This often causes anxiety and fear in kids as everything seems quite intense in the way of the "real world". Maybe this is happening.

You may have a sensitive son, and it sounds like he had some issues early on and was lucky enough to have such a committed mother caring for him. Some kids just get lonely.

These are possibilities as to why your son needs you more than usual. So, given whatever fits his personality, it is important for you to then work within that arena with him.

Ask him questions about why he thinks he needs to share bedtime, night-time, etc.. Ask him how he feels about it; when he wakes, how does he feel? Then collect all info you can from him. Ask him if he can think of anything that might make him feel better about this, other than getting into your bed - tell him to get creative and funny and silly - a lot can come out of this kind of talk, you would be surprised - it will also lighten it up for everyone.

You can brainstorm then and try and work with him on solutions. A comfortable bed is good - what about a special quilt/blanket, even an animal, stuffed or real to sleep with, calming music that he can play. Our son used to get up every morning at 4am - we solved him waking us by placing a very small TV with VCR and put a movie in it for him all ready and then in the mornings he could just turn it on and watch a movie.

You must teach him to self soothe - what can he do when he feels a certain way? Talk with him and give him the tools to help himself over time.

Alli

Do not cut him off from your bed immed but gradually work with him as he is ready. Make workable boundaries concerning this - each with steps for him to feel good about and respect.

There are many things you can do to help him if you just get creative with him - let him initiate as much as possible.

My 8 yo son sleeps with me too. As a single working mom, I appreciate the closeness this allows. In the hours after I pick him up from afterschool care and bedtime, he has so much energy that he is bouncing around, and I am so busy with cooking, housework, etc. that there is rarely time to snuggle. So, for me, nightime is our quiet snuggle time. It is also a time that he feels comfortable telling me about his worries, etc. I am concerned about psychological problems that may come from this, but I figure that he will want his privacy at some point and voluntarily go to his room. Good luck!

I never liked kids in my bed. Just couldn't do it. BUT they had different ideas. Since I didn't like them in my bed, they'd crash on my floor beside my bed. Sometimes I'd wake up during the night and have to crawl over 3 or 4 of them on my floor. They finally quit doing that when they were almost teens. I know this doesn't help you but I just wanted you to know that you are not alone and that it will pass. I have no advice for you. Just wanted you to know you are NOT alone. Good luck.

Don't fret, enjoy these precious times, unless you can't sleep because he's in your bed. Here are a few things I've tried and all worked untill something major happend in our lives.
Justin had a "Mama" pillow. When he missed me during the night he'd hug a pillow that I would spray my perfume on and think of me, he would go right back to sleep".
Kevin was a bit more challanging. We recently mooved into a new home with a large window in his room. (He's 8) After several months of him coming into our bedroom I finally sat down with him one night and we talked about it. He was afraid someone could get into his "big" window. I told him that the cross pains in the window are steel and that there is an alarm system (there really is an alarm system) that would scare anyone off and wake us up if someone hit the glass. We prayed together that he would be able to sleep in his room everynight. He now sleeps in his room. We are all happy as can be...

Hi C.,
I have a 6 year old who were having the same issue with. Like you we've tried everything. We finally bought him a futon and put it at the foot of our bed. If he falls asleep on the couch in the living room we leave him there. He's an only child and says he feels better sleeping with us. I think it's a security thing. I vote for whatever it takes to raise a well adjusted person.

I'm a mother of four. Several years ago, when my oldest child was about 4 or 5 she started waking up and coming in to our room at night and wanting to sleep with us. I can't remember what started the whole thing, but we made a rule that if she was going to sleep in our room, she was going to sleep on the floor. She would bring her pillow and blanket and camp out on the floor. We thought we were successful because she was out of our bed, but then her little brother started camping out with her on the floor. At that point, we just put our foot down, got out of bed and took them back to their rooms and made them sleep there.

