8 Month Old with Separation Anxiety

Oh my gosh, I just posted this exact same question a week ago! My 8 month old is exactly the same. He has to have me right by his side, even when he's playing. I've been talking to him while I do others things ,(going to the restroom, preparing meals, bottles, etc) just so he knows I haven't left or forgotten him. My sister told me that if I wanted to get anything done I will have to ignore the screams at times. It's true. Lately he has gotten better and I can leave the room for a min or two without him noticing. I know you have a three year old and that makes things that much harder! Just know you are doing a good job and this too, like everyhting else, is a phase and will pass. Sometimes I just have to say to myself that in a couple years I will be asking "why doesn't he want his mommy?!"

Hi M.,

You sound like a good Mommy, but one who is already allowing the situation to be manipulated by an 8 month old. If this is truly separation anxiety, then you won't be doing him any favors by feeding in to it. If that is what it is rather than being really smart and figuring out that 'if I scream Mommy comes back, or stays in the room' why should he stop this effective behavior. He doesn't think of it as manipulation but a means to an end, just like crawling, etc. I would consistently and lovingly tell him Mommy will be right back, if that is the case, or Mommy will be back if it is not going to be right back. This allows him to trust, and you to pay attention to your three year old, OR go to the bathroom in relative peace:-)

Separation anxiety is absolutely normal at this age and is an important developmental stage - and it is also a very good sign that you are an excellent mother and your baby is well attached! He is learning about comings and goings and he needs the security of knowing that you are always there for him. It won't last forever, and the more willing you are to be there for him through this, the more smoothly he'll move through it and the more secure and independent he'll be as a result. I'd suggest carrying him as much as he likes, offering to take him with you if you are going to leave the room, leaving the bathroom door open, and, if you really need to leave a room without him, explain to him very clearly that you are going and will be back soon, and empathize with his feelings. You can also play some games with him, like peekaboo and other kinds of disappearing and reappearing games, where he can be in control, and that will help him discharge his fears through laughter and learn that when you leave, you will indeed come back. You talk about leaving the bathroom door open so he can see you from his crib - I'm wondering why he is in his crib if he's awake? Ideally the way it works at this stage of development is that the baby, who has been held close, carried, and slept with since birth, as he begins to move on his own and crawl away from mother, is able to crawl away from her and explore the world, knowing that mother is right where he left her and that he can either crawl right back to her or call out and she will come to him. I don't know what you're doing at nighttime - if you're not cosleeping (which I highly recommend, as it helps babies to feel secure so that they can go out and explore and become independent), I hope that you go to him right away during the night if he needs you. This will also help him to feel secure and not so anxious. And at this age, babies are naturally especially attached to mom, and the more secure they feel in their bond with mom, the sooner and better they'll be able to feel safe also with dad, friends etc. And of course your 3 year old needs attention and reassurance too, I know it can be a hard balancing act to meet both of their needs. I hope you have support and other adults to help out, socialize with etc.

Hi M.,

It's very typical for babies of your son's age to show signs of separation anxiety. It's the point at which babies are becoming aware that when objects or people are out of their view, those items or people are still there. Perhaps your little one is reacting strongly, but the response is quite natural. It can be frustrating, however, especially for mothers who work. Children have the innate fear of abandonment. I would suggest that you start using some simple routines when you walk away or leave. Be consistant, and eventually, your baby will associate your leaving with coming back. I would advise against sneaking away when you leave. That can be confusing and frightening for a little one. Once your son understands that you will return, I'm guessing he will handle the initial separation better. It may take some time and patience, but he'll figure it out. In the meantime, I don't see the problem with keeping the door to the bathroom open. Please remember that these phases never last long; they just seem to when you're in the middle of them. Good luck to you and your little ones!

Separation anxiety is completely normal at this age. I'd be more worried if he/she didn't have it (attachment disorder). Expect it for another year or two.

Well, the good news is it won't last forever. I say just try and hang in there with him...and leave him as little as possible until this passes. Don't ever trick him, not that you would, but just make sure he always knows you will be right back if you say you will. One of these days he'll be over it!

M.,

This is a very normal thing at this age. My daughter is 14 months old and still really clingy to me, but she's been that way since she was born. The best thing that I've found is to talk to them. Mommy's going to _________ I'll be right back. And then talk to them while you're in the other room. At 8 months they're starting to get the idea of object permanence, but it's not there yet.

