8 Month Old Who Constantly Cries

Hi T. this is a normal time for babies to have seperation anxiety. They begin waking up again at night and do not want to go to others. I know how your heart is breaking. Is this all new or has this been a part of his personality all along? Is this a new babysitter? How is she handling the crying? Some babies can be more high needs than others. I have a now 12yo son who was very much the same as yours. It is true that they do go through phases but I would make a couple of suggestions. It sounds like you may be very busy right now with school and getting finished. He may not have as much mommy time as he wants to be reassured that you are not going to go away. Babies at this age see that you are gone and do not have the capability to know that you are coming back. Here is what I did. I believe that babies cannot be spoiled but need to be held. I used a sling because it is much easier than a snugli. It is OK to carry him, it is OK for you to love on him when he is crying but be aware that you anxiety does increase his. Kids are a reflection of our emotions. So do something to make sure you are taking care of yourself as well. Take walks, do fun things and interact with him and your daughter in a relaxed atmosphere. Many studies have shown that babies that are held and carried and loved on in that first year are far more independant at a year old than babies that parents that did not respond and let them cry it out. It is his only way to communicate with you. An excellent book you can get is "The Baby Book by Dr. Bill Sears. It is on attachment parenting and has several chapters on high needs infants. I would also get an appt with your doctor to make sure there is nothing happening on the medical front ( such as an ear infection, developmental concerns etc.) My son we now know did have some other concerns and I thank God daily that I used my heart when caring for him rather than pushing him away and letting him cry it out. God will bless your tender caring for this little guy. Also check out your babysitter, she may be fine and probably is but ask her how she is coping and ask God to help you have the peace to know that she is caring for as you would. I had a wonderful sitter and so I knew that I could leave him and she was patient and loving around his tears. And finally sometimes babies do need to cry but that does not mean that they need to cry alone. Love him hold him, carry him console him, divert him, play with him, he is only a baby once. There is plenty of time in the future to continue the art of guiding him to be the young man you are wanting him to be. Feel free to email me back personally. I would be happy to help in any way I can to support you . BARBIE

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I'm a mother of a now-21-year-old son. To this day, he will come to me with love "just to be held." He's not a "mama's boy" or anything like that. He just isn't afraid to love on his mama.

When he was a baby, people used to tell me all the time that I shouldn't hold him so much, put him down, you're gonna spoil him, blah-blah-blah.... you've heard all of this, I'm sure.

PLEASE!!! When babies get to the age that they realize those appendages below their diapers better known as legs can get them around on their own, they'll fight you when you try to hold them or carry them around.

I know you're busy - I was a full-time working and full-time student mom (single at that!) when my son was a toddler and his sister was just starting to crawl. But, enjoy the fact that your son wants to be held. It's bonding and creates a security for him. Both of these will stick with him the rest of his life. You'll be glad in the long run.

Hope things work out.

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I say do whatever makes you (and him) feel better. In 6 months, he won't sit still long enough to snuggle. You're in probably the toughest phase where your son is dependent on you for everything. He'll grow out of it, and you'll wish he didn't.

MM

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You don't say whether this is new behavior or constant behavior since birth. I'm gonna guess a relatively new behavior. At around 8 months, infants often develope separation anxiety. They want/need their primary caregiver. When you aren't attending to them, they are unsure if you will ever come back. It is exhausting for you and difficult for those around you. At this age fathers, grandparents, and others often get their feelings hurt as it seems the baby wants nothing to do with them.

Remember this to shall pass. Remember the squirmy one-year old that wouldn't sit still long enough for you to tie the shoe laces? That is just around the corner. In the mean time, reassure your baby, love your baby - it will only make him more secure in his mother's lvoe and help this phase to pass more quickly.

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i had one of those too! check out the Fussy Baby book by Dr; sears. it gets better i promise! love your baby while he is still a baby, it will all come back to you. my "fussy" baby is a sweet, loving, demonstrative four year old who still loves to snuggle, rock and be held, but he also goes happily to school, sleeps all night in his own bed, without crying, and snuggles his baby sister.

