6 Year Old Terrible Moods and Anxiety

Have you tried bringing her to a pediatric neurologist? Our son had a lot of those issues (sensory disorder and behavior) and when we brough him to a pediatratic neurologist (in 1st grade) he was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder, due to his brain formation. The school really rallied around our child and we used a combination of cognitive behavior therapy, brain gym and social skills at home and at school. Anti-anxiety drugs were also suggested, but we never wanted to go down that route and we are so glad we didn't. He is now doing great at school and his behavior issues are almost non-existent. It takes time and patience, but so important at an early age.

I am reading the best book right now which I think would help you. It is called "Raising Your Spirited Child" by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka. The intro alone will make you feel better -- knowing you are not alone out there. I am only a little ways in, but I have talked to other parents of "spirited" children who all say it was the best book they ever read!

First you need to look at food allergies. This may be causing her mood and anxiety. Food such as chocolate,and caffine can cause this. Other foods are artificial coloring in cereals and chips. Soda is another food. I work with kids with these issues and stopping these foods has helped.

D.,
I would recommend more than just "counselors" - you will get a lot more information from a thorough neuro-psychological assessment. These are specially trained psychiatrists who diagnose learning and mood disorders. I'm not sure where you are located or what your insurance is, but Dr. Castro and his practice in Canton is great with younger children and these things. I think bipolar is the trendy diagnosis right now, and that some kids really have it and some don't, but this could be any number of things and you need some concrete strategies to work with.

I really don't have any advice but just wanted you to know that a friend of mine is going threw the same ting withher 9 year old. So bad she ahd to home school her 3/4 of this past year. She seems to have adjusted and is doing better today but it is so trying on her and her family.S he has three children. She did tell me just yesterday that another of her friends went threw the same ordeal with one of her girls (twins mind you). So you are not alone with tis. Good luck with this.
P.

You have a difficult situation. She may be too young to realize how fortunate she is. As she gets older, why not take her along to do volunteer work so she can realize how lucky she is. Maybe you can give her one on one time on the weekends and your husband can be with your 3 year old. Do you have someone to babysit your 3 year old while the 3 of you bond for a few hours, giving full attention to the 6 yr. old? It sounds like she is missing the attention since there is a younger, more needy member of the family. Do they play (well) together? What do you think is making her anxious? Your profession doesn't free up your weekends, as a realtor. That makes it difficult. Have a date night for you and hubby once a month or pamper each other after the girls are in bed. Good Luck.

Dear D.,

That sounds really hard and awful. I imagine your daughter's stress adds to your (and your husband's) stress and your stress adds to her stress, and your husband's stress adds to your stress, and on and on into a very stressful cycle! (Your younger daughter sounds like she's got some kind of advantage that keeps her from getting too caught in the cyclone, thank goodness.) So my advice is while you continue to try to figure out how to help your daughter, you also work very seriously on learning to take care of yourself and your own stress. To the extent you can reduce and manage your own stress, worry and frustration 1) you'll feel better, 2) your daughter will feel better because she won't be feeding off your stress, and 3) you'll be modeling for her how to deal with things with less upset.

I know it's far from a solution, but it probably couldn't hurt.

Good luck!

I think you may have found part of the reason in your 'a little about me' post. e.g. difficult marriage. Have the counselors she's seen been made aware of your marital difficulties and could that be one of if not the underlying issue?

D.:

Not sure how much I can offer, but I can tell you that I've been there. I have two boys, 7.5 and 3. The younger one is very laid back and easy going, the older one was my "challenge." It's not an easy battle and you are going to need your sanity!

You mention "counselors" have said diagnosis is difficult. Have you tried getting info from your pediatrician - maybe a psychologist, neuro-psychologist, occupational therapist evaluation?

My son was recently diagnosed with ADHD/ODD and it was not an easy pill to swallow - however, behavior-wise, things have gotten much better through lots of work. Just remember, that because your kids are different, you will have to develop a separate "book of tricks" for behavior for your older child if they don't work.

