6 Yo Sprary Painted the House

I do not agree that there has to be a punishment. I suggest that he be disciplined. The purpose of discipline is to teach. If he's learned his lesson then what has happened is enough. Remember that a 6 year old's brain is still immature. Impulsive behavior is normal. So is experimenting. He wants to know what this can does to a door. He starts and it's fun. He is not thinking about whether or not its right or wrong. One lesson that you want to help him learn is to think before he acts. Another may be to not snoop or be in places which are not the usual places for him to be and to not do handle anything that does not belong to him or which he's not been allowed to play with before. Those are just a few of the lessons. You can't teach them all at once tho you can touch on all of them by talking with him in a respectful manner. Not by lecturing or preaching. Treating him as a kid who made a mistake and can learn from it. Recognize that he will be learning these lessons over time. You are putting information into a brain that is immature whose ability to comprehend totally all of those lessons at one time is limited. And his ability to focus is also limited. So make this discussion short. Perhaps 10-20 minutes. Including his telling you what he heard.

I suggest that you choose one lesson and reinforce that one if he appears to have not learned from your talk. How do you know if he learned. Ask him what he learned and listen. Perhaps clarify for him some part of what you said that he didn't hear.

If you think he didn't understand or you want to further reinforce a lesson choose a discipline related to what he did. For example, let him help repaint the door or doing a chore for the person who is painting the door so that the person doing the painting doesn't have to do the chore.

I don't think this situation is appropriate for grounding or losing privileges unless they are related to the door. An example of a natural consequence would be that he has to stay in the same room with you when you visit the aunt because you can't trust that he won't get into something that is not his.

For discipline to be effective it has to be related to the lesson you want him to learn. If the discipline is arbitrary he learns that he will be punished. Fear is effective for stopping behavior only for a limited amount of time.

I think that having to tell his aunt what he's done and apologize is a good form of discipline. Doing this was not easy for him to do. Now he knows that if he does something that damages someone else's property he will have to tell them and apologize. You can repeat that discipline again when he breaks something or does some other act that damages someone else's property. He's six. This sort of thing will happen again. Lessons repeated are well learned.

While if he gets grounded or loses a privilege, unrelated to the door, he learns to not get caught. You want to teach him a positive way to make what he did right.

We do have to have rules and boundaries with children. I think that sometimes we rush to punish and lose sight of the focus to teach. If I'd spray painted a door when I was his age, I certainly would not spray paint anything else because of everyone's reaction and the trouble I'd caused. My mother would have talked with me about what I'd done, what was appropriate to do in response and then asked me if I understood. My father would have spanked me. I credit my mother for my understanding of the difference between right and wrong.

I was angry with my father until he was an old man confined to bed. I was able to let go of my anger, in small part, because he was now helpless and understood how helpless I still felt when as an adult he lectured me on how wrong I was instead of talking with me about what had happened and how I could make it right.

Later: I agree with Carla S. whole heartedly until the last sentence. "You have to make it suck......" NO! You have to help him feel good about being a responsible boy! Praise his work! I don't know that a 6 yo can mow the lawn but I agree that working it off in the way she described it is an excellent idea.

3 moms found this helpful

It will be extra work for adults, but I would have the child participate in the task of re-painting the door... assuming you aren't going to have it done by a professional painter. A six year old can paint rather well. It may mean a bit of surreptitious re-doing on the part of the adults who are painting, but just having him need to be a part of the correction of what he did is, in my opinion a great idea. I would try to let him paint until he starts to realize that it is work, not just fun.

3 moms found this helpful

I guess it depends on the maturity of the child. I would not be opposed to sending him over with some sand paper and making him work to get it off, then paint the door. Obviously he's not going to do a great job, you'll end up doing the bulk of the work. I think, though, that doing the job to whatever extent will teach him that there are serious consequences to his actions and he has to own up. Maybe he can do part of the work to fix the mess he left and work to pay for the paint?

I'm kind of harsh about these things, but I want to set the precedent while they are young so that when they find themselves with more freedom and harder choices, peer pressure, etc. they will know that they're not getting away with anything and they'll think twice. The harsher the work now, the less you'll have to enforce later. That's my game plan, anyway. I'll let you know if it works. :)

Way to go on teaching him to tell the truth, face the consequences of his actions and following through! It is often just easier to fix the issue. You are a champion parent.

3 moms found this helpful

First offender, make him correct his mistake. He pays for the paint and supplies with set pricing (mowing the front lawn $2, taking out trash $0.50, etc). As well, he participate in at least prepping the door to be repainted. The door should be thoroughly washed before it is painted and then taped off. If you trust him to help paint, let him do that as well. As for the repayment, it should be paid off by a certain time or else...[consequence]. You have to make it suck so he won't do it again.