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My first child was the same way. Against all advice, and for my own sanity, I just carried and held her ALL THE TIME! I told myself this was a short time in our lives and devoted myself to doing nothing but spend time with her. I allowed her to sleep with us, and held her for her naps. I read Dr.William Sears's books on attachment parenting and decided I had a high needs child. I dealt with a lot of criticism, but my child was happy and thrived as long as she was with me. My house was a mess, but my life was easier, and my child happy. Fast-forward 10 years, my daughter is the most confident, intelligent, independant child and impresses everyone she meets. She excells in almost everything she does. I believe a child isn't spoilled, but touch and security is a true need the same as food and water. They have a genuine need that if it doesn't get met when they are young, will cause problems when they are older. I now have 3 kids and raised them all the same. They get time with me when ever they need it. I'd rather have a clingy toddler/baby than a clingy older child. I am not saying it is easy, but it was worth it! Very few people think like this, but I did what felt right to ME for MY CHILD!!! Follow your heart! God bless!- S.

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T. B,

My daughter did this too...from what I have heard it's perfectly normal. I learned through Bradley classes that keeping your baby close to you during this time teaches them to be independent through the sense of security they get from you takeing care of them. I also leared that you should give your child whatever they want (including time with you) until they are at least a year old because their wants are their needs. I would not let him cry it out and you ARE NOT spoiling him!!!This was really hard on me (because I really enjoy alone time)until I accepted it would be that way for a while. It didn't last long and now I wish my daughter was a little like that. Kids at this age don't relize you are coming back to them, they think if they don't see you your not there. As far as bed time goes...read Good Night Sleep Tight, It really works! Good Luck!

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Hi T.!

Have you taken him to the doctor to make sure everything is OK? Maybe they could give you some advice. I never liked the "let them cry" advice because something is obviously wrong if they are crying that hard. My daughter had a lot of gas at that age and she would always cry for me. Sorry you are going through this.
J.

Sounds like seperation anxiety. Try putting him down on the floor with in sight of you and give him toys to play with. If he starts to cry go over and play with him rather than holding him.

The toys will distract him, and he can still see you. Eventually, the toys and he can be moved in to a room where he can hear you.

Not uncommon for children at this age to suffer from this. He will eventually outgrow it.

Dear T.: You will probably think me cruel and mean. But your bset friend was correct. Now To correct the behavior it is going to take 3 days or more. I learned the hard way many years ago. We had to move to teach my first born that cryinjg did not bring rewards. Because Grandma keep picking him up, Hugs and buy ear stoppers.

First of all I know where you are comming from. Have u taken him to the doctor lately? I don't want to alarm you but, we want to rule out any medical issues.Just something to think about. One of my children would cry like your child when I took her to the doctor they found she had lots of gas, of course you know for one as little as yours who can't communicate how they are feeling, that would be a good place to start is with the doctor.

Your child is not spoiled! He has seperation anxiety which is actually a good sign at his age. My son is the same way and I feel for you! There were days I thought I might pull my hair out. A spoiled child is one who can't go to the store without getting a new toy or will only eat pizza for dinner or decides their own bedtime. A baby who wants his mother to hold him is not spoiled. He has formed the essential bond that he needs at this age for social and emotional development. You can help to ease seperation anxiety by comforting and reassuring your child. It sounds like you are already doing this by using the snugli and holding him. It can be very wearing so keep taking him to a sitter so you can get a break. Crying is awful but he isn't hurting himself by crying and when he's at the sitter you aren't there to hear it so don't think about it. Use your time while he is at the sitter to get things done and take care of yourself. Remind yourself that it won't last forever and by giving him reassurance and affection, you can help him feel more independent. I know it's hard but your patience, understanding and love will go a long way to help him feel confident. As far as sleeping- that's different. Crying himself to sleep is OK. He needs to know how to comfort himself independenly in his own bed.Check out www.parentsasteachers.org under the parents/parenting tips section. I use a Parents-as-Teachers advisor here in Oklahoma and she has helped me so much with seperation anxiety and many other issues where I felt just like you- at my wits end. If you like what you read, maybe check into getting an advisor. They come to your house once a month (for free) and help with your babies development, eating habits, sleeping, playing anything that you can think of. Its all research based and I tell everyone I know about it. My pediatrician recommended it to me because she was in the program with her kids, too. Its for any parent who wants to be a better parent and that is every mom that I know! Good luck.
L.

Hi T. - My son was that way. He's 18 yrs old now but from the time he was born to about 3 yrs old, I could not leave his sight. He only wanted me and no one else. Don't ask me how I got through it but I did. But anyway, it's not that he's spoiled, that's jsut the way he is and he will grow out of it....to this day, my son is very sensitive and his feelings can get hurt easily....but hang in there, it will get better...