Best wishes!
C.
P.S. If you want to e-mail me off-list, send me a private message with your e-mail address and I'd be happy to "talk" more. :)

You just described my son who is also six and just finished kindergarten. He was dx'd last february with Disruptive Behavior Disorder-NOS with oppositional defiant and hyperactive impulsive features. Mouthful huh? He is so defiant and angry about everything. He is also very hyper and has a difficult time sitting school. He received special ed through the category of Other Health Impairment and I believe it did help him a lot in school. He does the same thing with presents, nothing is ever good enough for him. He also obsesses greatly over things - right now it's having a friend over but he will not or cannot help me get the house clean so that he can. You caught me in the middle of yet another battle with him. All I can suggest is continue to try to get help. Lots of structure, I know it's difficult, I am horrible at it. I have heard several people who have success with diet change. Cutting out dyes and artificial flavors, making sure they eat healthy. Supplements like vitamins and Omega-3's can help too. I am still struggling to find the balance myself. I am part of a yahoo online group called shadowsyndromekids. It really makes me realize I am not alone. Here is the link: http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/ShadowSyndromeKids/
Good luck and please feel free to email me personally if you would like. I also use instant messenger a lot and find it helps when I am able to jump on and talk things out with someone who may have similar issues. Good luck, D..

Have you considered keeping a food diary and a mood diary? It would be curious to see if there is any correspondence between certain dyes or preservatives and violent mood swings. Look for changes to occur 2-24 hours after consumption. Pay particular attention to red dye and msg (and all the other forms it shows up on labels).

It sounds to me like there are many issues compounding together here. She may be responding to strife in your marriage, but there also sounds like sibling jealousy too (and the perfect age difference for that too). I hope you find the right answers and the peace you're seeking!

Could your child, who is now old enough to know when things aren't right, be picking up on your "difficult marriage?" Try keeping the stress of your marriage away from her for a while (argue outside her range if you have to). I was a full time real estate agent for almost 20 years and I know what a toll the job takes on relationships. You can not do the job successfully part-time. That said..... work on your marriage. A happy marriage sends a clear and happy message to the kids. I hope I haven't said anything to offend you, but I've been there and this seems to me like the foundation of your problems. Take care and God bless.

This sounds so difficult for you D.... I completely disagree with Helen below and I think you did the right thing in trying out the K graduation. Why not!? We can't all just run and hide from life with things are a little "uncomfortable" or difficult. If your daughter stayed out of it, it would just teach her that just because she's a little stressed out, then she "can't" do something. Kudos to you for going through with it and teaching her that she CAN do it (no matter how tough!). She needs to keep her confidence up!

Now, about the other things you are dealing with... I agree with the other poster who suggested other evaluations. An Occupational Therapist can help you determine if there is truly a sensory processing disorder, and they can HELP you with great suggestions to help calm the body in situations where "life" may be more difficult (and to help you recognize what the triggers may be). You may be interested in reading a book called "The Out of Sync Child". I forget the author - but you could google it. A child neuropsychologist may also be able to help you with more "difficult to diagnose" disorders/conditions - although being that your child is only 6, they will probably hate to "diagnose" too soon. Many neuropsychs like to wait until a child is at least 7 before giving a diagnosis, but I DO think that it's beneficial, and I DO think that the specialist may see signs of things that a pediatrician or counselor cannot spot (or legally "diagnose") - and I think you'd benefit greatly by getting BOTH an OT and a child neuropsych eval. Sometimes waiting lists are long, so I wouldn't wait.

AND MAYBE, they'll all say that there is no diagnosis.... and that maybe the problem is as simple (don't take that lightly of course - nothing is SIMPLE about this!!) as some stress / anxiety caused by either the difficult marriage issues... or something else all together... jealousy of the sister, changes in life, whatever.... and maybe some relaxation techniques will help?? I'm not an expert, but I do work with lots of children with various disabilities and disorders (ADD, ODD, Nonverbal Learning Disabilities, Autism / PDD, etc.) so I see lots of different presentations of behavior to say the least!

That's my two cents. Hope it helps! I commend you for asking for help and I wish you the best of luck!

I would definitely put a call into her pediatrican, this behavior is normal but to an extent and it sounds as though it's more "bad" than "good" most of the time. The extrememe jealousy of her little sister is concerning as well. I think you and your husband should try to get down to the root of the problem. Also if you and your husband are having difficulties, maybe you both should get into some counseling as well so you are both presenting a united front and are on the same page as one another. Because we all know that our kids can sense and see tension between their parents and also if one gives in, she try to play that card forever and you don't want that...you both should definitely be together on how you will deal with her and her behaviors. As hard and time consuming as it may be, it should all be worth it in the long run and if it fails the first couple of times, keep trying. Try different counselors, see if her pedi can give you guys some referrals. Your life with your children should be wonderful, not miserable. All kids have "their days" like adults do, but this sounds more of an every day occurence and so much that you are shocked when she is well behaved. Also don't underestimate the power of manipulation with kids...she very well may know that she is behaving badly because it may be the attention she is craving so she'll get it anyway she can, whether it be negative or positive. Good luck, I hope things get better for you and your family. :)