Hope this helps,
Melissa

Hi M.,
I have a 22 month old son that was the exact same way, he either had to be in my arms or was able to hear my voice so that he knew I was nice and close, and he was that way till he started walking at 15 months, even if I was in another room and he was able to see me but couldn't touch me he got upset. Once he started walking and going around the house on his own to explore, his grip got more and more loose and now he'll say bye bye when I leave the house and will do just fine without me, he only needs his blanket to feel secure.

M.-
My daughter is now 8 months and did the same thing when she was 7 months. It drove me crazy - I felt I couldn't get anything done around the house. If I left to the laundry room she would cry. But to help you feel better - she stopped after about 3 weeks. I can now go to the bathroom, unload the dryer, or make her lunch with out her screaming and turning into tears. (It really broke my heart!) I think what changed was she can now crawl like crazy. If I leave the room she now chases me down. Is your son crawling yet? Maybe that will make a difference. Until then just talk to him to reasure him you are not leaving.
-A. :)

I was in the military for 10 years and had to leave my daughter with other people from the beginning (she's 5 now). I found that the best thing to do, even as an infant, is to #1 get his attention (sometimes I had to hold my daughter to get her attention),
#2 tell him that you am leaving and what you will be doing (taking out the trash, going to work, shopping, going out with a friend, etc),
#3 how long you will be gone (I'll be right back, I fogot something in the car that I have to get so I'll be right back but I'm going to have to leave again for work, I'll be gone for a few hours, days, weeks, months, long time),
#4 assure him that you will be back,
and #5 let him know your back as soon as you get there.
If he has a big problem (which my daughter would every once in awhile) you'll want to work it in baby steps. Start with taking out the trash and going to the bathroom, or just being in the other room. At 8 months I'm sure he can crawl pretty good by now so you might put him in a room, get his attention and let him know you'll be in the other room if he needs you. Then he can crawl to you. If he starts crying or screaming for you call to him and tell him to come to you.
Then you can put him in the crib, say you'll be in the other room to get something (treat for him like a teething cookie, toy, or something) and will be right back. I'm sure he'll have a fit, which is fine, but when you come back tell him "What's the matter? I told you I would be right back. I just had to go and get this" and show him what you went to get. If it's a treat or a favorite toy he'll be much more understanding and happy if you have to leave to get him something that he really likes.
What this is doing is building his trust. I'm sure that your husband tells you where he's going or at least that things are routine enough that you know what time he's most likely to leave for work or come back. But, if you looked up and he was gone without letting you know that he was leaving you'd start to wonder why he left, where he went to, etc. And if he didn't come home around the time that he normally does or if he took 4 hours on a grocery store trip that should have only taken at most 1 hour you would worry, call him if he has a cell phone, etc. Your son feels the same way. If you take off for an evening with your husband and sneak out while your son is distracted then how is he going to trust that something bad didn't happen or that you'll even come back? He screams because it's the only way he knows he'll definitely get a hold of you and get you there fast.
If you take off and don't tell him where you're going he's going to be afraid that as soon as he's not paying attention you're going to disappear on him. It will take a little while before he understands what time is but he'll pick the concept up faster than you may think.
Building up that trust is going to take awhile, lots of patience, and tons of practice. When I was getting ready to leave for Iraq I knew I was going to be gone for at least 6 months. So, what I did was go to do some training I knew I was going to have to do sometime anyways. It was about a month and a half long and I would be gone all week and back on the weekends that I could afford to leave. I did it so that she would understand that sometimes I had to be gone for awhile but that I would be back. I bought her 2 calendars. One for her room and one that she could carry with her. The one that she carried had a picture of our family that she could look at and carry. Inside she would cross the days off and it showed what month I would be back. This helped her with coping while I had to be gone. I also made a video of me reading a book and she was able to watch the video and flip through the pages by herself whenever she wanted. Thank goodness I don't have to worry about doing that again but, because I had gotten her used to me telling her that I was leaving, where I was going, what I was doing, and that I would be back, she had that trust built up.
She's 5 now and I still make sure to tell her whenever I go outside, and what I'm doing. There was one time that I was cleaning out the car and it was taking longer than she thought it should so every once in awhile she'd pop her head out the front door, call for me, and ask what I was doing. Then she would feel better and go back to what she was doing. Sometimes, even now, she'll start pouting and crying if I tell her I'm leaving for somewhere but I'm always very firm about it and once I know she understands what I've told her I leave. When I come back I make sure to let her know I'm back.
The main thing I hope you take with you is to build that trust by:
#1-Get his attention
#2-Tell him, under no uncertain terms, that you're leaving
#3-Tell him where you're going
#4-Tell him what you will be doing while you're gone
#5-Give him the length of time that you will be gone (You can use an analog clock-meaning one with hour & minute hands) and show him that you will be back before this hand gets to here. You might even get one of the little signs that has a clock saying "Will be back at..." and put it next to the analog clock whenever you are leaving for somewhere. That way he doesn't have to remember what time he can reference the other one and match it up.
#6-Let him know you're back