At 8 months old, he is still a baby who needs his mama! He will grow out of it, but it will take time and maturity on his part. Great on getting the Snuggli! Maybe even let the babysitter try to wear him You will not spoil him with love. I've never seen an interview with a criminal who said it was because his mom loved him and held him too much as a baby. ;)

Seriously though, by holding him you are meeting his needs....which maybe different than another child's. You may find that the Snuggli becomes heavy after a while or less comfortable. Don't worry! There are many other different types of baby carriers out there...most are designed to be comfortable for mom and tot until tot weighs around 30+ pounds! We have a group in Shreveport that can help you pick another carrier if the Snuggli becomes uncomfortable, but I know that's a trek for you.

My sitter and my husband both wear my son....and I still do occasionally (he's 18 months old)....and he loves it....but even though I held him/wore him for the first year or so, he's a well adjusted toddler who walked on time (1 yr) and is developmentally appropriate socially....plays with friends at daycare, will go to other caregivers, explores away from me when at new environments and outside.

Try letting the sitter wear him, and try to wear him MORE....this will help reassure him that his mama is there for him, so that when you can't be he still knows you would be.

Hang in there mama! Listen to your instincts. :)

I want to reaffirm that you are doing the right thing by carrying him in a Snugli. My 1st cried all the time unless I carried her in a Baby Bjorn. To prevent this, I carried my 2nd in a sling, for the majority of the day. They are 2 and 4 now and rarely even sit in my lap because they are so busy. You can start spending time in the same room and giving him toys to play with, but he may not be ready for that. All kids are different. Dr. Harvey Karp (Happiest Baby on the Block) believes that some kids need another 9 months in the womb and they might need to be snuggled and carried for 9 months. I would definitely not leave him to cry, you are teaching him that you will not respond to him when he needs you.

I also have an eight month old doing the same thing. I have a three year old and she did the same thing. She use to not care where I was and all of a sudden she started to get what I call "mommy-itous" I do not let her cry it out unless I absolutely can't prevent it like in the car when I first put her down. It is true that they will get over this because as your child discovers new things and becomes more mobile he/she will less likely forget a little bit that you are there and they want you. When they start walking you won't be able to catch up. I just love on my little girl, roll my eyes and think of how I can only get a quick hug and kiss from my 3 year old now. This one wants love all the time so I give it out as much as she wants it. It is difficult to do work but maybe your spouse could help you out more or maybe getting the laundry folded and put up is not as important today as it will be there tomorrow.

Hope this helps. I know it is hard but it will pass. Trust us.

I have not read other responses and hope I am not repeating. At that age they should not be doing that. However, your friends are right, sometimes you have to walk away and let them scream. Of course you want to make sure they are not hurt or in need of anything, but once this is done, do walk away. As a mother it is very difficult, because it goes against your instict. My oldest daughter done this and she was spoiled to being held. At about seven months old my mother suggested putting her in her playpen and letting her cry it out. For me this was very difficult, but I did it and it worked. I made sure she was changed, fed, and had toys to play with. It took about a week to let her know that I was not running to her for "throwing a fit". I still took time to hold her, but it was not in large amounts. She soon got over it and we were both happier. She learned to get down and play while I done my house work and when I was done, I gave her 30 minutes of my time as a reward. Of course I inneracted with her at other times, but she was allowed to sit in my lap for 30 minutes. They learn by what we teach them, even as babies. He will soon learn Mommy is busy, but when Mommy is done, I will get Mommy time. It then becomes a pleasure for you and not seem as such a chore. It does put stress on you and wear you out quickly.
Good Luck, C.

P.S. If I didn't clarify anything for you that you may question please feel free to contact me and ask.

Mom you already know the answer. You just don't have the heart to do it. You will have to let him cry. You can comfort or interact with him for a short while and them go about what you have to do--and let him cry. A child is a child and he has been close to you in the snugli. Do you realize what he was exposed to when you did that? He could feel and hear your heartbeat and smell you. You put him in a position to get attached to the most primal of humans. He can only cry so loud, and yes he will get louder because that is all he can do. He won't cry forever, and no child ever got sick from crying. He will just tire himself out. How will you know this will work if you dont see it through and stop giving in to him. Each time you give in you are reinforcing that he should cry if you don;t. You will have to leave him from time to time and you want him to be safe, so do this because you never know how a babysitter may react. Many children have been harmed by babysitter when they tried to get them to be quiet. When I had home daycare I released one child for this reason--he would not stop crying. I did not have time to hold him and would not hold him cause it is a bad habit to start.

You may be both flattered by his affection and preference and scared you wouldnt be a good mother if you dont pick him up or if you let him cry. Good Luck. It is easy to see you are a good mother. Go ahead--raise him to be worldly. You know what you have to do. Do it in love.