My opinion is that he is probably waking up and coming into your room out of routine at this point. Your son is 8 and he can handle this. You aren't hurting him by making him sleep in his own bed. You aren't being a bad mom because you want him to sleep in his own bed. Don't let any guilt from the move or problems with his dad get in the way.
Whenever you have to get tough with your kids, they push back to see at what point you will cave in to them. Most of the time it gets worse before it gets better, but you really have to hold to your guns. Set a rule that has a consequence. Enforce the consequence. He has to know what to expect 100% of the time, which means you have to be consistent.

I've been at this a long time and I know that consistency is also the hardest part of parenting. Sometimes you are too tired for the battle, but if you want something to change you have to really stick with it. Some battles aren't worth fighting and others are worth every second of the battle.

Hold to your guns! You can do it! Good luck.

I've never had this problem.. so I don't know if this would work or not..Maybe if you two spend about 1/2 hour in bed talking about your day, and then when it's bedtime, he goes to his room... That way, he'll get to spend time with you where he is comfortable and enjoys it, and hopefully that will satisfy him for the rest of the night. I"m pregant now, and I go lay down before everyone else; recently my 10 year old loves to crawl in bed with me for a few minutes before he goes to bed. He loves getting under the covers and we visit. My kids need a nightlight or their closet light too. Good luck.

I have a seven year old daughter, who has been doing the same things and what I did was changed her room around to make her feel comfortable with being alone in the room. Maybe it might work for him. Put a little style to his space and explain how mommy space is for her to relax and that he can do the same in his.

Dear C.,
I am a divorce lawyer. I will tell you that having your son sleep in bed with you at this age will be used against you in Court. I encourage you to do everythign possible to break him of the habit NOW. Perhaps you can reward him by starting a rewards program wherein for each night he sleeps in his own bed he gets points. When he gets so many points you will take him to the movie of his choice, order out for pizza, take him roller skating, have a sleep over with a buddy form school or whatever you come up with. Also having a special night time ritual will help. I used as a lullaby light that reflected on the ceiling to help put my kids back to sleep. Perhaps a large stuffed animal in bed to snuggle into will help. Keep trying. It is important that you break this cycle.Good luck.

It is not the worst thing in the world to let your child sleep with you. Before I had children, I was set that my children would NOT sleep with me. I went through the same back and forth that you described with my daughter as far as the sleep goes. I finally gave up for awhile during my 2nd pregnancy and let her sleep with me. But after my boy came, I was not getting enough rest with getting up with him to feed in the night and her kicking me and practically sleeping on top snuggled with me. Around the world other cultures sleep together. It is not a big deal. I do think that it is safer for a child to sleep in their own bed, but it is not the end of the world if they dont.
I have now gotten my daughter to sleep ALL night in her own bed, with the exception of a handful of nights over the last several months. I ended up putting her mattress on the floor next to my bed. She needed the closeness of know I was right there and I can see her and roll back over and go back to sleep without worry.

Hope that helps.

Jaime Nguyen

hi connie,
wow! you sure have received a lot of advice so far. has any of it worked for you?? i tried the idea of a 'sleep fairy' or maybe you could say a 'sleep super hero'. this magical person leaves a small treat/surprise under their pillow for every night they sleep ALL night in their own bed. as you know this whole co-sleeping thing is very common now-a-days. however, it seems your son is getting a little old for it, and more importantly you sound as if neither of you are getting decent sleep from it.
both our girls are FINALLY sleeping all night in their own beds. they STILL try to sneak in, and on the weekends, we say it okay if it's early morning, but not during the week. i agree that it is nice to snuggle, but i also agree that everyone gets better rest in their very own bed!! my friend just broke her 4 1/2 yr old from sleeping in her bed by rearranging her bedroom and the sllep fairy reward thing. best of luck to you!! be strong, he needs consistancy!!!!

We own a HUGE king sized bed - some mornings, at least one of my 3 kiddos are between me and daddy! My girls, 7 & 6 are the worst culprits!

You guys have surely developed a very close bond. He needs you as much as I'm sure you need him. I believe with firm and loving consistency, putting him back into his bed over and over will eventually become less of a routine. I have noticed that our girls have become less frequent bed pals with us over the last year.

Good luck!;-)