It might take a few times of telling him the same thing to make sure he heard everything you said. His comprehension will go up at time goes on.
You will get a lot of resistance at first but after awhile he will get the concept and that trust will be built.
I know this was super long but I really hope it helps.

My 9 mo old is going through this now. I find that if I continue to talk to her when she can't see me (which seems to be the issue) she handles it better. She just wants to know that I am not leaving her. My first had to go everywhere with me, including to the bathroom. The books I have read recommend leaving the room as usual and then checking back in with them so that they know that you haven't left them alone. They do get over it soon as long as you assure them by your actions that you haven't left them for good.

Congratulations! Your baby is developing completely normally! (which I learned to say through gritted teeth when my own sometimes drove me crazy at different stages).

At specifically around 8 months, as well at around 12 month and 18 months, there are things that happen cognitively that make the child feel like they need to be VERY close to Mommy (or sometimes both Mommy and Daddy-which is definitely easier). The 8 month thing is because your baby, as someone mentioned, is mobile himself now--he can crawl away from you, and actually end up somewhere he did not intend to. He then begins to comprehend that you could, too! And you are his source for everything he needs!

He is not "manipulating" you, as someone said here, and he is not displaying "attachment disorder" (that is actually the opposite of this behavior, and usually happens much later). Rather, he is showing he is well attached and also quite intelligent--knows he needs you and loves you and that it is possible to lose you. This won't last for more than a few weeks, but it is admittedly very intense while it does.

There are a few solutions to help:
1) Try keeping him in a backpack with you.
2) If that is not feasible all the time, when you are at home, encourage him to crawl, then start by bringing him into every room you go to. Next, gradually try moving around the room with encouraging him to crawl to you.
3) Play peek-a-boo around a doorway or wall, encouraging him to come find you. For a little while, whenever it is feasible, always leave the bathroom door open and talk to him, letting him know he can come to you.
4) Even though he can't talk yet, he can understand more than you think! If you need to leave, tell him you are going, that he will be safe, and when you will be back. If you are leaving him in one room while you go into another, keep talking to him. If you are going to leave him with someone else while you go out somewhere, tell him ___ will take good care of him and you will be back in a little while.

As others have said here, NEVER try to sneak away--it will just make his anxiety worse and last longer.

And DO rest assured...he is well bonded to you, good momma, and this will pass pretty quickly.

Fiora

Hey M.,

Seperation anxiety is normal, but difficult to deal with when you have things to do and get done. A sad baby's cries can be pretty h*** o* the heart. But Congratulations your son is attached to you.

Seperation anxiety starts because our children start to be aware that they need mom/dad to feel safe and secure and they do not cognitively understand that when we leave we will come back. Playing hiding games like peek-a-boo can teach your son that even though he can't see you, you are still there. Your three year old could help by playing too. Also talking to him when you are out of the room may help or recording your voice.

Also I would put my son in a back pack or sling depending on the work I needed to get done around the house so that he was right next to me and would be content in there for a good hour and sometimes go to sleep. I got lots of work done that way, no tears from him and sweet relief from his seperation anxiety.

There are lots of different parenting beliefs our there so I just wanted to add baby's do not manipulate, they only have so many tools to share their feelings, thoughts, emotions and crying is about one of the only ways when our children are none verbal.