I know how frustrating it can be to have a clinging child ( I have two!! ) but I don't believe in spoiling a baby and I could not handle letting them cry it out. Mu oldest daughter is nine and we have a close and wonderful relationship. I think if you can just bear through it, when he's older it's not as much of an issue and it creates a great foundation for the close bond that will last forever.

C. A.

Your friend is right. Let him cry, if he continues to cry for an hour, pick him up comfort him, make sure he has a clean diaper and isn't hungery, then lay him back down. It won't be cured in one day but if you will stick with it you'll be surprised how quick he will learn. It's not easy, hearing them cry is the hardest thing to do, but the rewards are very much worth it, not just now but on down the road, when he's not throwing "fits" to get his way

If you have done all that you've said you've done, then there is something wrong. Maybe he is being mistreated at the babysitter's home....not accusing anyone, but just suggesting that it may be a problem. If being mistreated somewhere is not the problem, then there seems to be another kind of problem. The reactions that your child is exhibiting are not the same as what he would do if he were simply spoiled. There may be a medical or neurological problem. I would definitely have him checked out by medical professionals. I have known children who have shown this kind of reaction who actually had a medical problem that caused them to be the way they were. Please have him checked out. It's not fair to him to just let him continue to cry like that. Nine times out of ten, there is a good reason for the crying when it continues like that. It is not good mentally for a child to be let cry like that when all of the things you've tried haven't worked. Hope this helps you....I'll be praying for you little boy!

I think first you should have him examed by his dr & most importantly by a eye dr if his pedi dr thinks he needs to be. Why I saw this is because my youngest soon had vision problems & he couldnt see well once he was placed down to play. I felt the same as you very frustrated!!! But once I was told by his eye dr about his vision I understood.

The African ladies "babu" their babies on their backs...much like a snugli. They do this for a long time...up till they are about two or so. It is so comforting.
Have you taken him to a doctor to see if he is physically ill?
The other thing is that around 9 months (and you said he is eight months) children start to recognize the difference between Mom and every one else and they do have "separation anxiety." They will outgrow that if you are firm yet loving.
When you leave him at the sitters, take a toy he loves for the sitter to distract him, and then leave quickly. Do not linger and keep "lovin' on him" to settle him down. Quick kiss, Quick "Love you, see you in a little bit." and go.

Also. Plan to "surprise" the sitter during the day. See what is really going on when she is not expecting anyone to pop in. It may be better than you think, it may not be what you think.

Love, G.

I would take your baby to the doctor. It sounds like something else is going on. Mom's can provide comfort when a child is sick that no one else is able to. At this age I don't know if spoiling really comes into play. Your child is still kind of young. My son had chronic ear infections and would be silent when I held him, but go crazy on others. I didn't realize what was going on till I took him to the doctor and we went through 5 rounds of antibiotics and nothing knocked it out. We finally had to get tubes. There was no telling how long he suffered with this. I had no clue, thought he just wanted mommy.

Hi T.,
How long has your son been crying like this? It sounds like separation anxiety which should pass soon. I know the crying is nerve wrecking, but if you are sure to the best of your ability nothing else is bothering him, then I agree with your friend to let him cry. Put him in his crib, try giving him a bottle and let him cry. How does he respond to his sister, maybe she can distract him (in his room) at times while you are getting other things done. As for as the crying it out goes, I remember when we were trying to get our 6 month old daughter to sleep through the night, our doctor told us she was not hungry and to stop giving her a bottle in the middle of the night and let her cry. We went home that night and tried it, and boy was it hard. She cried for about 45 minutes straight and you know that was hard, but after she finished she went to sleep and has been sleeping through the night ever since (that was over 6 years ago).

I think you should take him to the doctor make sure he doesn't have something going on ears, urinary track, gas,teeth, etc.
If everyting checks out ok, then he maybe spoiled. Crying build the lungs, & won't hurt. Put some music on maybe that will sooth him. You can try sleeping with a blanket to have your smell on it, & place the blanket on him to see if that will help. Boys are different then girls that is a fact!

This child has you trained very well. It isn't supposed to be this way. I know it is very hard to break this habit, but you have to be strong for him and you. Yes, he cried for 30 minutes....and you gave in (reinforced his behavior, "if I cry long enough, mom will come get me and pick me up"). It takes longer than 30 minutes to break this habit. Put him down in a safe place and leave him alone. As he continues to scream and cry (which he will because it has always worked before)he may even choke up from the slobber and mucus of crying, he may even throw up at some point. It is Okay! You are not being cruel or being a bad mom...you are practicing a form of tough love. You can check on him at any point during this cry session to make sure he is safe, but you must NOT pick him up. Eventually he will go to sleep because he will have worn himself out. This will probably be the longest session you will have to endure. Keep busy and don't give in, because if you do, you are just reinforcing his behavior of "if I cry she will come".