it sounds like she has an anxiety disorde or bipolar disorder. I would seek out a child psychiatrist, they are better than counselors. Once he meets with her and figures out what she has he can recommend specific things for you to try. She should also be in weekly counseling that involves parents for a few sessions. this is not going to go away and this is not something that parenting can fix. Blaming her for ruining your lives is not going to help either. I'm sure that she senses she is being blamed for the problems in the family.

I saw that you live in manchester. Resources are limited in NH, but You can call manchester mental health or dartmouth hitchcock child psychiatry in lebanon for assistance. I might actually call both.

I am the mom of a 4 1/2 year old "willfull" child. I don't think I would have taken him to his kindergarten graduation if I knew he would have a meltdown (it's not like it's Harvard or anything...just kindergarten). If these events cause so much anxiety and stress for the child (and in turn for you), then maybe you should just sit them out and do something fun with the family instead. I know it's not easy...but it might just be the choices you need to make right now for the good of the family. Good luck!

H. Z (SAHM of 4 1/2, 3 1/2 and almost 1 year old boys)

I liked your comment about 2 daughters raised the same but being so different..this is how life is..no two are the same ;-) Have you tried changing her diet? as in no sugar or white flour? maybe she does not process these items well? I do not do this (well we use wheat bread) but maybe that would show a change in her (esp the sugar). Otherwise I would try and get he some regular counseling to help her sort thru her emotions..maybe also take some time for just you and her, quality one on one time a girls day out or a daddy and daughter day out so she gets the full attention to herself? I hope you find what works

P.

Hi D.- your daughter sounds a bit like mine, and our circumstances sound similar in that we also have another daughter who is very easy-going. In my situation, however, the two girls are twins! They just turned 9. I know it's so stressful and tough on you, never knowing what your daughter may do,or if she'll do "the right thing". My daughter has sensory issues (dysregulation, overload) and is often anxious/stressed. We have had her evaluated by a neuropsychologist, sees a counselor regularly, and has received OT services for sensory regulation and motor planning. She also has a lazy eye, which is nearly corrected. The two things that I think have been the most valuable for us have been realizing that the more stressed we get ( or me especially, since I'm the one who's with her the most), the more stressed she gets. If I can try to relax, and "let things be" about situations, it makes it a lot better. The more I push, or nag, or remind, the worse it gets. The second thing that has helped tremendously is her maturation, sorry to say. She has been able to better control herself, express herself the older she's gotten. It's also helped a lot to have had her in therapy, to help her learn to use her words, and find ways to relieve her stress. Also, she received OT services at OTA in Watertown for one summer. I learned a lot from them. It was very expensive, not covered by insurance, so we couldn't continue, but the techniques I learned, and she learned, to help her were very helpful. Now, I can anticipate how she'll react to the stimulation of a grocery store, and prepare her for it in advance, and have her do things that will help her, such as chew gum, push the shopping cart, get specific items off the shelf, etc.
Lastly, both my daughters go to a small private school, where her issues can be more easily addressed than at a large public school. The teachers and I work very closely together to help her help herself.
It's been very stressful on our family life, too. The counselor has helped us all work together to deal with issues that are problems for us. I hope this helps, and I hope you can get the help you need. Don't try to handle it alone, it's too big a problem. Be consistent, give her a structure/routine and lots of affirmations that you know how hard it is for her.
Best of luck.

I have two boys one 5 and one 11. The 11 yr old is wonderful, sweet kind and loved by all. The 5 year old is a sweetie too, but very very different temperment. He is emotional, ruse to his older brother, and rough. We have spoken to the ped and he says no issues just headstrong. I feel for you it sound like you have your hands full, Is your husband any help, if not he may be adding to the problem. I know is almost impossible but how about having her "earn" quality time with you or dad. Every time she follows the rules, or does something good she earns a point when she has X amount she earns a trip for ice cream a bike ride etc. This seems to work with my younger one. I would also have her re-evaluated if the dr says she has sensory issues. Good luck . Fell free to e mail if you need a ear .....