June 23, 2012,
E.T. asks from Atlanta, GA on September 15, 2010
6Th Grade Mean Girls
I am looking for advice to give my daughter. Her friends are not treating her nicely. It is mainly one girl, but the others seem to be following along. The lead girl is rolling her eyes, kicking her chair in class, not including her in conversations at the lunch table and recess. My daughter feels like she has no friends. HELP!!
So What Happened?™
Thanks everyone, really great advice for us. I let my daughter read it, and she feels so much better. The past 2 days she has been ignoring the girls - they are still approaching, kicking her chair, rolling their eyes, etc. She is not letting it bother her, hanging out with other girls at lunch and recess.
Getting involved with sports and activities is very good advice. I also think just being able to talk to me about it helps. I am hesitant to go to the other mom or school, but did tell her she needs to notify the school counselor with anything physical. ie chair kicking (bully girl sits behind her)
Thanks for all the support, so sad that this topic is so common!
L.A. answers from Austin on September 15, 2010
First of all tell your daughter this is not about her, it is about the mean girl..
I know it hurts her feelings, but she is not the one with the problem.. The other girl is the person that is insecure.
Purchase the book, "Queen Bees and Wanna Bees". Read it together.. It will explain it all..
The best way to put someone in their place is through indifference. If your daughter can totally ignore this girl and show that each time this girl is still paying attention to your daughter, others are also going to notice it is a one sided problem.
You know the drill, tell your daughter to just stay out of the way of the bully and her friends. Try to find other people.. does not just have to be girls, that seem interesting.. She can eat with them, walk to class with them, find out if they are attending activities.
Find some school activities your daughter is interested in and have your daughter join. Have her volunteer for upcoming school events.
If the library allows students to volunteer in the mornings, or at lunch see if your daughter would enjoy that..
The school paper and yearbook always needs volunteers for photography, interviews and artwork.
For school fairs and dances, they are always looking for students to volunteer to put up signs, sell tickets and snacks and decorate.. See if there is anything like that available..
Sports are an awesome way to be part of a community and 6th grade is still young enough to learn and participate in school sports..
I also suggest that your daughter go and speak with her "lead teacher, Advisor or grade level counselor.. just to give them a heads up.. about what is going on..
10 moms found this helpful
E.G. answers from Atlanta on September 15, 2010
i would tell her that if those girls were her "real" friends, that they wouldnt treat her like this...of course, it is way easier said than done..at this age with peer pressure and the need to be popular..i dont know how it is now a days compared to 25 years ago..
but, like what a few of the other ladies wrote, try ignoring her, or enroll her in some clubs where she can meet other new people..or maybe volunteering at a local park on the weekends..
she definetly needs to get a new group of friends..im sorry that she has to go thru this..tell her chin up, it will all work out in the end...
3 moms found this helpful
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S.H. answers from Honolulu on September 15, 2010
If any of this escalates... she/you needs to tell the Teacher/school.
Most schools have "zero tolerance" policies against "bullying."
They are bullying her.
These are not friends....
I was bullied in school before... and the bullies, turned the ENTIRE grade level against me. EVEN my so called "friends" abandoned me because of it. That is how much it escalated. ALL because, I was buddies with a boy that one of the girls' liked. And so they bad mouthed me and totally made up stories about me. They threatened to beat me up, etc.
That boy by the way, NEVER like any of those girls.
**oh, and one of the girls bullying me... was EVEN the daughter of a family friend! Believe it or not. She was a real real real.... not nice girl. But played all angelic, in front of her parents.
BUT... there was also a bunch of 'tough' but nice boys... who saw what was happening... and because they liked me as a person... they told me to stay by them... and they would protect me. These were the "bulls" in the school... but they were not mean kids...they just, by pure physical stature... were 'intimidating' to other kids. THEY, befriended me... because they knew I was being victimized. AND they helped me. They would even wait at the front of the school... and make sure that when I was dropped off... no one... tried to fight me. Which is what these girls were trying to do.
Kids/girls... can be VERY VERY mean... and physically threatening.
Not to be taken lightly.
all the best,
3 moms found this helpful
P.T. answers from Atlanta on September 15, 2010
Carol, I have told my daughter things just like you said...
It seems to help...
1 mom found this helpful
R.Y. answers from Oklahoma City on October 26, 2010
I read the book that Elizabeth suggested and it is really good. When we were kids, ignoring the problem generally worked. That's not how it is today. Kids, but especially girls, have gotten very sophisticated at bullying. You can't ignore it. My daughter was bullied almost all the way through middle school. Eventually, we were able to transfer her to a different school in the district and get away from the majority of it, but there will always be bullies at any school. My daughter is a very good athlete, which helped a lot. When things at school were bad, she still had that to hold onto. At this age, it generally does have something to do with boys. Because my daughter is an athlete a lot of the boys like her as a friend, and that really upsets the queen bees who want a boy to pay attention to them. My daughter is now a sophomore in high school and doing really well. She carries herself with confidence and it helps that she's almost 5'10". Nobody messes with her now. The bully from 6th grade got pregnant last year at 14 by a total loser and is now a teen mommy. She came from a good family and had even been a friend at one time. Those are the worst because they generally know things about you that you've confided.
Have your daughter talk to the counselor, but you talk to the counselor and principal both and escalate if you have to. The schools say they have a zero bullying tolerance, but that doesn't necessarily mean they do anything about it. Write emails and keep copies and document all your conversations. This documentation will be necessary to force the school district to help you. And do not let them try to make it your daughter's fault. One assistant principal brought both girls in and by the end of the conversation, my daughter was apologizing for this girl bullying her. That's when we escalated and got her out of that school.
Another mom suggested sports or karate, anything that will boost your daughter's confidence. She needs to walk like she's in control. Bullies can sense when they've defeated you even if you are ignoring them. Sorry for the long post, it's just that this subject is very close to my heart having lived through it for the better part of two years.
Good luck and it does get better.
J.R. answers from Davenport on October 26, 2010
Unfortunately, these girls are NOT being her friends, and she needs to find a way to make some new ones. Join a club or sport or Choir or band, somewhere where she will build commonality and true FRIENDSHIPS, not just cliques. Especially in Choir or band, if you school offers them, these groups are tight knit and form LASTING true friendships, in my experience, they last through and beyone high school, and since they are usually an actual CLASS, the kids end up on a similar schedule and usually eat lunch together, too.
Tell her to ignore them, or verbally stand up for herself. Also take it to an adult if it gets physical, and to always come to you!
YOU can also talk to the bullies' parents, the teacher and the principal.
I was bullied some and so was a good friend of mine - I stood up for myself, and it stopped, my friend didn't stand up for herself, though I stood up FOR her, and her bullying continued, just not in front of me, cause the bullies knew I wouldn't stand for it.
J.G. answers from Los Angeles on June 23, 2012
Well, First of all you need to make sure this stops. How though? Set up a conference with the teacher about it. Maybe you should get some American Girl books for your child. You can buy then at Michelle's. If it still does't help, Talk to the girls personally, Or you couls watch whats going on at school and then focus on the main problem.