You won't have to go through this "corrective treatment" more than a couple of times....the good new is each time will be a shorter time (at least in my experience).

Remember, this is good for you and your child. He will learn to entertain himself and explore, and you will enjoy your life and "him" more. Keep your chin up...you can do this. It is harder on "mom" than the kid...you may even go into another room and cry...but you are doing the best thing for both of you. Be the "parent", train the "child". Once you get this done, don't let him train you back the other way! It's too hard to correct (hard on mom). Good luck! You will be happy you made yourself do it.

L. M

If it were me, I would find a classically trained Homeopathic physician and have a consult. It will cost around $100. They can give your baby a remedy (not a drug) to help become his normal self. I don't know where you can find one in LA but I'm sure there are several available. We did this for my son and I was an instant believer. Now they are 13 and 9 and we use Homeopathy for the whole family and especially the pets. Get to know your true son.

Good luck m

When you wrote that your baby kept crying and screaming louder for 30 mins, you didn't say whether he stopped crying on his own because there was no response from you or he stopped crying when he got what he wanted and you picked him up. Therein lies the key. You may have possibly "trained" him to cry so much. If he can cry and eventually get what he wants, he will keep it up for as long as it takes. It's easy to fall into this trap. Crying causes such stress on everyone within earshot. I wish you luck. Breaking this habit is difficult because the crying and screaming will get a whole lot worse before it gets better should you decide to break the cycle. Word of warning: DO NOT begin to try to break this habit unless you are serious about it. Once you've decided that enough is enough, you will have to stay strong NO MATTER WHAT or you'll be worse off than you are now and this "blackmail" will continue long past the baby years.

My youngest daughter did the same thing. Letting her cry it out didn't help either. I even took her to the doctor many times trying to find out what was wrong. It turned out that she had colic and reflux. I had always been told that babies outgrow colic within the first few months of life. However my daughter didn't. She had it until she was about 11 months old. You might try talking to your pediatrition. They make some infant drops that help with colic. In my case, they were a lifesaver. While they didn't completely take the problem away, they did help alot. I seriously doubt that your son is spoiled. For most children, especially babies, it is just comforting to be with mom. And if he does have colic, the warth from being next to you all the time is soothing. It could also be a stage that he is going though. At his age, his world is constantly changing. He is learning how to do all kinds of new things and realizing that there is a world beyond just his home and family. But you are the one constant in his world. He has been with you since before birth. Even though his father is there, more than likely it will be you that he turns to for comfort. I know it can be very challenging to have a little one who cries all of the time. But he will eventually outgrow it. That may not help right now, but at least it's something to look forward too. Good luck with your little one!

Its probably separation anxiety, this appears around 8-9 months. He is not spoiled! He just needs to learn that you are there for him. At this stage of development he thinks that when you leave the room you are gone forever. He has no understanding of "object permanance" and this will begin to develop soon. My baby was this way for a while but she soon got over it. I held her too when she cried and caried her around with me, I dont feel like it made it worse, actually it seemed to get better faster. Maybe she learned to trust that I would be there when she needed me so that eventually when I wasn't right there she knew that all she had to do was let me know that she needed me an I would be there. maybe that gave her the confidence to be by herself or with someone else. Trust your instincts on this one, do what feels right.

T., sounds like he is NOT spoiled but has separation anxiety. Sounds like you have so much on your plate with school and the house work and your other child that maybe he just needs some mommy time all to his self. Separation anxiety is real and babies need their mothers to make them feel safe the first few months of their lives. Try spending some extra time with him. I did day care for years and only had a few children that cried like what you are talking about. He thinks if he can not see you then you are not there. Try staying at the baby sitter's house and not leaving right away. Sit on the couch for a few minutes when you come to pick him up to so everytime he see's the baby sitter he does not think you are there just to leave him. Maybe stop by and never leave him there just visit with her. That might help in easing the poor little fellows pain. I grant you babys can not be spoiled....ask your doctor if you don't believe me. Ask him about the separation anxity too,the doc might have some ideas . That is why I started doing certified Day Care for the Navy, my youngest son had it and I could not bear to leave my children with strangers. Hope this helps.