3 moms found this helpful

Why did he paint the door? Getting to the root of the question may determined what punishment, if any, he deserves. My son is 5 and there are things he does that I have to step back and think, is this normal for a curious 5 year old or is he doing it, for example, to spite me?

2 moms found this helpful

I colored the slate floor and river rock fireplace my dad built himself with blue, purple and green crayons when I was about 4 because the colors matched my mom's sofa (yes, it was ugly) thinking I was doing something nice. Mom had always complained that the slate didn't match the fireplace BTW. I got the beating of my life from both parents and had to clean it off with a fingernail brush.
My point is - at 6 he probably saw the spray can and wondered - hey what's this do? it seemed like a good idea at the time and was not done to be intentionally naughty or destructive.
I think making him apologize and "pay" is a good idea - however - my 5 year old son would LOVE helping repaint the door and see it as a reward which may cause him to do it again so he can paint something else.
You need to stress that your son shouldn't touch things that aren't his especially at someone else's house, and that he should ASK a grown-up when he finds something he is curious about instead of just trying it. It could have been a can of bug poison or something else dangerous.
I clearly remember being asked throughout my child hood WHY DID YOU DO THAT?? Most of the time the only answer I could think of was that it seemed like a good idea at at the time, so I always answered "i dunno."
I see the same theme with my son and laugh at Hubby whe he asks WHY - when the kid has no idea - he just did it.

2 moms found this helpful

Make him clean it up and help repaint.
He needs to earn the cash to pay for the repairs - however you want to make him earn money works.
He doesn't need a punishment - he needs a consequence. The consequence is that he has to work off his debt and repaint the door. You can certainly torture him all summer with grunt work!
YMMV
LBC

2 moms found this helpful

I would have your son do chores around either your house or your sister's to "earn the money" for the repairs. He needs to start understanding that there is a correlation b/w actions and their outcomes- financial and labor costs! I come up with a menu of chores and payment. Have him do one or two things each day to pay for the damage. Realistically, a can of paint isn't too expensive, so he should be able to "do his time" within a week. Developmentally- the punishment shouldn't last longer than that!

2 moms found this helpful

my nephews did this and my sil called me and asked me for punishment since I am creative about it I told them to make the kids clean it up. make him spend the day scrubbing the door or painting what he can reach. only do it for a day and make sure he gets plenty of water and cool down breaks in the shade. if his face gets red bring him in the house for 30 min and give him lunch and so forth.take pictures though my brother did and it is a memeorable experience even if it is wrong. you got lucky in some ways they painted the walls the windows the computer the chairs each other and everything else. they were helping mom paint the room. :)

1 mom found this helpful

Did you try acetone to remove the spray paint? We had a similar incident last year with our boys and the acetone removed the paint quite easily.

I agree with Marda on the discipline issue!

1 mom found this helpful

I agree with Betty. Have him help repaint it.

He's only 6, so he wasn't exactly tagging. Don't be too harsh about it.

1 mom found this helpful

Sis should be the one getting punished. It's a mazing that he had the paint can pointed the correct direction and didn't end up in th emergency room. If he had, you would all be guilt ridden, and it wouldn't even cross your mind to punish HIM. HOWever, the fact is that he could not be expected to understand the effect of what he did because he has never had to "paint" anything. I say have him paint the door. You will not get a very well painted door, but he will get a punishment that is associated with the crime, and an understanding of the actual effect of his actions.

I have a 5 year old, soon to be six. I tried to put myself in your shoes. I think my reaction would have been to grab my face to stop from laughing and just say OH MY GOSH son !! What have you done ?? OH NO !!! Lets fix it. I probably would have let out a little giggle in there somewhere. Then, paint the door with him. On the other hand, my DH would lead with a spanking and end with a tough punishment. I think that, unless this was done with knowing malicious intent, It's just a lesson for everyone to learn and move on to the next.

1 mom found this helpful

You've already received some great ideas and I do believe he needs to learn to respect property and clean up after himself. But where were you or some other reliable adult? I don't believe a 6 year old should be unsupervised long enough to spray paint anything and why was the paint in the child's reach? What if he had spray painted someone in the face? I know it can happen fast and maybe an adult was a few feet away with their back turned. But I can tell you with absolute certainty, my daycare children would NEVER be able to do such a thing because I keep a closer eye on them than that. BUT to be perfectly fair to you and or whoever was in charge at the time, I keep a close eye because I have learned the hard way what children will do if left to their own devices. It seems to me that there's enough blame to go around on this one.

1 mom found this helpful

I would definitely make him work off the cost of the damage... as well as take some priviledges away. He needs to understand the consequence of what he did so it doesn't happen again.

My son when he was 9 was at the baby-sitter's... her two boys and my son was throwing rocks over the fence and broke the neighbor's window. My son said he did not hit the window... but he paid for a 3rd of it out of his savings as well as was grounded. Today my son has kids of his own and he turned out really good and responsible.

1 mom found this helpful

Congratulations to you and your husband for being good parents and following through on teaching him responsibility and accountability.

I think most people would agree that performing age-appropriate chores to work off the cost of repainting the door is most appropriate. I'd also ground my child from special activities for a week as part of the lesson. When we were that age, my parents would take TV away from a week, phone, etc. One of my co-workers read the message and said baseball/football would be taken away for a week teaching him a lesson about responsibility and letting his team down because of a "stupid" decision.

1 mom found this helpful

I am sorry that you are in disagreement. I think her should lose privileges for doing what he did. I do think that it is important that he knows it is not right. May be he can do some extra chores at home or at her house to earn the money like taking out the trash,putting dishes away in the dishwasher. May be he can clean the toilet or the bathtub. I would not go too extreme. I think after a few days of this he will get the picture.

I think that he needs to earn money to fix and he should be grounded/losing privileges until the money is paid off.

Hello M., a 6 year old knows when they are doing something right and wrong. He had to know that what he chose to do is not acceptable and why he did it was mean and outlandish.
I have 5 children and some were great examples of Curious George and did all kinds of things but they respected others peoples' property. I am not sure I would trust him to come back to my house again without constant supervision on the parents part. Becasue being told to say I 'm sorry is no tthe same as being sorry.
I really would make him work off the cost of repairs - even a 6yo can pull weeds and clean up bushes. Make him write a note to the family and accept responsibility for his actions and choices. Do not let him off the hook as he will learn that its ok and mom and dad will pay the price for me and when he is a teen you will have even more trouble. ( I have been a foster parent and seen this). If it takes months then so be it if it takes weeks then so be it. The punishment is all about taking responsibility so he learns a lesson and remembers it. I had a son once who like Tom Sawyer got all his friends to help him to repair and paint a fench which was part of his punishment for stealing from a store. He learned that it just wasn't worth it and didn't do it again. Good Luck

This is just my opinion.....
But I would make him work and do chores that aren't fun to earn the money for the paint and/or having the door repainted.
I would NOT have him participate in painting the door. Painting the door is what got him in trouble in the first place. His painting days should be over for quite some time.
The point you need to really get through to him is that you don't just find things at someone else's house and mess with them. That's not respectful.
You don't take it upon yourself to decide to paint, scratch, saw, poke holes or otherwise damage someone else's property or belongings. It's not respectful.

Make him work until he earns enough to pay for the paint, painter's tape, the rolls or brushes, paint tray, drop cloth, etc. Whatever is needed for the project. Show him the receipt for these things so that he understands what a few minutes of fun painting someone's house can cost. On top of that, if he were my kid, he'd be grounded for a week and no television or video games during that time. He'll be too busy working to pay off that bill.

I don't think that's too harsh. It could have been worse, luckily it wasn't, but hopefully this will help him to understand not to do something like that again.

Best wishes!

I would make him do enough chores to pay for the gallon of paint and then make him help with the painting. if he can't help, then he must just stand there and watch it being painted. He is not allowed to do anything else while the repair is being made so as to take up his time with the repair.

When my son tore the screen out of the new sunscreen sliding door (he had accidentially been shut outside, but cld've waited for me to see him), this is what my husband and he worked out. He paid us back with all the "fun money" he had saved up and needs to pay back about $10 more (total cost of the damage was determined to be $25. When he gets money, it is divided up 10% tithing, 20% each college & mission, and the remaining 50% is his 'fun' money. So $5 left on the debt, needs to earn $10 more.)

They worked out a chore list he could do to get paid & earn money. Wash car: $2, empty dishwasher, 5 cents each drawer tray, vacuum a room I think 50 cents, and so on. My son set the prices (1 cent!) and on some of them my husband raised them to 50 cents or whatever he felt more appropriate.

This happened a month or two ago, he turns 8 this coming month. So far he has done dismally at doing chores to get paid. I wonder if he figures he'll wait for his birthday money to pay back? (Grandma usually sends $5)

Your son is young but absolutely can & should learn the consequence, worked out lovingly so he learns that things/actions have a price and he needs to do something (chores) to pay off his debt that another (parents) paid on his behalf.